Is age a difference? Cuz if so... my sis is ROYALLY f*ing up...

[Pyropunk]

Hey guys... so here's the deal... I don't know if anyone knows how old I am, but I'm 24... my sister is 19... and well... here's the fun part when she was 16 she was in the renaissance festival in Tampa... she worked food service and met a lot of people *of which she now stays in touch with like, ONE* Well, working there she "made friends" with this guy. We'll call him "fabio". While working there, they became close and she hung out with his friends that became her friends and she continued to work the renfest every year. Well, when she turned 18... the guy asked her out... Of course, she said yes cuz she was like "OMG HE"S SO HOTT BLAH BLAH BLAH" and of course, he HAD to wait til she was 18 cuz she was Jailbait til than... get where I'm going? Than she graduated H.S and moved in with him... IMMEDIATELY..NOW... they've been ENGAGED for the last several months, and they're getting married in May... *dies* Who wants to take a stab at how old he is??? Here's a pic:

Retired aged Fabio (who's... 39) on Left, my sister (19) on right...

NOW mind you, my sister SWEARS she's in love with him... she's also been on ANTI DEPRESSANTS for the last 4 months (3 different pills) and has had 6? PREGNANCY SCARES... The other hard thing is, when she graduated, she COULD HAVE BEEN A MODEL... she has had SO many possibilities thrown at her, and the sad thing was, she USED to be gorgeous *like, 5'9'', size 5, 135 lbs* now? she's just about pushing 300lbs... it makes me frigging DIE inside... I love my sister to death, but i just want to make sure that, I'm not the only one who thinks this is f*ing crazy? And no, I can't talk to her a bout it, I've tried, and gotten SCREAMED at... Yes i will love her and support her and when he either a. dies or b. leaves her like he has his other wife, I will be there to love her and hold her and support her like she did when my ex douche left me.

[Perrin Aybara]

Damn. Just, damn.-jay

[Cosmonautical]

I don't think age is the main problem here.

[Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds]

Okay, first thing's first: Destructive relationships occur regardless of any age difference. So try to get that part out of your head immediately; it shouldn't factor into your assessment of your sister's relationship, or problems, at all.

Unfortunately, there is very little you can do to help your sister if she doesn't want your help. In fact, if you push the issue too much, she might shut you out completely.

My first piece of advice is: don't blame everything that's happened on the guy. Sure, he might've been the catalyst, but if you keep thinking it's his fault that she's on anti-depressants, or put on weight, or "threw her future away", it will show in your own behaviour and your sister will only be compelled to defend him. Maybe rightfully so.

Secondly, she's young. She's going to make some mistakes in her life, as hard as that may be for you to watch. You can't live her life for her, and you can't protect her from the pain of reality, even if you have experience to go on. Unless she's the one making any decisions about this guy, everything you have to say will fall on deaf ears.

Finally, she might truly love him, even with everything that seems so wrong to you. Love doesn't discriminate, even if you think someone is the biggest jerk in the world. And you can't possibly have the full picture of what's going on in their life, and in her head.

Would it be as big of a deal if she had "six pregnancy scares" with someone her own age?

Let me be straight up with you on this... if your sister has only been getting crap from her family and friends about OH HE'S SO OLD THAT'S HORRIBLE, you're only making it worse. Age. Does. Not. Matter. What matters is the genuine relationship behind "big number 39". Are they in love? Are they (for the most part) happy together? Do you know what spurred your sister to reject modelling? Do you know what has caused her weight gain and depression?

Put yourself in her shoes for a minute. You're 18, you're interested in a guy. Everyone's telling you that it's awful, solely because he's older than you. You still think he's great. You date him, you move in with him, you love him, you're going to marry him. Everyone keeps telling you that you're making a mistake, you've ruined your chance at being a model, you're doing it all wrong.

Now, how do you feel?

Not everything is how it seems from the outside. There's still a possibility that her "problems" stem from elsewhere. Maybe she never truly wanted to be a model, or maybe her priorities changed, or maybe the freedom of getting out of highschool made her reassess everything she'd done so far and just rush straight on into whatever she wanted right there and then. Maybe she just wanted to do something for herself, without everyone else's prior approval. It's still a possibility that they care about each other, no matter what conclusions you have come to, or what you see from the outside. Hell, not everyone's idea of love and a working relationship is the same.

Look, I know a girl who's basically in the same situation you've described. Young, met a guy who's around 20 years her senior, moved in with him quickly, got engaged, got depressed, put on weight. Not all of her problems are to do with her boyfriend; she moved in with him to escape things at home, her depression came from a ****ty job and the shock of REAL LIFE (working, bills, money problems, compromsing, communicating and acting like a reasonable adult with someone who's had practice at that game for a few decades), put on weight because of medication and an unfortunate combination of bad diet and no exercise.

Is that to say her new boyfriend was entirely blameless? No, he could be a dick, and was impatient with her naivety, and wanted her to stop being a spoilt child, and supposedly said a lot of rough-sounding things to her. Did that factor into the changes in her emotional and physical state? Yes. Did that mean he was the worst person in the world for her? No. He's helped her deal with a lot of issues, and helped her grow up a lot, whereas on her own, she had no drive. After all that? She's still with him, three years down the road, and last I heard they were buying a house together and quite happy with their life. Did everything work out the way she dreamed when she was 18? Of course not. That's not how the cookie crumbles. Life turns out a lot different than we imagine, and there's a lot of things that can make a person depressed.

What I'm really trying to get across is that it's not your place to disapprove or blame this guy for anything going on with your sister. What you need to do is take her out for a coffee and ask her what's in her head. Ask her if she's okay. You need to be supportive EVEN IF SHE STAYS WITH HIM. Especially if she stays with him. She has her reasons, and if they're bad reasons, you still need to be there for her without disapproving every step of the way, fretting about something as inconsequental as age, and acting like she ruined everything just because she fell in love with someone.

If you see any signs that he's abusive, get help for her, however you can. Until then, it's her life.

Forget his age, stop being fatalistic about their relationship and try to be genuinely happy for her. You might be the ONLY person she knows who will do that, when everyone else is being critical of her and just making it worse. "USED to be gorgeous" about sums up what you're probably projecting at her now.

[Robotazy]

Huh.

Personally, there's nothing that can be done, unless he's doing something behind her back that you can catch him doing :/

[The Doctor]

Um... with a name like "fabio" and a wave like that, Age difference is the lest of anyones worries.

Yeah, age difference shouldn't matter to anyone.

[The 4th Musketeer]

Fabio looks a little *****.