By popular request, Sim Kid's Subway Stories

[Sim Kid]

I feel it's a bit redundant to post them in venting seeing as I've practically enough material to make a comedy routine about Subway.


For starters, let's get the Eesh Squeesh one out of the way.
Not Always Right | Funny & Stupid Customer Quotes » Ix Nay On The Eesh Squeesh


Anyways, Subway as you all know is a cosmic nexus of stupidity. People shut their brains off when they come to subway; and they come from miles around just to go to this one in particular.

Chapter 1: Responses to quotes.

"I'm allergic to Tomatoes...blablabla....Can I get a Meatball Marinara?"
...Darwin awards that way.

"Does your white chocolate macadamia nut cookies have nuts in it?"
I dunno - you tell me.

"I'd like a Meat Sandwich."
*Facepalm*

"I'd like a sandwich please."
*bangs head*

"Can I have subs?"
*brain bleach*

"I'll have a Big Mac."
THIS. IS. SUBWAY!!!

"Can I have that Toasted?"
...we can't toast a salad.

"Do you guys have Sub Sauce?"
What's Sub Sauce?

"Do you work here?"
*Headdesk*

"The machine says 'Swipe again'. Does that mean I have to swipe the card again?"
Yes.

"Which one's bigger? The 6-inch or the footlong?"
I dunno - you tell me.

"Does the $5 footlong work on 6 inches?"
Well we can charge you $5 for a six inch if you want...

"Is that egg whites? Can I have egg whites?"
That's not egg - that's Turkey. BIG difference there!


Chapter two: What not to do at Subway

-Put that cell phone DOWN.

-No, we don't do deliveries.

-I just cleaned that!

-If you have so much gum or tobacco in your mouth you can't say anything that doesn't sound like Ozzie Osbourne, you have to spit it out.

-DON'T SPIT THAT TOBACCO OUT ON THE FECKING CARPET WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?!

-DON'T STICK THAT GUM ON THE VEIN!!!! We have to clean that up!

-The Sprite's just Soda Water? Oh okay thank you for tellign us so we can repl-WHAT IN THE HELL?! YOU'RE DUMPING IT ALL OVER THE FLOOR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LUNCH RUSH?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

-IF that cookie is good enough for you to have shoved in your face, then it clearly isn't too burned.

-I just cleaned that!

-Please take those headphones off your head and those earbuds off of your ears, please.

-Don't make us toast a foot long ham and cheese and then leave when we don't have ketchup - you just made us waste food.

-And don't point with your chin, please.

-No, we don't do deliveries.

-We can't stir-fry the salad. Do you see the proper piece of equipment?

-Espionage? Oh wait, you meant Spinach?

-The reason your $5 footlong costs more than $5 is because of sales tax, sir.

-When I ask if you want chips or a drink, do not say "Yes" and then say "HEY I didn't order those!"

-When I ask if you want Chips or a drink, don't say "no" and then take them anyway - that is called "Stealing".

-you do NOT want that bread that just came out of the oven - seriously you do not.

-I just cleaned that!

-you want it toasted WITH the mustard? Good luck eating it - it's going to be about 600 degrees.

-Please don't ask us to make you a sandwich and then leave when it's not $5 - you just made us waste food and you probably wasted about 30 minutes of your life in that line.

-Asking if you want it toasted or if you want a copy of the receipt is a "Yes" or "no" question. If you just answer with an unintelligible grunt or squeak, then we will ask AGAIN.

-The answer to "Provolone, Pepperjack, White American cheese?" and, "What kind of sauce do you want?" is not "Yes" or "No".

-I JUST CLEANED THAT!!!

-NO WE DON'T DO DELIVERIES AND WE NEVER HAVE. NO WE NEVER WILL!!!


Chapter three: The outrageous.

Elder Scrolls is more realistic than you think.
A customer walks right up to the vein and literally walks right into it.)

Me: Sir are you alright?!

Customer: Ugh, dammit what is this thing?!

(The customer literally tries to walk THROUGH The vein, banging into it at least three times.)

Customer: Maaaaaan this wasn't here last time I was in engineering!!

