BEST ASSASSIN EVER

[Cosmonautical]

Charles J. Guiteau - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I have just become aware of this bit of history.

Guiteau became something of a media darling during his entire trial for his bizarre behavior, including constantly cursing and badmouthing the judge, witnesses, and even his defense team, formatting his testimony in epic poems which he recited at length, and soliciting legal advice from random spectators in the audience via passed notes. He dictated an autobiography to the New York Herald, ending it with a personal ad for a nice Christian lady under thirty.

At one point, Guiteau argued before Judge Cox that President Garfield was killed not by the bullets but by medical malpractice, which was more than a little true ("The doctors killed Garfield, I just shot him").

After the guilty verdict was read, Guiteau stepped forward, despite his lawyers' efforts to tell him to be quiet, and yelled at the jury saying "You are all low, consummate jackasses!" plus a further stream of curses and obscenities before he was taken away by guards to his cell to await execution.

[Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds]

Aren't you glad I got bored and started going through all the Presidents? Who knows how long we could have gone without knowing this hilarity. XD

[Antisocial]

I remember this. To quote one of my many trivia books:

mental_floss article:

After Garfield was shot on July 2, 1881, a crack medical team led by Dr. Willard Bliss immediately moved into position to save his life. Their goal: Find and remove the bullet. Unfortunately, this proved to be difficult—and remarkably detrimental to Garfield. At one point, Bliss stuck his unwashed finger into the entry wound to fish around for the bullet. Later, a different doctor stuck his whole hand (up to his wrist) into the president’s gut—puncturing his liver in the process. In fact, if anything, Bliss and the other doctors turned out to be worse for Garfield’s health than the actual bullet. Over the course of the next 79 days, 16 of the country’s “finest” doctors managed to turn a 3-inch hole into a 20-inch long, festering tunnel. What’s more, telephone inventor Alexander Graham Bell joined in for a last-ditch effort to find the bullet—using a metal detector. And while his contraption did register metal in Garfield’s body, it seemed to be spread across such a wide area that the bullet was impossible to pinpoint. The likely reason? Bell forgot to account for those pesky metal springs inside Garfield’s presidential bed.

After the president finally succumbed to his physicians’ ministrations on September 19, his autopsy revealed that the bullet had come to rest in a spot that wasn’t life threatening at all. If the doctors had simply left him alone, Garfield would have recovered. Public reaction to this revelation was predictably harsh. Bliss and his cohorts were accused of malpractice, and even the assassin joined in the jeering. In fact, during his trial, Charles Guiteau put the blame squarely on the doctors. “I simply shot him,” Guiteau said. Accurate or not, his defense didn’t work. Guiteau was convicted and hanged.

U.S. presidential history can make for pretty interesting reading.

[The Doctor]

Meh, assassins are cool and all but it's people like Jack Churchill. We need to respect.

Go to July 6 2010. Rude words ahead.

Basically, the guy went to war with Bow and Arrows, a Sword and bagpipes....during WWII. You heard me right, this guy fought machine-gun toting Nazis with a bow, sword, and bagpipe. And that's just the tip of this bloodbath iceberg. This guy has a war record that reads like a Chuck Norris film. The man went into battle with his bagpipes blaring like some haunting battle cry. He once, under cover of darkness, captured 42 German soldiers, using only his sword. He escaped from two - count 'em, two concentration camps. Oh and he didn't tunnel out of them. He walked out of them, apparently he got bored and just walked plain out.

Oh, and while your finding out about him. Read the Cracked article of more people like him.

[CaptHayfever]

Guiteau also recited a poem of his own composition at the gallows as his last request. He'd previously requested orchestral accompaniment, saying it would go better with music, but that part of the request was denied. A century later, Stephen Sondheim agreed with Guiteau about the music thing, & used the poem as a basis for Guiteau's ballad in Sondheim's musical Assassins.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

[Valigarmander]

Trumps all assassins. With his cane.

[X-3]

Originally Posted by The Doctor

Oh, and while your finding out about him. Read the Cracked article of more people like him.

Here is that Cracked article. Also, holy ****.