[CaptHayfever]

I can post this here, right?

English class. We all hate it, except when we love it. And when do we love it most? When we write something really good. I would now like to post some of my really good writings. But only one at a time, cause who wants to sort through 5 essays or more in one post?

Assignment: Write your own "Modest Proposal".
So here's my 'humble proposition', if you will...

"Let's Get Started On Doing This Awesome Thing I Suggested"

What is the matter with today’s youth? They seem to have forgotten the most crucial of the Lord’s Ten Commandments: Honor thy father and thy mother; which, of course, applies to all authority figures.

It truly is a sad sight to see, the children of today rampaging about the world recklessly, blasting the rap music out of their “boom boxes”, dressing to kill—sometimes literally, playing the evil video games, watching the sex-fest movies, and worst of all, acting defiantly towards parents, teachers, and others to whom they should show reverence. And every one of those minors is the same. I am certain that all responsible adults are in agreement that something must be done to end this horrendous conduct. But how are we to combat such impudence? Verbal reprimands and privilege suspensions clearly are not having the desired effect.

It is with that goal and experience in mind that I make this humble proposition: that every adult (to be defined as a human of eighteen years or more) shall carry a handgun and shall be permitted to fire it upon children who demonstrate noncompliance with the adult’s authority.

Now, I realize the obvious danger of such a system, which is why a certain code of conduct must be enacted to govern the use of punitive firearms. The first restriction states that a child must reach the age of three before he or she can be shot. After all, the child must have a chance to learn right and wrong before being punished for wrongdoing. Also, certain authority figures may only use their guns on certain occasions. Parents may only shoot their own children or those who are guests in their house; teachers may only shoot their own students (if they have already learned the class rules); businessmen may only shoot their own underage employees, et cetera; however, police officers may fire upon any guilty child within their designated patrol areas. The final major restriction states that a child may not be killed on his or her first offense. The first bullet must be a non-fatal wound. After that, the decision whether to kill or to wound belongs to the parent or lawman. (As an addendum to this restriction, only parents and policemen are permitted to fatally wound a child.)

If all of these conditions are met, then gunshot punishments may be issued for any violation of adult authority whatsoever. If one’s daughter insists on wearing a midriff shirt after being told to change it, then surely a bullet wound in her gut will encourage her to cover up properly. If a student attempts to walk out of a class punishment early, claiming that he did nothing wrong, then a leg shot is all it takes to keep him where he belongs. If a rebellious teen shouts at a passing police car, the city will gladly pay for the youth’s funeral; such is the price of civilized society. Certainly this method is more humane than locking children in torturous prisons with other juvenile delinquents.

Contrary to what some nay-sayers of my plan may argue, this is all perfectly reasonable. After all, we are adults, and they are children. We are right, and if they disagree, they are wrong, regardless of evidence, reason, or consistency. Logic is for the insolent, as we learned in our childhoods back in the days when we young people actually respected our elders. Every member of the current youth generation deserves this treatment, since they are all equally impudent towards us, their superiors. And if any alleged “exceptions” to this generalization appear, they can be eliminated quickly and quietly in a secluded location with a silenced pistol. Of course, in order to save both money for bullets and heartbreak for parents, efforts may be made to decrease those songs, movies, television shows, and video games that influence our youth to practice insubordination.

So far, I have seen no serious disadvantage in this plan, as not only will it strengthen the moral fiber of the global community, but it will also help relieve the worldwide problem of overpopulation. And unless one has somehow constructed a stronger plan to amend to the problem I hope to fix, I expect no one to complain to me about such silly concepts as parental responsibility, logical compromise, educational accountability, punitive discretion, natural progression and growth, free speech, or individual maturity. Once the current crisis is alleviated, only then may we turn our thoughts to those trivial matters. Until that time, those of us who have reached the legal voting age should keep our handguns ready for the next whipper-snapper who dares defy us. My only regret is that my own behavioral patterns could not have benefited from this scheme, as I reached the age of eighteen over two months ago.
_________________________________________________
And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

[ February 25, 2004, 12:34 AM: Message edited by: CaptHayfever ]