Chuck Norris is the President of Fight Club

[The Joker]

All the reasons why Chuck Norris was chosen as Fight Club president !!

Martial Arts

Chuck Norris's moustache is a third degree black belt. Additionally, his left arm recently received first place in the National Kickboxing Championships.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the Devil for unparalleled Martial Arts ability. Not wishing to remain soulless, Chuck Norris proceeded to roundhouse kick the Devil and take his soul back. Satan, who loves irony, found himself unable to hold a grudge and the two of them play poker on the second Wednesday of every month.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF. out of little kids.
Chuck Norris can perform a roundhouse kick with both legs, AT THE SAME TIME.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
Chuck Norris knows the sound of one hand clapping, and it is one hand screaming in fear of his powerful legs.
If stuck on what to do, just ask yourself: "What Would Chuck Norris Do?". And then give up, because you can't kick that hard.
You don't insult Chuck Norris, you're already dead.
It is said you can't know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. This means no one will ever know Chuck Norris because he'd kill you if you touched his shoes.
The only reason tanks go so slowly is they're looking nervously around for Chuck Norris.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris and Tina Fey punched each other simultaneously. The resulting shockwave created a tsunami in Indonesia.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell, "What the I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF. was that!?"
Chuck Norris only kicks you into next week so that he can kick you again. Harder.
Bruce Lee invented nunchucks, but he named them after Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
A common myth is that Chuck Norris is a ninja-pirate. This is bullI will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.. It is well-known that ninja-pirates I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF. their pants in fear when Chuck Norris is mentioned.

Science

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris can invert a singular matrix.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle—you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked himself in the face. That was the first time he was ever seen with a beard.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Aliens do exist, but the reason they never show their faces is because they are way too scared to come I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF. with a planet owned by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the only known being to defy the Time Paradox by going back in time and killing himself. (Note the current Chuck Norris says this does not mean he can be beaten.)
Contrary to popular belief, 'The Big Bang Theory' was neither a cannon, nor some dude with a beard who created the world in six days, it was actually Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking matter out of an infinitely small space into an infinitely massive expansive conundrum in every possible direction.
Mathmaticians have found that due to the excessive amount of women Chuck Norris has slept with, it is guaranteed that he appears in your family tree a minimum of three times.
If you multiply zero by Chuck Norris, you'll get infinity a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris squeezes cannon balls for stress relief. And thats where mercury comes from.
Chuck Norris went back in time and invented the dinosaurs because Chuck Norris hates to see a perfectly good meteor go to waste.
Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
When Chuck Norris kicks you in the face, his foot is moving faster than the speed of light; this means that while it may appear that he has taken .01 seconds to kick you to the outside observer, you were already dead at -3 seconds.
Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
Chuck Norris=MC²
The poisonous compound cyanide has the formula CN, these are also Chuck Norris' initials. Coincidence? I think not.
Chuck Norris can reach absolute zero.
Chuck Norris is one of the world's richest known sources of Vitamin B
Chuck Norris invented gravity to give himself a challenge.

Fun

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into The Hulk. When The Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's bedroom is always brightly lit. No, he doesn't have fear of the dark. The dark fears Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire Saltine cracker factory in under a minute. Without drinking water!
For lunch, Chuck Norris has six frozen pizzas and a vacuum cleaner. You can only imagine what he has for dinner.
Chuck Norris does not go hunting because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris can bite his own elbow.
Chuck Norris has driven across the Atlantic and Indian oceans. The water just got out of the way.
Chuck Norris didn't kill the dinosaurs, but he did beat the I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF. out of several Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter!
Chuck Norris knows exactly where the beef is.
There's no such thing as a free lunch, unless you are Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris knows exactly where Carmen Sandiego is.
When you slow down a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, you notice that he has sex with 27 women, has a smoke with Denis Leary, and does three roundhouse kicks before actually doing the kick. During those three roundhouse kicks the same thing happens. If you wonder why, you DIE!!!
If you fail to capitalise chuck norris, he will kill you so fast you w
In his spare time, Chuck Norris enjoys knitting sweaters. By knitting, I mean kicking. And by sweaters, I mean babies.
Chuck Norris can cook 2 minute noodles in 1 minute!!
Humpty Dumpty never sat on any wall, nor did he ever have a great fall. Chuck Norris just didn't like his face.
McDonalds wouldn't serve Chuck Norris breakfast since it was 10:35AM on a Monday. He got angry and roundhouse kicked the restaurant so hard it turned into a TGIFridays.
Your shoes were made in China. China was made by Chuck Norris.
The Guinness Book of World Records has a disclaimer in the end stating that all the records actually belong to Chuck Norris, and the records listed are just the ones that came closest.
Chuck Norris is not racist. Chuck Norris hates everyone equally.
Chuck Norris once impaled 40 horses to make what he called "an authentic merry-go-round".
Chuck Norris' favorite pizza topping is live elephants.
Chuck Norris can eat a sugared doughnut without licking his lips.
Chuck Norris sells his urine canned. It is marketed under the name "Red Bull."
You can find a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. But when Chuck Norris has taken the gold, you will probably only find corpses.
Chuck Norris is the only known human who can stand on his nose.
In space, nobody can hear you scream. Except Chuck Norris.
"Chu-ck nor'ris" is Klingon for "destroyer of worlds".
Each of Chuck Norris' teeth is from a different person.
Chuck Norris doesn't shave, instead he raises his fist and the hairs know to back the hell up.

