omg i wrote teh story lol - VGF

Smarmy Vent · 11-19-2006, 02:47 PM

FictionPress.Com : Dead City

I wrote a story. Actually, I've had it for quite a while now. I'm not sure if this is exactly the right thread to post this thing, but I'm looking for more reviews. You can click the link to begin reading my story (it's not finished quite yet), and tell me what you think. Here's a little sample from the prologue.

The skies finally cleared, the moon and stars that had just earlier been shrouded beneath the dark clouds were at last visible. Arcadia, the so-called City of Peace, lay in ruin, destroyed by its own incessant violence and corruption. The Church was burnt to the earth, the City Hall shot out, and the proud Knudsen Center, once the tallest building in the West, now collapsing while fire fighters try in vain to extinguish the blaze sending a thick pillar of black smoke into the night sky. Every now and then, an explosion would rip the air, roaring deafeningly like the ravenous hounds of Hell.

The streets were devoid of humanity, save the police vehicles navigating the avenues. Businesses and public centers were in lockdown, and people were prevented from leaving their homes. A deep, robotic voice spoke calmly over the city loudspeakers, trying to assure the citizens that the danger would soon be over.

The North Tower, a mile from the city center, was quiet. The rain-plastered windows glistened in the moonlight, while occasionally a person would peek out through the drapes to the burning tower far away. And as the clouds parted in the sky, the moonlight shone down upon the streets beneath the tower to reveal a depressing sight.

Sprawled across the pavement lay the broken and blood-spattered body of a young man who had fallen from the Tower. His eyes were closed solemnly, his left arm held across his reddened chest. No one saw him. No one heard him. Only one person alive knew him. And that person was standing over him.

The woman looked down at the body with a bleak, sullen frown. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she bent over to examine it. Her hand gently stroked the boy’s face, almost lovingly, as though she was saying goodbye. When she brought her hand back, a crumpled note was in its grasp, taken from the boy. She stood up to read it, and as she did, little teardrops fell from her face onto the paper to mix in with the blood.

When she finished reading the letter, she somberly folded it up and placed in her pocket. “Ma’am?” a voice said from behind her. She turned around to face a tired-looking police officer. “You shouldn’t be walking around on the streets right now. It’s very—.” He stopped, glancing over her shoulder at the body lying dead on the sidewalk. “Ah, Christ, not another one.” He turned around and pulled out his radio. “Dispatch, I’ve got another ten-forty on 13th and Kennedy, at the southeast entrance to the North Tower.” The voice on the other end replied, and the officer nodded his head. “Yeah, and there’s a woman here who—.”

He turned around. The woman was gone. She had left no trace behind, no touch, no breath, no sound. She had vanished into the darkness of the night, never to be seen by human eyes ever again, for she had had enough of the city and its wicked inhabitants. She knew she had tried her best to save them, to save those she loved, but all in vain.

And so, as the evening came to a close, so did the criminal municipality of Arcadia. Its buildings crumbled and citizens burned alive, victims of their own iniquity. Not a single life was spared, every evil soul sent hurtling into the Great Beyond. There were no longer any heroes in Arcadia, only villains. And as heroes work only to help others, villains work only to destroy others. It was that never-ending chain which led to the downfall of the city.

The woman stopped. She stood at the edge of the dying metropolis, her long hair blowing in the night breeze. She glanced backwards at the city one last time, then disappeared into the night.

Comments?

Galefore · 11-19-2006, 04:09 PM

Hmm. You would make a good gunjin battler, honestly, this is some good stuff. I would say that you know your imagery very well, and that is a very good characteristic in a writer. Keep up the good work, pal.

Smarmy Vent · 11-19-2006, 06:54 PM

Honestly I have no idea what Gunjin is. I checked it out once but couldn't understand what the hell was going on. But whatever it is, it seems cool.

Galefore · 11-19-2006, 07:02 PM

It is an RP board in which you battle someone using a character (Any character, original or not) with detailed, vibrant attacks. It kinda goes back and forth. For more info, there's a rules topic that pretty much sums everything up.

Am I off topic?

Oh yeah, the story is awesome.

t3hDarkness · 11-20-2006, 04:41 PM

I like your style of writing, plus I don't see glaring errors with spelling or grammar.

Gunjin seems to be a perfect place for Valigarmander and other good writers.

Smarmy Vent · 11-20-2006, 11:35 PM

Thanks for your feedback, guys. And maybe I will give Gunjin a try... Who knows, I might be good at whatever the hell it is.

Smarmy Vent · 11-23-2006, 01:43 PM

Hey, if anyone feels like reading something, feel free to read what I've got of my story. I'd like to get some more reviews, I could really use the help. I just finished the 7th chapter. So, yeah. I would pay people to review this thing, but alas I have no money. All I can offer is my respect.

