[The Joker]

Sex

One time, Chuck Norris ate an entire birthday cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity 3 seconds before his father.
Chuck Norris was born in the log cabin he built himself.
Others claim that Chuck Norris was concieved in the log cabin he built himself.
Chuck Norris is hung like a baby- 7 lbs. 5 oz.
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women than most men.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by pointing at her and saying "Booyah".
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with. That afternoon.
Chuck Norris is the reason that the Mona Lisa smiles.
Chuck Norris' sperm cells do not swim. They fly.
Chuck Norris doesn't teabag, he potato sacks.
Prostitution is legal in Chuck Norris's bedroom, but nobody ever charges.
Chuck Norris has never lost his virginity. Chuck Norris never loses.
Someone once bet Chuck Norris that he couldn't eat a dozen 72-oz steaks in under an hour. He did it in 57 minutes. He spent the first 45 minutes he was having sex with the waitress.
Each of Chuck Norris' sperms has a tiny black belt.
Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.
Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
When Chuck Norris drops the soap in the prison shower, someone else picks it up for him. He favours Camomile, I'm told.
Chuck Norris eats his children, if they survive they will grow up mighty.
Chuck Norris is circumcised because the skin was needed for a skin graft onto 1000 other penises. There is still 94.5% of the foreskin in cold storage under Texas.
I'm pregnant with Chuck Norris' child. This wouldn't be remarkable but I'm a man.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. Now they are just called The Islands.



Nature

The rising of the tide is in direct correlation with Chuck Norris's heartbeat... so is your Mom's menstrual cycle.
Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.
Not a huge lover of nature, Chuck Norris once killed a cloud (which was shaped like a bunny).
Diamond was believed to be the hardest object on earth, until Chuck Norris had his first erection.
Instead of being born normally, Chuck roundhouse kicked his way out of his mothers womb and bit through the umbilical chord with his teeth.
The first thing Neil Armstrong saw on the moon was a rock, in which was etched, "Chuck Norris was here."
Sharks don't live in the ocean because they have gills. Sharks live in the ocean because Chuck Norris doesn't.
Chuck Norris's fingernails clip themselves, then they help him clip his toenails.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a herd of horses. Their descendents are known today as giraffes.
Who are Chuck Norris' parents? Might, Justice, and Cunning; yes, all three.
Chuck Norris once gave a mammogram to Mother Nature. She loved it too, the dirty cow.
When the Sun burns out Chuck Norris will be the alternative method of energy.
Why is the sky blue? Chuck Norris.
Even that bloke who dug Lake Geneva was impressed when Chuck Norris killed the (now) Dead Sea.
Lemmings jump off of cliffs out of fear of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is invisible to the naked eye but leaks infrared radiation from the border of his event horizon. Chuck Norris decides, however, that he is visible anyway.
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around, rest assured that Chuck Norris heard it... because he caused it to fall.

Education

Chuck Norris graduated from the University of Pennsylvania's School of Badassedness. The school was later demolished because it would be impossible to produce a greater student - apart from the statue of him outside, which was impossible to scratch.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris invented spoons because knives were too easy to kill with.
If you were to put Chuck Norris on every answer on the SAT, you would get a 26000 score.
Chuck Norris holds a degree in thermonuclear physics, and can create fusion in the gas tank of his SUV.
Children light ants on fire for fun. Chuck Norris lights children on fire for fun. Using ants.
Chuck Norris never learns. He already knows.
The number pi used to be 4. But Chuck doesn't like the number 4 so he roundhouse kicked it into a fraction. That is why Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi

Bible

When God said "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said "Say please..."
On the seventh day God Rested. Chuck Norris took over.
On the eigth day, God said "Let there never be Chuck Norris." Later on the eighth day God was admitted to hospital.
Chuck Norris parted the Red Sea and let Moses take the credit. What a guy.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man who gave baby Jesus the gift of the beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the Bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse related injuries.
Chuck Norris was the first human being God created, but when God told Chuck Norris not to eat of the tree, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him, pulled up the whole tree, and left the Garden. God planted a new tree, and created Adam.
Chuck Norris has the only known photographs of a naked Eve. And they're signed.
Chuck Norris is not the second coming of Jesus. Jesus was the first coming of Chuck Norris.
For Chuck Norris, there is always room at the inn.
December 25 is not Jesus's birthday. It's the day Chuck Norris sent him a birthday card and Jesus was too scared to correct him.
When Jesus died on the cross, he didn't go to hell for three days. He went to Chuck Norris for 1 day and spent the other two convalescing.
Jesus walks on water. Chuck Norris walks on Jesus.
Jesus wears a wrist band that says WWCND (what would Chuck Norris do?)
God said to Chuck Norris, "Thou shalt lead thy people to the promised land." But Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked God in the face and did what HE wanted to.
Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.
The Gospel According to Chuck Norris was left out because God would have lost all his power. However now God is not alive and Chuck Norris is.
Chuck norris isn't a gift from God, God is a gift from Chuck Norris.
When Isaac asked for a son, Chuck Norris said that he would have a son. Isaac's wife, Rebeccah, gave birth to a bearded baby. Isaac pawned off the baby and asked God intsead.

Law

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming that "Law & Order" are the copyrighted names of his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris can fight City Hall.
It is illegal to conceal Chuck Norris in 47 states and the District of Columbia. (Texas is not one of those states.)
Chuck Norris expected the Spanish Inquisition, which lead to their eventual defeat.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed.
Hiroshima was never hit by a bomb. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
Chuck Norris does not use American dollars. He has his own currency, the Roundhouse Kick (RK). It only comes in one denomination, and no one asks for change.
Chuck Norris can jaywalk and there's not a I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.ing thing you can do about it.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris will mess with Texas if he damn well pleases.
Osama Bin Laden isn't hiding from the U.S army. He's hiding from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris made the Panama canal in a single roundhouse kick.
Instead of sending money to the IRS, Chuck Norris just sends them a photo of himself, crouched like a tiger and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never paid taxes, ever.
Chuck Norris sank Atlantis.
Big Brother isn't watching you, Chuck Norris is.
Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and the State. Chuck Norris eliminated them.
The one time Bush claimed Iraq has weapons of mass destruction was when Chuck Norris was flying over Iraq on his way to Hong Kong.
In Rome, Romans do as Chuck Norris does.
When Chuck Norris was born, all progress made toward world peace in the preceding fifty years was erased.
Chuck Norris has no seat at the United Nations. He prefers to stand.
There are no Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Medicine

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 seconds.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth; he simply pours Listerine into his vodka twice a day.
Chuck Norris's sweat is powerful enough to burn holes through solid steel, but luckily his skin is too hard for him to perspire.
Chuck Norris once gave his cell phone a brain tumor.
Phobias are afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet (110V, making him safe for use on site).
Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris does.
Chuck Norris has his own brand of sleeping pills. The only ingredients are his fists and your face.
When Chuck Norris went to donate blood, he declined a syringe and instead asked for a bucket and a handgun
Chuck Norris' hair stops growing at Chuck's word.
Chuck Norris can split a razor blade down the center, with his thumb.
Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris invented heart disease because he wanted to spend more time sleeping with women.
Being near Chuck Norris for extended periods of time has been clinically proven to cause cancer.
When people are constipated, doctors send them to see Chuck Norris - he literally scares the I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF. out of them
Chuck Norris will perform brain surgery on you, before you even know you need it.
Chucknoriphobia: The fear of getting kicked in the face by Chuck Norris. All human's have Chucknoriphobia. There is no cure. And it's always lethal.
Chuck Norris is never ill (but he is sick).
If you wake up in the morning it's because Chuck Norris spared you.