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DELICIOUS POISON · 05-23-2006, 10:23 AM

Some of it's a little stretched, looks like you're missing a word here and there. And I'm not 100% on this one, but using 'electronic' like that just feels improper. I think I've only ever seen it as an adjective, not the singular form of electronics. Heh, and there are most definitely Fangirls, as well. In the first line of the second part, should be "they're", as well, not the posessive "their". I'm not going to pick apart the rest, all the same.

I can see what you were going for, and it wasn't that bad of an outcome. Try again if you want to get it right, and don't do anything with your words that feels at all shaky. A valiant effort

05-23-2006, 10:23 AM	#2
DELICIOUS POISON Retro Nintendo Supermod Art & Literature Mod Metroid Mod Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: I rub my tilde all over your asterisk Gender: Posts: 17,031 Thanks: 585 Thanked 1,841 Times in 902 Posts Points: 705.57 Bank: 5,372,520.80 Total Points: 5,373,226.37 Donate	Some of it's a little stretched, looks like you're missing a word here and there. And I'm not 100% on this one, but using 'electronic' like that just feels improper. I think I've only ever seen it as an adjective, not the singular form of electronics. Heh, and there are most definitely Fangirls, as well. In the first line of the second part, should be "they're", as well, not the posessive "their". I'm not going to pick apart the rest, all the same. I can see what you were going for, and it wasn't that bad of an outcome. Try again if you want to get it right, and don't do anything with your words that feels at all shaky. A valiant effort Last edited by GRENTLEMEN; 05-23-2006 at 10:29 AM.