My Mother

**Valigarmander** · 08-24-2009, 07:26 PM

By now I'm sure most of you about my mother, and how she's been battling cancer these last seven years. It's been a long fight, and she's been so brave and fought so hard this whole time. I'm so thankful she's still alive right now. In the past I never doubted once that she'd get better, that no matter how many times it resurged or reappeared, she'd be able to fight it off, and that one day she'll be all better. I'm well aware of the dangers of cancer and the survivability of it, but I'd always kept the thought of my mother dying out of sight and out of mind.

The other day I was doing housework over at my grandmother's. I came back in to ask my grandma about something, but she was busy on the phone. So I went to the other room, sat down and waited. While I was there, I could still hear her talking on the phone. At one point, the discussion turned to family matters, and then to my mom. I heard her say that some time recently, my mom had approached my dad to talk about "kicking the bucket". I also heard her say that my parents had funeral arrangements already paid for, should the worst happen. I left the room and didn't hear anymore.

So since then, I've started thinking more realistically... What if my mom doesn't survive? Really, how much longer does she probably have left? What would I do if she died? How can I prepare myself for something like that? I've been thinking about confronting my parents sometime, and asking not to be left in the dark anymore... If something's going on with my mom, I want to know. I'd rather know what was really going, even if it meant having to worry about it.

My mom's also been getting sick lately.

She's almost finished up with her chemo, although she cancelled her last appointment. Tomorrow, she's going in for a minor surgery. I offered to drive her, so we'll see how that goes.

I'll let you all know how things go from here. I guess I've just been in shock for a little while. This isn't something I want to have to deal with now, or ever. But if anyone has any experience or any advice about having to face the death of a parent, go ahead and share. And please keep my mom in your prayers.

Rainbow Dash · 08-24-2009, 07:56 PM

I hope everything turns out well.

Vgfian · 08-24-2009, 10:29 PM

I'll keep you guys in my prayers. Hope the surgeory goes well.
I'm afraid that I can't offer any advice on the matter of a parent dying though...

t3hDarkness · 08-25-2009, 02:59 AM

My grandfather battled cancer for a long time and beat it on sheer orneriness and tenacity.
The best thing you can do is be infectiously positive and supportive.
Nobody lives forever, but people can survive cancer.

About the confronting thing, go ahead, uncertainty is more painful than bad news.

Kargath · 08-25-2009, 05:50 AM

You just need to prepare yourself. IIRC you've had mental health troubles before with depression etc, so you'll probably take any possible death of your mother much harder than others would.

***Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds*** · 08-25-2009, 08:08 AM

Val, not to sound insensitive, but any of us could die, at any moment. People talk about "getting to say goodbye", but not many of us have the luxury of knowing when our death could come, and it's really just a symptom of people wishing they hadn't kept their feelings for the person to themselves.

My grandmother died earlier this year. I got to say my goodbyes when she had fallen into a coma, the night before she died. It didn't make it any easier, and I don't really think I feel, or felt, any better for it. It was still sudden. There was nothing obvious to let me know she heard me. I still feel guilty that I didn't get a chance to visit her more often in the weeks before her death. I still miss her and wish she was around.

What's the best thing you can do? Be open with your mother. Tell her you love her, show her you care. Extend that love to everyone you're close to. Talk about your fears of her dying, but always keep in mind that death is an unavoidable part of living, and it's okay to feel bad about it. It's okay to be angry, and hurt, and lonely. It's okay to hate everything sometimes. Your experience, and how you deal with it will be unique to you, but there will always be people around to support you. Just let them know what you need.

One of the best ways to deal with death, no matter who it is, is to continue talking about the person and remembering things with other people. Share stories, laugh and cry together. If you just stop talking about them, it might feel like they never existed, or just weren't important, which obviously isn't true. Many people are afraid to upset someone by mentioning the person they lost, but it's important to keep them in your heart and mind. Do what's right for you: put together a scrapbook of photos, plant a tree or a rosebush or a whole garden, have a park bench dedicated to your loved one, whatever helps you feel closer to them and honour the difference they made to your life.

