Puns

***Ace Mercury*** · 12-11-2007, 10:45 PM

Post jokes that contain puns here.

---

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey you! We don't serve strings around here. Get out!"

The string dejectedly leaves. Still, desperate for a drink, the string messes up one of its ends and ties himself in the middle. The string walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender eyes the disguised string and says "Hey... aren't you that string that walked in here earlier?"

The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"

EmoCL · 12-13-2007, 12:45 AM

I laughed.

Hmm.... well, it's not really a joke, but it perfectly portrays the reaction of modern Americans to intelligent humor:

Oh, I get it!! That's PUNny!!! Hahahaha!!!!

The worst part is, someone in real life said this. >

***Ace Mercury*** · 12-13-2007, 07:54 AM

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

**Booyakasha** · 12-13-2007, 10:27 AM

Mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says, 'We don't serve your kind here.' Mushroom says, 'C'mon, I'm a fun guy !!!'

**Dr. Horrible** · 12-13-2007, 11:11 AM

Why did the sheep walk off the cliff?

They missed the ewe turn.

Eric · 12-13-2007, 03:48 PM

a dog walks into a bar and the bar tender says"I hate dogs!"so he shoots his foot.the next day the dog kicks the door and says"alright which one of yous' shot my paW!

***Ace Mercury*** · 12-13-2007, 05:33 PM

This guy drives to an exclusive club, hoping to get in. At the door he tries to get past the bouncer, but the bouncer stops him. "Hey you, we got a strict dress code here. Every guy coming in here has to be wearing a tie. It's to keep the riff raff out."

The guy goes back to his car and rummages around the trunk for a tie or something. He finds a pair of jumper cables and figures, hey, they kind of look like a tie. So, he ties it around his collar, pats it down, and it ends up looking half-decent. He returns to the bouncer. "Hey, is this good enough?", he says.

The bouncer looks him over and says "Well, okay, you can come in. But don't start anything."

Dr. Zero · 12-13-2007, 05:37 PM

please wait... loading pun.

Eric · 12-13-2007, 05:49 PM

Typhlame. Deal with it. · 12-13-2007, 06:43 PM

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

EmoCL · 12-13-2007, 09:22 PM

What do you call it when someone is using a toilet in a flying airplane?

A high pot in use!!!!!!

Dr. Zero · 12-14-2007, 05:41 AM

A couple just got a new room in an apartment.

Husband: I don't like these doorknobs. I'll replace them with brass ones.
Wife: Don't do that! They're so beautiful!
Husband: Don't get too attached to them; they'll turn on you.

Eric · 01-18-2008, 08:07 PM

what building is not heavy?

A LIGHT HOUSE!

sorry fo bumpin'

***Ace Mercury*** · 01-18-2008, 08:42 PM

Did you hear? They've banned electric blanket use when using a canoe, or else they confiscate your boat.

I guess it just goes to show you that you can't have your kayak and heat it to.

Maximum Spider · 01-20-2008, 04:16 PM

What lives in your backyard and makes 10000 mistakes a year?

A Bush.

Señor Luigi · 01-20-2008, 04:49 PM

What gives you a headache and comes of the wall?

A brick... And I learned that the hard way...

LuWEEGEEman · 01-20-2008, 07:29 PM

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

KittenTheSmitten · 01-20-2008, 07:57 PM

What's brown and sticky? A st---What? That was already done before?! But that was TOTALLY my pun! T___T Why would they do this?

....BLargh, now I must think of another one...

Um....Ever hear the one about the man who brought his retriever to the vet for some tests? Yeah. He had to pay a lab fee.

LuWEEGEEman · 01-20-2008, 10:01 PM

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

***Ace Mercury*** · 01-20-2008, 11:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KittenTheSmitten

Um....Ever hear the one about the man who brought his retriever to the vet for some tests? Yeah. He had to pay a lab fee.

Yeah, it cost quite a lot too. All it involved was getting a tabby to walk around the dog and check it out, but you know how expensive CAT scans are.

