Nerd Jokes

**Valigarmander** · 10-29-2009, 11:22 PM

Two atoms walk into a bar. One says to the other, "I think I'm missing an electron!" The other atoms says, "Are you sure?" And the first atom says, "I'm positive!"

A neutron walks into a bar and the bartender gives him a beer. The neutron asks him "How much?" to which the bartenber says, "For you sir, no charge!"

Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bartender and says, "I would like one glass of beer, please". The second mathematician follows him and says, "I would like one half of a glass of beer". The third one asks for 1/4th of a beer, and the fourth asks for 1/8th of a beer. Before the fifth person could make his request, the bartender says, "Screw this," and pours two whole beers.

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current, to watch the sine waves. Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.

Glux · 10-29-2009, 11:33 PM

That last one made me laugh my ass off!!

***Ace Mercury*** · 10-30-2009, 08:05 AM

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rabbit?

A: Elephant rabbit sine theta.

**Loot** · 11-01-2009, 07:01 PM

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he wants a beer. Descartes replies "I think not," and disappears.

Kil'jaeden · 11-02-2009, 12:20 AM

An economist, philosopher, and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. They see some cows, and each makes a remark.

Economist: The cows in Scotland are brown.
Philosopher: There are cows in Scotland, and some must be brown.
Mathematician: There are at least 10 cows and Scotland, and at least one side of each of the 10 is brown.

Zaden · 06-14-2010, 02:45 PM

Click to view video.

Here's a link in case the video doesn't work.

YouTube - Large Hadron Rap

I typed in "[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j50ZssEojtM[/video]". Is that right?

**Galefore** · 06-14-2010, 03:45 PM

No, just use the video code (the bit after v= in the URL).

CuccoLady · 06-18-2010, 10:11 PM

Quote:

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current, to watch the sine waves. Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.

Taking that horrible physics class was totally worth it, just because I can now fully appreciate this.

***Ace Mercury*** · 06-18-2010, 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by http://bash.org/?214810

<Fulgore> whats the complement to a 43 degree angle?
<sparks> My you're looking "acute" today
<Fulgore> **** you

Zaden · 06-19-2010, 12:20 AM

^That's funny!

Dry Bones · 07-16-2010, 04:39 PM

They are funny. :P

***Ace Mercury*** · 08-06-2010, 05:59 PM

Q: How many Apple Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

**Valigarmander** · 01-20-2011, 11:29 AM

Sim Kid · 01-20-2011, 01:31 PM

Terrible pick-up lines:

"Want to see my Stamen? I'd like to put it in your Stigma."

"I'd like to be your derivative so that I may lay tangent to your curves."

"Shall I pollinate you?"

"Landscape architects make the best lovers - after all, we know how to handle your curves."

"Entomology bugs me."

"Psychology's all in your mind."

"Sociology's hard to do alone."

**Valigarmander** · 01-20-2011, 01:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sim Kid

Terrible pick-up lines:

"Want to see my Stamen? I'd like to put it in your Stigma."

"I'd like to be your derivative so that I may lay tangent to your curves."

"Shall I pollinate you?"

"Landscape architects make the best lovers - after all, we know how to handle your curves."

"Entomology bugs me."

"Psychology's all in your mind."

"Sociology's hard to do alone."

"If I were an integral, I’d fill you up."

"I wish I were adenine because then I could get paired with U."

"You have nicer legs than an Isosceles right triangle."

"You’re like an exothermic reaction. You spread your hotness everywhere."

"You make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive."

"If I was an enzyme, I’d be helicase so I could unzip your genes."

***Ace Mercury*** · 01-20-2011, 05:45 PM

"mv pretty_girl ~"

"sudo mv pretty_girl ~; touch && grep && strip && unzip && mount && fsck | more; yes; umount; sleep"

**Loot** · 01-20-2011, 07:06 PM

Oh Ace, you card.

I'm ashamed to actually get that.

***Ace Mercury*** · 01-20-2011, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Loot

Oh Ace, you card.

Are you saying that I need to be dealt with?

Rainbow Dash · 01-20-2011, 08:43 PM

actually you should probably be cut

Totally Kennerson · 01-20-2011, 09:08 PM

We're supposed to be posting nerd jokes. Get it straight.

10-29-2009, 11:22 PM	#1
Valigarmander The Bee's Knees Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: The land of rain and trees (Oregon) Gender: Posts: 29,755 Thanks: 1,649 Thanked 5,700 Times in 2,580 Posts Blog Entries: 20	Nerd Jokes Two atoms walk into a bar. One says to the other, "I think I'm missing an electron!" The other atoms says, "Are you sure?" And the first atom says, "I'm positive!" A neutron walks into a bar and the bartender gives him a beer. The neutron asks him "How much?" to which the bartenber says, "For you sir, no charge!" Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex? Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bartender and says, "I would like one glass of beer, please". The second mathematician follows him and says, "I would like one half of a glass of beer". The third one asks for 1/4th of a beer, and the fourth asks for 1/8th of a beer. Before the fifth person could make his request, the bartender says, "Screw this," and pours two whole beers. One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current, to watch the sine waves. Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.