Having the funeral paid for is a very reasonable thing to do- not because your mother's been battling an illness, but because funerals are ridiculously expensive, and take lots of preparation. You need to sign forms for everything, including approving what clothes are to be worn, and if they are allowed to be buried or cremated with jewellery on. The more you can arrange before death, the easier it is for everyone grieving, and is just a logical thing to prepare.

Just talk to your parents and explain that you would like to be aware of what the status really is, and what arrangements are in place, and if there is anything special they want or need from you. And remember, we all love you a pile. Even if it is internet love.

**Valigarmander** · 08-25-2009, 09:22 PM

Thanks, everybody.

The surgery was to get a port removed from her chest. They did that today, although her blood tests came back showing that there was a minor infection in the area. So, she's gonna be spending a couple nights in the hospital. Me and the rest of the family are going to visit her in about half an hour.

Jenocide · 08-27-2009, 07:11 AM

Hi... sorry I'm a little late, but I'd like to share my advice.

I think that Saria's advice was very good, and it was something that I needed to hear as well.
My mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was a Freshman in high school. She passed away this past May (nearly seven years later).

Sometimes, I still feel sad or lonely; but I try my best to stay busy when I have to and have fun when I can. I still think about her every day.

Honestly, I had the same determination that you described. I never thought my mom wouldn't make it until a week before she died... but I accepted that it might happen... because (like Saria said) any of us could die at any time.

While she was sick, I felt like my family was trying to protect me by keeping me in the dark as well. I think that talking will help. Communication is the best thing for any relationship.

Spend time with your mother and let her know you love her and support her. I know it's very hard living with someone who's sick, but spend time with her whenever you can.

You asked about facing the death of a parent... well, it's very hard, but it's something that's out of your hands. I think that you have to face death as a possibility, and do whatever you can for your mother during her struggles.

I'll keep your family in my prayers, Val

**Valigarmander** · 08-27-2009, 03:18 PM

Thanks again, everybody. My mom's home now, and doing okay. Apparently, the infection was E. coli. She's been resting a lot, but we think she'll be fine.

1-up Salesman · 08-28-2009, 09:38 PM

Well I hope it stays that way, bud. Sorry that you, her, and the rest of your family had to go through it. I'll pray for your mom, I mean it.

**Valigarmander** · 09-17-2009, 06:19 PM

Update. So, my mom got another CAT scan today, and apparently even after doing all this chemo these past few months, she's actually gotten a little bit worse. A new, tiny tumor has appeared on her liver (making a total of two on her liver). My mom's been really strong these past seven years of fighting the disease, but after this news she's been really down. She's obviously very emotionally drained from having to deal with this cancer for so long. Now, it seems like she's losing hope.

My dad talked to me earlier and mentioned a possibility that could be tried, but only if my mom wanted it. It would involve removing the infected lung entirely, and cutting off the part of her liver with the tumors. This would eliminate all tumors and put her into remission for the first time in years and give her a good chance at a few years peace. It'd be really serious surgery, but it's possible to live with only one lung, and it might be one of the better options now since the effectiveness of the chemotherapy seems to be declining. My parents have been talking about it.

I've been thinking about looking into different means of treatment. Anything I can learn, anything new, could be helpful. If any of you know anybody who's had successful treatment of their cancer, it'd be helpful if you shared. I'll keep updating.

***Cosmonautical*** · 09-19-2009, 12:57 AM

I would suggest dietary alternatives, but I don't know much about that kind of thing. Chemo isn't really the right choice in the first place, imo, because the cancer is a part of you and using it is a total crapshoot - they're just hoping it kills the cancer before it kills you. Best of luck, man.

Random User · 09-26-2009, 12:52 PM

Although Ive never lost a parent, my baby brother died of premature birth. I excepted it would most likly turn for the worst. life can suck. I`ll be praying for you.

I REALLY HATE POKEMON! · 09-26-2009, 04:56 PM

I thought I already put something here...

Well, I wish your family the best.

