"All That's Left"

Youma · 03-28-2004, 03:49 PM

This is the beginning to my story. I will post more over time...
----------------______________________-----------

1953 ATL, Klisdon, America...

"We won't stand for this!" Yelk shouted.
"Hold your tongue," Shrel replied.
"Why should I? They haven't given us freedom in the past 2,000 years," commented Yelk.
"Both of you quiet!!!" screamed Bron, head of the rebellion.

The rebellion were the few remaining humans besides the Creils. The Creils were the ruling party. They started as a democracy, but they turned into a rough, power hungry monarchy.

Yul leaped up. He heard a Razer-ship flying overhead. Beams shot from the Razer-ship. They were targeted at a low flying Cargo-Flyer.

"Move!" yelled Yul.
The Razer-ship turned and started firing at the base. Boom! The armory wing went offline. Yul hopped into a QR38-flyer and took off. He took many shots at the R-ship.
"This is Raz931Q, Flight Number 3, please cease and desist," stated the pilot of the R-ship.
"Never, Creil scum!" shouted the angry Yul.
The Razer-ship shot at Yul. Finally, one of Yul's shots connected. It disabled the pilot's right wing and navigation. As he was going down, he maneuvered into the path of the Cargo-flyer and took it down with him.
----------------______________________-----------

Like it so far? PLease post feedback. By the way, this is a 12 year old writing it.

03-29-2004, 11:09 PM

This probably belongs more in the Fanfic forum...it's okay, but...I don't seem to remember reading about that kind of stuff happening in 1953.

03-30-2004, 04:13 AM

No, I enthusiastically support the concept that it belongs here. Keep up the good work, Butcher.

EDIT: Sorry Brooser, just a bad circuit in my head there. I knew it was DB.

[ March 30, 2004, 03:48 PM: Message edited by: KRUSHING in PROGRESS ]

03-30-2004, 02:16 PM

Nevermind. He fixed it.

[ March 30, 2004, 10:58 PM: Message edited by: Brooser Koopa ]

03-30-2004, 04:46 PM

I'll lend you my criticism... You've started the story in a decent place, and you seem to handle dialogue well enough. All I can say is that you might be trying to run when you should walk, but that won't turn me away. The quickness of events is something you might want to build up to, you know? At any rate, reading this, I felt like I was jumping to the middle of a good book. Just try to familiarize the readers with the characters before you start throwing tons of names at us?

And DB, you're doing a great job for a 12 year old.

[ March 30, 2004, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: KRUSHING in PROGRESS ]

Youma · 03-31-2004, 11:14 PM

Thanx for the feedback. 1953 ATL (All That's Left) Brooser, this is no way based on any characters from vgs.

Here is some more:

The Razer-ship shot at Yul. Finally, one of Yul's shots connected. It disabled the pilot's right wing and navigation. As he was going down, he maneuvered into the path of the Cargo-flyer and took it down with him. Yul headed back to base.

"Where have you been? We were about to file you as a POW," questioned Bron.

"I took down a Creil ship, but lost us a Cargo-flyer," replied Yul.

Yul saw Shrel running to the armory wing. He decide to follow. When they got there, Yul saw Clint. Clint was head of the Creils army. "You are now in our custody, Yulsh," said the muffled Clint," surrender at once."

"Never. I don't surrender to jerkish power hungry mosters who attack me," cried Yul as he ran.

Yul ran and ran. When he stopped running he was in the Cargo wing. He hid in a Cargo-flyer. All of a sudden, the engine started. Yul was forced to jump out. He decided to run again. This time, he ended up at the weaponry wing. As he heard footsteps, he took a Beam-Shooter, a KRL-slicer, and a KRL-saber. A code red was put into effect.

"Code red. Cde red. The Creils have infiltrated our base," boomed the loud speaker.
-----------------------------------------
I have to go.
P.S. AI, can you sticky this?

04-01-2004, 09:45 AM

I don't see why not.