01-20-2011, 11:29 AM	#13
Valigarmander The Bee's Knees Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: The land of rain and trees (Oregon) Gender: Posts: 29,755 Thanks: 1,649 Thanked 5,700 Times in 2,580 Posts Blog Entries: 20	Bump.

10-29-2009, 11:33 PM	#2
Glux Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Home Gender: Posts: 7,121 Thanks: 647 Thanked 360 Times in 236 Posts Blog Entries: 3	That last one made me laugh my ass off!!

10-30-2009, 08:05 AM	#3
*Ace Mercury* Marshmallow Knight ☆ Supermod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Southern Ontario Gender: Posts: 23,274 Thanks: 568 Thanked 3,297 Times in 1,582 Posts Blog Entries: 1	Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rabbit? A: Elephant rabbit sine theta.

11-01-2009, 07:01 PM	#4
Loot Apparently I'm a mod? Join Date: May 2001 Location: LEGITIMATE BUSINESS Gender: Posts: 13,208 Thanks: 236 Thanked 1,237 Times in 659 Posts	Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he wants a beer. Descartes replies "I think not," and disappears.

11-02-2009, 12:20 AM	#5
Kil'jaeden Member Join Date: May 2003 Location: in your mind Gender: Posts: 2,132 Thanks: 21 Thanked 146 Times in 99 Posts	An economist, philosopher, and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. They see some cows, and each makes a remark. Economist: The cows in Scotland are brown. Philosopher: There are cows in Scotland, and some must be brown. Mathematician: There are at least 10 cows and Scotland, and at least one side of each of the 10 is brown.

06-14-2010, 03:45 PM	#7
Galefore EXPLOSION GOD OF MUSIC Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Some studio somewhere Gender: Posts: 8,275 Thanks: 1,361 Thanked 826 Times in 535 Posts Blog Entries: 5	No, just use the video code (the bit after v= in the URL).

06-19-2010, 12:20 AM	#10
Zaden Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: in the beak of a mighty condor Gender: Posts: 991 Thanks: 273 Thanked 88 Times in 51 Posts Blog Entries: 5	^That's funny!

07-16-2010, 04:39 PM	#11
Dry Bones Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: That place right there. Gender: Posts: 77 Thanks: 0 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts Blog Entries: 1	They are funny. :P

08-06-2010, 05:59 PM	#12
*Ace Mercury* Marshmallow Knight ☆ Supermod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Southern Ontario Gender: Posts: 23,274 Thanks: 568 Thanked 3,297 Times in 1,582 Posts Blog Entries: 1	Q: How many Apple Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

01-20-2011, 01:31 PM	#14
Sim Kid Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: The state of Denial Gender: Posts: 8,884 Thanks: 80 Thanked 198 Times in 122 Posts	Terrible pick-up lines: "Want to see my Stamen? I'd like to put it in your Stigma." "I'd like to be your derivative so that I may lay tangent to your curves." "Shall I pollinate you?" "Landscape architects make the best lovers - after all, we know how to handle your curves." "Entomology bugs me." "Psychology's all in your mind." "Sociology's hard to do alone."

01-20-2011, 05:45 PM	#16
*Ace Mercury* Marshmallow Knight ☆ Supermod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Southern Ontario Gender: Posts: 23,274 Thanks: 568 Thanked 3,297 Times in 1,582 Posts Blog Entries: 1	"mv pretty_girl ~" "sudo mv pretty_girl ~; touch && grep && strip && unzip && mount && fsck \| more; yes; umount; sleep"

01-20-2011, 08:43 PM	#19
Rainbow Dash been dreamin', i've been waitin' Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: a bomb-ass cloud house bachelorette pad Gender: Posts: 24,398 Thanks: 173 Thanked 1,179 Times in 716 Posts	actually you should probably be cut

01-20-2011, 07:06 PM	#17
Loot Apparently I'm a mod? Join Date: May 2001 Location: LEGITIMATE BUSINESS Gender: Posts: 13,208 Thanks: 236 Thanked 1,237 Times in 659 Posts	Oh Ace, you card. I'm ashamed to actually get that.

01-20-2011, 09:08 PM	#20
Totally Kennerson Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Falling down all these stairs Gender: Posts: 2,116 Thanks: 340 Thanked 406 Times in 136 Posts Blog Entries: 1	We're supposed to be posting nerd jokes. Get it straight.