The Spark · 10-05-2009, 08:42 PM

Speaking of which, how are things going with that Valmander?

**Valigarmander** · 10-05-2009, 08:46 PM

Things are going okay right now. I haven't heard anything new about what my parents are planning on doing, though.

The Spark · 10-05-2009, 08:57 PM

That's good to here. I wish the best for your mother =).

Metal Mario · 10-05-2009, 09:03 PM

Yikes. This is the first time I've heard about your mom, Val. Really sorry for everything that she and you and the rest of your family must be going through. I'm glad that things have seemingly improved a bit since you started this thread, however.

As for the removal of a lung, well.......John Wayne had it done, and that was back in the 1960s, and it worked out pretty well for him.

Anyway, I wish you the best.

FlipSwitch · 10-06-2009, 05:45 PM

Sorry about your mom Val. My mom had a huge tumor in her head about two months ago. She survived, but she lost her taste buds. It just isn't good.

But your mom... your mom is like gold. You don't want to let her go. But... someday in our live, we'll die. If I were you, i'd treat your mom the best you ever treated anyone.

My prayers are with you.

The Flattest Pancake · 10-06-2009, 06:55 PM

Best wishes to your mom!

Yes, me and Mr. M both know how you feel. But bro, you got a part wrong. She had six tiny tumors and one large one. Luckily, the litter was taken out! Woohoo! Our mom had a rare type. It was devistating. But now, she's back to normal.

We give your mom our prayers, and thoughts will always be with her.

08-24-2009, 07:26 PM	#1
Valigarmander The Bee's Knees Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: The land of rain and trees (Oregon) Gender: Posts: 29,755 Thanks: 1,649 Thanked 5,700 Times in 2,580 Posts Blog Entries: 20	My Mother By now I'm sure most of you about my mother, and how she's been battling cancer these last seven years. It's been a long fight, and she's been so brave and fought so hard this whole time. I'm so thankful she's still alive right now. In the past I never doubted once that she'd get better, that no matter how many times it resurged or reappeared, she'd be able to fight it off, and that one day she'll be all better. I'm well aware of the dangers of cancer and the survivability of it, but I'd always kept the thought of my mother dying out of sight and out of mind. The other day I was doing housework over at my grandmother's. I came back in to ask my grandma about something, but she was busy on the phone. So I went to the other room, sat down and waited. While I was there, I could still hear her talking on the phone. At one point, the discussion turned to family matters, and then to my mom. I heard her say that some time recently, my mom had approached my dad to talk about "kicking the bucket". I also heard her say that my parents had funeral arrangements already paid for, should the worst happen. I left the room and didn't hear anymore. So since then, I've started thinking more realistically... What if my mom doesn't survive? Really, how much longer does she probably have left? What would I do if she died? How can I prepare myself for something like that? I've been thinking about confronting my parents sometime, and asking not to be left in the dark anymore... If something's going on with my mom, I want to know. I'd rather know what was really going, even if it meant having to worry about it. My mom's also been getting sick lately. She's almost finished up with her chemo, although she cancelled her last appointment. Tomorrow, she's going in for a minor surgery. I offered to drive her, so we'll see how that goes. I'll let you all know how things go from here. I guess I've just been in shock for a little while. This isn't something I want to have to deal with now, or ever. But if anyone has any experience or any advice about having to face the death of a parent, go ahead and share. And please keep my mom in your prayers.

08-24-2009, 07:56 PM	#2
Rainbow Dash been dreamin', i've been waitin' Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: a bomb-ass cloud house bachelorette pad Gender: Posts: 24,401 Thanks: 173 Thanked 1,179 Times in 716 Posts	I hope everything turns out well.

08-24-2009, 10:29 PM	#3
Vgfian Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Listening to Seeking 7 Seven and giving out free hugs. :) Gender: Posts: 6,862 Thanks: 2,433 Thanked 398 Times in 311 Posts	I'll keep you guys in my prayers. Hope the surgeory goes well. I'm afraid that I can't offer any advice on the matter of a parent dying though...

