Ways Life Would Be Different If It Were An Anime

[MasaFACE]

If you have emo-traits, ALL the girls go after you.

[Cold Fire the Ranger]

2 words: Spiky hair!

[MasaFACE]

^ Not in all cases.

[t3hDarkness]

41. God, I would be so smexy.

[Antisocial]

The art of lip-reading would be rendered impossible.

[Kil'jaeden]

Everyone has long hair or spikey hair, and of all colors possible.

[Lord Kenny]

Our power levels will be over 9000.

[Cold Fire the Ranger]

Flashbacks and speeches take too long, which takes the adrenaline out of the bloody (if shown) yet totally cool fight.

[Sim Kid]

46. The Naruto observation:

You can walk with your eyes closed, even see people and carry on a conversation with them.

[Sarai and Samiel]

THE RULES OF LIVING ANIME THUS FAR, COMPILED:

1: People will sweat copiously.
1a: This is especially true of people under stress, or who are normally emotional.

2: People will be poorly animated.

3: Nearly all women's breasts will be 25% larger
3a: Those unfortunate women who do not fall in this category will either have no breasts at all, be over 60, or be so rotund and ugly that it is difficult to discern their sex without a strip-search.

4: You will own and use on a daily basis 4 or more times as many guns as you do now.
4a: You can still get your ass kicked by one guy with a shinai.
4b: The ammunition will never accidentally explode.

5: Every time you move quickly, you will generate speed lines
5a: These lines will appear more numerous and thick to those you are moving towards or away from.

6: Your eyes will collectively occupy half of your skull.
6a: Contact lenses will be immense.
6b: Inversely, glasses will be smaller than they are now, unless you are a nerd, geek, or other recluse. In which case they will be huge and thicker than safety glass, and probably appear to have spirals on their faces.

7: All adults will be playing children's card games.
7a: In the event that an adult is not playing a children's card game, they will have been involved in its creation or rules.
7b: Having created said game or its rules does not, apparently, involve any competence at all with said rules.
7c: In the event that adults are not involved with a children's card game, 'virtual reality roleplaying game', 'cuddly monster cockfighting game', 'virtual reality cockfighting game', and 'computer reality cuddly monster virtual reality cockfighting game and world' are all acceptable substitutes for 'card games'.

8: You will make a lengthy speech whenever you fight.
8a: People will actually listen to your entire speech.
8a-I: Exception- if it is comical to interrupt you, you will instead never finish your speech, no matter how short it is.
8b: Nothing will happen during the duration of a speech. Not even breathing.

9: Weapons will be inordinately large and impossible to wield.
9a: You will be able to wield them anyways, and so will everyone else.
9b: Said weapons will be effective in proportion to their size.

10: Violent explosions will solve everything.
10a: Anything can explode in a riotous gout of smoke and flame. Even plain dirt.
10b: Explosions from explosive devices are smaller and less damaging than esoterically-derived explosions.

11: Each guy will hang around at least five or six girls.
11a: Each of said girls will exhibit a distinct and extreme personality attribute (or combination of such).
11a-I: These physical or emotional attributes will mark said personality attributes: Shy, quiet, tall, long (3'+) hair, blonde (Yankee), spooky magical powers (frequently accompanied by purple or pink eyes), appears to hate said guy but actually loves him, loves said guy for no discernible reason, tomboy/athletic, old childhood friend, rules-fanatic class representative, rich, naive, appears to be significantly younger than actual age, possesses a Kansai or Southern US accent (dependent on personal dub status), spectacle-clad, excessively large breasts, animal ears (potentially accompanied by tails and, on rare occasion, hands and feet), gynoid/robot/cyborg.

12: Tweenagers (10-13) can run around carrying dangerous weapons.
12a: Said tweenagers are capable of beating the ever-loving crap out of well equipped and highly experienced twenty year old lifelong assassins and mercenaries.

13: Miniskirts will comprise roughly 1/3 of all female lower outer garments.
13a: 90% of female business suits will have miniskirts.
13b: Any woman wearing one of the remaining 10% of female business suits is either a lesbian, a hermaphrodite, or The Villain.

14: Even complete nerds are capable of unwittingly attracting the attention of a harem of the more beautiful girls in the vicinity.
14a: Any male not attracting such a harem will either be the perverted and loudly lewd friend of such a male, a rival of such a male, a creepy guy obsessed with a member of such a harem, or an unimportant background character without even a name.

15: Determination will win the day.
15a: Idiocy and incompetence shall not affect this capability.