Celebrities

Alf was played by Chuck Norris' penis.
Chuck Norris is The Master Chief. He wears the visor because if the Covenant saw him coming, the game would end instantly.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris once stood in for Carlton in Fresh Prince of Bel Air. No one noticed, he's that good an actor.
Waldo is hiding from Chuck Norris. He'd appreciate it if you would stop finding him.
Chuck Norris' favourite actor is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris shot JR then kicked him so hard he thought it was a dream.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse is the only roundhouse offerable to Krishna.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. Sadly, JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris knows some of the best Chuck Norris facts in the world, but he refuses to submit them to Uncyclopedia as he doesn't like any kind of submission.
Chuck Norris does not know about this page. If he did, he would delete the internet.
Mr T pities the fool, Chuck Norris pities Mr T.
Chuck Norris admitted he wasn't as cool as Jimi Hendrix. The next day Jimi Hendrix was dead.
Chuck Norris is what Willis is talking about.

Games

If you spell "Chuck Norris" in Scrabble, you win... forever.
Do you know what beats rock, paper, and scissors? That's right, the roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris has never lost a game of chess. After his opening move, he always announced "Two seconds 'til."
In Monopoly when Chuck Norris goes to jail, if he passes Go he collects 200 dollars. And he is always the car. That's right, bitch. The car.
Chuck Norris caught 400 different Pokemon... on the first day the game was out. On both versions. At the same time.
Chuck Norris can beat Pacman in 20 minutes. And no, he won't let you see the ending.
All of the American Gladiators were failed experiments in cloning stem cells from eggs fertilized by Chuck Norris' sperm.
Chuck Norris won a game of Connect Four with only 3 moves.
Chuck Norris can beat Tetris just by looking at the cartridge.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, a Diglett Pokemon card, and a green 4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF. out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Chuck Norris plays Chinese Checkers using actual Chinese citizens as gamepieces. They're happy to do it.
Chuck Norris can swallow a Rubic's Cube and I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF. it out solved.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
At the end of a single-dice game, Chuck Norris needed a "6" to tie it. He rolled a "7".
The six Chaos Emeralds are really Chuck Norris' six testicles.
Did you know, Chuck Norris was originally selected to be put on Street Fighter 2, but was later removed because all of the buttons caused him to roundhouse kick. Asked about this bug, Chuck Norris later commented, "And...?".
Chuck Norris was one of the original bosses for the Megaman series, but was later removed when the creators discovered that he made the game unbeatable.
All your base are belong to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris won a game of tic-tac-toe in 2 moves.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a Golden Chocobo to go anywhere.
Chuck Norris is so good at Fifa that he completed the entire career mode in 4 hours... using Yeovil.
Lag was invented so that normally people might have a chance of beating Chuck Norris. But still, nobody does.
Chuck Norris can solve any Su Doku by kicking the puzzle so hard that the guy who invented Su Doku calls him and gives him the answer.
Chuck Norris took 6 hours to complete Hitman. It only took him that long because he used the TV remote instead of his controller.



