A practice sparring match

[Scarred Wings]

It's a little bit into the afternoon, the sun shining and the wind whispering tales into the ears of travelers. Amid the grassy plains stood a young warrior, cloak covering his face and heavy clothes covering him all throughout. At the moment, he just looked like a bad set of laundary just piled up 7 ft high and in dire need of washing. He stretched a little to take in the cool breeze, took a good breath, and was about to continue along when out of nowhere, a hand stops him on the shoulder.
"Hey, I'm kinda bored and you seem pretty tough. What do you say about a sparring match?"
The cloaked stranger tried to push the hand off. "I've given up fighting for several years now, please let me be on my way." But the hand persisted. The cloaked man turned around to meet the gaze of his apparently new friend. "Is it often that you just challenge total strangers?"
The owner of the hand just shrugged, "If you're really strong that's great. I've lived a good life, I'm not afraid to die. If not, well the only person offended will be me, because I'll be disappointed by your weakness."
The cloaked one sighs in defeat and consented to the challenge. When, asked his name, he said it was of unimportance, but Scar would do fine, if needed. He finally shed the god-forsaken cloak, much to the relief of his opponent, and reveals wings that spread out magnificently. The terrible stench of the clothes that needed desperate cleaning remained, although from just sight alone, he looked clean, but oh well.

~*~
Okay, it's been a few years since I've been in this forum. A few people I recognize, and several people new. I'm looking for a practice sparring match, to rekindle the old days. Not particularly one that requires a victor, but just one that would sufficiently measure both of me and my opponent's ability to write good battle scenes (err...I mean fight, lol, though basically that's what "fighting" is in this forum). I'm looking forward to you all! (*edit* I've added my profile in the book of warriors, so check me out)

[Galefore]

I'll fight you. My namesake character, Galefore, is on page 12 of the BoW. He seems the only character I have that would have said the quotation you roleplayed. Here we go:

"Well, about time you accepted. A good fight, finnaly!" said the man that plagued Scar's head with sparring invitation. His name was Galefore, and from the looks of it, he was a large man in heavy armor, with a spear and a sword at his side. He seemed to crackle with a force that was probably electrical energy, charged and ready to go. "Don't expect me to go easy. I've fallen upon some damned tough times recently, and as a warrior, I don't relent. Bring it!"

[Scarred Wings]

Galefore's challenge stirred up something within Scar. A feeling of rejuvinating energy and a rush of adrenaline. It was definitely a familiar and pleasing feeling to him. There was something about Galefore's fighting spirit that brought this rush of excitement to him.
"Shall we begin?" Scar smiled.
He rushed up to Galefore with bo-staff in hand to slam it down on his opponent's face, but Galefore blocked it with ease, electrical energy crackling from his wrists all the while, "Please, can you not do any better?"
"Oh, the best is yet to come, my friend." Scar ensured. Immediately, he pounced backwards and charged again, but this time, Scar disappeared into thin air. Galefore stood, slightly puzzled, but still not letting his guard down. The bo-staff cut the wind sharply from behind, but bounced off abruptly from Galefore as if from a barrier. In this case, an electrical one. As Galefore turned around to meet Scar, another swing rushed behind him, knocking his feet out from under, and just as swiftly, a foot on his chest and a staff to his throat. All this time, of course, neither opponents broke down, maintaining a calm and focused spirit, as two hunters on prey, quiet and swift. Galefore smiled, and Scar knew there was yet much to come.

Ooc:
Due to the time that I work, I might not be able to write much, but will attempt to write to my best ability, so that both of us can enjoy it as much as possible. I am eagerly looking forward to the skills and strategies of Galefore.

[Galefore]

Galefore didn't stay trapped long. He quickly released a short burst of energy, knocking the warrior that had floored him off. Scar easily regained balance, and looked ahead to see Galefore running at a speed expectant from a man in armor. Galefore readied his spear, then charged forward. He missed, but as soon as he made it past his opponent, he abrubtly stopped and jabbed the shaft backwards. The winged adversary stepped back in time to dodge, but Galefore didn't stop. He whirled his spear in air, then swooped it down to slash. The opposite caught it by the shaft, and Galefore pulled himelf close to take a swing with a short sword recently drawn from its place of peace. Smirking triumphatly, Galefore then proceeded to try to shock the winged one, who was busy holding the spear and avoiding the sword. Just as Galefore thought he had him, he dissapeared again, and appeared with another attempt to ground him. Galefore jumped over the staff. This was already interesting.

