Favorite Catch 22 quotes? - VGF

Vinny · 02-25-2005, 01:36 PM

This has to be one of my favorite books. Not only was Heller's writing style amazing, but he had a great sense of humor, and this book in particular has the most quotable moments I've ever seen within a book. To anyone who's read the book, what are your fav Catch 22 quotes? Here's some of mine:

'Colonel Cargill was a forceful, ruddy man. Before the war, he had been an alert, hard-hitting, aggressive marketing executive. He was a very bad marketing executive. Colonel Cargill was so bad a marketing executive that his services were much sought after by firms eager to establish losses for tax purposes. Throughout the civilized world, from Battery Park to Fulton Street, he was known as a dependable man for a fast tax write-off. His prices were high, for failure often did not come easily. He had to start at the top and work himself down, and with sympathetic friends in Washington, losing money was no simple matter. It took months of hard work and careful misplanning. A person misplaced, disorganized, miscalculated, overlooked everything and opened every loophole, and just when he thought he had it made, the government gave him a lake or a forest or an oilfield and spoiled everything. Even with such handicaps, Colonel Cargill could be relied on to run the most prosperous enterprise into the ground. He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody.'

'"Hasn't it ever occured to you that in your promiscuous pursuit of women you are merely trying to assuage your subconcious fears of sexual impotence?

"Yes, sir, it has."

"Then why do you do it?"

"To assuage my subconcious fears of sexual impotence."'

'Major Major had been born too late and too mediocre. Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction than all the rest, and people who met him were always impressed by how unimpressive he was.'

'Major Major's father was a sober God-fearing man whose idea of a good joke was to lie about his age. He was a long-limbed farmer, a God-fearing, freedom-loving, law-abiding rugged individualist who held that federal aid to anyone but farmers was creeping socialism. He advocated thrift and hard work and disapproved of loose women who turned him down.

His specialty was alfalfa, and he made a good thing out of not growing any. The government paid him well for every bushel of alfalfa he did not grow. The more alfalfa he did not grow, the more money the government gave him, and he spent
every penny he didn't earn on new land to increase the amount of alfalfa he did not produce. Major Major's father worked without rest at not growing alfalfa. On long winter evenings he remained indoors and did not mend harness, and he sprang out of bed at the crack of noon every day just to make certain that the chores would not be done. He invested in land wisely and soon was not growing more alfalfa than any other man in the county. Neighbors sought him out for advice on all subjects, for he had made much money and was therefore wise. "As ye sow, so shall ye reap," he counseled one and all, and everyone said, "Amen."'

'"I wonder what he did to deserve it," the warrant officer with malaria and a mosquito bite on his ass lamented after Nurse Cramer had read her thermometer and discovered that the soldier in white was dead.
"He went to war," the fighter pilot with the golden moustache surmised.

"We all went to war," Dunbar countered.

"That's what I mean," the warrant officer with malaria continued. "Why him? There just doesn't seem to be any logic to this system of rewards and punishment. Look what happened to me. If I had gotten syphilis or a dose of clap for my five minutes of passion on the beach instead of this damned mosquito bite, I could see some justice. But malaria? Malaria? Who can explain malaria as a consequence of fornication?" The warrant officer shook his head in numbed astonishment.

"What about me?" Yossarian said. "I stepped out of my tent in Marrakech one night to get a bar of candy and caught your dose of clap when that Wac I never even saw before hissed me into the bushes. All I really wanted was a bar of candy, but who could turn it down?"

"That sounds like my dose of clap, alright," the warrant officer agreed. "But I've still got somebody else's malaria. Just for once I'd like to see all these things sort of straightened out, with each person getting exactly what he deserves. It might give me some confidence in the universe".

"I've got somebody else's three hundred thousand dollars," the dashing young fighter captain with the golden moustache admitted. "I've been goofing off since the day I was born. I cheated my way through prep school and college, and just about all I've been doing ever since is shacking up with pretty girls who think I'd make a good husband. I've got no ambition at all. The only thing I want to do after the war is to marry some girl who's got more money than I have and shack up with lots more pretty girls. The three hundred thousand bucks was left to me before I was born by a grandfather who made a fortune selling hogwash on an international scale. I know I don't deserve it, but I'll be damned if I give it back. I wonder who it really belongs to."

"Maybe it belongs to my father," Dunbar conjectured. "He spent a lifetime at hardwork and could never make enough money to send my sister and me through college. He's dead now, so you might as well keep it."

"Now, if we can just find out who my malaria belongs to, we'd be all set. It's not that I've got anything against malaria. I'd just as soon goldbrick with malaria as with anything else. It's only that I feel an injustice has been committed. Why should I have somebody else's malaria and you have my dose of clap?"

