Tasteless Jokes (WARNING: Parental Advisory) - Page 5 - VGF

LinkManDX... FACE · 04-04-2008, 04:58 PM

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

LuWEEGEEman · 04-07-2008, 04:30 PM

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.

GRENTLEMEN · 04-10-2008, 02:25 PM

*What's the difference between a bag of dead babies and a cadillac?

I don't have a cadillac in my garage.

I found Jesus, he was behind the couch all along!

Jesus is coming, and he's not even wearing a condom!

*Joke was attempted earlier, but delivered wrong.

LuWEEGEEman · 04-10-2008, 07:37 PM

Kae · 04-11-2008, 12:54 AM

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Kalinka · 04-11-2008, 03:52 PM

I'm suprised we haven't pulled out any political jokes.

You know what I'm talking about.

**Dr. Horrible** · 04-11-2008, 03:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kae

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Salty peanuts are far from tasteless.

LuWEEGEEman · 04-12-2008, 09:04 AM

A boy told his mom, "I couldn't sleep last night so I went into your room. Why were you jumping up and down on daddy?"

His mom said, "Well dear, I was pushing the air out of him."

The boy replied, "Oh then you're wasting your time. The lady next door blows him back up every day."
---------------------------------

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Kil'jaeden · 04-15-2008, 04:51 PM

Two people are talking about the president. A third overhears them and says "**** Bush." One of the other two says, "Hey, we were thinking about what we should put on Youtube yesterday, and that's a great idea!"

LuWEEGEEman · 04-26-2008, 02:32 PM

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"

Irby · 05-02-2008, 10:43 PM

Why did Israel go backrupt?

Because Germany sent them their gas bill. ha ha ha

Vapor · 05-08-2008, 06:40 PM

Dr. Doom has kidnapped Sue Storm as a hostage. He's trying to tell her something on the way to his secret base, but she's not paying attention. "HEY, LOOK AT MY FACE!" he yells at her. She sarcastically says "I can't! It's made of steel." He replies "That's not my only body part that's hard as steel, baby."

LuWEEGEEman · 05-10-2008, 08:48 PM

What's that wrinkly thing on Grandma?

Grandpa.

Irby · 05-10-2008, 09:48 PM

Little Johnny and his parents went to the zoo one day. Little Johnny see's two animals ****ing each other. "Mommy what are they doing?" he asks.
"Oh they are baking a cake." the mom says. Later on Johnny see's two more animals ****ing each other. "Daddy what are they doing?" he asks.
"Oh they're baking a cake." the dad says.

The next morning Johnny see's his parents. "Mommy, Daddy I saw you two baking a cake last night so I licked the icing off the bedsheets!"

Next:

A little girl is brushing her teeth and see's her dad get out of the shower. "Daddy whats that!" She asks.
"Oh thats Fred."
"Can I pet Fred?"
"No."
Later the father is in the hospital. "What happened?" he asks his daughter.
"Last night I was playing with Fred and he squirted some white stuff at me and I bit his head off!"

LuWEEGEEman · 05-25-2008, 04:17 PM

Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time?

He didn't know if he was coming or going.

**Dr. Horrible** · 05-26-2008, 04:39 PM

Paul loves his fiancee so he decides to show her how much he loves her he would get her name tattooed on him. He wanted to make it special so he told the tattoo artist to put it on a spot that only she would see. So he got he name "Wendy" tattooed on his penis. The thing was he got the tattoo when he was erect, so when he wasn't all that could be seen was "Wy". After the wedding they went to Jamacia for their honeymoon. When he got off the plane he had to pee real bad and ran to the washroom. While he was standing at the urinals one of the local men from town stood at the urinal next to him. Paul happened to glance over and see a "Wy" on the man's penis, then looked up and saw that the man had caught him looking. Trying to lighten the situation Paul says to the man " Is your girlfriend named Wendy too?" The man says " Whatcha talking bout mon?" Paul replies, "well I accidently glanced over and saw the Wy so i thought your tattoo was the same as mine". The man looks Paul in the eyes and says "No mon, that's stands for "Welcome to Jamacia, Have a nice Day"

MC Mushi Mo · 05-29-2008, 11:27 PM

Four nuns die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates, they see St. Peter and a large bowl of holy water. He says "Sisters, you may all enter the kingdom of Heaven on one condition: You must confess to me your sins." The nuns form a line, and the first nun says "St, I once beheld a penis." St. pete nods "Wash your eyes with holy water from this bowl, and you may enter." she does so, then next nun speaks "St, I once held a penis." He nods again "Wash your hands with the holy water from the bowl and you may enter." She does so. The last nun then cuts in front of the third nun. St. Peter looks suprised. "Sister, why did you cut in front of your fellow nun? You would have gotten into heaven either way." The nun says "Oh St, I just wanted to gargle the Holy water before she sat in it."