Youma · 04-09-2004, 10:40 PM

" I have to do something," thought Yul. He ran back to the armory wing. He took a KRL-shield and a Gold Gauntlet. He heard footsteps coming from outside. It was a heavily armed Creil, Clint. " Prepare to die, rebel idiot!" screeched Clint.

Yul whipped out his KRL-saber. He had learned some of the arts from his father, Bron. Clint went at him screeching. Clint was armed with a CRL-shaber. He shot at Yul. Yul used his KRL-shield to protect him. Clint kept shooting at him. He kept deflecting ****'s shots. As they fought, they moved from wing to wing. They finally reached the Simulation-wing. This is where some of the training took place. Yul jumped on a box as a shot went at him. He dodged many more shots like that. Yul finally shot back. Clint, shocked at the return fire, fell. Yul took this moment to stade right on top of Clint. He pulled his saber out of his pocket. He armed it. The scorching, green light burnt Clint's eyes as it dug through his bidy. There Clint laid, motionless and dead, eyes fully open. Yul had long since burst into tears.

The next day, costruction ceased. Every rebel began to party. "The head of the Creils is dead!" shouted hordes of rebels.

"Please settle down," cried Bron. "My son has a story to tell.

Yul went on and told his life story. It all began during the Great War of 1938 ATL. His father, Bron, was at war. His mother gave burth to him. In the year following, 1939 ATL, his brother, Yelk, was born. Yelk was always aggressive. He longed to kill all of the Creils. On Jule 13, 1943 ATL, Bron had to battle. It was Yul's first birthday, though. That was the beginning of the warrior, Yulsh Carivion. Yul learned a lot about the Creils. He knew what had to be done, death to them all. His father taught him battle skills over the years. When he turned thirteen, the holy birthday, his mother died. SHe had been ill for the past month, but her heart finally gave in. This was the point where Yul's anger started to flow. It had turned out, his mother was a daughter of a Creils. His cousins were Creils. He hoped he would never fight them. Alas, on his fourteenth birthday, he had to fight Chek and Shelt, his Creils cousins.

The Creils weren't having as good of a time. They held a funeral for Clint. They needed a new leader, and quickly. Shelt was somebody they nominated. At the end, he was chose. NEws spread quickly. It wasn't long before Yul found out about his cousin.

"This can't be. If I am to fight, I won't. He may be a Creils, but he is my cousin!" Yul demanded.

Yul hopped into his QR38-flyer and took off. He flew straight into Creils territory. Shelt commanded him to go down. "Please land immediately," shouted Shelt over a radio.

"No, I won't. I have liberty to fly here," replied Yul.

"Maybe when Shelt was alive. Now, I Shelt, am in charge," boasted Shelt.

"Shelt, this is QR38-number seven. I have more authorization than you can think of. This is Yulsh Carivion, your cousin," answered the agitated Yul.

----------------------
Would you buy this if it was published?

04-10-2004, 03:10 PM

Yes, well I'm not a war fan, but probably borrow from Liberry. Plus check mistakes every line and word, I saw two. burth and SHe.

But yeah keep going by all means.

Youma · 05-05-2004, 06:16 PM

I may only post little excerpts now. I have decided if I am going to publish it(like in 2 years), people shouldn't know the entire story.

Any final critiques?

A.I. please pin again.

05-08-2004, 09:22 PM

Sorry, Darth, but it's not gonna get a pin unless you update it. Plenty of people write. Perhaps we should make a topic where people can post their stories or links to them, and others can critique?