[Scarred Wings]

Scar immediately grabbed the ankle of airborne Galefore and threw him to the floor, which at the same time Galefore wrapped one arm around Scar's neck on the way down with such force, it pulled both warriors to the dirt. Both were in a brawl, a struggle of raw strength. Scar, on top, threw a heavy punch to Galefore's face. Then Galefore kicked him off the top. Scar recovered nimbly from the hit and landed like a cat.

Both fighters stood for a moment, catching their breath. Both smiled at each other, reveling at each other's strength during the short bout they just experienced.

Scar took his staff, and held it up as the staff lengthened. The once, original staff of 5 ft, now stretched just shy of 18 yards. The end of the pole was close enough that Galefore's breath was now fogging the golden tip of it. Scar raised the pole and swung it horizontally with amazing agility, as if the staff weighed nothing at all. Galefore ducked, and sommersaulted back as the staff jabbed forward almost immediately following the swing. Then a flurry of jabs ensued which Galefore parried and dodged each blow, when Scar transferred the staff to one hand and began charging explosions of energy and hurling it at his opponent with the other. Just as Galefore dodged the pole to the left, he is met with series of energy blasts heading towards his direction from the right.

[Galefore]

Galefore tried to block with a wall of energy, but he was too slow. The searing blasts caught him unawares, and he grunted in pain. He got up, holding his left hand to his scorched right side, then attempted a smile. It looked a bit strange, but it was a sign that Galefore was enjoying his fight.

He held out his palm and charged an attack, then released a clear, crackling beam of wight hot energy. It zoomed towards the winged assailant, and Galefore ran off to the right of it. He blasted another beam, in the wake of the last, then stood in preperation for another possible teleportation attack. As suddenly as the blasts both connected with each other, Scar was gone. Galefore looked everywhere, unaware that his opponent had already began swinging his bo-staff at him once more. Galefore jumped over the martial-arts instrument as soon as he heard the whistle of the wind then used a blast of lightning to levitate away from another potential grappling match. Galefore grinned triumphantly, until he saw more blasts, but managed to shield himself from injury via shield.

OOC: I've finished Galefore's bio, which is still on P.12. Read it if you want to, not like you really have to. Anyway, I'll be gone next week, so please excuse the wait for a post during that time.

[Scarred Wings]

"That dang shield," Scar cursed under his breath. He promptly swept his bo-staff under Galefore's feet from behind, which he jumped over with ease. As Galefore turned around to meet his opponent's gaze, there was no one there save the bo-staff that continued to spin, which was now headed his way as if possessed.

"...the hell?" Galefore gasped as he immediately parried the oncoming attack with his sword. Another swing from the bo-staff. Galefore stretched out his hand and the electrical field reflected the staff, causing it to bounce off abruptly. With the few seconds that he bought, he muttered an ancient language that molded the barrier to wrap around the demon-crazed weapon, preventing any further movement.

Galefore thought aloud, "Now...where has our little heavenly host esca..". His thoughts were cut off by Scar's sword now aimed dangerously at his throat. Scar spoke in a low tone to Galefore, "I have to admit, friend, I am thoroughly impressed, I can only imagine how much further you can amaze me once I push you to your limits!" Galefore chuckled and immediately deflected the sword with his own with incredible reflexes and jumped back.

To his surprise, he bumped right into the angel's chest. The winged being wrapped one arm around Galefore's throat and another from under his arm forcing his sword to go up with it. Scar came in close to Galefore and began whispering a spell in his ear. The words didn't even sound possible through a human tongue. It was a sound that was altogether beautiful and venomous which no music could describe nor story tell. As Galefore struggled, his visioned began to cloud until all he could see was white. He had not passed out for he could still feel his adversary's arms. Rather he had been blinded by pure whiteness. Then, his ears were filled with this horrendous screech, so painful that he was overcome with crazed frenzy to rip his eardrums out. But even through this, Galefore never broke character, though it was clear he was suffering. Scar knew that he was coming closer to facing a monstrous power hidden within Galefore.

