Joke Movie Idea!

[The Lava Level Lifeguard]

So! From the wild antics of Beetlejuice to the creeping horror of Night of the Living Dead, from the haunting reverberance of Ghost all the way to the funny-for-all-the-wrong reasons Ghost Dad...

Yup, it's clear, recent filmmakers seem to be wholly enamored with the idea of people popping back up from the dead! Creepy! However, it is my belief that there is clearly a more realistic yet sorely under-utilized avenue available when exploring such themes...

Okay, so, perrr-sonally methinks the realm of cryogenic freezing doesn't get NEARLY as much play-time as it should in modern-day filmmaking! No, it just doesn't! I mean, cryogenics is a fascinating field if you have a liking for human popsicles and folks who're blue and amazingly non-productive (um...by the way, was Lazy Smurf a sly analogy for cryogenically frozen people?)

Anyways, onto my related movie idea! (straight-to-DVD-release, but don't you hold that against it) I like to call it: "Get Those Icicles Out Of Your Drawers, Old Man!"

Starts off with a dapper fellow living-it-up in a mansion with his filthy rich grandpa-pa. Only problem is, grandpa-pa, once a skilled and world reknown mathematician, is now kinda a little of the senile persausion ( And senility and big mansions DON'T mix, trust me, you'd get lost in a SECOND)

So thing is, this fellow (our handsome movie lead) just can't accept the fact that grandpa-pa is riding the old vegetable wagon off into the sunset of senility, so oftentimes he finds himself just-a-following the old man 'round the mansion, and...

Heh heh, well, and crying random math problems out at him like: "Pleeease, come on, 9 times 3, 9 times 3, Oh God you have to know this, Oh God, 9 times 3, oh Grandpa-pa DON'T DO THIS TO ME!" While he's all slobbering and stuff. But at such moments grandpa-pa just mumbles and shuffles off, leaving the poor fellow in tears (and slobber). Quite tragic, actually.

Now, major plot twist! Later on in the month grandpa-pa takes a tumble down a staircase (cue stunt double!). In a poignant Oscar-caliber scene, lying at the bottom of said staircase in the arms of grandson as one REALLY messed up pile o' grandpa-pa, the old man murmurs softly: "Aha, 9 times 3 (cough) 27 stairs (cough) I've still got the knack, m'boy, I've still got the knack..."

(cue emotional violin swell)

And grandson is all like: "NOOOOOO!" (once more, slobbering)

Anyways, long story short, grandpa-pa gets cryogenically popsicled before he kicks the bucket, but after the whole freezing process is said and done, guess what? D'OH! Turns out grandpa-pa forgot to remember grandson in his will!

So! We have grandpa-pa frozen at the cryogenics lab...

And we have this fellow, who is quite a bit like myself, I must say...and he does NOT like it when the money gets funny, so he basically storms up to the cryogenics lab screaming at the top of his lungs: "GET THOSE ICICLES OUT OF YOUR DRAWERS, OLD MAN! GET EM OUT! WRITE ME INTO THIS FREAKIN' WILL, I WANT MY INHERITANCE!"

(See, the plan is, heh heh, he's gonna totally wake old grandpa-pa out of his cryogenic state just so he can correct the will, ignoring in the process all medical drawbacks of said endeavor)

Anyhoo, at our rousing action sequence, this poor fellow storms into the cryogenics chamber with a personal men's care kit, just about ready to get all creatively chisel-ish with the nose tweezers and whatnot and CHISEL him outta there if need be, and he goes in there, and grandpa-pa is like frozen and whatnot, okay, but he's wearing a Chilly Willy T-shirt and a beaverskin hat!

Anyway, one kidnapping ( or popsicle-napping, whichever you want to call it) later and one vacation off to sunny Puerto Rico, and maybe a few hot spa treatments thrown in there and whatnot, and grandpa-pa gets unfrozen!

So grandson says "You're gonna put me in the will now, aren't ya? How much money are you gonna leave me?"

And grandpa-pa, dripping wet, answers: "Well, I'm not sure how much money I have, actually! Why don't you stand at the top of a reeeaally tall staircase, then add it up for me!"

Heh heh, get it?

Okay, so that's it! "Get Those Icicles Out Of Your Drawers, Old Man!" Cheap, cold, and fills your tummy!

( And why do I have a sudden strange craving for fast food?)

