How to go about this...

Bomby · 09-01-2008, 05:25 PM

It would appear as if one of the new freshman girls has developed a bit of a crush on me. I'm not completely sure at this point, though I'm probably about 65-75% certain. I'm pretty sure at this point that I'm not interested in her in the same way, though it's also worth noting that I've only known her a few days. Also worth noting is that within those few days she's pretty much been constantly around me. Even now she's messaging me on AIM.

In other words, I don't want to lead her on. She hasn't tried to make any obvious moves or intimate physical contact on me, so right now it seems like I'm in the safe, but if she were to cross a line that I would prefer she didn't cross, I'm not sure what the best way to handle it would be.

**Galefore** · 09-01-2008, 05:39 PM

Honestly? This is one of those situations you will definitely need to handle with care. I went through the same thing about a year ago, so I know full well that anything other than letting her think she's safe to keep slowly building her hopes up is best. Directly rejecting may be a bit too much, depending on how stable she is, lying is just cruel, and slowly letting her down sometimes just lets it go on too long. Frankly, I had to finally just say 'no' to the one who was all over me, and it did not end well.

So really, it all depends. Sorry I can't be more helpful, just know that I sympathize with you on this one.

Bomby · 09-01-2008, 05:50 PM

I'm pretty sure she heard a conversation I had with one of the returners about another girl who lived on our floor last year and my desire to reconnect with her, but I'm pretty sure that was probably the only the real "discouragement" I've given her.

Also a couple nights ago there was a conversation about guys who wouldn't realize that a girl liked them, and I mentioned that sometimes guys pretend not to realize for the reason of not wanting to let the girl down or break her heart.

Dux is not you · 09-01-2008, 06:01 PM

This happened to me a while ago. Said no, then lots of tears [EDIT: on her eyes], then I never thought about that again until now.

Bomby · 09-01-2008, 06:02 PM

Sorry for bringing back the painful memories, dux.

I've agreed to watch Kill Bill Vol. 2 with her. Hopefully she just wants to learn some of my film knowledge and it not actually interested in dating me.

Dux is not you · 09-01-2008, 06:07 PM

Painful? Heh.

I too thought she was just interested in my math skills that time she asked me to help with her homework.

StarryPeach · 09-01-2008, 06:13 PM

If this girl really does like you, then you're going to end up hurting her anyway. I think you should get across the fact that you're only interested in her as a friend (or acquaintance, however you want to put it). You might want to try to disinterest her as tactfullly as possible.

As for the movie? Just be on your guard...

Kil'jaeden · 09-01-2008, 06:44 PM

I'm going to bet that if you did decide to reject her at some point soon, you'd change your mind and regret doing it.

Eagle Eye · 09-01-2008, 07:38 PM

In a casual conversation strike up previous relationships and state how you aren't ready for one, but in a non-suggestive way. In other words, let her know you're not ready to be in a relationship without letting her know you're not ready to be in a relationship (with her) and see her reaction.

Dux is not you · 09-01-2008, 09:36 PM

^ Clarify

EDIT: And exemplify

Eagle Eye · 09-01-2008, 10:42 PM

Okay, just in a conversation, some how turn it into a relationships conversation (you know how convos can jump frmo subject to subject). Then mention some kind of past event and use that as a basis for stating that you're not ready for a relationship right now.

For example, I had the same situation a while ago, but in a random conversation we began talking about relationships and I stated hwo I wasn't ready for one, blah, blah, blah. She didn't really talk to me the same after that (not in a bad way, but in the less flirtatious way).

***Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds*** · 09-01-2008, 10:53 PM

Andre's on the right track, although that exact situation can bite you in the ass (saying you're not looking to be in a relationship, only to be interested in someone else next month).

Unfortunately, there is never an easy way for letting someone down if they've got a crush on you. There are a few ways you can go about it, depending on how serious you think she might be.

You could either tell her straight up that you don't want to give her the wrong impression: ask her over for another movie, but immediately say (casually), "Not like a date, or anything, just to hang out; I don't want to cause any misunderstanding." (though that might be too blunt for your liking).