Me: ...this is gonna be a long shift....


The Bar
Customer: Do you guys sell beer?

Me: Nope, right over there. (Points to the campus bar)

Customer: No this is beer....where do you have it? (looking at the soda fountain)

Coworker: we don't sell beer. We don't even have a liquor license.

Customer: OOOOOOOH this isn't the bar?!

Coworker: *banging his head on the sandwich vein*


No, in your hair

Me: Would you like Parmesan or Oregano?

Customer: *blank stare* on what?

Me: ...on the sandwich?


Yes, someone actually did this.

Someone walks up to Subway...and starts taunting someone on the phone. Is obviously having phone sex. Let's just say they were...errr...yeah.


I know you're a fan of free speech, but there is such a thing as common sense of when to talk about things.

I overhear some people (loudly) talking about some...very intimate things, and some deviant-ish things too. I'd rather not repeat it.


Tired people
Customer: I'll have a *garbled words*

Me: I'm sorry what?

customer: Sandwich.

Me: What kind of sandwich? I didn't quite get that.

Customer: Your $3.69 one.

Me: *gives him a "You seriously did NOT just say that" look* But which one?

Customer: The $3.69 one.

Me: Well that doesn't really help. There are numerous items that are $3.69.

Customer: It's on the breakfast menu.

Me: Well that helps...but which one? Ham and Egg or the Sausage and Egg?

Customer: Which one's $3.69?

Me: ...they both are...


When the summer camp kids strike
Kid: I'll have...a sandwich.

Me: *tries very hard not to say somtehing rude*

counselor: What kind?

Kid: Peanut butter and Jelly.

Me: We don't have that.

Kid: But if you don't have sandwiches, what do you have?

Me: Everything on the menu up there.

Kid: *looks up* :O YOU COULD PUT TURKEY ON A SANDWICH?!

(This kid was 10 years old.)


Dude is on something
(A customer who's really quite jittery walks up)

Customer: Hey there do you guys have spoons and plates?

Manager: I'm sorry we don't.

Customer: Oh well I worked at a Subway. They had sorts of plates and spoons! Lemme go get money!

(The customer walks away...obviously this isn't over yet as ten minutes later he comes back)

Customer: Okay can I now get some banana peppers and onions?

Me: ON a plate?

Customer: I worked at Subway so yes. Do you have plates?

Manager: We only have salad dishes.

Customer: oh no the subway I worked at had plates! Lemme just get some chips.

(The customer gets at least eleven bags of chips)

Register: Eleven dollars.

Customer: oh shoot I only have about four dollars uh lemme get stuff from the car! (He sets the chips back on the shelf, then comesback a couple minutes later)

Customer: Oh shoot I only have eight dollars now. (after depositing about 90 thousand coins on the counter) Take these I'll go get some more! (That is the last time I see of him)

Manager: ...I'm locking the door....


YEs this actually happened

Spoiler'd.
Spoiler Below

Customer: *garbled words*

Me: Excuse me?

customer: *stands there giving me a blank stare*

Me: Sir? Are you alright?

Customer: *looks sick*

Coworker: Trash can over there! PRONTO!

*The customer literally runs over to the trash can and vomits.*

TEAR-YAKI! TEAR-YAKI! TEAR-YAKI
Customer: I'll have a footlong Tear-yaki on white.

Me: *Goes to make a teriyaki sub*

Customer: TEAR-YAKI TEAR-YAKI TEAR-YAKI TEAR-YAKI!!!!

Me: this IS teriyaki.

Customer: No, I meant Tear-yaki, not tear-yaki. *points to the Turkey*

Me: oh you wanted Turkey? Sorry about that.

Customer: I'll have sweet honey sauce on that too.

Me: *knows where this is gonna go...*


Would you like some grasshoppers and crickets?

Customer: Does the Orchard Chicken Salad have bugs in it?

Manager: O-O WHAT?!

Customer: Yeah, bugs.

Manager: I'm sorry we don't.

Customer: But wait, it's adverti-ooooooh wait, I mean Raisins.


Maybe you can toast the sandwich on the fire...

Customer: What do you mean you're closing?