Josh123 · 06-01-2008, 10:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Irby

Little Johnny and his parents went to the zoo one day. Little Johnny see's two animals ****ing each other. "Mommy what are they doing?" he asks.
"Oh they are baking a cake." the mom says. Later on Johnny see's two more animals ****ing each other. "Daddy what are they doing?" he asks.
"Oh they're baking a cake." the dad says.

The next morning Johnny see's his parents. "Mommy, Daddy I saw you two baking a cake last night so I licked the icing off the bedsheets!"

Next:

A little girl is brushing her teeth and see's her dad get out of the shower. "Daddy whats that!" She asks.
"Oh thats Fred."
"Can I pet Fred?"
"No."
Later the father is in the hospital. "What happened?" he asks his daughter.
"Last night I was playing with Fred and he squirted some white stuff at me and I bit his head off!"

LMAO, best dirty jokes ever xD.

The Doctor · 06-01-2008, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kalinka

I'm suprised we haven't pulled out any political jokes.

The only political jokes are Gordon Brown, and George W Bush.

Do I win?

LinkManDX... FACE · 06-01-2008, 11:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Doctor

The only political jokes are Gordon Brown, and George W Bush.

Do I win?

You forgot Dan Quayle.

04-12-2008, 09:04 AM	#88
LuWEEGEEman He's coming for you... Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: insert something clever and witty here Gender: Posts: 3,387 Thanks: 56 Thanked 118 Times in 93 Posts Blog Entries: 3 Points: 5,836.62 Bank: 3,674.94 Total Points: 9,511.56 Donate	A boy told his mom, "I couldn't sleep last night so I went into your room. Why were you jumping up and down on daddy?" His mom said, "Well dear, I was pushing the air out of him." The boy replied, "Oh then you're wasting your time. The lady next door blows him back up every day." --------------------------------- A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!" Last edited by The Member Formerly Known As Luigiman; 04-13-2008 at 07:28 PM.

05-08-2008, 06:40 PM	#92
Vapor Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Far beyond the twisted reach, of craaazy sorroow. Gender: Posts: 2,944 Thanks: 77 Thanked 62 Times in 54 Posts Points: 5,015.23 Bank: 25,879.28 Total Points: 30,894.51 Donate	I came up with this in about 4 seconds, so yeah. Dr. Doom has kidnapped Sue Storm as a hostage. He's trying to tell her something on the way to his secret base, but she's not paying attention. "HEY, LOOK AT MY FACE!" he yells at her. She sarcastically says "I can't! It's made of steel." He replies "That's not my only body part that's hard as steel, baby."

05-29-2008, 11:27 PM	#97
MC Mushi Mo This Isn't Real. Really, It's not. Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: That one place. Gender: Posts: 6,598 Thanks: 108 Thanked 308 Times in 245 Posts Points: 8,456.80 Bank: 44,991.66 Total Points: 53,448.46 Donate	Four nuns die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates, they see St. Peter and a large bowl of holy water. He says "Sisters, you may all enter the kingdom of Heaven on one condition: You must confess to me your sins." The nuns form a line, and the first nun says "St, I once beheld a penis." St. pete nods "Wash your eyes with holy water from this bowl, and you may enter." she does so, then next nun speaks "St, I once held a penis." He nods again "Wash your hands with the holy water from the bowl and you may enter." She does so. The last nun then cuts in front of the third nun. St. Peter looks suprised. "Sister, why did you cut in front of your fellow nun? You would have gotten into heaven either way." The nun says "Oh St, I just wanted to gargle the Holy water before she sat in it." __________________ RUN, SERAS, RUN!!

04-04-2008, 04:58 PM	#81
LinkManDX... FACE Senior Member Join Date: May 2002 Location: Some call it slums, some call it nice! Gender: Posts: 3,251 Thanks: 244 Thanked 190 Times in 112 Posts Points: 20,245.55 Bank: 4,343.65 Total Points: 24,589.20 Donate	Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

04-07-2008, 04:30 PM	#82
LuWEEGEEman He's coming for you... Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: insert something clever and witty here Gender: Posts: 3,387 Thanks: 56 Thanked 118 Times in 93 Posts Blog Entries: 3 Points: 5,836.62 Bank: 3,674.94 Total Points: 9,511.56 Donate	Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

04-10-2008, 02:25 PM	#83
GRENTLEMEN Retro Nintendo Supermod Art & Literature Mod Metroid Mod Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: I rub my tilde all over your asterisk Gender: Posts: 15,911 Thanks: 472 Thanked 1,179 Times in 634 Posts Points: 7,799.38 Bank: 1,866,967.49 Total Points: 1,874,766.86 Donate	What's the difference between a bag of dead babies and a cadillac? I don't have a cadillac in my garage. I found Jesus, he was behind the couch all along! Jesus is coming, and he's not even wearing a condom! Joke was attempted earlier, but delivered wrong.