Be honest: explain that you feel a little uncomfortable with how much attention she's been giving you, and just want to clarify that you want to be her friend. She might not take it well, but that's not something you can control.

If you don't want her to be... well, a close friend, you can always start being a bit cold towards her. *shrug* It's not the best advice I could suggest, but it's another option.

Finally, you can go out of your way to talk about another girl you're interested in. It let's this girl know your mind's on someone else (although, if she's the type, it might just make her think you're trying to make her jealous, or she thinks she can win you over, etc etc).

I think honesty might just be the best approach. You don't need to tell her you think she's got a crush on you; rather, that her attention has been a little intense, and while you'd like to be her friend, you're feeling a little weird/not used to it/first week of school, getting back into the socialising thing/whatever.

It's not a nice situation to be in, so I sympathise. Hope you figure out something that suits you, Bomby. *hugs*

User Name · 09-01-2008, 11:46 PM

I agree with EssDee on this one. I know from personal experience. There was this guy who was really sweet, but we'd been friends for a while and I liked just being his friend and I couldn't see him as anything more. He made a couple of moves on me like trying to kiss me after he dropped me off from a dance. It was really hard for me because I didn't want to hurt him and he thought I was on the same track as him.

I found time where we were alone and I told him nicely that I really just liked him as a friend and that I really wasn't looking for a relationship with him. He seemed to completely understand, but he's a guy so his emotions aren't as explicit.

It's such a hard thing to be assertive and let someone down easy, but once you do it, you'll be glad you did, because like you said, you don't want to lead them on for too long or the heartbreak will be worse.

Dux is not you · 09-02-2008, 12:10 PM

I really want to know how this will turn out.

***Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds*** · 09-03-2008, 12:13 AM

Should we get some popcorn?

Dux is not you · 09-03-2008, 12:26 AM

^ Wait, do you mean for us or for them?

Bomby · 09-03-2008, 11:26 AM

So far, nothing. She hasn't said anything. Thanks to classes starting she hasn't been able to constantly follow me around. I've began to get her into conversations with one of my other friends while I go do whatever I do.

Dux is not you · 09-03-2008, 01:21 PM

Yeah, let's make it someone else's problem.

Domus · 09-03-2008, 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Galefore

Honestly? This is one of those situations you will definitely need to handle with care. I went through the same thing about a year ago, so I know full well that anything other than letting her think she's safe to keep slowly building her hopes up is best. Directly rejecting may be a bit too much, depending on how stable she is, lying is just cruel, and slowly letting her down sometimes just lets it go on too long. Frankly, I had to finally just say 'no' to the one who was all over me, and it did not end well.

So really, it all depends. Sorry I can't be more helpful, just know that I sympathize with you on this one.

I agree.

This should be handle with care.

Bomby · 09-03-2008, 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dux_is_me

Yeah, let's make it someone else's problem.

Well, she's not really a problem or an undesirable person to be around. I just know that I don't feel that way about her. Hell, if it weren't for her homophobic tendencies, I might actually consider it.

09-01-2008, 05:25 PM	#1
Bomby You just freaking blew Joe Biden's mind! Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: WHAT?house Gender: Posts: 19,491 Thanks: 513 Thanked 1,449 Times in 849 Posts Blog Entries: 5	How to go about this... It would appear as if one of the new freshman girls has developed a bit of a crush on me. I'm not completely sure at this point, though I'm probably about 65-75% certain. I'm pretty sure at this point that I'm not interested in her in the same way, though it's also worth noting that I've only known her a few days. Also worth noting is that within those few days she's pretty much been constantly around me. Even now she's messaging me on AIM. In other words, I don't want to lead her on. She hasn't tried to make any obvious moves or intimate physical contact on me, so right now it seems like I'm in the safe, but if she were to cross a line that I would prefer she didn't cross, I'm not sure what the best way to handle it would be.