Ooc: Sorry for the delay in the post. I hope you enjoyed a great break. I waited to post on purpose purely for the sake of suspense. Wasn't that a great idea? I did read your bio and enjoyed it. It helped me be a little more flexible with your character, but if I ever write anything about him that seems out of character for you, don't hesitate to let me know, as I want this to be enjoyable for both of us. I look forward to what you have in store for this story. Oh and I won't be able to post this Thursday or Friday as I have to go to college orientation (fun).

[Galefore]

Galefore wasn't about let blindness stop his assault. He smirked, then slowly an amazing amount of energy ammased within his soul. This energy began to channel itself through his bones, then to his fingertips, and to his very mustache-tips. He then began to shake, for a moment, and eventually, he released his energy. It pulsed out of his body, spherically perfect, and blasted the angel a good ten yards away. This energy then began to draw back into him, then he turned to where he heard the winged man land. He stared with blank, fogged up eyes within the temporary cataracts plainly were already beginning to shrink. Galefore rubbed his eyes, then took a step forward, drawing back in slight pain when he felt the marks left on his sides by the heavenly creatures vicegrip of a hold. He was no longer all smiles, simply the occasional smirk. He opened his mouth, and started to speak:

"Blindness spell. Wow. Those are all too common among the elementals that can create physical abnormalities within you. I find this one a bit more potent, though. Really hyped up on the steroids for that grip, too, didn't ya? Hate to break it to you, but I've got plenty more up my sleeve. And i've got this uncanny feeling that that was the best you've got!" Galefore said. He of course didn't mean it. He knew that Scar was nothing to play around with and most definately had something powerful ready to release.

Galefore's slightly taunting words began to ring in Scar's head. He was quite sure that Galefore was kidding, but by any persons, or being's, for that matter, nature, he felt urged to hype up the power of his attacks. He watched as Galefore lifted himself up via bolts of energy coming from metal studs in his gauntlets and boots. They were kinetically drawn to the freshly charged negative earth, and Galefore had set his energy to positive. He had kept his ability to manipulate the electric charge of anything and anyone secret, but now he was using it. Streams of energy began to come out of galefore's eyes, and they slowly pulsated through him to every inch of his being. He sheathed his sword and secured his spear to a hole in the back of his breastplate, then changed the polar charge of Scar's body. Scar's hair began to stand up on his head. He backed away, and readied his weapon, then took to the air as well...

OOC: Sorry for posting so hastily. I was bored. This has been good so far, however, and you have done an awesome job of RPing my character.

[Scarred Wings]

Scar had a suspicious feeling all of a sudden, of course he was oblivious to the fact that his opponent had manipulated the charges on him and his surroundings, but he felt that Galefore was soon to pull a card that would leave him trapped in a corner or worse.

Scar readied his sword in front of his body and held two fingers at the base of the blade and slowly moved them to the tip as he whispered a spell. His fingers began to glow and as the tips of the fingers touched the metal of the blade, the blade gained the fingers' blue hue. By the time he had finished his sword was radiating brightly. He smiled as he sliced once through the air and his blade disappeared. Nothing was left but his handle.

Galefore stood a little shocked, but preparing himself for anything to happen. Scar struck once from a distance and a sharp gust of wind shot out from the hilt and narrowly missed Galefore, but struck his face leaving behind a scratch. on his cheek. Scar struck once more, which Galefore blocked, but as soon as he regained balance, Scar had reappeared directly in front of his face. He began a fury of strikes that Galefore blocked with his shield repetitively until Galefore used his electrical barrier to stop it when Scar's sword gained shape once more, but this time of an electrical element. Scar gave one more hard blow that almost went through the barrier, knocking Galefore a bit backward before he also flew back a few yards. "If you haven't figured it out yet, I have enchanted my sword with the spell of the elements, I can choose to change it to any element I want so long as the blade has touched it once, and that last blow charged my weapon up a little thanks to your barrier."

Galefore cursed under his breath as Scar swoop down to the ground before he alighted once more and promptly struck his blade into the ground. The whole earth began to shake and groan when a sudden tree sprung out from beneath Galefore. Galefore flew to the side to dodge it, but thick vines lunged at him from all directions. As he ducked down to dodge the fingers of a tree limb from grabbing him, another set of vines wrapped around his ankles. Promptly, another set of vines caught his wrists and spread his arms apart, forcing his weapon from his hand. The gigantic plant stretched him out into a large X and the vines began to slowly creep up to the center of his body, constricting every inch of blood on the way. A sharp needle pierced his neck from behind and injected a liquid into him. Galefore didn't actually feel this as his body was beginning to numb.

