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**Valigarmander** · 12-22-2008, 12:51 AM

So, since I figured this forum needs some activity, I've got a new topic for everybody to enjoy. Every week, I'll be posting a top ten list relating to something Mario-themed. Check it out every week if you're bored and you need something to read, and comment if you feel like it or don't agree with something on a list. So, without further ado...

Week #1 (Week of 12-21-08)
Top Ten Worst Mario Games

#10: Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix (GCN)

First off on our list is Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix. DDR with a Mario theme? Sounds cool enough. But unfortunately the execution is very lacking. The game is terribly easy, the most difficult dances being as easy as standard-level songs in most other DDR games. Also, the number of Mario-themed songs are far too few, and most of the songs are merely mixes taken straight from the public domain. Rather than being a Mario-themed DDR, it seems more like a generic DDR with Mario slapped on.

#9: Mario Teaches Typing (PC)

Mario teaches typing? Good golly! The game consists of multiple typing exercises coupled with graphics of Mario running through generic levels, collecting coins, beating enemies and avoiding obstacles with each correct key. The game has limited play however and gets rather repetitive. Gimme Mario Teaches Typing 2 any day, with it's creepy floating Mario head voiced by Charles Martinet.

#8: Mario's Tennis (VB)

One of the few games for the doomed Virtual Boy, we have Mario's Tennis, the first game in the Mario Tennis series. The game, while being in less-than-stunning 3D, suffered from the symptoms all other Virtual Boy games did: the graphics were poor, and the color palette is limited to a single main color. The VB also commonly gave users migraines and even temporary blindness. So aside from being for a failure of a system, what's there to say about Mario's Tennis? It's just tennis, with a couple Mario characters. That's all.

#7: Mario's Picross (GB)

Mario's Picross is an old game for the Game Boy featuring nonogram puzzles. Don't know what a nonogram is? Think sudoku. Anywho, you spend the game filling in the squares to reveal a hidden picture. The game 193 different puzzles, but unfortunately is VERY BORING and sometimes AGGRAVATING to play. The game is repetitive, and the time feature gets to be very annoying. Also, the game, consisting of a bunch of little squares you have to pay careful attention to, is played on a tiny little screen so everything is all scrunched up. Buy a nonogram book, you'd have about as much fun.

#6: Mario's Game Gallery/Mario's FUNdamentals (PC)

Despite having the honor of being the first actual Mario game to feature the vocal talents of Charles Martinet, this game is still one of the worst in the series. Have you ever been walking through the supermarket and seen a CD rack with a $10 "game gallery" title? That's basically what this is, but with (once again) Mario slapped onto it. You get to play games like Go Fish, checkers, and backgammon, through graphics dated even in 1995. Why does Nintendo keep licensing these? Throwing Mario's name onto a random game does not a good purchase make.

#5: Mario's Time Machine (NES, SNES, PC)

Damn you, Mindscape. This game stars Mario, who has to travel back in time to stop Bowser, who's going through history stealing priceless artifacts. The game is a history learning game (oh my) that plays like an unholy cross between a classic Mario sidescroller and one of those old MS-DOS learning programs they installed in all the schools. Give me Oregon Trail over this, please. This game was more or less a "sequel" to Mario is Missing, which is just a little lower on the list.

#4: Mario's Early Years (SNES)

NINTENDO, STOP LICENSING LEARNING GAMES. This series consists of three titles: Fun with Letters, Fun with Numbers, and Preschool Fun. The games consist mostly of cute little minigames like organizing numbers of figuring out which barn animal goes "moo". Like I've said before, this is just another game with Mario slapped on for some reason. Come on, Nintendo.

#3: Mario is Missing (NES, SNES, PC)

I'm sure at least some of you have heard of this monstrosity. Now, think Mario's Time Machine. What could be funner to learn than history? Geography! In Mario is Missing, you travel around the famous cities of the world collecting fragments of famous landmarks and piecing them together. I think they had an episode of the Super Mario Bros. 3 cartoon like this, only that one was at least fun use of one's time.

#2: Mario Clash (VB)

Another classic Virtual Boy title which is bound to be even funner than Mario's Tennis, and by funner I mean not. The game is basically a reproduction of the original Mario Bros. arcade game, but with the headache-inducing graphics and pseudo-3D gameplay thrown in. The game, however cleverly designed it is, just isn't fun at all. To make it worse, they even put it on the VB. That's just formula for flop. Also, call me a nit-picker, but they make Mario run with A and jump with B? Come on.

And, finally...

#1: Hotel Mario (PC)

If you've heard of this game before, you must've figured it'd be low on the list. Well, it's my #1 and here's why: The game, created for the Philips Fantasy Factory (yes, that Philips Fantasy Factory, the same people who graced us with the Legend of Zelda CD-i games) plays sort of like Elevator Action, only watered down so furiously that it's just not fun anymore. In order to progress to the next level, you have to close all the doors in the stage (the reason for which is never explained) while avoiding enemies and collecting powerups. There are about ten levels in each hotel ending with a joke of a boss fight. The game also contains several atrocious animated cutscenes featuring the scratchy vocal talent of Mark Graue mixed in with terrible animation and even worse dialogue. In the end, Hotel Mario is just a sad, sad chapter in Mario's history, and just goes to show Mario games should always be published by Nintendo. So...

"YOU KNOW WHAT DEY SAY, CD-i IS A PIECE 'AH CRAP."

And that's all for this week. Keep an eye out for next week's top ten list.