12-11-2007, 10:45 PM	#1
*Ace Mercury* Marshmallow Knight ☆ Supermod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Southern Ontario Gender: Posts: 18,997 Thanks: 364 Thanked 1,533 Times in 793 Posts Blog Entries: 1 Points: 103,093.07 Bank: 15,171,716.36 Total Points: 15,274,809.43 Donate	Puns Post jokes that contain puns here. --- A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey you! We don't serve strings around here. Get out!" The string dejectedly leaves. Still, desperate for a drink, the string messes up one of its ends and ties himself in the middle. The string walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender eyes the disguised string and says "Hey... aren't you that string that walked in here earlier?" The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"

12-13-2007, 10:27 AM	#4
Booyakasha Mod of War Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Wisconsinland Gender: Posts: 6,880 Thanks: 77 Thanked 366 Times in 233 Posts Points: 11,639.74 Bank: 24,663.21 Total Points: 36,302.95 Donate	Mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says, 'We don't serve your kind here.' Mushroom says, 'C'mon, I'm a fun guy !!!' __________________ Boo--the only dude bad enough to rescue the president

12-13-2007, 05:49 PM	#9
Eric Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: chained to shane's doghouse outside Gender: Posts: 1,035 Thanks: 130 Thanked 44 Times in 37 Posts Points: 6,541.92 Bank: 104.05 Total Points: 6,645.97 Donate	^ Last edited by Eric; 12-13-2007 at 05:58 PM.

12-13-2007, 09:22 PM	#11
EmoCL Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: BADABBADCABABADKFAFEAWVEAOFA IMMA SCAT MAN Gender: Posts: 4,408 Thanks: 1,138 Thanked 378 Times in 319 Posts Points: 10,064.06 Bank: 717.81 Total Points: 10,781.87 Donate	ZOMG triangle joke What do you call it when someone is using a toilet in a flying airplane? A *high pot in use*!!!!!!

12-13-2007, 12:45 AM	#2
EmoCL Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: BADABBADCABABADKFAFEAWVEAOFA IMMA SCAT MAN Gender: Posts: 4,408 Thanks: 1,138 Thanked 378 Times in 319 Posts Points: 10,064.06 Bank: 717.81 Total Points: 10,781.87 Donate	I laughed. Hmm.... well, it's not really a joke, but it perfectly portrays the reaction of modern Americans to intelligent humor: Oh, I get it!! That's PUNny!!! Hahahaha!!!! The worst part is, someone in real life said this. >

12-13-2007, 07:54 AM	#3
*Ace Mercury* Marshmallow Knight ☆ Supermod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Southern Ontario Gender: Posts: 18,997 Thanks: 364 Thanked 1,533 Times in 793 Posts Blog Entries: 1 Points: 103,093.07 Bank: 15,171,716.36 Total Points: 15,274,809.43 Donate	Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick.

12-13-2007, 11:11 AM	#5
Dr. Horrible PP&R Mod Current Events Mod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: More important than where is when.... Gender: Posts: 6,505 Thanks: 111 Thanked 405 Times in 274 Posts Points: 2,825.25 Bank: 2,371,430.97 Total Points: 2,374,256.22 Donate	Why did the sheep walk off the cliff? They missed the ewe turn.

12-13-2007, 03:48 PM	#6
Eric Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: chained to shane's doghouse outside Gender: Posts: 1,035 Thanks: 130 Thanked 44 Times in 37 Posts Points: 6,541.92 Bank: 104.05 Total Points: 6,645.97 Donate	a dog walks into a bar and the bar tender says"I hate dogs!"so he shoots his foot.the next day the dog kicks the door and says"alright which one of yous' shot my paW!

12-13-2007, 05:33 PM	#7
*Ace Mercury* Marshmallow Knight ☆ Supermod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Southern Ontario Gender: Posts: 18,997 Thanks: 364 Thanked 1,533 Times in 793 Posts Blog Entries: 1 Points: 103,093.07 Bank: 15,171,716.36 Total Points: 15,274,809.43 Donate	This guy drives to an exclusive club, hoping to get in. At the door he tries to get past the bouncer, but the bouncer stops him. "Hey you, we got a strict dress code here. Every guy coming in here has to be wearing a tie. It's to keep the riff raff out." The guy goes back to his car and rummages around the trunk for a tie or something. He finds a pair of jumper cables and figures, hey, they kind of look like a tie. So, he ties it around his collar, pats it down, and it ends up looking half-decent. He returns to the bouncer. "Hey, is this good enough?", he says. The bouncer looks him over and says "Well, okay, you can come in. But don't start anything."