At this point, you would expect a face filled with pain and horror. You would expect fear as never before with such anguish that one might rather prefer immediate death from watching such a horrific sight. But Galefore was smiling. Smiling! He soon began a low chuckle that grew into a furious roar of laughter. This strange behavior caught Scar off guard for a moment and he became more cautious than ever before as he knew that his gutwrenching feeling a few moments prior to this was soon unfolding.

Ooc: Sorry for the delayed post. Got caught up with college stuff. ^_^; And nothing to apologize for posting too soon, as it's only good for me. I mean the sooner you post the better, but it's all good no matter when you post just as long as you post! ^_^

[Galefore]

Galefore's laughter vanished, then he began to speak in an inaudible voice, which soon became louder, and louder, eventually loud enough to be a furious lion's roar. Galefore was saying some sort of gibberish, but this gibberish was an elemental tongue. He spoke it until he began laughing as he tried to speak. A storm flew into the scene from over the horizon, and the setting became dark as night. He spoke one last word: "Ethuhsin."

His laughter and chanting broke with this word, and the sky began to flicker with a light show the likes of which scar had never seen. Swirling bolts of white-hot electricity landed, abrubtly, near his body in bondage, and the drilled lowly into the ground. They burned the roots of the evil tree's foundation, and soon, the tree itself was ablaze with a spectacular flame. The lightning struck everywhere, and it eventually struck Galefore himself. The limbs shattered to an unknown force, and Galefore fell limply to the ground. He attempted to move, but he was too numb. Even the lightning strike, which usually helped Galefore, had done nothing but undo the blindness. He coughed, then tried to get on his knees.

Galefore now had no way of escape. Scar was fast, and now Galefore was immobile. The lightning was still striking, but Galefore was trying to regain control of the thunderous ammunition of heaven. Scar was a bit taken aback by this sight, with all the lightning and thunder, but a master of the two lying helpless on the ground. Scar was ready to end the match. He walked up to Galefore and lifted his blade to stab. Galefore looked up and smiled broadly,with an angry look in his narrow eyes. He shot a bolt of lightning upwards at the vulnerable Scar...

OoC: I can withstand the wait. I'm in four battle, after all. There's always something to keep me busy. Since I'm free, this freetime is spent doing this stuff. So, well, you get it. Anyway, thats my post. Just tell me if I'm making my character too powerful, and I'll tone it down a bit.

[Scarred Wings]

The bolt of electricity spread throughout the angel's body. He stumbled back and fell. He marveled at Galefore's sudden burst of energy. "He looked like he was ready to go down for the count. That last attack was surprisingly powerful." Scar attempted to get back up again only to fall forward in a fetal position. He chuckled, "My God, that was....stronger than I thought!" But he couldn't give up here. He struggled to get up and once he was fully erect, he found his opponent had likewise regained composure.

The storm still continued strong around them. Bolts of lightning persisted dangerously around them at random spots. And then it began to rain. A light drizzle at first, the rain soon roared down on them, pouring heavily in deafening unison as a thousand war drums beating on the ground, and it made it that much more difficult for either warrior to continue standing as it pounded on their backs relentlessly.

Scar readied his sword in a defensive posture, too drained to attempt an aggressive approach. His sword had also returned to its metallic state. Apparently, the ability to alter his sword's element drained the user as much energy as it took to change it. And with Scar's strength depleting as quickly as it was, he could no longer continue to maintain the weapon's form. All he could do now was wait for his opponent to make the first move, and hopefully, he would chance in a lucky shot and walk away alive.

Ooc: As far as I can tell, you haven't been overpowering at all. In fact, I was concerned that I was playing cheap. I was afraid his attacks were too exaggerated and not fair as a consequence. I'm glad that neither of us felt that way, though. Let us continue then!


Oh and you can end the battle this next post if you want. I thoroughly enjoyed this and might want to start a new battle with you, but I have no regrets of losing this time. It was great fun. But if you want to continue, write it in such a way that I know, and I'll also try to revive it the best I can.

[Galefore]

OoC: Over already? Short battle. Would you like me to call in a judge of some sort, maybe Joker or some other capable person?