" (In normal voice) I accept that Chuck Norris won that Chess World Championship Final (Getting angrier)after I played for frickin' hours! (In normal voice again) And I have been in no way threatened by Chuck Norris. "


~ Victor Korchnoi on Losing the World Chess Championships

[The Joker]

Sex

One time, Chuck Norris ate an entire birthday cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity 3 seconds before his father.
Chuck Norris was born in the log cabin he built himself.
Others claim that Chuck Norris was concieved in the log cabin he built himself.
Chuck Norris is hung like a baby- 7 lbs. 5 oz.
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women than most men.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by pointing at her and saying "Booyah".
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with. That afternoon.
Chuck Norris is the reason that the Mona Lisa smiles.
Chuck Norris' sperm cells do not swim. They fly.
Chuck Norris doesn't teabag, he potato sacks.
Prostitution is legal in Chuck Norris's bedroom, but nobody ever charges.
Chuck Norris has never lost his virginity. Chuck Norris never loses.
Someone once bet Chuck Norris that he couldn't eat a dozen 72-oz steaks in under an hour. He did it in 57 minutes. He spent the first 45 minutes he was having sex with the waitress.
Each of Chuck Norris' sperms has a tiny black belt.
Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.
Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
When Chuck Norris drops the soap in the prison shower, someone else picks it up for him. He favours Camomile, I'm told.
Chuck Norris eats his children, if they survive they will grow up mighty.
Chuck Norris is circumcised because the skin was needed for a skin graft onto 1000 other penises. There is still 94.5% of the foreskin in cold storage under Texas.
I'm pregnant with Chuck Norris' child. This wouldn't be remarkable but I'm a man.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. Now they are just called The Islands.



Nature

The rising of the tide is in direct correlation with Chuck Norris's heartbeat... so is your Mom's menstrual cycle.
Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.
Not a huge lover of nature, Chuck Norris once killed a cloud (which was shaped like a bunny).
Diamond was believed to be the hardest object on earth, until Chuck Norris had his first erection.
Instead of being born normally, Chuck roundhouse kicked his way out of his mothers womb and bit through the umbilical chord with his teeth.
The first thing Neil Armstrong saw on the moon was a rock, in which was etched, "Chuck Norris was here."
Sharks don't live in the ocean because they have gills. Sharks live in the ocean because Chuck Norris doesn't.
Chuck Norris's fingernails clip themselves, then they help him clip his toenails.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a herd of horses. Their descendents are known today as giraffes.
Who are Chuck Norris' parents? Might, Justice, and Cunning; yes, all three.
Chuck Norris once gave a mammogram to Mother Nature. She loved it too, the dirty cow.
When the Sun burns out Chuck Norris will be the alternative method of energy.
Why is the sky blue? Chuck Norris.
Even that bloke who dug Lake Geneva was impressed when Chuck Norris killed the (now) Dead Sea.
Lemmings jump off of cliffs out of fear of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is invisible to the naked eye but leaks infrared radiation from the border of his event horizon. Chuck Norris decides, however, that he is visible anyway.
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around, rest assured that Chuck Norris heard it... because he caused it to fall.

Education

Chuck Norris graduated from the University of Pennsylvania's School of Badassedness. The school was later demolished because it would be impossible to produce a greater student - apart from the statue of him outside, which was impossible to scratch.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris invented spoons because knives were too easy to kill with.
If you were to put Chuck Norris on every answer on the SAT, you would get a 26000 score.
Chuck Norris holds a degree in thermonuclear physics, and can create fusion in the gas tank of his SUV.
Children light ants on fire for fun. Chuck Norris lights children on fire for fun. Using ants.
Chuck Norris never learns. He already knows.
The number pi used to be 4. But Chuck doesn't like the number 4 so he roundhouse kicked it into a fraction. That is why Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi

