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Originally posted by Do me a favor and kill yourself:
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Geez, this thing really improved as the chapters went on. The beginning felt really iffy (I think you realized that), but chapters 3 and especially 4 really stood out. The situations pieced together nicely, and you thought ahead of what would happen and how things would occur. Nice going there. Most questions I had in the middle of the story got answered effectively, except the parts you still wish to consider secret.
Grammatically, you make less mistakes than most people's work I've seen, but still, review your paragraphs after you write them. Sometimes I go back and edit my post just to correct some accidental capitalization, punctuation, or spelling errors of mine. It doesn't take that long.
I notice what I assume is an original character. Make sure to completely define them in terms of looks, personalities, and motives. You don't have to do that with non-original characters because most people already know enough stuff about them.
Overall, you're definitely on the right track. Keep that up.
Origin of Entria