09-01-2008, 05:39 PM	#2
Galefore EXPLOSION GOD OF MUSIC Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Some studio somewhere Gender: Posts: 8,275 Thanks: 1,361 Thanked 826 Times in 535 Posts Blog Entries: 5	Honestly? This is one of those situations you will definitely need to handle with care. I went through the same thing about a year ago, so I know full well that anything other than letting her think she's safe to keep slowly building her hopes up is best. Directly rejecting may be a bit too much, depending on how stable she is, lying is just cruel, and slowly letting her down sometimes just lets it go on too long. Frankly, I had to finally just say 'no' to the one who was all over me, and it did not end well. So really, it all depends. Sorry I can't be more helpful, just know that I sympathize with you on this one.

09-01-2008, 05:50 PM	#3
Bomby You just freaking blew Joe Biden's mind! Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: WHAT?house Gender: Posts: 19,491 Thanks: 513 Thanked 1,449 Times in 849 Posts Blog Entries: 5	I'm pretty sure she heard a conversation I had with one of the returners about another girl who lived on our floor last year and my desire to reconnect with her, but I'm pretty sure that was probably the only the real "discouragement" I've given her. Also a couple nights ago there was a conversation about guys who wouldn't realize that a girl liked them, and I mentioned that sometimes guys pretend not to realize for the reason of not wanting to let the girl down or break her heart.

09-01-2008, 06:01 PM	#4
Dux is not you Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Not Columbia Gender: Posts: 1,976 Thanks: 92 Thanked 113 Times in 74 Posts Blog Entries: 1	This happened to me a while ago. Said no, then lots of tears [EDIT: on her eyes], then I never thought about that again until now.

09-01-2008, 06:02 PM	#5
Bomby You just freaking blew Joe Biden's mind! Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: WHAT?house Gender: Posts: 19,491 Thanks: 513 Thanked 1,449 Times in 849 Posts Blog Entries: 5	Sorry for bringing back the painful memories, dux. I've agreed to watch Kill Bill Vol. 2 with her. Hopefully she just wants to learn some of my film knowledge and it not actually interested in dating me.

09-01-2008, 06:07 PM	#6
Dux is not you Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Not Columbia Gender: Posts: 1,976 Thanks: 92 Thanked 113 Times in 74 Posts Blog Entries: 1	Painful? Heh. I too thought she was just interested in my math skills that time she asked me to help with her homework.

09-01-2008, 06:13 PM	#7
StarryPeach Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: Somewhere Gender: Posts: 7,639 Thanks: 771 Thanked 343 Times in 296 Posts	If this girl really does like you, then you're going to end up hurting her anyway. I think you should get across the fact that you're only interested in her as a friend (or acquaintance, however you want to put it). You might want to try to disinterest her as tactfullly as possible. As for the movie? Just be on your guard...

09-01-2008, 06:44 PM	#8
Kil'jaeden Member Join Date: May 2003 Location: in your mind Gender: Posts: 2,132 Thanks: 21 Thanked 146 Times in 99 Posts	I'm going to bet that if you did decide to reject her at some point soon, you'd change your mind and regret doing it.

09-01-2008, 07:38 PM	#9
Eagle Eye Diddy bops Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Birmingham, AL Gender: Posts: 15,014 Thanks: 1,616 Thanked 1,084 Times in 597 Posts	In a casual conversation strike up previous relationships and state how you aren't ready for one, but in a non-suggestive way. In other words, let her know you're not ready to be in a relationship without letting her know you're not ready to be in a relationship (with her) and see her reaction.

09-01-2008, 09:36 PM	#10
Dux is not you Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Not Columbia Gender: Posts: 1,976 Thanks: 92 Thanked 113 Times in 74 Posts Blog Entries: 1	^ Clarify EDIT: And exemplify

09-01-2008, 10:42 PM	#11
Eagle Eye Diddy bops Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Birmingham, AL Gender: Posts: 15,014 Thanks: 1,616 Thanked 1,084 Times in 597 Posts	Okay, just in a conversation, some how turn it into a relationships conversation (you know how convos can jump frmo subject to subject). Then mention some kind of past event and use that as a basis for stating that you're not ready for a relationship right now. For example, I had the same situation a while ago, but in a random conversation we began talking about relationships and I stated hwo I wasn't ready for one, blah, blah, blah. She didn't really talk to me the same after that (not in a bad way, but in the less flirtatious way).