[Partha Somebody]

I didn't get it....probably cause I'm blonde
but you should be proud of me! I read that whole long thing

[The Lava Level Lifeguard]

Okay! So, 0 for 1, and who knows who else thinks I'm crazy by now! Yippeeee! Well, I kinda had a feeling after typing the first paragraph that things were gonna get ridiculous, and fast...yup, sure did! (and that's kinda why I kept going, ya know)

And yeah, I'm impressed and whatnot, Partha...you've got nerves of steel enduring my entire post, ever consider being a Marine or a movie screener? Um...my apologies to you (and unnamed others) I just like to ham it up sometimes, I guess (I'm Hamsterdam, afterall)...

And just to be fair, if you ever make a long post somewhere and I happen to come across it, I'll read it...or, if you so prefer, balance it out with a short post with tough words like "appoggiatura" or "efflorescence" or "Mr.Snuffalupagus", you know, stuff like that, and I'll read it and I'll say "Oh snap, she actually used Mr. Snuffalupagus, I can't believe she actually did that, I mean, oh man, that is tricked OUT!"

Should I stop now? Yeah, think I will!

[Vapor]

I know! have the Grandpa-pa suddenly get out a bow and arrow and become a superhero!

[Partha Somebody]

Originally Posted by The Lava Level Lifeguard

Okay! So, 0 for 1, and who knows who else thinks I'm crazy by now! Yippeeee! Well, I kinda had a feeling after typing the first paragraph that things were gonna get ridiculous, and fast...yup, sure did! (and that's kinda why I kept going, ya know)

And yeah, I'm impressed and whatnot, Partha...you've got nerves of steel enduring my entire post, ever consider being a Marine or a movie screener? Um...my apologies to you (and unnamed others) I just like to ham it up sometimes, I guess (I'm Hamsterdam, afterall)...

And just to be fair, if you ever make a long post somewhere and I happen to come across it, I'll read it...or, if you so prefer, balance it out with a short post with tough words like "appoggiatura" or "efflorescence" or "Mr.Snuffalupagus", you know, stuff like that, and I'll read it and I'll say "Oh snap, she actually used Mr. Snuffalupagus, I can't believe she actually did that, I mean, oh man, that is tricked OUT!"

Should I stop now? Yeah, think I will!

You know I must say I enjoy the way you "chit chat"...I dunno its kinda fun to read what you say because its almost like a cartoon character talking. I probably sound really weird but I act so I guess I pay attention to all of that Snuffalupagus kind of stuff

[Koga]

Those movies you mentioned are not exactly recent.

[The Lava Level Lifeguard]

( WARNING, I post long because when I get going I'm a ball of energy!)

Hmm Koga? I mean, if you wanna go on a more recent horror movie arc, you must admit there's been kabillions of 'em lately, many involving people popping back from the dead! Yup, Hollywood's horror frenzy has gotten so generic its spun m'head out and made me lose track (this windfall of horror movies may be one of the contributors to recent slumps in box-office sales, I believe...I mean, after awhile, people have to just get SICK of being freaked out)

And Partha, I am amused! I suppose toonishness and people work fine in my case, but do cartoons and people and movies ALWAYS mix favorably? Do they really? Let's explore this matter briefly, shall we?

Okay, so, hypothetical! Let's say you're whatcha might call "an absorbant sleeper" and whatnot, and if there's ever somethin' or other on TV nearby while you're asleep...well, yeah, you can pretty much guess that you might dream about the movie, huh?

Anyways, someone you're staying with is a complete idiot I suppose, so they have you watch The Lion King as a sleepy-sleepy time movie (and nuh-uh, I am not the "you" in this, and nuh-uh, I am not a child as the term "sleepy-sleepy time movie" tends to suggest, I'm just a lil' late night fussy, is all)...but, after you fall asleep...

Long story short, Simba the lion is kinda smooth talking you about borrowing your Dad's sportscar for a joy ride to flippin' 80's era CHICAGO, then guess what, you wakey wakey a minute later and this crazy so-and-so has gone and cranked up Ferris flippin' Bueller on DVD really loudly when they SPECIFICALLY KNEW you're an ABSORBANT SLEEPER and had dozed off nearby with your mind on Matthew Broderick as Simba!

I mean, what couldja say to this person?

"......"

So! Whether this little no-no was intentional or not, you, naturally being yourself, ponder your extravagant revenge! Haha! I'm thinking, yeah, okay, that's pretty bad, and you wanna avenge the honor of the sanctity of your knighthood and your household and your forefathers and whatnot, so what you do, naturally, is, hee hee, you have them watch Monsters Inc. as they doze off and then blast Throw Momma From The Train fairly loud, so they'll hear Billy Crystal while half awake but wonder just where the heck the fussy old momma fits into Monsters Inc!

Or maybe Pocahontas and then Lethal Weapon (Mel Gibson)? Or maybe Valiant and then Trainspotting (Ewan McGregor, I mean, it'd be kinda flipped out hearing a courier bird narrate about withdrawal symptoms)?

