Nerd Jokes

[Booyakasha]

Rene Descartes is sitting in a bar. Barkeep comes up and asks him if he wants a beer. Descartes says, "I think not"...and disappears.

[ZeldaGirl]

Hehehe. *snicker*

[Ace Mercury]

A statistician was talking with one of his colleagues. He had just been invited to a conference, but was anxious about flying overseas.
"I just did some calculations, and based on past data, I found there's about a one in a million chance of a bomb being on any given airplane. It's a pretty small chance, but it's not small enough to risk my life for."

A week later, his colleague found the same statistician waiting in line at the airport terminal.
"Hey, I thought you said that you'd never fly because it was too dangerous."
"Yeah, that's true. But! I thought some more about it, and the chances of two bombs on a plane are one in a million, squared; one in trillion. That sort of chance I can accept. So, now I just carry my own bomb along."

[CaptHayfever]

^
We have a winner, everyone!

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

[Dr. Horrible]

Poor statistician. You'd think he'd be familiar with conditional probability.


Your mamma's so fat, you can't even draw an arbitrary, Gaussian surface around her.

[Ace Mercury]

"Physics is like sex. Sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it."
- R. Feynman

[Ace Mercury]

Here's one I found today. Compelling.

[Forwarded from comp.risks, written by Keith F. Lynch <kfl@keithlynch.net>, posted with his permission - ed.]

WARNING: Do NOT calculate Pi in binary. It is conjectured that this number is normal, meaning that it contains ALL finite bit strings.

If you compute it, you will be guilty of:

* Copyright infringement (of all books, all short stories, all
newspapers, all magazines, all web sites, all music, all movies,
and all software, including the complete Windows source code)
* Trademark infringement
* Possession of child pornography
* Espionage (unauthorized possession of top secret information)
* Possession of DVD-cracking software
* Possession of threats to the President
* Possession of everyone's SSN, everyone's credit card numbers,
everyone's PIN numbers, everyone's unlisted phone numbers, and
everyone's passwords
* Defaming Islam. Not technically illegal, but you'll have to go
into hiding along with Salman Rushdie.
* Defaming Scientology. Which IS illegal--just ask Keith Henson.

Also, your computer will contain all of the nastiest known computer viruses. In fact, all of the nastiest POSSIBLE computer viruses.

Some of the files on my PC are intensely personal, and I for one don't want you snooping through a copy of them.

You might get away with computing just a few digits, but why risk it? There's no telling how far into Pi you can go without finding the secret documents about the JFK assassination, a photograph of your neighbor's six year old daughter doing the nasty with the family dog, or a complete copy of the not-yet-released Pearl Harbor movie. So just don't do it.

The same warning applies to e, the square root of 2, Euler's constant, Phi, the cosine of any non-zero algebraic number, and the vast majority of all other real numbers.

There's a reason why these numbers are always computed and shown in decimal, after all.

[X-3]

What did the n00by Preist say to the Warrior?

Heal plz!

ROFL

[Valigarmander]

Originally Posted by Booyakasha

Rene Descartes is sitting in a bar. Barkeep comes up and asks him if he wants a beer. Descartes says, "I think not"...and disappears.

I'll admit, I laughed.

[Dr. Horrible]

e^x and x are walking down the street when a bunch of functions run past them screaming, "The derivatives are coming! The derivatives are coming!" x says, "Man, I'd better get out of here." e^x says, "Ha! They can't do anything to me." Then another function says, "It's d/dy!" e^x runs away screaming.

[CaptHayfever]

^

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number ln(e)!"

[Ace Mercury]

Venn diagrams are nerdy.

[ZeldaGirl]

^


The "Navi" was the best part...

[Valigarmander]

^ Agreed.

[Ace Mercury]

So, there's this software conference somewhere reasonably far away; the easiest way to get there is to take a train. At the train station, three Microsoft devs each bought a ticket for themselves and waited at the boarding platform. However, they saw three Linux developers buy only one ticket for the three of them. The Microsoft devs asked the Linux dev: "How do you expect to get on the train with only one ticket?"

The Linux dev replied "You'll see."

So, they get on the train. The first thing the Linux devs do is all cram into the washroom and lock the door. When the conductor comes around to check tickets, he knocks on the door and says "Ticket please". A single hand juts out, holding their ticket, and the conductor goes away to the next cab. The Microsoft devs were impressed by this ingenious hack.

On the way back from the conference, the Microsoft devs buy only one ticket for themselves, planning to shadow what the Linux guys did. But, this time, the Linux devs don't buy any ticket at all. The Microsoft devs asked the Linux dev: "Okay, last time you bought only one ticket and got away with it. How do you guys expect to get away without even buying a single ticket?"

The Linux dev replied "You'll see."

So, when the train arrives, the three Linux devs pile into one washroom and the three Microsoft devs pile into another washroom. A couple of minutes pass. Then one of the Linux devs leaves the washroom, walks over to the other washroom, knocks on the door, and says "Ticket please".

[CaptHayfever]

^So the moral of the story is...Linux is for criminals?

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

[Wyborn]

xkcd - A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language - By Randall Munroe

Really almost any of these comics would work, but this is a nerd joke on several levels.

[Ace Mercury]

Good idea plugging xkcd. It's the most entertaining webcomic for nerds sector-wide.

[Wyborn]

Well, I meant that joke in particular. It is a nerd joke about nerds!

[Ace Mercury]

void failIfNull(Object o) throws RuntimeException {
  if (o == null)
  {
    throw new RuntimeException(o.getClass().getName() + " is null!");
  }
}

ref: A Null Understanding - The Daily WTF