Want a detailed review of your work? - VGF

**S1x** · 10-31-2004, 06:07 AM

Then request so in this topic. I'll check out whatever piece of fanfiction (or stories in general, actually) you have written and tell you extensive information on what I thought was good and what desperately needs touch-ups to work better. Just say that you want something to be looked at, and then post the link to it, whether it be on fanfiction.net, a different web site, or even on this forum (due to the fact that I practically never use more than two sentences when generally commenting, or that I may have skipped over it without actually reading it).

Some notes, though:
-These are only my own opinions on your work. The fact that everyone else thought something was really great does not influence my thoughts.
-Be prepared to take the criticism. By saying that you want me to look at your writings here, you must realize that I will take every single word into account and examine it very carefully, and what may appear as times as harshly. This does not mean you suck as a writer. It just means that should you take some things listed into consideration, you could most likely do moderately better. You can either ignore me or listen, and when you put a request up, I assume you want the latter.
-Don't expect immediate results, especially if what you've written is long and in many chapters. [img]tongue.gif[/img]
-There are no number ratings. That ain't how it works.

Origin of Entria

Chunky Kong12345 · 10-31-2004, 10:36 AM

Call 786-2600.

The Doctor · 10-31-2004, 03:08 PM

I've wanted somebody to review this before I carried it on.

**S1x** · 10-31-2004, 05:06 PM

Okay, here goes.

The intro leads into the story nicely - good detail on the scenery that relates to the story, making it able to be viewed by people other than the writer.

The structure is fine, but watch your commas. I noticed quite a few instances where you used them when you didn't have to. Hey, even I make mistakes sometimes, so no big deal. Just a reminder.

Nice explanation about how each situation had to work the way they did. When I looked at other things, there were too many instances where I thought "Wait, why not just ______?" At least you're not letting that happen. The thing unfolds at a decent pace - not too brief and not too overdetailed.

The second part doesn't really have any flaws to it. I'd say you might have the quality I do. Although I see you went comma-happy again. Heh. The scene, the way it flowed... exactly on par. The one big problem that almost all fanfiction writers encounter (me included) is describing certain characters. Devoting one or two whole paragraphs to them usually works pretty well. And the dialouge helps to create their personality, which is okay the way you did it. Not the greatest, but still alright.

Not much to say on the third part that I haven't already covered, as it seems like a part that connects to the next part, whatever it may be.

Origin of Entria

Pieist · 10-31-2004, 07:53 PM

ADVENTURE BUS · 11-01-2004, 06:40 PM

Could you review my VGF Big Brother, it will be continued, I just can't dig into my brain right now.

X-3 · 11-02-2004, 07:13 PM

Can you review of how my new Fanfic is going?

It's called "The Last Fight".

[ November 04, 2004, 04:53 PM: Message edited by: X-3 Zero ]

**S1x** · 11-25-2004, 09:21 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Do me a favor and kill yourself:
...

Geez, this thing really improved as the chapters went on. The beginning felt really iffy (I think you realized that), but chapters 3 and especially 4 really stood out. The situations pieced together nicely, and you thought ahead of what would happen and how things would occur. Nice going there. Most questions I had in the middle of the story got answered effectively, except the parts you still wish to consider secret.

Grammatically, you make less mistakes than most people's work I've seen, but still, review your paragraphs after you write them. Sometimes I go back and edit my post just to correct some accidental capitalization, punctuation, or spelling errors of mine. It doesn't take that long.

I notice what I assume is an original character. Make sure to completely define them in terms of looks, personalities, and motives. You don't have to do that with non-original characters because most people already know enough stuff about them.

Overall, you're definitely on the right track. Keep that up.

Origin of Entria

The Yoshimaster · 11-25-2004, 11:55 PM

Review this short story, plzkthx.

Kahn · 11-26-2004, 02:37 PM

Please review this:

http://www.vgf.com/cgi-bin/ubb/ubbcg...;f=69;t=000170

Spanky · 11-28-2004, 04:26 PM

http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1762871

Doubt you'll ever get to it, but what the hell.

**S1x** · 12-20-2004, 01:34 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Upside Down, That's For The A-Town:
Could you review my VGF Big Brother, it will be continued, I just can't dig into my brain right now.

The foundation of what you were trying to right about is a challenge in itself. I don't even know if I would be able to work with that type of story well.

Everything is there, but... I don't know, it seems to flow too fast or something. The tension is missing; the ten-second cliffhangers don't seem to be present. Perhaps I read faster than you, but the parts that are supposed to keep you in suspense don't really accomplish what they should.