"I've got more than your dose of clap," Yossarian told him. "I've got to keep flying combat missions because of that dose of clap until they kill me."

"That makes it even worse. What's the justice in that?"'

'"Say uncle," they said to her.
"Uncle," she said.

"No, no. Say uncle."

"Uncle," she said.

"She still doesn't understand."

"You still don't understand, do you? We can't really make you say uncle unless you don't want to say uncle. Don't you see? Don't say uncle when I tell you to say uncle. Okay? Say uncle."

"Uncle," she said.

"No, don't say uncle. Say uncle."

She didn't say uncle.

"That's good!"

"It's a start. Now say uncle."

"Uncle," she said.

"It's no good."

"No, it's no good that way either. She just isn't impressed with us There's just no fun making her say uncle when she doesn't care whether we make her say uncle or not."

"No, she really doesn't care, does she? Say 'foot'."

"Foot."

"You see? She doesn't care about anything we do. She doesn't care about us. We don't mean a thing to you, do we?"

"Uncle," she said.'

I'd post the whole of Clevinger's trial, which is probably the funniest part of the book, but it's way too long.

[ February 25, 2005, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: Disraeli Gears ]

Codiekitty · 02-25-2005, 06:23 PM

I've only read half of it, but the part with the fight between Hungry Joe and Huple's cat was pretty funny.

Where are these lemmings going? The Super Nintendo Super Shire! Hop in line and follow them there!

GRENTLEMEN · 02-28-2005, 05:14 AM

Awesome stuff.

Codiekitty · 03-06-2005, 08:16 PM

Finished it.

Maybe it was from having to read 130 pages in about 3 and half hours, but that ending was one big "...ALRIGHTY THEN!"

Where are these lemmings going? The Super Nintendo Super Shire! Hop in line and follow them there!

[ March 06, 2005, 07:19 PM: Message edited by: CodieKitty ]