Me: Sir, the fire alarm is going off.


The year is different!

Me: Sir I can't take this coupon. It's expired.

Customer: Oh it's one of those Day-Month-Year formats.

Me: You mean there are 31 months in a year, now?


ARGH!

Customer: "Tuna fish."

Me: "You want a Tuna? What size?"

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: "...What size do you want it?"

Customer: "long."

Me: "Footlong?"

Customer: "No, half long."

Me: "You want a six-inch?"

Customer: "Yes."

Me: *makes it*

Customer: "Two!"

Me: "Two? You want two?"

Customer: "Yes."


This happens more than you think.

Customer: "Do you guys have $5 footlongs?"

Me: "Yes, only the ones on this list."

Customer: "Can I have a footlong Turkey?"

Me: "That's not a $5 footlong."

Customer: "That's okay."

*at the register*

Customer: "WTF man that's not $5!"


You're a mean one, Mister Ranch.

Me: "Mayonnaise mustard or a sauce?"

Customer: "Grinch."

Me: "Grinch?"

Customer: "Grrrrrrinch."

Me: "Spinach?" (Only thing I can think of that sounds like "Grinch")

Customer: "Rinch! Here!" *Pointing to the ranch, the nearest thign to the spinach*

Me: "OH! You mean 'Ranch'?"


The man who mistook a plant for a meat

Me: "Sir, what else do you want on your Chicken Teriyaki?"

Customer: "chicken tomato cucumbers..."

Me: "Sir, if you want more chicken, you'll have to pay double meat for it."

Customer: *confused* "uh...okay."

Me: *gets more chicken*

Customer: "No no not Sweet Onion! I said chicken! Right here!" *is pointing to the lettuce*

Me: "...sir, that's lettuce."

Customer: "Really?"


This one time at Band Camp I tried to rob subway

Me: "That's $10.53."

Band Camp Kid: "WTF?! for a footlong?!"

Me: "Well that's $6.75 for the footlong, and about $3 for the bags of chips you stuffed in your backpack."


When the Summer Camp Kids strike v2

Me: "Welcome to Subway, hwo can I help you today?"

Kid: "......"

Me:"...do you want anything, miss?"

Kid: "......"

Counselor: "Tell the nice man what you want."

Kid: ".....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! !!!! !!" *Continues to scream non-stop for over a minute until the counselor picks her up and carries her out*

Everyone else, includin the summer camp kids: O.O;;;


The final Summer Camp Kid story for now...I swear it

Kid: *orders the single most expensive sub on the menu*

Register: that'll cost $7.47.

Kid: :O I ONLY HAVE THREE DOLLARS!


More to come...including stupid Coworkers

[Booyakasha]

...I'm honestly not looking to criticise or provoke you, Sim, but you must acknowledge this would be more at home in Venting, or possibly Misc. Can you justify its presence in GA & L?

[Sim Kid]

Originally Posted by Booyakasha

...I'm honestly not looking to criticise or provoke you, Sim, but you must acknowledge this would be more at home in Venting, or possibly Misc. Can you justify its presence in GA & L?

.... **** I clicked the wrong board and didn't notice. >.<; anyone wanna move this? (I wanted to post it in Misc)

[Booyakasha]

Done.

[Sim Kid]

Thanks. Don't post when you're tired.

[Leinad]

Maybe I'm missing something, but what's sales tax and why would it cost more than $5 if it's advertised as $5?

[Booyakasha]

Sales tax is a tax imposed by the government on goods and services. It varies from place to place---here in Wisconsin, it's about 6.5%.

[Leinad]

Okay, so it sounds like it's a little like VAT, but why isn't it included in the advertised price instead of giving you a maths test?

[CaptHayfever]

Because the companies want to advertise as low a price as possible, so they only list the money they're keeping.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

[Leinad]

So they're allowed to get away with false advertising, and with being confusing just because it's money that they're not pocketing? How about all the money they pay for the companies bills, or for the materials and tools they purchase beforehand so as to create their product, how about they don't include that so as they just tell you what they're getting in profit?