And as you can probably tell, this hypothetical person would NOT be happy, imagine you're asleep and the one minute Simba's prancing in the fields of your thoughts to "can you feel the love tonight" and the next Simba's suggesting that you "lick your palms" in the morning to get out of a flippin' schoolday!

And once again, no! This hypothetical "you" is not me!

( Okay, I've just reread that...maybe you've got a point there Partha...humans and cartoon characters do mix, but usually when it's FUNNY, and especially when it involves driving "absorbant sleepers" NUTS!

[Koga]

The only horror movies that came out lately were remakes, often of Japanese horror movies.

[Partha Somebody]

^^ You are going to need to start PM me a crazy rant of yours every day. you really do entertain me for some odd reason.

[The Lava Level Lifeguard]

Hi again, everybody! Well then, I've been off for awhile, distracting adventures popping up all over and whatnot...but! I had a flash of lightning the other day, and decided to continue this thread with more joke movie ideas! (that's how these things happen)

(Okay warning this is kinda long, but okay, I warned ya, didn't I?)

Anyways, onto my movie idea No#2! I like to call it..."Haunted House Arrest!" (Now, the following story takes certain liberties with the metaphysical properties of ghosts and the female form, but hey, it's all for the sake of fun and ridiculousness, huh?)

Now! The story involves a one wealthy socialite named Madame Meela, a widow who is suspected of murdering as well as castrating her three previous husbands (yeah, me knows, ouch). Now the authorities wanna prosecute her but in the meantime they nail her on some vague "obstruction of justice" charges and place her under house arrest at one of her mansions!

Now, while serving under house arrest, Madame Meela kinda begins to suspect that the mansion is in fact haunted by her three ex-hubbies! I mean, yeah, house arrest and the house is haunted, ha ha, talk about the cruel irony of a situation!

So she calls her lawyer, seeking counsel, and he says: "Hmm maybe there's a legal loophole we can exploit here...if you can prove that the ghosts are male, we can get ya outta house arrest, I mean, universal laws strictly prohibit the intergender sharing of incarceration space!"

And Madame Meela says: "I can prove they are male! Call the chief police inspector and get him out here!"

So the inspector learns about the whole, um, heh, "haunted house arrest" deal and heads out to Madame Meela's mansion to investigate said matter, bringing with him three mysterious items- an hourglass and two transparent vases, to aid in his investigations.

Anyway, Madame Meela and the inspector gather in a large dark sitting room, and we commence the seance to prove the ghosts are male!

(cue dimming of lights, and they like sit at the table and proceed to summon the ghosts with nonsensical pig latinish gibberish and whatnot)

So! The first ghost enters the room...swirls around...and, wham-o! The inspector catches it smack-dab in the transparent vase! Now this ghost, while clearly of a male persuasion, takes on the shape of said vase, so it's like really skinny at the top but fat on the bottom!

So the inspector is like: "Ooooh, looka-that butt, will ya? That's a lady-ghost trapped in there! Badonkadonk! Badonkadonk!"

And Madame Meela says: "Good heavens, no, that is clearly a MAN trapped within, and sir, you are simply being misled by the shape of your fine vase, as he is clearly BALD and has a MUSTACHE!"

And the inspector looks at the malformed ghost in the vase and like totally ignores her and keeps with his chanting: "Badonkadonk! Badonkadonk!"

So a second ghost enters the room, swirls around, and the inspector removes the top of the hourglass and wham-o! catches the ghost inside the hourglass! Now the ghost, while clearly a man, takes on the shape of the hourglass and it's like really thin in the middle but fat on the top and bottom!

So the inspector is like: "Mmmhmm, ya see, this here's clearly 100 percent HOT MAMA! I mean, take a looka-that hot hourglass body! Baby got BACK!"

And Madame Meela offers the rebuttal: "Oh no, kind sir, you are sadly mistaken, and you are clearly being misled by the shape of the hourglass, as that is clearly a man-ghost trapped within, a BEARDED man, and my ex-hubby at that!"

And the inspector holds up the hourglass and just-a-smiles and shakes his head and ignores her and is like: "Woo-hoo! Hot Mama inside! Junk in her TRUNK! Pop-de-pop-de-pop that THANG!"

And Madame Meela just sighs (she totally wants to smack him at this point) and says: "Very well, I have had quite enough of these shenanigans!" So she daintily removes her white silk glove and, as the third ghost enters the room and swirls around the table, she like- swoosh!- catches the ghost in the glove! (with its head poking out of the open end and stuff)

So Madame Meela holds up the white silk glove with the ghost all snuggy-wuggy inside and exclaims: "Ah-ha, now, you see! This one is definitely a MALE!"