***Heroine of the Dragon*** · 11-24-2006, 06:43 PM

Very nice prologue... *gives ya marshmallows*

I'll try to read all of it over the weekend.

Smarmy Vent · 11-25-2006, 07:09 PM

Oh teh yays! I got marshmallows! *eats*

Smarmy Vent · 11-29-2006, 07:57 PM

New chapter up!

Smarmy Vent · 12-04-2006, 11:26 PM

I just finished a new chapter, and I will upload it to FictionPress soon...

*realizes nobody's paying any attention*

Oh, poop.

Well, if anyone feels like reading through my entire story and reviewing it, I'm willing to offer a reward. I could give you some of my points, I keep getting them but I never use them. Tell me what amount sounds fair. And, uh, while you're at it, tell me how to give people points.

<.<

>.>

*runs*

Smarmy Vent · 12-10-2006, 09:53 PM

'Kay, if anyone reads and reviews my story, I will donate a hearty 2500 points to that person. Maybe 3000 if I'm in a good mood.

Jeezus, I don't even know what the hell points are for.

11-19-2006, 02:47 PM	#1
Smarmy Vent The night is darkest just before the dawn. Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Gotham Gender: Posts: 12,636 Thanks: 727 Thanked 1,138 Times in 601 Posts Points: 57.52 Bank: 116,362.15 Total Points: 116,419.67 Donate	omg i wrote teh story lol FictionPress.Com : Dead City I wrote a story. Actually, I've had it for quite a while now. I'm not sure if this is exactly the right thread to post this thing, but I'm looking for more reviews. You can click the link to begin reading my story (it's not finished quite yet), and tell me what you think. Here's a little sample from the prologue. The skies finally cleared, the moon and stars that had just earlier been shrouded beneath the dark clouds were at last visible. Arcadia, the so-called City of Peace, lay in ruin, destroyed by its own incessant violence and corruption. The Church was burnt to the earth, the City Hall shot out, and the proud Knudsen Center, once the tallest building in the West, now collapsing while fire fighters try in vain to extinguish the blaze sending a thick pillar of black smoke into the night sky. Every now and then, an explosion would rip the air, roaring deafeningly like the ravenous hounds of Hell. The streets were devoid of humanity, save the police vehicles navigating the avenues. Businesses and public centers were in lockdown, and people were prevented from leaving their homes. A deep, robotic voice spoke calmly over the city loudspeakers, trying to assure the citizens that the danger would soon be over. The North Tower, a mile from the city center, was quiet. The rain-plastered windows glistened in the moonlight, while occasionally a person would peek out through the drapes to the burning tower far away. And as the clouds parted in the sky, the moonlight shone down upon the streets beneath the tower to reveal a depressing sight. Sprawled across the pavement lay the broken and blood-spattered body of a young man who had fallen from the Tower. His eyes were closed solemnly, his left arm held across his reddened chest. No one saw him. No one heard him. Only one person alive knew him. And that person was standing over him. The woman looked down at the body with a bleak, sullen frown. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she bent over to examine it. Her hand gently stroked the boy’s face, almost lovingly, as though she was saying goodbye. When she brought her hand back, a crumpled note was in its grasp, taken from the boy. She stood up to read it, and as she did, little teardrops fell from her face onto the paper to mix in with the blood. When she finished reading the letter, she somberly folded it up and placed in her pocket. “Ma’am?” a voice said from behind her. She turned around to face a tired-looking police officer. “You shouldn’t be walking around on the streets right now. It’s very—.” He stopped, glancing over her shoulder at the body lying dead on the sidewalk. “Ah, Christ, not another one.” He turned around and pulled out his radio. “Dispatch, I’ve got another ten-forty on 13th and Kennedy, at the southeast entrance to the North Tower.” The voice on the other end replied, and the officer nodded his head. “Yeah, and there’s a woman here who—.” He turned around. The woman was gone. She had left no trace behind, no touch, no breath, no sound. She had vanished into the darkness of the night, never to be seen by human eyes ever again, for she had had enough of the city and its wicked inhabitants. She knew she had tried her best to save them, to save those she loved, but all in vain. And so, as the evening came to a close, so did the criminal municipality of Arcadia. Its buildings crumbled and citizens burned alive, victims of their own iniquity. Not a single life was spared, every evil soul sent hurtling into the Great Beyond. There were no longer any heroes in Arcadia, only villains. And as heroes work only to help others, villains work only to destroy others. It was that never-ending chain which led to the downfall of the city. The woman stopped. She stood at the edge of the dying metropolis, her long hair blowing in the night breeze. She glanced backwards at the city one last time, then disappeared into the night. Comments?

11-19-2006, 04:09 PM	#2
Galefore Gunjinkeeper Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Dry land. Gender: Posts: 5,540 Thanks: 602 Thanked 334 Times in 267 Posts Blog Entries: 2 Points: 4,348.66 Bank: 34,721.88 Total Points: 39,070.54 Donate	Hmm. You would make a good gunjin battler, honestly, this is some good stuff. I would say that you know your imagery very well, and that is a very good characteristic in a writer. Keep up the good work, pal.