04-10-2008, 07:37 PM	#84
LuWEEGEEman He's coming for you... Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: insert something clever and witty here Gender: Posts: 3,387 Thanks: 56 Thanked 118 Times in 93 Posts Blog Entries: 3 Points: 5,836.62 Bank: 3,674.94 Total Points: 9,511.56 Donate

04-11-2008, 12:54 AM	#85
Kae Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2000 Gender: Posts: 3,700 Thanks: 42 Thanked 69 Times in 57 Posts Points: 9,406.67 Bank: 2,847.38 Total Points: 12,254.05 Donate	Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

04-11-2008, 03:52 PM	#86
Kalinka Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Europa Gender: Posts: 90 Thanks: 4 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts Points: 165.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 165.00 Donate	I'm suprised we haven't pulled out any political jokes. You know what I'm talking about.

04-15-2008, 04:51 PM	#89
Kil'jaeden Member Join Date: May 2003 Location: in your mind Gender: Posts: 1,418 Thanks: 18 Thanked 37 Times in 28 Posts Points: 9,000.65 Bank: 820.30 Total Points: 9,820.95 Donate	Two people are talking about the president. A third overhears them and says "**** Bush." One of the other two says, "Hey, we were thinking about what we should put on Youtube yesterday, and that's a great idea!"

04-26-2008, 02:32 PM	#90
LuWEEGEEman He's coming for you... Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: insert something clever and witty here Gender: Posts: 3,387 Thanks: 56 Thanked 118 Times in 93 Posts Blog Entries: 3 Points: 5,836.62 Bank: 3,674.94 Total Points: 9,511.56 Donate	An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"

05-02-2008, 10:43 PM	#91
Irby Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Canada, Eh. Gender: Posts: 6,448 Thanks: 306 Thanked 93 Times in 78 Posts Blog Entries: 5 Points: 37,683.60 Bank: 13,655.09 Total Points: 51,338.69 Donate	Why did Israel go backrupt? Because Germany sent them their gas bill. ha ha ha

05-10-2008, 08:48 PM	#93
LuWEEGEEman He's coming for you... Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: insert something clever and witty here Gender: Posts: 3,387 Thanks: 56 Thanked 118 Times in 93 Posts Blog Entries: 3 Points: 5,836.62 Bank: 3,674.94 Total Points: 9,511.56 Donate	What's that wrinkly thing on Grandma? Grandpa.

05-10-2008, 09:48 PM	#94
Irby Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Canada, Eh. Gender: Posts: 6,448 Thanks: 306 Thanked 93 Times in 78 Posts Blog Entries: 5 Points: 37,683.60 Bank: 13,655.09 Total Points: 51,338.69 Donate	Little Johnny and his parents went to the zoo one day. Little Johnny see's two animals **ing each other. "Mommy what are they doing?" he asks. "Oh they are baking a cake." the mom says. Later on Johnny see's two more animals **ing each other. "Daddy what are they doing?" he asks. "Oh they're baking a cake." the dad says. The next morning Johnny see's his parents. "Mommy, Daddy I saw you two baking a cake last night so I licked the icing off the bedsheets!" Next: A little girl is brushing her teeth and see's her dad get out of the shower. "Daddy whats that!" She asks. "Oh thats Fred." "Can I pet Fred?" "No." Later the father is in the hospital. "What happened?" he asks his daughter. "Last night I was playing with Fred and he squirted some white stuff at me and I bit his head off!"

05-25-2008, 04:17 PM	#95
LuWEEGEEman He's coming for you... Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: insert something clever and witty here Gender: Posts: 3,387 Thanks: 56 Thanked 118 Times in 93 Posts Blog Entries: 3 Points: 5,836.62 Bank: 3,674.94 Total Points: 9,511.56 Donate	Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time? He didn't know if he was coming or going.

05-26-2008, 04:39 PM	#96
Dr. Horrible PP&R Mod Current Events Mod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: More important than where is when.... Gender: Posts: 6,342 Thanks: 105 Thanked 295 Times in 178 Posts Points: 2,595.97 Bank: 1,903,253.12 Total Points: 1,905,849.09 Donate	Paul loves his fiancee so he decides to show her how much he loves her he would get her name tattooed on him. He wanted to make it special so he told the tattoo artist to put it on a spot that only she would see. So he got he name "Wendy" tattooed on his penis. The thing was he got the tattoo when he was erect, so when he wasn't all that could be seen was "Wy". After the wedding they went to Jamacia for their honeymoon. When he got off the plane he had to pee real bad and ran to the washroom. While he was standing at the urinals one of the local men from town stood at the urinal next to him. Paul happened to glance over and see a "Wy" on the man's penis, then looked up and saw that the man had caught him looking. Trying to lighten the situation Paul says to the man " Is your girlfriend named Wendy too?" The man says " Whatcha talking bout mon?" Paul replies, "well I accidently glanced over and saw the Wy so i thought your tattoo was the same as mine". The man looks Paul in the eyes and says "No mon, that's stands for "Welcome to Jamacia, Have a nice Day"