09-03-2008, 12:13 AM	#15
*Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds* Admin "mine.. not yours. NO. MINE." Epic Ladynerd Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Forteresse de Valois Gender: Posts: 28,504 Thanks: 1,658 Thanked 1,820 Times in 1,042 Posts	Should we get some popcorn?

09-01-2008, 10:53 PM	#12
*Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds* Admin "mine.. not yours. NO. MINE." Epic Ladynerd Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Forteresse de Valois Gender: Posts: 28,504 Thanks: 1,658 Thanked 1,820 Times in 1,042 Posts	Andre's on the right track, although that exact situation can bite you in the ass (saying you're not looking to be in a relationship, only to be interested in someone else next month). Unfortunately, there is never an easy way for letting someone down if they've got a crush on you. There are a few ways you can go about it, depending on how serious you think she might be. You could either tell her straight up that you don't want to give her the wrong impression: ask her over for another movie, but immediately say (casually), "Not like a date, or anything, just to hang out; I don't want to cause any misunderstanding." (though that might be too blunt for your liking). Be honest: explain that you feel a little uncomfortable with how much attention she's been giving you, and just want to clarify that you want to be her friend. She might not take it well, but that's not something you can control. If you don't want her to be... well, a close friend, you can always start being a bit cold towards her. shrug It's not the best advice I could suggest, but it's another option. Finally, you can go out of your way to talk about another girl you're interested in. It let's this girl know your mind's on someone else (although, if she's the type, it might just make her think you're trying to make her jealous, or she thinks she can win you over, etc etc). I think honesty might just be the best approach. You don't need to tell her you think she's got a crush on you; rather, that her attention has been a little intense, and while you'd like to be her friend, you're feeling a little weird/not used to it/first week of school, getting back into the socialising thing/whatever. It's not a nice situation to be in, so I sympathise. Hope you figure out something that suits you, Bomby. hugs

09-01-2008, 11:46 PM	#13
User Name Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Gotham City Gender: Posts: 7,209 Thanks: 701 Thanked 536 Times in 367 Posts	I agree with EssDee on this one. I know from personal experience. There was this guy who was really sweet, but we'd been friends for a while and I liked just being his friend and I couldn't see him as anything more. He made a couple of moves on me like trying to kiss me after he dropped me off from a dance. It was really hard for me because I didn't want to hurt him and he thought I was on the same track as him. I found time where we were alone and I told him nicely that I really just liked him as a friend and that I really wasn't looking for a relationship with him. He seemed to completely understand, but he's a guy so his emotions aren't as explicit. It's such a hard thing to be assertive and let someone down easy, but once you do it, you'll be glad you did, because like you said, you don't want to lead them on for too long or the heartbreak will be worse.

09-02-2008, 12:10 PM	#14
Dux is not you Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Not Columbia Gender: Posts: 1,976 Thanks: 92 Thanked 113 Times in 74 Posts Blog Entries: 1	I really want to know how this will turn out.

09-03-2008, 12:26 AM	#16
Dux is not you Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Not Columbia Gender: Posts: 1,976 Thanks: 92 Thanked 113 Times in 74 Posts Blog Entries: 1	^ Wait, do you mean for us or for them?

09-03-2008, 11:26 AM	#17
Bomby You just freaking blew Joe Biden's mind! Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: WHAT?house Gender: Posts: 19,491 Thanks: 513 Thanked 1,449 Times in 849 Posts Blog Entries: 5	So far, nothing. She hasn't said anything. Thanks to classes starting she hasn't been able to constantly follow me around. I've began to get her into conversations with one of my other friends while I go do whatever I do.

09-03-2008, 01:21 PM	#18
Dux is not you Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Not Columbia Gender: Posts: 1,976 Thanks: 92 Thanked 113 Times in 74 Posts Blog Entries: 1	Yeah, let's make it someone else's problem.