02-25-2005, 01:36 PM	#1
Vinny Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home for incurable tyrants and kings Posts: 7,262 Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post Points: 15,013.86 Bank: 500.00 Total Points: 15,513.86 Donate	This has to be one of my favorite books. Not only was Heller's writing style amazing, but he had a great sense of humor, and this book in particular has the most quotable moments I've ever seen within a book. To anyone who's read the book, what are your fav Catch 22 quotes? Here's some of mine: 'Colonel Cargill was a forceful, ruddy man. Before the war, he had been an alert, hard-hitting, aggressive marketing executive. He was a very bad marketing executive. Colonel Cargill was so bad a marketing executive that his services were much sought after by firms eager to establish losses for tax purposes. Throughout the civilized world, from Battery Park to Fulton Street, he was known as a dependable man for a fast tax write-off. His prices were high, for failure often did not come easily. He had to start at the top and work himself down, and with sympathetic friends in Washington, losing money was no simple matter. It took months of hard work and careful misplanning. A person misplaced, disorganized, miscalculated, overlooked everything and opened every loophole, and just when he thought he had it made, the government gave him a lake or a forest or an oilfield and spoiled everything. Even with such handicaps, Colonel Cargill could be relied on to run the most prosperous enterprise into the ground. He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody.' '"Hasn't it ever occured to you that in your promiscuous pursuit of women you are merely trying to assuage your subconcious fears of sexual impotence? "Yes, sir, it has." "Then why do you do it?" "To assuage my subconcious fears of sexual impotence."' 'Major Major had been born too late and too mediocre. Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction than all the rest, and people who met him were always impressed by how unimpressive he was.' 'Major Major's father was a sober God-fearing man whose idea of a good joke was to lie about his age. He was a long-limbed farmer, a God-fearing, freedom-loving, law-abiding rugged individualist who held that federal aid to anyone but farmers was creeping socialism. He advocated thrift and hard work and disapproved of loose women who turned him down. His specialty was alfalfa, and he made a good thing out of not growing any. The government paid him well for every bushel of alfalfa he did not grow. The more alfalfa he did not grow, the more money the government gave him, and he spent every penny he didn't earn on new land to increase the amount of alfalfa he did not produce. Major Major's father worked without rest at not growing alfalfa. On long winter evenings he remained indoors and did not mend harness, and he sprang out of bed at the crack of noon every day just to make certain that the chores would not be done. He invested in land wisely and soon was not growing more alfalfa than any other man in the county. Neighbors sought him out for advice on all subjects, for he had made much money and was therefore wise. "As ye sow, so shall ye reap," he counseled one and all, and everyone said, "Amen."' '"I wonder what he did to deserve it," the warrant officer with malaria and a mosquito bite on his ass lamented after Nurse Cramer had read her thermometer and discovered that the soldier in white was dead. "He went to war," the fighter pilot with the golden moustache surmised. "We all went to war," Dunbar countered. "That's what I mean," the warrant officer with malaria continued. "Why him? There just doesn't seem to be any logic to this system of rewards and punishment. Look what happened to me. If I had gotten syphilis or a dose of clap for my five minutes of passion on the beach instead of this damned mosquito bite, I could see some justice. But malaria? Malaria? Who can explain malaria as a consequence of fornication?" The warrant officer shook his head in numbed astonishment. "What about me?" Yossarian said. "I stepped out of my tent in Marrakech one night to get a bar of candy and caught your dose of clap when that Wac I never even saw before hissed me into the bushes. All I really wanted was a bar of candy, but who could turn it down?" "That sounds like my dose of clap, alright," the warrant officer agreed. "But I've still got somebody else's malaria. Just for once I'd like to see all these things sort of straightened out, with each person getting exactly what he deserves. It might give me some confidence in the universe". "I've got somebody else's three hundred thousand dollars," the dashing young fighter captain with the golden moustache admitted. "I've been goofing off since the day I was born. I cheated my way through prep school and college, and just about all I've been doing ever since is shacking up with pretty girls who think I'd make a good husband. I've got no ambition at all. The only thing I want to do after the war is to marry some girl who's got more money than I have and shack up with lots more pretty girls. The three hundred thousand bucks was left to me before I was born by a grandfather who made a fortune selling hogwash on an international scale. I know I don't deserve it, but I'll be damned if I give it back. I wonder who it really belongs to." "Maybe it belongs to my father," Dunbar conjectured. "He spent a lifetime at hardwork and could never make enough money to send my sister and me through college. He's dead now, so you might as well keep it." "Now, if we can just find out who my malaria belongs to, we'd be all set. It's not that I've got anything against malaria. I'd just as soon goldbrick with malaria as with anything else. It's only that I feel an injustice has been committed. Why should I have somebody else's malaria and you have my dose of clap?" "I've got more than your dose of clap," Yossarian told him. "I've got to keep flying combat missions because of that dose of clap until they kill me." "That makes it even worse. What's the justice in that?"' '"Say uncle," they said to her. "Uncle," she said. "No, no. Say uncle." "Uncle," she said. "She still doesn't understand." "You still don't understand, do you? We can't really make you say uncle unless you don't want to say uncle. Don't you see? Don't say uncle when I tell you to say uncle. Okay? Say uncle." "Uncle," she said. "No, don't say uncle. Say uncle." She didn't say uncle. "That's good!" "It's a start. Now say uncle." "Uncle," she said. "It's no good." "No, it's no good that way either. She just isn't impressed with us There's just no fun making her say uncle when she doesn't care whether we make her say uncle or not." "No, she really doesn't care, does she? Say 'foot'." "Foot." "You see? She doesn't care about anything we do. She doesn't care about us. We don't mean a thing to you, do we?" "Uncle," she said.' I'd post the whole of Clevinger's trial, which is probably the funniest part of the book, but it's way too long. [ February 25, 2005, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: Disraeli Gears ]

02-25-2005, 06:23 PM	#2
Codiekitty Just Another Face in Red Jumpsuit Join Date: May 2001 Location: Lemmingland Gender: Posts: 19,143 Thanks: 121 Thanked 175 Times in 120 Posts Points: 42,868.72 Bank: 3,021,450.74 Total Points: 3,064,319.46 Donate	I've only read half of it, but the part with the fight between Hungry Joe and Huple's cat was pretty funny. Where are these lemmings going? The Super Nintendo Super Shire! Hop in line and follow them there!

02-28-2005, 05:14 AM	#3
GRENTLEMEN Retro Nintendo Supermod Art & Literature Mod Metroid Mod Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: I rub my tilde all over your asterisk Gender: Posts: 15,831 Thanks: 449 Thanked 1,133 Times in 618 Posts Points: 4,728.37 Bank: 1,759,285.16 Total Points: 1,764,013.53 Donate	Awesome stuff.

03-06-2005, 08:16 PM	#4
Codiekitty Just Another Face in Red Jumpsuit Join Date: May 2001 Location: Lemmingland Gender: Posts: 19,143 Thanks: 121 Thanked 175 Times in 120 Posts Points: 42,868.72 Bank: 3,021,450.74 Total Points: 3,064,319.46 Donate	Finished it. Maybe it was from having to read 130 pages in about 3 and half hours, but that ending was one big "...ALRIGHTY THEN!" Where are these lemmings going? The Super Nintendo Super Shire! Hop in line and follow them there! [ March 06, 2005, 07:19 PM: Message edited by: CodieKitty ]