16: Any tone, pattern, shade, or color of hair is possible.
16a: The farther away you are from, the more outlandish your hair color will be. In fact, if you are from offplanet, you may well have hair of multiple outlandish colors- naturally. Or if you are from a suitably obscure foreign part of Earth.

17: The Laws of Anime Fights are in effect.
17a: The Dragon Ball Z law- Whenever you make an attack beyond standard fistfighting you must yell the name of the attack as loudly as you are capable.
17b: The Kaiba Law- If people are playing some form of formalized, ritualized game, or the rules of combat or interaction are actually delineated, the villains and the heroes may be able on an individual-by-individual basis to ignore the rules whenever they feel like, due to their money, family, power, green hair, or some other attribute.
17c: The Naruto Law- Evil ninjas wear black and are capable of hiding inconspicuously with dark places, and may well attack from said places. Good ninjas wear brightly colored clothing or have hair of a bright shade and will only attack on provocation.
17d: The Shikamaru Law- Using the exact same trick in different or creative ways can win you every fight.
17e: The Episode-Stretching Law- All fighting comes to a halt whenever a flashback or speech commences, and does not resume until said flashback or speech has concluded completely.
17f: The Dick Tracy Law- You can tell villains are genuinely evil if they have some form of hideous deformity, especially about the head and face.
17g: The Sesshomaru Law- On the off-chance there is a truly evil villain who is not subject to rule 17f, they will be bishounen and have large numbers of exceedingly devoted (and judgementally impaired) fangirls. Probably fanboys too.
17h: The Tea Gardner Law- It is possible to recall in the course of having a flashback events that you missed due to unconsciousness or lack of proximity.
17i: The Zabuza Law- If you one-up your enemy or your enemy one-ups you, then the upper must explain why so that the uppee will learn to expect whatever just upped. If the uppee manages to surpass said uppage, they must explain how they did so so that the upper will learn how to make their uppage less uppable.
17j: The Attack Name Law- Any special attacks will have distinct names and/or titles, so that any fanfiction writers will be able to refer to them without repeated descriptions (or more frequently without any explanation at all of what is going on).
17k: The Law of Clothing: The area of pants, panties, or skirt around the hips is borderline-indestructible. Shirts and other outer tops are susceptible to anything above a light breeze.
17k-I: Women's upper clothing, specifically brassieres, bust support, or the outer clothing in the event of lack of underwear, will always survive just barely enough to obscure nipples, unless there is a particular reason to reveal said features.
17k-II: Men's slacks, pants, jeans, and footwear are also borderline-indestructible, excepting the wearer of them bursts them through addition of muscle mass.
17k-III: If the man in question is a bishonen, all clothing is highly destructible regardless of the other parts of Rule 17k.
17k-IV: Women's hair decorations (bows, scrunchees, pins, etc.) are indestructible and irremovable unless specifically targetted with an attack, and even then they're ludicrously difficult to remove or destroy.
17k-V: These rules hold for all clothing, regardless of material and integral armor paneling.
17l: The Hiei's Dark-Dragon-Whatever Law- Shadow flames or auras will invariably be purple and black in mixture.
17m: The Naraku Law- 90% of combats with primary antagonists are just to build tension and irritate protagonists, so 90% of the time, all antagonists will escape at the last possible instant, so as to extend conflict (potentially indefinitely).
17m-I: If the villain's sidekick or number one henchman has an important plot role in the future, they will escape at the last possible instant 100% of the time, even if the main villain (who is vastly more competent/powerful) is unable to.
17n: The Digidestined Law- There will be at least one set of 'filler' persons who may or may not be important to the story via some relationship to the central protagonist or antagonist. During fights, these people will lurk about the edges of the fights in spite of the danger, in order to commentate. Occasionally, they will be able to provide explanations about fighting styles or remarkable attacks that the fighters will be able to overhear, but any other groups mandated by this law will not, nor will any other allies on either side of the conflict.
17n-I: The Kuwabara Exception- Secondary characters with powers and/or capabilities of their own will sometimes also fill this role, and occasionally fight, but they will never get involved in an important fight, regardless of their capability of influencing the outcome were they to just get off their goddamn asses and do something.
17n-II: The Kamiya Kaoru Law- Characters capable of filling Law 17n-I will occasionally be there solely due to being the love interest of a protagonist or antagonist. If they are, it will be obvious.
17o: Anything can be used as a weapon.
17p: Anything can be used as a weapon.
17q: We mean it. Anything.
17r: Yes, anything.
17s: That too.
17t: You know how we said 'anything'? Yeah. ABSOLUTELY anything.