Galefore prepared for the worst the Angel could do The battle had changed its color and tune from a friendly grappling match and test of wits to a battle of ultimate attacks. Though, it was certainly NOT over. Galefore bent down and picked up his sword. He stared at the Angel, then began laughing. He spoke in an unusually deep voice, at least compared to his other voice. "You seemed surprised that I could come back from an attack like that. I myself am as tired as you seem. After all, blindness, paralysis, giant demon-trees, and alterable elemental swords? You have a damn good arsenal. Aside from that, my Ethusihn attack is quite the cumbersome ability to utilize. I have enjoyed, however, this 'Friendly' sparring match." He smirked, then said, in his normal voice, "It ain't over yet, though, buddy." He said as he took to the air again. Remember that little altering in the opponent's charge? Here it comes into play. Galefore stretched his hand out, then a white hot beam of purified energy sprung at the opponents body. Scar smiled, then began spinning his Bo-Staff, managing to block away the dart of energy.

Galefore came down to the ground and took his sword in both hands. His armor rattled as he walked, clanking and chinging, then he stopped. He swung his sword at Scar, and winged prey parried with his own blade. They had a five minute long swashbuckling-match, then, the both of them stopped. Galefore walked up to Scar and shook his hand. The two gave each other a look in the eye that signified mutual gratitude for a great battle. Then, Galefore turned and walked away. The question was, who was victorious? As Galefore walked, Scar managed to pick up the sight of him losing balance and limping away, still rubbing his neck and side from the bruises he recieved. He seemed to also be cringing from his burns...

OoC: I'll probably call in a judge now. I'll make sure its someone who won't take sides.

[Scarred Wings]

Sounds good. A couple of reasons why I offered a conclusion to this match:

The way I worded my last post made it a little difficult for either warrior to just suddenly get up as if nothing has happened. So because it's a bit hard to work with, I offered a way out (surrender or draw).

Also because the fact that this was supposed to be a practice match, I never intended for this to go on too long. Otherwise, it would disregard the title of the topic as well as my original intentions for it. I do have plans to start a new challenge topic for you and I where we can continue in a more serious long-term battle.

I wanted this topic to mainly serve as a gauge to see if I could still write as well as I could 5-6 years ago, and to also find out for myself if the caliber of the writers here had worsened or improved any since then. There has been a huge plummet in the battlefield population, it truly was saddening, but it relieves me that at least good writers have remained (this was what I conferred from this short bout, though I have enough room to be in error).

Anyway it has been a great warm-up match, and you can count on it that this is not the last. I will not hesitate to pull all the stops our next encounter and I expect for you to do the same.

[The Willful Wanderer]

HIYEEEEE!

Birthday Judgement are GO!

^_^

So, here I am judging this on my brathdie, which should only prove that I like cucumbers.

Yeah, I don't know what the connection is, either. ANYWAYS:

I'll be giving a judgement out of 200 points, in various categories of value from 5 to 25 points each, and commentary on each of your writings in this battle. Hokays?

I knew you'd just lurve it.

Judgement 1: Scarred Wings

Spelling: A few misspellings, but not much trouble here. It's fairly clear that you put out a good effort, and while your spelling of 'somersaulted' is pretty fawnky, it's an understandable mistake. I suggest looking things up with a thesaurus or just going with words you're more certain on how to spell.

4/5

Length: The shortness. Hmm. With the amount of action in each post, some of them should have been longer, but there are no two-sentence posts and no excessively detailed three-hour minutes in there. You seem to be more concerned with content than length (good), but aren't completely disregarding the importance of ensuring your posts are worth actually making (better). Still, some of your paragraphs are a bit tiny, or are actually two or three paragraphs hodgepodged together.

8/10

Writing Suitability: Your style of writing appears to be tuned fairly well for combat. Not perfect, and there's a sense of atmosphere you're somewhat lacking in, but at least you're not using a comic writing style for a serious fight or ultra-heavy detail for quick one-line comedy.

7/10

Reality: Somewhat lacking here. Your choice of actions is somewhat disjointed, and you're missing a realistic base for some of what your character does. Things remain concrete, and you do have good consistency.

10/15

Suspension of Belief: This is a trouble spot. You give no real explanation of how your character is doing what he does. He moves from one point to another in a manner that seems like it might be teleportation, but you give nothing to back it up. Energy comes from nowhere, as if it is being made (and it's horribly nonspecific energy, so there's no way to judge if it's being used in a way that makes sense either).