03-28-2004, 03:49 PM	#1
Youma Newbie Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 3 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Points: 2,418.50 Bank: 500.00 Total Points: 2,918.50 Donate	This is the beginning to my story. I will post more over time... ----------------______________________----------- 1953 ATL, Klisdon, America... "We won't stand for this!" Yelk shouted. "Hold your tongue," Shrel replied. "Why should I? They haven't given us freedom in the past 2,000 years," commented Yelk. "Both of you quiet!!!" screamed Bron, head of the rebellion. The rebellion were the few remaining humans besides the Creils. The Creils were the ruling party. They started as a democracy, but they turned into a rough, power hungry monarchy. Yul leaped up. He heard a Razer-ship flying overhead. Beams shot from the Razer-ship. They were targeted at a low flying Cargo-Flyer. "Move!" yelled Yul. The Razer-ship turned and started firing at the base. Boom! The armory wing went offline. Yul hopped into a QR38-flyer and took off. He took many shots at the R-ship. "This is Raz931Q, Flight Number 3, please cease and desist," stated the pilot of the R-ship. "Never, Creil scum!" shouted the angry Yul. The Razer-ship shot at Yul. Finally, one of Yul's shots connected. It disabled the pilot's right wing and navigation. As he was going down, he maneuvered into the path of the Cargo-flyer and took it down with him. ----------------______________________----------- Like it so far? PLease post feedback. By the way, this is a 12 year old writing it.

03-29-2004, 11:09 PM	#2
Tripp Guest Posts: n/a Points: 0 Bank: 0 Total Points: 0 Donate	This probably belongs more in the Fanfic forum...it's okay, but...I don't seem to remember reading about that kind of stuff happening in 1953.

03-30-2004, 04:13 AM	#3
Psytronic Guest Posts: n/a Points: 0 Bank: 0 Total Points: 0 Donate	No, I enthusiastically support the concept that it belongs here. Keep up the good work, Butcher. EDIT: Sorry Brooser, just a bad circuit in my head there. I knew it was DB. [ March 30, 2004, 03:48 PM: Message edited by: KRUSHING in PROGRESS ]

03-30-2004, 02:16 PM	#4
Tripp Guest Posts: n/a Points: 0 Bank: 0 Total Points: 0 Donate	Nevermind. He fixed it. [ March 30, 2004, 10:58 PM: Message edited by: Brooser Koopa ]

03-30-2004, 04:46 PM	#5
Psytronic Guest Posts: n/a Points: 0 Bank: 0 Total Points: 0 Donate	I'll lend you my criticism... You've started the story in a decent place, and you seem to handle dialogue well enough. All I can say is that you might be trying to run when you should walk, but that won't turn me away. The quickness of events is something you might want to build up to, you know? At any rate, reading this, I felt like I was jumping to the middle of a good book. Just try to familiarize the readers with the characters before you start throwing tons of names at us? And DB, you're doing a great job for a 12 year old. [ March 30, 2004, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: KRUSHING in PROGRESS ]

03-31-2004, 11:14 PM	#6
Youma Newbie Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 3 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Points: 2,418.50 Bank: 500.00 Total Points: 2,918.50 Donate	Thanx for the feedback. 1953 ATL (All That's Left) Brooser, this is no way based on any characters from vgs. Here is some more: The Razer-ship shot at Yul. Finally, one of Yul's shots connected. It disabled the pilot's right wing and navigation. As he was going down, he maneuvered into the path of the Cargo-flyer and took it down with him. Yul headed back to base. "Where have you been? We were about to file you as a POW," questioned Bron. "I took down a Creil ship, but lost us a Cargo-flyer," replied Yul. Yul saw Shrel running to the armory wing. He decide to follow. When they got there, Yul saw Clint. Clint was head of the Creils army. "You are now in our custody, Yulsh," said the muffled Clint," surrender at once." "Never. I don't surrender to jerkish power hungry mosters who attack me," cried Yul as he ran. Yul ran and ran. When he stopped running he was in the Cargo wing. He hid in a Cargo-flyer. All of a sudden, the engine started. Yul was forced to jump out. He decided to run again. This time, he ended up at the weaponry wing. As he heard footsteps, he took a Beam-Shooter, a KRL-slicer, and a KRL-saber. A code red was put into effect. "Code red. Cde red. The Creils have infiltrated our base," boomed the loud speaker. ----------------------------------------- I have to go. P.S. AI, can you sticky this?

04-01-2004, 09:45 AM	#7
Psytronic Guest Posts: n/a Points: 0 Bank: 0 Total Points: 0 Donate	I don't see why not.