18: No matter how badly you've been injured, you will never ever need medical attention.
18a: Exception- you will need medical attention if it will cause a major protagonist or antagonist concern, or if it will make things take longer to happen, regardless of your ability to survive injury in other instances.

19: The average human or alien body contains 20 gallons minimum of blood.
19a: You will be able to survive the loss of 90% of this blood in a recoverable state.

20: The voices will be funny.
20a: One out of ten women will sound like a chipmunk on helium.
20b: Seventy percent of less-remarkable men will sound like text-to-speech programs.
20c: The voices of children under 13, and teenagers under 17 when it can cause amusing misunderstandings, will have no clues to their tone as regards the sex of the speaker (though they may allude to their preferred partner sex).

21: The Rule of Time Management: If you can muster any organizational skills at all, you will be able to balance school, juku, a part time job, and demon hunting, and only suffer occasional lateness from oversleeping your 3-hour nap slot each day.

22: If you are in danger of defeat and your battle is of any significance, you will unlock some hidden power or other and win.
22a: This power is separate from that of determination.
22b: 50% of people possessing such a power will be unable to make it function except in such times of near-loss or when a misfire would be humorous.
22c: The other 50% of these people are partially or entirely nonhuman.

23: If you have a group of friends, there is a mascot. It will be either a highly cuddly but potentially lethal animal, a highly cuddly and comic-reliefy animal, or a particularly effeminate member of the team with a crush on your usual activity leader (actual sex of said team member irrelevant).

24: You are capable of generating single drops of sweat up to half the volume of your own head from your scalp.

[Sarai and Samiel]

25: Toukyou is going to be destroyed every other day.
25a: If there is a holiday, Toukyou will be destroyed that day as well, typically in some demonic ritual, regardless of the aforementioned schedule and without interrupting it.
25b: If such a holiday falls on a day when Toukyou would otherwise be destroyed, it will first be destroyed, then an alternate-reality Toukyou overlaid upon it- and then that will be destroyed.
25c: Once a year, Toukyou will be destroyed, overlaid with an alternate reality Toukyou, that will be destroyed, a city from the future or past will replace it, and then that will be destroyed. By Gojira. This will always be on a holiday when a large number of foreign emmisaries are in the city itself.

26: Rebuilding Toukyou results in an altogether different city named 'Neotoukyou', or 'Toukyou(insert English number here)'.
26a: Said city will always immediately fall into peril and come under threat of destruction.
26b: In spite of this, only Japan (or someone or something in Japan) can save the earth from whatever has destroyed Toukyou or is going to destroy its replacement.
26b-I: Alternately, only a displaced Japanese citizen or Japanese-descended foreigner can do so.

27:'Desu' is a full stop desu

28: The less a woman is wearing, the more powerful she is.

29: The more (or more incredible) hair a man has, the more powerful he is.

30: If you have a sword, there are swords capable of transformation, and your sword cannot transform more than once, you are of secondary relevance.
30a: If you are of secondary import per rule 30, expect to be horribly injured or killed as soon as you become involved in anything major.

31: On the off chance you have no name and no relevance, you will probably die either before or in the course of the major conflict.
31a: Do not worry about this- you will be returned to life at the end of said conflict, likely via some wish mechanism (see also deus ex machina).

32: All females and certain males have access to the phenomenon known variably as 'Hammerspace' and 'Stuffspace'.
32a: No matter the conditions, a woman can produce at will objects from said phenomenon for the purpose of striking someone engaged in perversion or suspected of being engaged in perversion about the cranium.
32b: Said objects will vanish effortlessly back to said phenomenon as soon as they have been so implemented, regardless of space available, usefulness, or proximity to anything at all.

33: If you are American, you will be brash, loudmouthed and completely ignorant of the concepts of 'personal space' and 'molestation'.
33a: 89% of Americans are blond or blonde, regardless of other genaeology.
33b: 99% of Americans who have not previously been to Japan possess and keep on their person at least one working handgun, and likely a rifle as well, all weapons loaded at all times.
33c: If you are American and female, you will greet women you do not know by sneaking up behind them and fondling their breasts. This has no bearing on your personal sexual orientation.

34: If you are a major character of no remarkable lineage, the truth is that your father was some powerful king, demon, or warrior of ancient times whose power has been passed on to you.
34a: You will not be able to access this power until some point after the first time it would be really important to use it.

35: It will be easy to tell if you are important- if you are not important, your appearance will be wholly unremarkable and nobody will be able to recall it.