12-13-2007, 05:37 PM	#8
Dr. Zero Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: My false memories. Gender: Posts: 2,690 Thanks: 232 Thanked 127 Times in 94 Posts Points: 7,181.27 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 7,181.27 Donate	please wait... loading pun.

12-13-2007, 06:43 PM	#10
Typhlame. Deal with it. Senior Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Probably eating. Gender: Posts: 3,863 Thanks: 315 Thanked 91 Times in 68 Posts Blog Entries: 2 Points: 3,480.14 Bank: 5,548.57 Total Points: 9,028.71 Donate	A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

12-14-2007, 05:41 AM	#12
Dr. Zero Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: My false memories. Gender: Posts: 2,690 Thanks: 232 Thanked 127 Times in 94 Posts Points: 7,181.27 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 7,181.27 Donate	A couple just got a new room in an apartment. Husband: I don't like these doorknobs. I'll replace them with brass ones. Wife: Don't do that! They're so beautiful! Husband: Don't get too attached to them; they'll turn on you.

01-18-2008, 08:07 PM	#13
Eric Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: chained to shane's doghouse outside Gender: Posts: 1,035 Thanks: 130 Thanked 44 Times in 37 Posts Points: 6,541.92 Bank: 104.05 Total Points: 6,645.97 Donate	what building is not heavy? A LIGHT HOUSE! sorry fo bumpin'

01-18-2008, 08:42 PM	#14
*Ace Mercury* Marshmallow Knight ☆ Supermod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Southern Ontario Gender: Posts: 18,997 Thanks: 364 Thanked 1,533 Times in 793 Posts Blog Entries: 1 Points: 103,093.07 Bank: 15,171,716.36 Total Points: 15,274,809.43 Donate	Did you hear? They've banned electric blanket use when using a canoe, or else they confiscate your boat. I guess it just goes to show you that you can't have your kayak and heat it to.

01-20-2008, 04:16 PM	#15
Maximum Spider Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: I'm not the VWF champion anymore, so I changed my name. Gender: Posts: 1,500 Thanks: 0 Thanked 62 Times in 45 Posts Points: 2,548.27 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 2,548.27 Donate	What lives in your backyard and makes 10000 mistakes a year? A Bush.

01-20-2008, 04:49 PM	#16
Señor Luigi Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: I forget Gender: Posts: 313 Thanks: 14 Thanked 13 Times in 12 Posts Points: 3,769.66 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 3,769.66 Donate	What gives you a headache and comes of the wall? A brick... And I learned that the hard way...

01-20-2008, 07:29 PM	#17
LuWEEGEEman THE EYES Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: go die in a fire Gender: Posts: 4,238 Thanks: 112 Thanked 189 Times in 154 Posts Blog Entries: 3 Points: 14,740.37 Bank: 4,479.73 Total Points: 19,220.10 Donate	Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures. What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie. There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?" Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers. Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there. When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?" I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.' A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!" This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill." A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw." A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge" A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?" A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

01-20-2008, 07:57 PM	#18
KittenTheSmitten Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Canada Gender: Posts: 140 Thanks: 41 Thanked 20 Times in 12 Posts Points: 1,245.86 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 1,245.86 Donate	What's brown and sticky? A st---What? That was already done before?! But that was TOTALLY my pun! T___T Why would they do this? ....BLargh, now I must think of another one... Um....Ever hear the one about the man who brought his retriever to the vet for some tests? Yeah. He had to pay a lab fee.

01-20-2008, 10:01 PM	#19
LuWEEGEEman THE EYES Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: go die in a fire Gender: Posts: 4,238 Thanks: 112 Thanked 189 Times in 154 Posts Blog Entries: 3 Points: 14,740.37 Bank: 4,479.73 Total Points: 19,220.10 Donate	Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"