04-09-2004, 10:40 PM	#8
Youma Newbie Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 3 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Points: 2,418.50 Bank: 500.00 Total Points: 2,918.50 Donate	" I have to do something," thought Yul. He ran back to the armory wing. He took a KRL-shield and a Gold Gauntlet. He heard footsteps coming from outside. It was a heavily armed Creil, Clint. " Prepare to die, rebel idiot!" screeched Clint. Yul whipped out his KRL-saber. He had learned some of the arts from his father, Bron. Clint went at him screeching. Clint was armed with a CRL-shaber. He shot at Yul. Yul used his KRL-shield to protect him. Clint kept shooting at him. He kept deflecting ****'s shots. As they fought, they moved from wing to wing. They finally reached the Simulation-wing. This is where some of the training took place. Yul jumped on a box as a shot went at him. He dodged many more shots like that. Yul finally shot back. Clint, shocked at the return fire, fell. Yul took this moment to stade right on top of Clint. He pulled his saber out of his pocket. He armed it. The scorching, green light burnt Clint's eyes as it dug through his bidy. There Clint laid, motionless and dead, eyes fully open. Yul had long since burst into tears. The next day, costruction ceased. Every rebel began to party. "The head of the Creils is dead!" shouted hordes of rebels. "Please settle down," cried Bron. "My son has a story to tell. Yul went on and told his life story. It all began during the Great War of 1938 ATL. His father, Bron, was at war. His mother gave burth to him. In the year following, 1939 ATL, his brother, Yelk, was born. Yelk was always aggressive. He longed to kill all of the Creils. On Jule 13, 1943 ATL, Bron had to battle. It was Yul's first birthday, though. That was the beginning of the warrior, Yulsh Carivion. Yul learned a lot about the Creils. He knew what had to be done, death to them all. His father taught him battle skills over the years. When he turned thirteen, the holy birthday, his mother died. SHe had been ill for the past month, but her heart finally gave in. This was the point where Yul's anger started to flow. It had turned out, his mother was a daughter of a Creils. His cousins were Creils. He hoped he would never fight them. Alas, on his fourteenth birthday, he had to fight Chek and Shelt, his Creils cousins. The Creils weren't having as good of a time. They held a funeral for Clint. They needed a new leader, and quickly. Shelt was somebody they nominated. At the end, he was chose. NEws spread quickly. It wasn't long before Yul found out about his cousin. "This can't be. If I am to fight, I won't. He may be a Creils, but he is my cousin!" Yul demanded. Yul hopped into his QR38-flyer and took off. He flew straight into Creils territory. Shelt commanded him to go down. "Please land immediately," shouted Shelt over a radio. "No, I won't. I have liberty to fly here," replied Yul. "Maybe when Shelt was alive. Now, I Shelt, am in charge," boasted Shelt. "Shelt, this is QR38-number seven. I have more authorization than you can think of. This is Yulsh Carivion, your cousin," answered the agitated Yul. ---------------------- Would you buy this if it was published?

04-10-2004, 03:10 PM	#9
Nomyt Guest Posts: n/a Points: 0 Bank: 0 Total Points: 0 Donate	Yes, well I'm not a war fan, but probably borrow from Liberry. Plus check mistakes every line and word, I saw two. burth and SHe. But yeah keep going by all means.

05-05-2004, 06:16 PM	#10
Youma Newbie Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 3 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Points: 2,418.50 Bank: 500.00 Total Points: 2,918.50 Donate	I may only post little excerpts now. I have decided if I am going to publish it(like in 2 years), people shouldn't know the entire story. Any final critiques? A.I. please pin again.

05-08-2004, 09:22 PM	#11
Psytronic Guest Posts: n/a Points: 0 Bank: 0 Total Points: 0 Donate	Sorry, Darth, but it's not gonna get a pin unless you update it. Plenty of people write. Perhaps we should make a topic where people can post their stories or links to them, and others can critique?