Favorite Stand-Up Comedy Routines

[Greenpee]

I wish the full routine was on here, this piece will have to do, one of my favorites by Dave Chapelle: http://www.napster.com/player/tracks/16038995

[kenryoku1]

Mitch Hedburg R.I.P.

" I like the FedEx driver because he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it. And he's always on time. I like my drugs to have a tracking number. Then when my friend says, "Mitch, where's the drugs?" I just say, "Call the 1-800 number." Your drugs were loaded onto a van at 7:30 AM and will arrive on time. Perfect, that's what I paid for."

"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out-of-order" sign. Just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're freaking relentless. "

[The Willful Wanderer]

The best of all, in my eyes, is Victor Borge (especially his watch routine), though George Carlin, Bill Cosby, Robin Williams, and James Black are good.

There's also Jason Tosh....

Here's something I wonder. What do people taste like? I mean, cannibalism happens, so obviously people must taste like something, right? Mexican people- are they spicy? No, don't hiss, I'm gonna get everyone. Chinese people.... are you hungry again thirty minutes later? And black people?

....taste like chicken. Come on.... And white people, white people?

Okay, you don't eat white people.

Haha! I got ya. It's great. Nothing is quite as funny as making a theatre full of white people uncomfortable. You're all sitting there, looking around nervously, "We laughed at the other ones, because we thought you were going to do us too... now we're toast. Man, what's wrong with you?"

And then, what if I die, and it turns out God is black? I'll walk up to the gates, and he'll say, "Hell no, you ain' gettin' in here talkin' 'bout black people taste like chicken! *****, white folk taste like *macaroni an' cheese*!