08-25-2009, 02:59 AM	#4
t3hDarkness Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: I weep oily black tears of joy. Gender: Posts: 7,590 Thanks: 119 Thanked 418 Times in 306 Posts Blog Entries: 5	My grandfather battled cancer for a long time and beat it on sheer orneriness and tenacity. The best thing you can do is be infectiously positive and supportive. Nobody lives forever, but people can survive cancer. About the confronting thing, go ahead, uncertainty is more painful than bad news.

08-25-2009, 05:50 AM	#5
Kargath et in Arcadia ego Join Date: Jul 2001 Gender: Posts: 8,334 Thanks: 1,226 Thanked 780 Times in 488 Posts	You just need to prepare yourself. IIRC you've had mental health troubles before with depression etc, so you'll probably take any possible death of your mother much harder than others would.

08-25-2009, 08:08 AM	#6
*Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds* Admin "mine.. not yours. NO. MINE." Epic Ladynerd Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Forteresse de Valois Gender: Posts: 28,504 Thanks: 1,658 Thanked 1,820 Times in 1,042 Posts	Val, not to sound insensitive, but any of us could die, at any moment. People talk about "getting to say goodbye", but not many of us have the luxury of knowing when our death could come, and it's really just a symptom of people wishing they hadn't kept their feelings for the person to themselves. My grandmother died earlier this year. I got to say my goodbyes when she had fallen into a coma, the night before she died. It didn't make it any easier, and I don't really think I feel, or felt, any better for it. It was still sudden. There was nothing obvious to let me know she heard me. I still feel guilty that I didn't get a chance to visit her more often in the weeks before her death. I still miss her and wish she was around. What's the best thing you can do? Be open with your mother. Tell her you love her, show her you care. Extend that love to everyone you're close to. Talk about your fears of her dying, but always keep in mind that death is an unavoidable part of living, and it's okay to feel bad about it. It's okay to be angry, and hurt, and lonely. It's okay to hate everything sometimes. Your experience, and how you deal with it will be unique to you, but there will always be people around to support you. Just let them know what you need. One of the best ways to deal with death, no matter who it is, is to continue talking about the person and remembering things with other people. Share stories, laugh and cry together. If you just stop talking about them, it might feel like they never existed, or just weren't important, which obviously isn't true. Many people are afraid to upset someone by mentioning the person they lost, but it's important to keep them in your heart and mind. Do what's right for you: put together a scrapbook of photos, plant a tree or a rosebush or a whole garden, have a park bench dedicated to your loved one, whatever helps you feel closer to them and honour the difference they made to your life. Having the funeral paid for is a very reasonable thing to do- not because your mother's been battling an illness, but because funerals are ridiculously expensive, and take lots of preparation. You need to sign forms for everything, including approving what clothes are to be worn, and if they are allowed to be buried or cremated with jewellery on. The more you can arrange before death, the easier it is for everyone grieving, and is just a logical thing to prepare. Just talk to your parents and explain that you would like to be aware of what the status really is, and what arrangements are in place, and if there is anything special they want or need from you. And remember, we all love you a pile. Even if it is internet love.

08-25-2009, 09:22 PM	#7
Valigarmander The Bee's Knees Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: The land of rain and trees (Oregon) Gender: Posts: 29,755 Thanks: 1,649 Thanked 5,700 Times in 2,580 Posts Blog Entries: 20	Thanks, everybody. The surgery was to get a port removed from her chest. They did that today, although her blood tests came back showing that there was a minor infection in the area. So, she's gonna be spending a couple nights in the hospital. Me and the rest of the family are going to visit her in about half an hour.