But the inspector is like totally one step ahead of THAT crap so he says: "Oh yeah, um, well, we'll just see about that, huh?" So he whips out a pair-o- scissors and zeroes in on the glove's thumby wumby, and-

Yup, you guessed it! Snippy whippy!

And at this point Madame Meela stomps her foot down heartily and says: "My word, now you wait just a SECOND, young lad! That's MY specialty!"

Ha ha, get it?

Okay, so that's it! "Haunted House Arrest!"

Hope ya enjoyed!

[The Lava Level Lifeguard]

I'm back! And well, good things come in threes, so-

Joke Movie Idea#3!

"The Puppet and the Pole Dancer!"

Okay, ready? Starts off with Pinocchio, like, totally FRONTING his way through the door of an exclusive over-21 club with a fake I.D-

(author's note: Hmm? What? Nuh-uh, I'm not crazy, okay, so ummm anyway let's continue-)

So the doorman is like: "No way you're getting into this club, Pinocchio. You're a kid!"

And Pinocchio says: "Well, check out my goofy smile and my rosy cheeks, huh? I'm a nonviolent toy and since WHEN have toys been, like, nonviolent and whatnot, that must qualify ME as at least, whadda-ya-reckon, 50 years old?"

So the doorman is like: "Okay, point taken, you get in the club!"

(But technically, since Pinocchio is a boy and his I.D is fake, his nose grows slightly as he steps into the club)

So Pinocchio is in the club just-a-club club clubbin' it up and he bumps into some random hottie named Gina Gingerbella at the bar who says she's an exotic pole dancer (sa-weet!) So Pinocchio says: "You dance, huh? Wanna hit the dance floor? I'll breakdance for ya!"

And Gingerbella says: "Gee, I never thought breakdancing and wood mixed...you know...friction..."

And Pinocchio says: "Oh, hush up! Let's boogie!"

Alrighty then, cue music, and Pinocchio drags her out to the dance floor, ignoring in the process all stares as he is not exactly dressed for partying, styled as he is in his forest-green suspenders, heavy clod-hopper shoes and three-cornered hat. Mmmhmm.

So, then! Upon reaching the very center of the dance floor Pinocchio exclaims: "Woo, baby! I'm-a gonna breakdance!" So Pinocchio proceeds to lie on his back, and...NOTHING HAPPENS! I mean, there is absolutely NO SMALL SHRED of boogaloo action whatsoever!

So, of course, naturally, everyone nearby is ridiculing him and stuff, crying out: "YOU SUCK, PINOCCHIO!" and "YOU DANCE LIKE A DEAD GUY!" and "CLOD-HOP ON HOME TO PAPA GEPPETTO'S BROOM CLOSET, WHY DON'TCHA?"

(And so, after one SERIOUSLY botched breakdancing attempt, Pinocchio sulks outta the club, seemingly humiliated, and the night ends in this dreadful fashion. Quite tragic, actually.)

Now! Every weekend Pinocchio comes back to the club and just-a-lies his way through the door with his fake I.D, causing his nose to grow a liiiittle bit longer...and yeah, every night he meets Gina, invites her to the dance floor, cries out: "I'm-a gonna breakdance!" and EVERY NIGHT he just lies there in the middle of the dancefloor on his back, attracting large amounts of ridicule and looking...um, yeah, like a dead guy.

But! After fifty consecutive weeks of this nonsense there is a startling turn of events! Oh yes, there is! See, by THIS time, Pinocchio has lied his way into the club so often that his nose is roughly twenty feet long, and...

When he arrives at the center of the dancefloor and lies on his back to breakdance, his veeeery long nose wedges PERFECTLY underneath the spinning disco ball above him, causing him to, um, spin underneath on the floor, and, much to the amazement of everyone-

=====(nose!)====>O (spinning discoball!)

"LOOK-A-ME! I'M-A-BREAKDANCING! WHEEEEE!"

Hee hee, so, at the end of the song the discoball underwhich Pinocchio's nose is wedged stops spinning, and so Pinocchio stops spinning as well. Yeah. So he looks up at Gingerbella and says: "See, I can breakdance! Bet ya like me now, don't ya!"

And Gingerbella replies: "Seriously! I'm an exotic pole dancer, and I'm supposed to be attracted to a puppet lying on his back with his nose sticking twenty feet up in the air!"

And Pinocchio just-a-smiles up at her and says: "But that's just my point! Will ya take me to work with ya?"

"....."

Get it?

Okay, so that's it! "The Puppet and the Pole Dancer!"

[Irkenwarrior12]

my eyes hurt.

[OcarinaMan]

Ed Wood liveth!