Striving for the Short Straw

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Oh snap a blog post...thingy! For those of you who actually read these things (which I assume is very few if any), whats up?

Anyway, I pulled out these quotes, that come from markedly different places, (mad props for those who can identify all three sans Google) because they do a decent job of conveying a couple of the things I've been thinking about recently. The new year is just around the corner, and like many others I find myself looking back on everything that's happened in the past year, and how I can improve. A recent conversation I had with someone has had me thinking over the past several days about the idea of fairness, so I wanted to get these thoughts down because fairness is something I value very much. To make a (very) long story short, I made certain decisions about a year ago that put said person in an unfortunate position...not because that was what I desired necessarily, but because it was impossible to satisfy all other parties involved and it was the best way to maintain the peace. Fast-forward to the aforementioned conversation, and it turns out this friend of mine still has some resentment towards how the situation turned out, despite the fact that I did my best to handle it well and despite the fact that someone else was lying to him. I felt like I was being unfairly attacked, communicated this, and yet was told that because this person views me at a higher standard of decision-making, it justifies the attack.

At the time, I was obviously pretty annoyed with what was going on. Even though I did everything I could to fix the situation, there was still hostility and unnecessary drama. Things managed to cool themselves over by the end of the discussion, but it got me thinking that he was right in a sense. It was definitely unfair for me to decide the way I did, especially because it affected others. Story aside, whether or not it is fair to have different standards in that respect, the fact of the matter is that I do try to judge myself more harshly than I would others, so that I can do my best to be a better person. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's easy to live life without fear of accountability for your actions/decisions, but it's that fear that helps you figure out who you really are, because it doesn't really matter if you think you behave one way but are unable to do so when you think people might dislike you for it.

To make a detour and/or slight parallel, I'd like to point out that in terms of grades it annoys me greatly when I know that I earn better grades in tougher classes that I have to work at, and sometimes get lower-than-expected grades in other classes because the professor doesn't teach the class well and/or conducts the class in such a way that limits my chances of doing well, regardless of how much effort I put into it. I'm not one to focus too much on the numbers alone, but at the same time I feel that students should be given a fighter's chance of performing well and you know, actually learning stuff. That's what the tuition bills are paid for, among other things.

Then, after feeling a little bit disappointed in myself for not meeting my self-imposed expectations, I realized that regardless of how I feel about those particular courses, unwarranted attacks on my character, or anything else for that matter, deep down I'm the only one who knows what kind of a person I'm capable of being, and attributing any shortcomings or failures to anyone/thing other than myself is, warranted or not, somewhat of a cop-out. Which is to say, I'm responsible at least in part for (mostly) the consequences that I have to deal with. Regardless of how inappropriately someone else acts, that doesn't change the decisions I made or dictate how I can respond to the consequences. Regardless of how crappy a professor runs his/her class, it doesn't change the fact that I didn't go above and beyond to get what I wanted, even if the cards were stacked against me. Essentially, what I'm saying is that even though I personally try my best to act in the interest of fairness as much as I can, that doesn't mean others will operate in the same way...what I need to remember is that regardless of how it might affect me I should continue to act keeping what I value in mind. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying I WANT to be in positions that leave me vulnerable to criticism all the time, but that when they do arise that I don't stray from what I consider important.

The thing is though, we're human, so even though I have an ideal that I strive for, it doesn't mean that I always reach it. One thing that I feel like I could've done a much better job with is maintaining friendships. This year was a bit different in that I wasn't in a dorm, so all of my school friends were all over the place as opposed to concentrated in small areas, which resulted in not seeing some people that I enjoy hanging out with. The reality of the situation is that no matter what I do there will never be enough time for everyone while having my own personal space, but I could certainly try harder, not only with that but being a good friend in general.

I'm nowhere near the person I'm capable of being, but here's to getting that much closer in '09.