The characters are defined okay, but it would help if there were constant reminders and checks about their exact character instead of a brief summary. In the case of a story like this, pinpointing the differences between all of them is key.

*post to be edited*

Kirin Damascus · 01-04-2005, 05:32 PM

If you ever get to it...

(the chapters are on the sidebar)

Galefore · 02-08-2005, 10:45 PM

Yes,it'd be nice if someone would review mine.

Erdawn Il Deus · 02-10-2005, 09:09 PM

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1844363/1/

Eh, what the hell -- hit me.

**S1x** · 07-30-2005, 07:11 PM

*self-reminder*

Hopefully you guys are still alive. Heh.

Origin of Entria

The Missing Link · 07-31-2005, 10:24 PM

I posted a story. I'm alive.

(It's everyone else I question.)

If you're board and needing something to do, well, I can provide my fic (*points to next topic*) for you.

"There are some who call me... Link?"

"Carpe Gaium Domesticum!" (Seize the Cucco!)
Zelda: The Grand Adventures | Triforce MUCK
ザ行方不明リンク
悪いユウモアの賢人

Kahn · 08-03-2005, 06:20 PM

So, art thou actually planning to writeth anything?

10-31-2004, 06:07 AM	#1
S1x VGF RPG Mod Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Either over there or right here Gender: Posts: 4,750 Thanks: 14 Thanked 174 Times in 55 Posts Blog Entries: 1 Points: 46,238.40 Bank: 26,433.52 Total Points: 72,671.92 Donate	Then request so in this topic. I'll check out whatever piece of fanfiction (or stories in general, actually) you have written and tell you extensive information on what I thought was good and what desperately needs touch-ups to work better. Just say that you want something to be looked at, and then post the link to it, whether it be on fanfiction.net, a different web site, or even on this forum (due to the fact that I practically never use more than two sentences when generally commenting, or that I may have skipped over it without actually reading it). Some notes, though: -These are only my own opinions on your work. The fact that everyone else thought something was really great does not influence my thoughts. -Be prepared to take the criticism. By saying that you want me to look at your writings here, you must realize that I will take every single word into account and examine it very carefully, and what may appear as times as harshly. This does not mean you suck as a writer. It just means that should you take some things listed into consideration, you could most likely do moderately better. You can either ignore me or listen, and when you put a request up, I assume you want the latter. -Don't expect immediate results, especially if what you've written is long and in many chapters. [img]tongue.gif[/img] -There are no number ratings. That ain't how it works. Origin of Entria

10-31-2004, 10:36 AM	#2
Chunky Kong12345 BEEP BEEP I'M A JEEP Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: ogmftwbqq Gender: Posts: 16,412 Thanks: 61 Thanked 209 Times in 152 Posts Points: 2,273.12 Bank: 80,535.77 Total Points: 82,808.89 Donate	Call 786-2600.

10-31-2004, 03:08 PM	#3
The Doctor Timelord. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: In my Tardis Gender: Posts: 11,861 Thanks: 388 Thanked 340 Times in 237 Posts Blog Entries: 1 Points: 69,040.16 Bank: 1,122,527.91 Total Points: 1,191,568.06 Donate	I've wanted somebody to review this before I carried it on.

10-31-2004, 05:06 PM	#4
S1x VGF RPG Mod Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Either over there or right here Gender: Posts: 4,750 Thanks: 14 Thanked 174 Times in 55 Posts Blog Entries: 1 Points: 46,238.40 Bank: 26,433.52 Total Points: 72,671.92 Donate	Okay, here goes. The intro leads into the story nicely - good detail on the scenery that relates to the story, making it able to be viewed by people other than the writer. The structure is fine, but watch your commas. I noticed quite a few instances where you used them when you didn't have to. Hey, even I make mistakes sometimes, so no big deal. Just a reminder. Nice explanation about how each situation had to work the way they did. When I looked at other things, there were too many instances where I thought "Wait, why not just ______?" At least you're not letting that happen. The thing unfolds at a decent pace - not too brief and not too overdetailed. The second part doesn't really have any flaws to it. I'd say you might have the quality I do. Although I see you went comma-happy again. Heh. The scene, the way it flowed... exactly on par. The one big problem that almost all fanfiction writers encounter (me included) is describing certain characters. Devoting one or two whole paragraphs to them usually works pretty well. And the dialouge helps to create their personality, which is okay the way you did it. Not the greatest, but still alright. Not much to say on the third part that I haven't already covered, as it seems like a part that connects to the next part, whatever it may be. Origin of Entria

10-31-2004, 07:53 PM	#5
Pieist Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: In a graveyard Gender: Posts: 1,272 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Points: 2,648.01 Bank: 500.00 Total Points: 3,148.01 Donate	...