11-19-2006, 06:54 PM	#3
Smarmy Vent The night is darkest just before the dawn. Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Gotham Gender: Posts: 12,636 Thanks: 727 Thanked 1,138 Times in 601 Posts Points: 57.52 Bank: 116,362.15 Total Points: 116,419.67 Donate	Honestly I have no idea what Gunjin is. I checked it out once but couldn't understand what the hell was going on. But whatever it is, it seems cool.

11-19-2006, 07:02 PM	#4
Galefore Gunjinkeeper Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Dry land. Gender: Posts: 5,540 Thanks: 602 Thanked 334 Times in 267 Posts Blog Entries: 2 Points: 4,348.66 Bank: 34,721.88 Total Points: 39,070.54 Donate	It is an RP board in which you battle someone using a character (Any character, original or not) with detailed, vibrant attacks. It kinda goes back and forth. For more info, there's a rules topic that pretty much sums everything up. Am I off topic? Oh yeah, the story is awesome.

11-20-2006, 04:41 PM	#5
t3hDarkness Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: I've been lost here before Gender: Posts: 4,153 Thanks: 43 Thanked 109 Times in 87 Posts Points: 12,232.81 Bank: 84,629.27 Total Points: 96,862.07 Donate	I like your style of writing, plus I don't see glaring errors with spelling or grammar. Gunjin seems to be a perfect place for Valigarmander and other good writers.

11-20-2006, 11:35 PM	#6
Smarmy Vent The night is darkest just before the dawn. Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Gotham Gender: Posts: 12,636 Thanks: 727 Thanked 1,138 Times in 601 Posts Points: 57.52 Bank: 116,362.15 Total Points: 116,419.67 Donate	Thanks for your feedback, guys. And maybe I will give Gunjin a try... Who knows, I might be good at whatever the hell it is.

11-23-2006, 01:43 PM	#7
Smarmy Vent The night is darkest just before the dawn. Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Gotham Gender: Posts: 12,636 Thanks: 727 Thanked 1,138 Times in 601 Posts Points: 57.52 Bank: 116,362.15 Total Points: 116,419.67 Donate	Hey, if anyone feels like reading something, feel free to read what I've got of my story. I'd like to get some more reviews, I could really use the help. I just finished the 7th chapter. So, yeah. I would pay people to review this thing, but alas I have no money. All I can offer is my respect.

11-24-2006, 06:43 PM	#8
*Heroine of the Dragon* The Grinnie Fool! ♥ VGFCodes Staff Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: In a pretty place surrounded by sparkly faerie dust!! Gender: Posts: 27,546 Thanks: 241 Thanked 258 Times in 190 Posts Blog Entries: 1 Points: 17,287.77 Bank: 1,906,558.86 Total Points: 1,923,846.63 Donate	Very nice prologue... gives ya marshmallows I'll try to read all of it over the weekend.

11-25-2006, 07:09 PM	#9
Smarmy Vent The night is darkest just before the dawn. Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Gotham Gender: Posts: 12,636 Thanks: 727 Thanked 1,138 Times in 601 Posts Points: 57.52 Bank: 116,362.15 Total Points: 116,419.67 Donate	Oh teh yays! I got marshmallows! eats

11-29-2006, 07:57 PM	#10
Smarmy Vent The night is darkest just before the dawn. Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Gotham Gender: Posts: 12,636 Thanks: 727 Thanked 1,138 Times in 601 Posts Points: 57.52 Bank: 116,362.15 Total Points: 116,419.67 Donate	New chapter up!

12-04-2006, 11:26 PM	#11
Smarmy Vent The night is darkest just before the dawn. Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Gotham Gender: Posts: 12,636 Thanks: 727 Thanked 1,138 Times in 601 Posts Points: 57.52 Bank: 116,362.15 Total Points: 116,419.67 Donate	I just finished a new chapter, and I will upload it to FictionPress soon... realizes nobody's paying any attention Oh, poop. Well, if anyone feels like reading through my entire story and reviewing it, I'm willing to offer a reward. I could give you some of my points, I keep getting them but I never use them. Tell me what amount sounds fair. And, uh, while you're at it, tell me how to give people points. <.< >.> runs

12-10-2006, 09:53 PM	#12
Smarmy Vent The night is darkest just before the dawn. Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Gotham Gender: Posts: 12,636 Thanks: 727 Thanked 1,138 Times in 601 Posts Points: 57.52 Bank: 116,362.15 Total Points: 116,419.67 Donate	'Kay, if anyone reads and reviews my story, I will donate a hearty 2500 points to that person. Maybe 3000 if I'm in a good mood. Jeezus, I don't even know what the hell points are for.