6/15

Grammar: Another trouble spot. Many of your sentences are cumbersome, you use a lot of incomplete phrases in your sentences, and you have a few spots where you suffer severely from run-on sentences. You tend to slip from past tense to present mid-sentence, and then return to past in the next sentence, which is badly jarring.

10/20

Description: This one shoots you in both feet, then helpfully offers to get your hand too. Your descriptions, when they're there, are very general. You use very few adjectives and very unspecific actions, so it's really hard to tell what's supposed to be happening in the fight. You don't seem to like describing things, which is okay, but you still have to give enough of an idea for your reader (presumably your opponent) to know where all your character's limbs are and which way they're going. There were many points where I thought "well, he could be doing this, or this, or that, or the other thing, or..." This is not a good thing, because it means a break in communication.

7/20

Inventiveness: You're also not particularly original. I might be able to give you more points on this if you had given a more complete idea of your character. Overall, though, you've got an angel who throws miscellaneous (unspecified) energy blasts and bolts. The tree of disability was interesting, though, so it's clear you've got creative spark. I recommend exercising it more, you'd be surprised at what can come out of it.

7/20

Writing Style: Your writing style is decent. You don't have much individuality in it, but it's fairly clear, despite the grammatical and descriptive difficulties. It seems like you're trying to step from amateur to master writing without going through formal writing first. Pay attention in English class- after you've learned how to write with the rules, then you'll have learned better which rules can be bent or ignored and when without damaging the writing itself. You seem to trip over yourself a little on dialogue, and your separation of ideas is very rough.

12/20

Combat Style: Another dip. Your combat seems to lack individualism. Everything is generic- sword swinging, throwing 'energy blasts', the tendency to simply beat on the opponent, rather than try something really interesting. No real use of the combat environment, either. Again, the tree is good, but since it's an individual thing and not a part of some theme, it actually comes out slightly jarring in the midst of this otherwise anonymous combat method.

7/20

Combat Effectiveness: Good. You may be using generic attacks and forms, but you use them pretty well. I'd say you seem a bit timid in the use of more interesting offensives. You should feel alright with being more inventive or different, try taking advantage of your character's flight ability. Again, your character's effectiveness in combat is blunted rather badly by your apparent reluctance to perform complex or non-basic attacks, but then, a hammer is still an effective weapon.

14/20

Character: Weak. He's a winged guy with a sword. No particular color of hair or tone of skin, no particular clothing, no particular kind of sword, no particular kind of wings.... This needs detail and specifics. Also, his personality. He's generically confident and loving a fight..... and that's really it. No habits, no quirks, no particular likes or dislikes. All of these are things that can show to some degree during combat, and none of them really did during the fight. Partly, that's the shortness of the fight, but mostly there doesn't seem to be a lot of character in your character.

7/25

Overall: 99/200

More later.

[Scarred Wings]

Youch, I feel like I was just graded on a research paper. Heh, I guess it is understandable. It is a writing process and I suppose as much should be expected. But still, out of two hundred points I have yet to even shy from fifty percent? That stings. If this was an actual creative writing class I would have flunked and be handed several "dunce" caps in case I lose the first one out of sheer clumsiness. One thing is for certain. This place has cracked down severly on bad writers (of which I am starting to believe I am also part of).

I can handle the critisicm and hopefully I'll be more descriptive in the future. Most of the lack of description that you were hoping to gain from my writings were in part due to the fact that I am working in my cubicle when I post. The time I have to write is not a lot (as you could tell from just glancing at the length of my paragraphs alone). To write a good-top notch quality story on my character as well as my battles would mean to invest in a good period of time that I do not have. And it does not get past me that in order to make a role-playing battle truly enjoyable, time is definitely a necessary element, expected even amongst many regular players. But the last time I did this, I was able to find enjoyment regardless of the amount of time I had, and was hoping that that factor would remain as a staple component in this forum, although my astringent report card on this battle seems to tell me otherwise.

Other than this, I will not try to justify any mistakes grammatical or otherwise that you pointed out here. I will admit most of this was very unkempt, and you pointed out mistakes that even I failed to recognize (I'm glad you thought my "somersault" was cute). Overall, I do agree that this entire thing should have been more thorough and better organized than I have written it to be. And if I find more time to invest into this, I'll guarantee a story that will knock your socks off, but as it stands, only minor adjustments can be made to my writing style to more fit your specifications (namely major flaws that can be corrected without requiring too much more time). And hopefully, I came across to you as one that is respectful, submissive, and listening, not as a whining child that cannot be corrected. I appreciated your comments, and will work further to improve the way I write so that a more general audience could appreciate it, instead of it only being there for my own selfish convenience.

