Okay, here goes.
The intro leads into the story nicely - good detail on the scenery that relates to the story, making it able to be viewed by people other than the writer.
The structure is fine, but watch your commas. I noticed quite a few instances where you used them when you didn't have to. Hey, even I make mistakes sometimes, so no big deal. Just a reminder.
Nice explanation about how each situation had to work the way they did. When I looked at other things, there were too many instances where I thought "Wait, why not just ______?" At least you're not letting that happen. The thing unfolds at a decent pace - not too brief and not too overdetailed.
The second part doesn't really have any flaws to it. I'd say you might have the quality I do. Although I see you went comma-happy again. Heh. The scene, the way it flowed... exactly on par. The one big problem that almost all fanfiction writers encounter (me included) is describing certain characters. Devoting one or two whole paragraphs to them usually works pretty well. And the dialouge helps to create their personality, which is okay the way you did it. Not the greatest, but still alright.
Not much to say on the third part that I haven't already covered, as it seems like a part that connects to the next part, whatever it may be.
Origin of Entria