Post the funniest jokes you've seen

LuWEEGEEman · 07-18-2008, 01:20 PM

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

I REALLY HATE POKEMON! · 07-18-2008, 03:21 PM

I have a couple controversial jokes I couldn't put up, they have a kind of theme to 'em...

But I liked the old lady joke you got there, not bad. =D

LuWEEGEEman · 07-18-2008, 03:40 PM

SPOILERED FOR REASONS

Spoiler Below

A little girl (lets call her Amy) was walking to school one day, when Satan popped up in front of her. Satan asked the little girl," Where are you going?" Amy said," I'm going to school!" Satan said," that's not school, thats Hell." then Satan asked," what is that your holding?" Amy said, " those are cookies!" Satan said, " those aren't cookies, those are ****." then he asked Amy," who made those for you?" Amy said," my mommy!" Satan said, " that's not your mom, that's a bitch.

The next day, Amy told her mother, "Hey bitch! Make me some **** so I can go to Hell!"
--------------------------------------
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
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How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, if they're small enough.
-------------------------------------------
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

Bomby · 07-18-2008, 04:28 PM

Irby · 07-19-2008, 11:55 PM

Okay so a travelling salesman and his son are travelling but the car breaks down. A farmer picks them up and let's them stay at his house for the night. 3 months pass and the farmer contacts the salesman. He sues them because the son got his wife pregnant.

Court time arrives, and the case is almost over. The son is in the stand and the lawyer asks the kid to pull his pants down. He starts shaking the kid's Spoiler Below

dick

and he says to the judge. "Now your honour do you really think this 13 year old kid..."

And the son interrupts him to say "Hey two more shakes and you'll blow this case wide open"

A Scatmanson · 07-20-2008, 11:49 AM

A snail walks into a bar. The bartender kicks him out.

Three years later, the snail walks in again.

"What was that all about!'

...I laughed.

07-18-2008, 01:20 PM	#1
LuWEEGEEman THE EYES Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: go die in a fire Gender: Posts: 4,238 Thanks: 112 Thanked 189 Times in 154 Posts Blog Entries: 3 Points: 14,741.37 Bank: 4,479.73 Total Points: 19,221.10 Donate	Post the funniest jokes you've seen A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. __________________ Click here to level up my card!

07-18-2008, 03:40 PM	#3
LuWEEGEEman THE EYES Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: go die in a fire Gender: Posts: 4,238 Thanks: 112 Thanked 189 Times in 154 Posts Blog Entries: 3 Points: 14,741.37 Bank: 4,479.73 Total Points: 19,221.10 Donate	SPOILERED FOR REASONS Spoiler Below A little girl (lets call her Amy) was walking to school one day, when Satan popped up in front of her. Satan asked the little girl," Where are you going?" Amy said," I'm going to school!" Satan said," that's not school, thats Hell." then Satan asked," what is that your holding?" Amy said, " those are cookies!" Satan said, " those aren't cookies, those are **." then he asked Amy," who made those for you?" Amy said," my mommy!" Satan said, " that's not your mom, that's a bitch. The next day, Amy told her mother, "Hey bitch! Make me some ** so I can go to Hell!" -------------------------------------- A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: ''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.'' ''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.'' ''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.'' ------------------------------------------ How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, if they're small enough. ------------------------------------------- Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' __________________ Click here to level up my card!

07-18-2008, 03:21 PM	#2
I REALLY HATE POKEMON! Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: California, U.S.A Gender: Posts: 8,611 Thanks: 12 Thanked 42 Times in 39 Posts Points: 25,085.96 Bank: 1,171.59 Total Points: 26,257.55 Donate	I have a couple controversial jokes I couldn't put up, they have a kind of theme to 'em... But I liked the old lady joke you got there, not bad. =D

07-18-2008, 04:28 PM	#4
Bomby My name is Stereotype with an A Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Searching the city for Sci-Fi Wasabi Gender: Posts: 15,200 Thanks: 210 Thanked 613 Times in 399 Posts Blog Entries: 4 Points: 7,999.27 Bank: 2,506,696.76 Total Points: 2,514,696.04 Donate

07-19-2008, 11:55 PM	#5
Irby Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Canada, Eh. Gender: Posts: 7,003 Thanks: 344 Thanked 118 Times in 100 Posts Blog Entries: 5 Points: 43,086.83 Bank: 16,978.39 Total Points: 60,065.22 Donate	Okay so a travelling salesman and his son are travelling but the car breaks down. A farmer picks them up and let's them stay at his house for the night. 3 months pass and the farmer contacts the salesman. He sues them because the son got his wife pregnant. Court time arrives, and the case is almost over. The son is in the stand and the lawyer asks the kid to pull his pants down. He starts shaking the kid's Spoiler Below dick and he says to the judge. "Now your honour do you really think this 13 year old kid..." And the son interrupts him to say "Hey two more shakes and you'll blow this case wide open"

07-20-2008, 11:49 AM	#6
A Scatmanson REPEAT AFTER ME! IT'S A OASOFBASPOMELODY Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Scatting (Panfan) Gender: Posts: 11,487 Thanks: 515 Thanked 898 Times in 630 Posts Blog Entries: 13 Points: 715.25 Bank: 21,302.91 Total Points: 22,018.16 Donate	A snail walks into a bar. The bartender kicks him out. Three years later, the snail walks in again. "What was that all about!' ...I laughed.