36: Even a small boy can operate a giant robot.
36a: Piloting a giant robot with perfect effectiveness requires less than two minutes of practice. Frequently, it requires none at all.
36b: Everyone who can pilot a giant robot loves to. In the off chance that this is not true of a particular person, that person and everyone around them is going to die in a very unpleasant manner within the year.

37:Everyone will know about your past, except for you.
37a: Alternately, nobody will know about your past, except for you (and maybe one or two lifelong friends who may or may not believe you).

38: If you dress or style yourself in the Emo fashion, the girls will find you irresistable.
38a: This does not apply in reverse for women. In fact, if you are an Emo woman or girl, everyone will find you irrationally creepy and stay away from you, even when you aren't dressing or acting like it. If they do not stay clear, they will try to hurt you.

39: Lip-reading is not possible.
39a: Posture-reading, on the other hand, is easier than reading text.

40: Hair is immune to gravity. You can style your hair however you want and it will not lose that style until you undo it, even if it is in clear defiance of laws of physics (including those of leverage).

41: Flashbacks and speeches occupy large portions of any combat, thereby removing all adrenaline despite the coolness of the combat (and blood, if there are no small children from the United States nearby).

42: If you squint, it will look like your eyes are totally closed.
42a: The Xelloss Corrollary- This will allow you to hide anything about your eyes while still seeing.
42b: You can also see perfectly while doing this, thus allowing you to walk about, see people, and carry on conversations while seemingly unable to notice obstacles or the locations of silent people.

43: Toast has the greatest structural integrity of all substances. No matter what happens while you are clutching it in your teeth and running late, it will never be severed, will never lose its pat of butter, and will remain intact after dropped, even from a forty-foot flying leap into an incinerator.
43a: Toast is not, however, immune to potential comical or romantic situations that require its destruction.

44: If there is a giant monster battle, Gojira will win. Even if he dies in the process.
44a: If Gojira is not involved in the battle, some substitute equivalent will win.
44b: Even if a Gojira-equivalent wins the battle, the one who really wins it is Gojira.
44c: If no Gojira or Gojira-equivalent is involved in the kaiju battle, it will be the giant teenage girl or woman who wins, usually while displaying her body fetchingly in the process of destroying large areas of downtown.

45: Magical incantations are optional and have no actual bearing on the magic being cast.
45a: They will, however, involve one or more of the following: An erotic dance or motion, a strangely-cool name (Burst Velour Triumphant), or references to demonic forces of some sort.
45b: 90% of magical spells cause explosions, regardless of how much or how little sense it makes for the spell to explode.

46: If you are a magical girl or effete magical boy, you will have a small animal mascot.
46a: Said mascot is a twitchy little bastard, and suspects even your future allies of being evil enemies.
46b: Said mascot has access to powerups that they won't give you yet- and is witholding them without a reason.
46c: Said mascot frequently either is negligible in capability or has a memory that would make an Alzheimer's sufferer look askance at them.

47: The enemy is centered in or originates from somewhere in a polar ice cap.
47a: Exception: if the previous enemy followed this rule or the next enemy is going to, this enemy might not.

48: No matter how ridiculous a magical girl's attack name, attack wind up, or attack itself is, you cannot evade it, and do not want to be hit by it. (A twelve-foot-tall three-foot-thick crystal heart is painful, no matter how silly it looks flying through the air.)
48a: In the event the attack itself isn't dangerous, it *will* either distract you enough to let the magical girl's allies hit you, or cause you to dangerously underestimate the magical girl.

[Ike]

You will look the same no matter how many years have passed.

[VWF_champion]

Your life will be very very very very very very very very very very lame because life becomes crappy.

[Antisocial]

English would become known as the "uncool" language.

[Sim Kid]

^

For that matter, any language other than Japanese is uncool.

[Galefore]

If you are a major character, you will never die. Ever. No matter what kind of insane, humanly impossible amount of damage you attain.

Spoiler Below

Unless of course you are in Basilisk.

[Rattan]

School girls must beware tentacles.

[Sim Kid]

Originally Posted by Galefore

If you are a major character, you will never die. Ever. No matter what kind of insane, humanly impossible amount of damage you attain.

But if you DO die and aren't in the mentioned anime...it's only temporary. ;p

[Guildmaster]

you'd git big uuhh...swords yup ,swords.

[Cold Fire the Ranger]

You must twirl your sword, spear (whether it be double- or single-headed), or staff many times before you unleash it's power or to just slash the crap out of your enemy.