[CaptHayfever]

It's not false advertising. Anyone who's ever bought anything in the US should be familiar with how sales tax is applied here; it's been the same process since my great-grandparents immigrated. Besides, it would be a nightmare for national chains to make 50+ different ads (each state & lot of cities charge different sales tax percentages) for the same items.
Also, percentage-based discounts are based on the pre-tax price, not the post-tax price; people need to know what the pre-tax price is to budget their shopping correctly.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

[Leinad]

Okay, I can sort of understand the advertising thing, but even then it wouldn't be that big a problem for advertisers. This however creates the question of why do you have such varied taxes from one state to the other, but then I'm from a much smaller country than the states, and don't really care much or know anything about US tax law.

Secondly, whether a percentage discount was applied to the product before the tax rate or not wouldn't have any effect to the overall cost of the product. And quite frankly, I'd have thought the post tax amount would be more useful for budgeting shopping as that would require you to just add up the values of what you're buying, as opposed to having to keep track of their pre-tax value and then figuring out tax on top of that. I know that none of this really matters and that I've basically completely derailed the topic, but this makes no sense.

[Glux]

I also work at Subway.

This is now my checklist.

[Robotazy]

Originally Posted by Leinad

Okay, I can sort of understand the advertising thing, but even then it wouldn't be that big a problem for advertisers. This however creates the question of why do you have such varied taxes from one state to the other, but then I'm from a much smaller country than the states, and don't really care much or know anything about US tax law.

From what I've read, sales tax is imposed by the State Government and collected as such.

"States imposing sales tax require retail sellers to collect tax from customers, file returns, and remit the tax to the state."

Secondly, whether a percentage discount was applied to the product before the tax rate or not wouldn't have any effect to the overall cost of the product. And quite frankly, I'd have thought the post tax amount would be more useful for budgeting shopping as that would require you to just add up the values of what you're buying, as opposed to having to keep track of their pre-tax value and then figuring out tax on top of that. I know that none of this really matters and that I've basically completely derailed the topic, but this makes no sense.

I believe that depends on the total purchase, not just individual items. The tax is made on the service, not the product, as such, the tax is calculated from the final price.

I could be wrong on these things, but it is a basic observation.


Also, hur hur dumb customers.

[Glux]

Originally Posted by Leinad

Secondly, whether a percentage discount was applied to the product before the tax rate or not wouldn't have any effect to the overall cost of the product. And quite frankly, I'd have thought the post tax amount would be more useful for budgeting shopping as that would require you to just add up the values of what you're buying, as opposed to having to keep track of their pre-tax value and then figuring out tax on top of that. I know that none of this really matters and that I've basically completely derailed the topic, but this makes no sense.

Depends on if the discount is monetary or percentage ($1 off v 10% off).

[CaptHayfever]

^This.

Originally Posted by Leinad

This however creates the question of why do you have such varied taxes from one state to the other

We actually don't have a federal sales tax; the federal government gets most of its funding through income/holdings/estate/etc taxes and the postal service.
Each state & city decides what sales tax to impose based on their own needs. Alaska, Delaware, Montana, New Hampshire, & Oregon, for example, charge no sales tax (though individual towns within them can charge one). Of the other 46, sales tax rates range from 4% (Hawaii) to 8.75% (California). California has tons of people & tons of industry, so it needs a lot of resources & services, hence the higher sales tax. Hawaii has not a lot of people, & its primary "industry" is tourism; they can do just fine on the lower rate.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

[Dizzy]

I don't know what's more impressive; the quality of the idiocy or the quantity.

[Heroine of the Dragon]

Some of those anecdotes are amusing, SimKid!!

[User Name]

Originally Posted by Sim Kid

"Do you work here?"
*Headdesk*

Oh my god. I HATE when people say this. I am behind the register, I am wearing my lanyard, I'm pressing buttons on the screen, and you just saw me help three other customers. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

[Sim Kid]

Originally Posted by User Name

Oh my god. I HATE when people say this. I am behind the register, I am wearing my lanyard, I'm pressing buttons on the screen, and you just saw me help three other customers. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

It's also funny if they say, "Are you guys open?" when you have people in line. >.<