Bible

When God said "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said "Say please..."
On the seventh day God Rested. Chuck Norris took over.
On the eigth day, God said "Let there never be Chuck Norris." Later on the eighth day God was admitted to hospital.
Chuck Norris parted the Red Sea and let Moses take the credit. What a guy.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man who gave baby Jesus the gift of the beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the Bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse related injuries.
Chuck Norris was the first human being God created, but when God told Chuck Norris not to eat of the tree, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him, pulled up the whole tree, and left the Garden. God planted a new tree, and created Adam.
Chuck Norris has the only known photographs of a naked Eve. And they're signed.
Chuck Norris is not the second coming of Jesus. Jesus was the first coming of Chuck Norris.
For Chuck Norris, there is always room at the inn.
December 25 is not Jesus's birthday. It's the day Chuck Norris sent him a birthday card and Jesus was too scared to correct him.
When Jesus died on the cross, he didn't go to hell for three days. He went to Chuck Norris for 1 day and spent the other two convalescing.
Jesus walks on water. Chuck Norris walks on Jesus.
Jesus wears a wrist band that says WWCND (what would Chuck Norris do?)
God said to Chuck Norris, "Thou shalt lead thy people to the promised land." But Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked God in the face and did what HE wanted to.
Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.
The Gospel According to Chuck Norris was left out because God would have lost all his power. However now God is not alive and Chuck Norris is.
Chuck norris isn't a gift from God, God is a gift from Chuck Norris.
When Isaac asked for a son, Chuck Norris said that he would have a son. Isaac's wife, Rebeccah, gave birth to a bearded baby. Isaac pawned off the baby and asked God intsead.

Law

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming that "Law & Order" are the copyrighted names of his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris can fight City Hall.
It is illegal to conceal Chuck Norris in 47 states and the District of Columbia. (Texas is not one of those states.)
Chuck Norris expected the Spanish Inquisition, which lead to their eventual defeat.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed.
Hiroshima was never hit by a bomb. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
Chuck Norris does not use American dollars. He has his own currency, the Roundhouse Kick (RK). It only comes in one denomination, and no one asks for change.
Chuck Norris can jaywalk and there's not a I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.ing thing you can do about it.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris will mess with Texas if he damn well pleases.
Osama Bin Laden isn't hiding from the U.S army. He's hiding from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris made the Panama canal in a single roundhouse kick.
Instead of sending money to the IRS, Chuck Norris just sends them a photo of himself, crouched like a tiger and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never paid taxes, ever.
Chuck Norris sank Atlantis.
Big Brother isn't watching you, Chuck Norris is.
Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and the State. Chuck Norris eliminated them.
The one time Bush claimed Iraq has weapons of mass destruction was when Chuck Norris was flying over Iraq on his way to Hong Kong.
In Rome, Romans do as Chuck Norris does.
When Chuck Norris was born, all progress made toward world peace in the preceding fifty years was erased.
Chuck Norris has no seat at the United Nations. He prefers to stand.
There are no Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Medicine

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 seconds.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth; he simply pours Listerine into his vodka twice a day.
Chuck Norris's sweat is powerful enough to burn holes through solid steel, but luckily his skin is too hard for him to perspire.
Chuck Norris once gave his cell phone a brain tumor.
Phobias are afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet (110V, making him safe for use on site).
Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris does.
Chuck Norris has his own brand of sleeping pills. The only ingredients are his fists and your face.
When Chuck Norris went to donate blood, he declined a syringe and instead asked for a bucket and a handgun
Chuck Norris' hair stops growing at Chuck's word.
Chuck Norris can split a razor blade down the center, with his thumb.
Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
Chuck Norris invented heart disease because he wanted to spend more time sleeping with women.
Being near Chuck Norris for extended periods of time has been clinically proven to cause cancer.
When people are constipated, doctors send them to see Chuck Norris - he literally scares the I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF.I will donate to VGF. out of them
Chuck Norris will perform brain surgery on you, before you even know you need it.
Chucknoriphobia: The fear of getting kicked in the face by Chuck Norris. All human's have Chucknoriphobia. There is no cure. And it's always lethal.
Chuck Norris is never ill (but he is sick).
If you wake up in the morning it's because Chuck Norris spared you.

[Bomby von FACEville]

Click to view video.

[Wyborn]

Every time I hear these jokes I think fondly of the Bruce Lee film where Norris gets his monkey ass handed to him.

[Double Genocide]

^BOO Bruce Lee. Hurray Beer...er...Chuck Norris

[Kae]

I still think these are hilarious... But then, I think a lot of things are funny.

[Bomby von FACEville]

Originally Posted by Alex

^BOO Bruce Lee. Hurray Beer...er...Chuck Norris

You did NOT just boo the invincible Bruce Lee. Only cerebral edema can stop him!!