Post the funniest jokes you've seen

[Luigiman7]

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

[I REALLY HATE POKEMON!]

I have a couple controversial jokes I couldn't put up, they have a kind of theme to 'em...

But I liked the old lady joke you got there, not bad. =D

[Luigiman7]

SPOILERED FOR REASONS


Spoiler Below

A little girl (lets call her Amy) was walking to school one day, when Satan popped up in front of her. Satan asked the little girl," Where are you going?" Amy said," I'm going to school!" Satan said," that's not school, thats Hell." then Satan asked," what is that your holding?" Amy said, " those are cookies!" Satan said, " those aren't cookies, those are ****." then he asked Amy," who made those for you?" Amy said," my mommy!" Satan said, " that's not your mom, that's a bitch.

The next day, Amy told her mother, "Hey bitch! Make me some **** so I can go to Hell!"
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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
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How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, if they're small enough.
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Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

[Bomby]

[Seeking Attention is passe]

Okay so a travelling salesman and his son are travelling but the car breaks down. A farmer picks them up and let's them stay at his house for the night. 3 months pass and the farmer contacts the salesman. He sues them because the son got his wife pregnant.

Court time arrives, and the case is almost over. The son is in the stand and the lawyer asks the kid to pull his pants down. He starts shaking the kid's Spoiler Below

dick

and he says to the judge. "Now your honour do you really think this 13 year old kid..."

And the son interrupts him to say "Hey two more shakes and you'll blow this case wide open"

[Panfan]

A snail walks into a bar. The bartender kicks him out.

Three years later, the snail walks in again.

"What was that all about!'

...I laughed.

[Zaden]

An obese man walks into a weight management center. He goes to the receptionist and asks, "I'm eating all the right stuff, but I'm still overweight. What should I do?"

"You need to have an exercise plan. Would you like a personal trainer?"

"That would be great."

"Ok, step into the room on your right."

The man walks into the room. There is a sofa in the middle of the room and a door on the other side. A very lean, gorgeous woman with a sweatband walks in from the other door.

"Alright! This is day one." said the woman, "If you can catch me, you can make out with me. You have 1 hour."

The obese man chased the beautiful trainer around the room for an hour, never able to catch her.

He returned the next day.

"You know what to do?" the receptionist asked.

"Yes I do!" he said, walking into room on the right again.

He remembered the day before, how the trainer would make laps around the sofa to avoid him. He pushed the sofa to the side of the room.

With this out of the way, I can easily trap her in the corner! he thought.

"Are you ready?" This time the voice came from a speaker in the ceiling.

"OK, bring her in!" the man said.

An eight foot gorilla came into the room.

"This is day two." the voice said, "by the way, if he catches you, he's gonna make out with you..."

[Ace Mercury]

Bob goes on vacation. He asks his moron brother to take care of his cat. After a few days on vacation, Bob calls to say hi. The moron brother blurts out "Your cat is dead."

Bob is beside himself with grief. And he chastises his moron brother for breaking the news to him in such an abrupt manner. The moron brother asks how he could have done it better.

Bob explains "Well, for example, you could have told me the cat was on the roof. The next time we talked, you could say the Fire Department is trying to get him down. The next time, you could say the cat fell during the rescue and was in the veterinarian hospital. The next time I called, you could say the cat succumbed to his injuries and passed away. That way I would be prepared for the bad news."

The moron brother says he understands. Then he adds, "Oh, by the way. Mom is on the roof."

[Valigarmander]

For some reason I read the title as being "Post the feminist jokes you've seen".

I'm worried about my eyesight. Also, I don't have a joke on me.

[Redshirt]

BUMP

[PONIES]

that's awesome Ash

[Glux]

Originally Posted by Wailord

Spoiler Below

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, if they're small enough.

LOL