Edit: What does scare me though is the last bit of your post: "More later"...

[Galefore]

^ By "More to come" I assume she means me. I'm looking forward to the criticism, as I need a good chance to see what I'm doing wrong (Aside from the obvious little quirks that even I spotted and picked out, especially in my last post.) Well, hope my report card comes soon, 'cause I'm ready for judgement!

[The Willful Wanderer]

Don't worry so much, you two. The reason I use 200 points is because there are so many things that even the standard 100-point scale (0.0-10.0) isn't enough to express the specifics I wish to. Keep in mind that even at my best, I would only rate myself around 150, Erdawn was pretty consistently around 160-170, and I'd place Wyborn at a good 185. 99/200 is pretty damn good, considering very few people on places like Gaia or even in MMORPGs ever pass about a 70-point rating on my scale. Keep in mind that its a judgement of your creativity and word choice, even of your artistic ability, as well as your technical writing skill.

You do come across many times more coherently and maturely than most people, Scar, especially considering that it was not you that requested judgement on the battle. I will recommend the use of word processors to you, though, to ensure you can have enough time even if it is only in little 5-minute increments. It is incredibly helpful to type out your posts, even if you only have Wordpad, in a processor first- you can spell check if you need it, edit it without gumming up the fight itself, and you can construct your post a little bit at a time if needed. Other than that, don't worry too much. As I said, there's a very big difference between a 70/200 writer and a 99/200 writer in my book- which is why that difference is covered in 29 points instead of 2. Consider this: I judge you to be roughly 145% as good as the greater mass of OMGDBZIKILLUHAHAHA people out there, and well over 4 times as good as the ones we all fear having to deal with.

Keep in mind that I'm judging this on a real-world basis rather than a school-grade basis. In school, you're expected to average 75% right, which is why the 70's is a 'C' area. In the real world, however, if things go right 3/4 of the time, you're doing REALLY WELL. Considering you're at about half, you're really at about average.

At any rate.... MORE!

I now judge: Galefore!

Spelling: You obviously were trying- but I don't think you were trying quite as hard as Scar. 'Definately' is an unfortunately common spelling error, and 'dissapeared' is easy to mung up, but 'finnaly' and 'triumphat' are easy to notice and disruptive. You should probably look at what you just typed a little better when it shows up on your screen.

4/5

Length: Meh. Your posts were slightly shorter than Scars overall, which is alright, but you have a few startlingly small ones (most notably your first post). You didn't describe an entry really worth a full post, and while it is commendable that you were focused more on getting value out of your space, succinctness to that degree can be harmful to the flow of the reading.

6/10

Writing Suitability: See what I put for Scar.

7/10

Reality: Poor. You give few to no specifics of anything that can anchor the fight in a reality, or in a sense of things working. I can't even tell if physical laws are being suspended or not, but that's for other categories. The important thing is that you give no grounding for the character or the character's actions, nevermind your opponent's actions. Many things aren't particularly concrete, either.

8/15

Suspension of Disbelief (Whoops, gotta go back and edit that so it reads right): Poor at best. As bad as it is to leave the reasons for things working unexplained, it is worse to give partial explanations, as you did. For the most part, you did as Scar did, and totally ignored the need to make the fantastic believable, which is okay if you really don't want to go into anything, but the partial explanations (especially the 'changing the charge' thing) are jarring.

4/15

Grammar: Passable. While your writing has fewer run-on sentences than your opponent's, it also has more incomplete sentences- I'm talking in the sense of expressing a full idea, not in the sense of missing parts of the sentence structure. As with Scar, I highly recommend learning the restricted forms before trying to free yourself to do as you will. You also have a number of confusing strings of 'he', where it's not very clear which 'he' you are referring to. I suggest you try and ask yourself with each sentence if the sentence can stand on its own without the rest of the writing and still make sense. Eventually, this sort of thing will be second nature to you, but for now, you need to stay conscious of it.