11-01-2004, 06:40 PM	#6
ADVENTURE BUS I'MA FIRIN MAH ADVENTURE BUS! Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Birmingham, AL Gender: Posts: 13,119 Thanks: 937 Thanked 660 Times in 385 Posts Points: 50,402.47 Bank: 491,117.33 Total Points: 541,519.80 Donate	Could you review my VGF Big Brother, it will be continued, I just can't dig into my brain right now.

11-02-2004, 07:13 PM	#7
X-3 Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Brigade HQ Gender: Posts: 9,006 Thanks: 264 Thanked 275 Times in 204 Posts Blog Entries: 3 Points: 5,432.31 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 5,432.31 Donate	Can you review of how my new Fanfic is going? It's called "The Last Fight". [ November 04, 2004, 04:53 PM: Message edited by: X-3 Zero ]

11-25-2004, 11:55 PM	#9
The Yoshimaster Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Forest of Illusion Gender: Posts: 1,166 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Points: 3,578.00 Bank: 500.00 Total Points: 4,078.00 Donate	Review this short story, plzkthx.

11-26-2004, 02:37 PM	#10
Kahn Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Earth Posts: 497 Thanks: 1 Thanked 10 Times in 3 Posts Points: 6,578.60 Bank: 1,161.70 Total Points: 7,740.30 Donate	Please review this: http://www.vgf.com/cgi-bin/ubb/ubbcg...;f=69;t=000170

11-28-2004, 04:26 PM	#11
Spanky Newbie Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: At your front door. Posts: 5 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Points: 760.00 Bank: 500.00 Total Points: 1,260.00 Donate	http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1762871 Doubt you'll ever get to it, but what the hell.

01-04-2005, 05:32 PM	#13
Kirin Damascus Member Join Date: Sep 2001 Gender: Posts: 1,517 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Points: 1,026.62 Bank: 1,779.63 Total Points: 2,806.25 Donate	If you ever get to it... (the chapters are on the sidebar)

02-08-2005, 10:45 PM	#14
Galefore Gunjinkeeper Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Dry land. Gender: Posts: 5,532 Thanks: 601 Thanked 334 Times in 267 Posts Blog Entries: 2 Points: 3,806.39 Bank: 34,041.06 Total Points: 37,847.45 Donate	Yes,it'd be nice if someone would review mine.

02-10-2005, 09:09 PM	#15
Erdawn Il Deus Senior Member Join Date: May 2003 Location: Threading the jeweled thrones of earth under my sandalled feet Gender: Posts: 2,983 Thanks: 4 Thanked 45 Times in 39 Posts Points: 22,307.93 Bank: 742.97 Total Points: 23,050.90 Donate	http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1844363/1/ Eh, what the hell -- hit me.

07-30-2005, 07:11 PM	#16
S1x VGF RPG Mod Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Either over there or right here Gender: Posts: 4,750 Thanks: 14 Thanked 174 Times in 55 Posts Blog Entries: 1 Points: 46,238.40 Bank: 26,433.52 Total Points: 72,671.92 Donate	self-reminder Hopefully you guys are still alive. Heh. Origin of Entria

07-31-2005, 10:24 PM	#17
The Missing Link Professional Lurker Join Date: Dec 2000 Location: New Hyrule, Washington, US Gender: Posts: 15,575 Thanks: 80 Thanked 183 Times in 110 Posts Points: 6,741.45 Bank: 55,328.64 Total Points: 62,070.09 Donate	I posted a story. I'm alive. (It's everyone else I question.) If you're board and needing something to do, well, I can provide my fic (points to next topic) for you. "There are some who call me... Link?" "Carpe Gaium Domesticum!" (Seize the Cucco!) Zelda: The Grand Adventures \| Triforce MUCK ザ行方不明リンク悪いユウモアの賢人

08-03-2005, 06:20 PM	#18
Kahn Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Earth Posts: 497 Thanks: 1 Thanked 10 Times in 3 Posts Points: 6,578.60 Bank: 1,161.70 Total Points: 7,740.30 Donate	So, art thou actually planning to writeth anything?