The Gamers Guild

[Luigi Fan 950]

So for a long while I've been working and a story about this underground organization that's trying to take over the world (in an alternate dimension btw). The main character is the origination's bodyguard, who is rather crazy.
Here's a snippet of what it should look like:

It was late at night.......

As Maria got back to Star Island (she was flying, yes flying) from doing who-knows-what, she saw smoke admitting from the middle of the small isle.

"That's not normal," said Maria, confused.

She got to her metal house/lab/thing to see Doctor standing outside and the house was burning from the outside. Rinji and Cree were frantically running about with buckets of water trying to douse the fire.

"How the hell is the house on fire?!" yelled Doctor, doing nothing to help "It's not even remotely logical!"

"Hiya Doc," said Maria, ignoring the fire.

"Maria, how many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?" said Doctor, very annoyed.

"Idonno" said Maria. Suddenly, she remembered about the fire. "Sooooo.... who started the fire?"

"Creator, obviously, there no one else here who has such an illogical sence of humor"

"Ahem,"

"Besides you of course," said Doctor, now sounding bored.

"Helloooo? Aren't you gonna help us get rid of the fire or are you gonna have an idle conversation?" yelled Cree getting fed up with Maria and Doctor not helping.

"Nah, you're doing a good job," said Doctor then paused "How are you getting the water here so fast anyway?"

"One would be surprised," said Rinji.

Suddenly, the fire disappeared as of it was a candle. Everyone was standing there, shocked and confused.

"Well that was random and pointless," said Rinji.

"Not to mention anticlimactic," said Doctor.

"So who wants beet root?" said Maria, holding up a bag with red lumps in it, also completely forgetting the fire that was in front of her five seconds ago.

"Will you just lay off the freaking beet root?!" yelled Doctor, now going inside the once on-fire building.


So how did you like it ? It's a little short I know.
I think I'll add character bios soon.

[Valigarmander]

Looking good, shows promise. There are a few things I might change, though, like "It was late at night..." That opening sounds kind of cliched, and there's probably a better way to let the reader know that it was late at night without directly stating it. Also, "metal house/lab/thing" is kind of funny but detracts from the narrative of the story. It would be better to just have it as either a "house" or a "lab", or even "complex" or something besides "house/lab/thing".

Aside from that, it's looking cool, and I'm interested in seeing the rest. Keep us updated. *thumbs up*

[Luigi Fan 950]

Actually the "it was late at night" was only to tell what time of day it was, though I can see that it might sound cliche.

And the house/lab/thing was supposed to be a house that strongly resembled a lab (and technically, it was also a lab) but thanks for the critiques, I'll keep it in mind for the next chapter

[Luigi Fan 950]

hi im lavander angel candy chan but evry 1 calls me giga. this iz my stori.......

i opind up my betiful ocen blu n purpl eyes sa that i wuz in a big forist n i codnt rimembir inyting besids my nam giga. i brushd my long carmil n blueberry har stratind my long mint dress n stretd my long angle wings.

i wokd arond in teh big forist til i sa a yong gril that lookd lyke me ecpt les pretty.

"Hiya~!" she sayz "I'm Maria Chan, the bodyguard of The Gamers Guild! You must be new 'cause I've ain't ever seen you before,"

i new who she wuzabout:blank shes my sis

i hugd hir cring

"omg maria iv ben lookin evry were 4 u!"

"Gah!" she sayz

"im ur lil sis giga" i sayz "i hav sooper strenth n im a sordfiter n im a psyco lyke u" (Note: "psycho" is just a short term for psychokinesis).

"Ummm...Do I know you? And didn't you say earlier that you had amnesia?" she sayz

"yaz but i can rimibir u and my tragic past" i sayz lowirin my hed

"......Well, if you want, you can stay at my house," she sayz kindly

"shur!" i sayz "do u hav iny sexy frends?"

"I have no idea what you just said, but ok come with me" she sayz

i falowd hir thew teh firist (wile signlhandly defeetd sevril montirs) til we got 2 a smal metil hose

"Um...Doctor?" she sayz "I found this one girl who claims she's my "lil sis". Do you know what that means?"

sudinly a hot man w/ a slite tan n glases n a lab cot wokd in fornt of us

"It means that you just found a Mary Sue" he sayz

"wat?" i sayz "my nams lavander angle candy chan n im a 1/2 human 1/2 demon n 1/2 angle"

"Yeah, Maria, we're in big trouble"

So this my first part to another short story of "The Gamers Guild", I actually had a lot of fun writing this. It's not much of a cliffhanger but I just got lazy and decided that I'll finish it later.