10/20

Description: Better. You're still shy of adjectives and specifics (especially the masses of 'he's that you're nearly drowning in), but at least you're giving a clearer idea of what things look like than Scar. On the other hand, the actions seem to be a null-detail zone. I can't really envision what your character is doing, because you're not really describing what's happening, just saying that it does. As I pointed out some time ago to another budding writer, "He fell off the roof. Holding his hand over the blood, he got up." really doesn't mean a lot. How did he fall? Was he screaming? Did he get a sense of vertigo? How did he land? Did anything notable happen then? Where was he bleeding from? Why was he bleeding? Or was it someone else's blood? How did he get up with one hand occupied? Did he have an expression on his face at all during this time, or was he just staring blankly? On the other hand, your bolts of electricity crackle, and your character is 'large' instead of just there.

9/20

Inventiveness: Passable. You don't seem to be as afraid to use your imagination, but on the other hand, you're not really creating things- you've just made forcefields electric, not actually done something innovative. Also, the 'white-hot beam of purified energy' made me go: huh? The lack of description hurts the inventiveness, as does your lack of reality and suspension of disbelief. It's good to be trying, but you've got to try to back it up at the same time. Also, mostly you just launched electricity. Electricity does many other sorts of fun things. Consider, for instance, electromagnets, gauss fields, and ball lightning.

8/20

Writing Style: Decent. Again, not very individual, but it seems to be rough, so that's to be expected. It'll become more stylistically yours when you've used it more and gotten used to what you can and can't do while making sense. You trip over dialogue worse than Scar does, but you have a better grip on your prepositions and prepositional phrases. The nonspecificness, however, kicks you in the head.

10/20

Combat Style: Hit him. Hit him more. Hit him again. Harder. Nothing new here, move along, move along. The 'five minute swashbuckling match' at the end was a real wash. There's no point putting it there if you aren't going to make it significant, which it apparently wasn't, or you would have had something come out of it.

6/20

Combat Effectiveness: As with Combat Style, you've really got nothing remarkable here. The healing is a useful trait, but nearly everyone has something like that they can do. Electricity can do many things that ki or lasers can't- you need to take advantage of that, especially when your opponent wields metallic objects. In fact, your combat style had even less individualism than Scar's, and as a result was roughly equally effective. A shame, because having a force shield can be a tremendous advantage- if you actually use it.

12/20

Character: Well.... you've got an edge on Scar for the more remarkable and interesting character ability of electrokinesis. On the other hand, you used it less effectively, and you have a smaller variety of abilities, despite the niftier potential. Your character could be nearly anybody, and he carried a sword and spear for no apparent reason. The spear didn't get used at all, and no serious fighter would carry a weapon around they don't use unless they want to make someone *think* they use it and get an advantage that way (which you didn't). Then again, you *did* use the only foreplanned attack in the entire battle, even if it was just more electrical bolts (and as nearly as I can tell, the preplanning part didn't have any effect on the attack at all). As with Scar, you could use some serious work here. Also as with Scar, he's got no details, and a generically confident and fight-loving personality. Nevermind that it's not interesting, it does nothing to separate him from the huge mass of generically confident fight-lovers.

6/25


Overall: 90/200

Judgement: 99(ScarredWings) vs 90(Galefore)- Scar wins.

Fight Average: 95

Point Spread: +/- 5

Overall, you two wrote and fought on a more or less even keel with each other. Both of you are improved enough to not be in the mass of people who aren't really interested in having a good, fun fight so much as they are in imitating whatever superpowered character and/or beating someone up and/or winning (because we all know that's more important than anything else). There's good potential here, especially since you're both apparently willing to take criticism to the face and then pour it into a foundation on which to build something more. I recommend taking the elements of your characters you like and extending and expanding on them. Give your characters minor traits and habits based on them. Be more inventive with your abilities- don't be afraid to try wierd stuff, it may turn out to be great fun. Specify. Elaborate. Don't just say what happened, try to convey a mental image of it.

Overall, I expect you both can do very well- there's a lot of improvement you can do, but there's plenty of room for it, and you've got good foundations. Paint the house. Put furniture and drapes in it. Tile the bathrooms. Install cable. Decorate it with knicknacks, rugs, and paintings.

Just don't forget to live in it too. Happy Battling!

-Selene

[Galefore]

^ One problem with all of that: I did use the spear, briefly, but it was used. Anyway, thanks, you elaborated on a lot of things I have had trouble with and helped me get to the point to where I could fix it. I have no shame in losing, and I will improve based on your specifications.