12-22-2008, 12:51 AM	#1
Valigarmander The Bee's Knees Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: The land of rain and trees (Oregon) Gender: Posts: 29,750 Thanks: 1,648 Thanked 5,698 Times in 2,578 Posts Blog Entries: 20	Weekly Mario Top Ten Lists So, since I figured this forum needs some activity, I've got a new topic for everybody to enjoy. Every week, I'll be posting a top ten list relating to something Mario-themed. Check it out every week if you're bored and you need something to read, and comment if you feel like it or don't agree with something on a list. So, without further ado... Week #1 (Week of 12-21-08) Top Ten Worst Mario Games #10: Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix (GCN) First off on our list is Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix. DDR with a Mario theme? Sounds cool enough. But unfortunately the execution is very lacking. The game is terribly easy, the most difficult dances being as easy as standard-level songs in most other DDR games. Also, the number of Mario-themed songs are far too few, and most of the songs are merely mixes taken straight from the public domain. Rather than being a Mario-themed DDR, it seems more like a generic DDR with Mario slapped on. #9: Mario Teaches Typing (PC) Mario teaches typing? Good golly! The game consists of multiple typing exercises coupled with graphics of Mario running through generic levels, collecting coins, beating enemies and avoiding obstacles with each correct key. The game has limited play however and gets rather repetitive. Gimme Mario Teaches Typing 2 any day, with it's creepy floating Mario head voiced by Charles Martinet. #8: Mario's Tennis (VB) One of the few games for the doomed Virtual Boy, we have Mario's Tennis, the first game in the Mario Tennis series. The game, while being in less-than-stunning 3D, suffered from the symptoms all other Virtual Boy games did: the graphics were poor, and the color palette is limited to a single main color. The VB also commonly gave users migraines and even temporary blindness. So aside from being for a failure of a system, what's there to say about Mario's Tennis? It's just tennis, with a couple Mario characters. That's all. #7: Mario's Picross (GB) Mario's Picross is an old game for the Game Boy featuring nonogram puzzles. Don't know what a nonogram is? Think sudoku. Anywho, you spend the game filling in the squares to reveal a hidden picture. The game 193 different puzzles, but unfortunately is VERY BORING and sometimes AGGRAVATING to play. The game is repetitive, and the time feature gets to be very annoying. Also, the game, consisting of a bunch of little squares you have to pay careful attention to, is played on a tiny little screen so everything is all scrunched up. Buy a nonogram book, you'd have about as much fun. #6: Mario's Game Gallery/Mario's FUNdamentals (PC) Despite having the honor of being the first actual Mario game to feature the vocal talents of Charles Martinet, this game is still one of the worst in the series. Have you ever been walking through the supermarket and seen a CD rack with a $10 "game gallery" title? That's basically what this is, but with (once again) Mario slapped onto it. You get to play games like Go Fish, checkers, and backgammon, through graphics dated even in 1995. Why does Nintendo keep licensing these? Throwing Mario's name onto a random game does not a good purchase make. #5: Mario's Time Machine (NES, SNES, PC) Damn you, Mindscape. This game stars Mario, who has to travel back in time to stop Bowser, who's going through history stealing priceless artifacts. The game is a history learning game (oh my) that plays like an unholy cross between a classic Mario sidescroller and one of those old MS-DOS learning programs they installed in all the schools. Give me Oregon Trail over this, please. This game was more or less a "sequel" to Mario is Missing, which is just a little lower on the list. #4: Mario's Early Years (SNES) NINTENDO, STOP LICENSING LEARNING GAMES. This series consists of three titles: Fun with Letters, Fun with Numbers, and Preschool Fun. The games consist mostly of cute little minigames like organizing numbers of figuring out which barn animal goes "moo". Like I've said before, this is just another game with Mario slapped on for some reason. Come on, Nintendo. #3: Mario is Missing (NES, SNES, PC) I'm sure at least some of you have heard of this monstrosity. Now, think Mario's Time Machine. What could be funner to learn than history? Geography! In Mario is Missing, you travel around the famous cities of the world collecting fragments of famous landmarks and piecing them together. I think they had an episode of the Super Mario Bros. 3 cartoon like this, only that one was at least fun use of one's time. #2: Mario Clash (VB) Another classic Virtual Boy title which is bound to be even funner than Mario's Tennis, and by funner I mean not. The game is basically a reproduction of the original Mario Bros. arcade game, but with the headache-inducing graphics and pseudo-3D gameplay thrown in. The game, however cleverly designed it is, just isn't fun at all. To make it worse, they even put it on the VB. That's just formula for flop. Also, call me a nit-picker, but they make Mario run with A and jump with B? Come on. And, finally... #1: Hotel Mario (PC) If you've heard of this game before, you must've figured it'd be low on the list. Well, it's my #1 and here's why: The game, created for the Philips Fantasy Factory (yes, that Philips Fantasy Factory, the same people who graced us with the Legend of Zelda CD-i games) plays sort of like Elevator Action, only watered down so furiously that it's just not fun anymore. In order to progress to the next level, you have to close all the doors in the stage (the reason for which is never explained) while avoiding enemies and collecting powerups. There are about ten levels in each hotel ending with a joke of a boss fight. The game also contains several atrocious animated cutscenes featuring the scratchy vocal talent of Mark Graue mixed in with terrible animation and even worse dialogue. In the end, Hotel Mario is just a sad, sad chapter in Mario's history, and just goes to show Mario games should always be published by Nintendo. So... "YOU KNOW WHAT DEY SAY, CD-i IS A PIECE 'AH CRAP." And that's all for this week. Keep an eye out for next week's top ten list.