08-27-2009, 07:11 AM	#8
Jenocide Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: In the glovebox. Gender: Posts: 635 Thanks: 69 Thanked 97 Times in 68 Posts Blog Entries: 21	Hi... sorry I'm a little late, but I'd like to share my advice. I think that Saria's advice was very good, and it was something that I needed to hear as well. My mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was a Freshman in high school. She passed away this past May (nearly seven years later). Sometimes, I still feel sad or lonely; but I try my best to stay busy when I have to and have fun when I can. I still think about her every day. Honestly, I had the same determination that you described. I never thought my mom wouldn't make it until a week before she died... but I accepted that it might happen... because (like Saria said) any of us could die at any time. While she was sick, I felt like my family was trying to protect me by keeping me in the dark as well. I think that talking will help. Communication is the best thing for any relationship. Spend time with your mother and let her know you love her and support her. I know it's very hard living with someone who's sick, but spend time with her whenever you can. You asked about facing the death of a parent... well, it's very hard, but it's something that's out of your hands. I think that you have to face death as a possibility, and do whatever you can for your mother during her struggles. I'll keep your family in my prayers, Val

08-27-2009, 03:18 PM	#9
Valigarmander The Bee's Knees Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: The land of rain and trees (Oregon) Gender: Posts: 29,755 Thanks: 1,649 Thanked 5,700 Times in 2,580 Posts Blog Entries: 20	Thanks again, everybody. My mom's home now, and doing okay. Apparently, the infection was E. coli. She's been resting a lot, but we think she'll be fine.

08-28-2009, 09:38 PM	#10
1-up Salesman Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Letting you guys know that I'm planning on continuing Attack of the Spammers soon. Gender: Posts: 4,095 Thanks: 2,162 Thanked 250 Times in 194 Posts Blog Entries: 9	Well I hope it stays that way, bud. Sorry that you, her, and the rest of your family had to go through it. I'll pray for your mom, I mean it.

09-17-2009, 06:19 PM	#11
Valigarmander The Bee's Knees Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: The land of rain and trees (Oregon) Gender: Posts: 29,755 Thanks: 1,649 Thanked 5,700 Times in 2,580 Posts Blog Entries: 20	Update. So, my mom got another CAT scan today, and apparently even after doing all this chemo these past few months, she's actually gotten a little bit worse. A new, tiny tumor has appeared on her liver (making a total of two on her liver). My mom's been really strong these past seven years of fighting the disease, but after this news she's been really down. She's obviously very emotionally drained from having to deal with this cancer for so long. Now, it seems like she's losing hope. My dad talked to me earlier and mentioned a possibility that could be tried, but only if my mom wanted it. It would involve removing the infected lung entirely, and cutting off the part of her liver with the tumors. This would eliminate all tumors and put her into remission for the first time in years and give her a good chance at a few years peace. It'd be really serious surgery, but it's possible to live with only one lung, and it might be one of the better options now since the effectiveness of the chemotherapy seems to be declining. My parents have been talking about it. I've been thinking about looking into different means of treatment. Anything I can learn, anything new, could be helpful. If any of you know anybody who's had successful treatment of their cancer, it'd be helpful if you shared. I'll keep updating.

09-19-2009, 12:57 AM	#12
*Cosmonautical* Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: I rub my tilde all over your asterisk Gender: Posts: 28,100 Thanks: 2,151 Thanked 5,338 Times in 2,433 Posts	I would suggest dietary alternatives, but I don't know much about that kind of thing. Chemo isn't really the right choice in the first place, imo, because the cancer is a part of you and using it is a total crapshoot - they're just hoping it kills the cancer before it kills you. Best of luck, man.

09-26-2009, 12:52 PM	#13
Random User Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Equestrian Republic of Spanglidesh Gender: Posts: 3,562 Thanks: 320 Thanked 195 Times in 143 Posts Blog Entries: 4	Although Ive never lost a parent, my baby brother died of premature birth. I excepted it would most likly turn for the worst. life can suck. I`ll be praying for you.

09-26-2009, 04:56 PM	#14
I REALLY HATE POKEMON! Goku lives on the Sun Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: California, U.S.A Gender: Posts: 12,717 Thanks: 1,334 Thanked 275 Times in 234 Posts Blog Entries: 1	I thought I already put something here... Well, I wish your family the best.

10-05-2009, 08:42 PM	#15
The Spark Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: At the bottom of the shipping address list Gender: Posts: 1,743 Thanks: 156 Thanked 74 Times in 54 Posts	Speaking of which, how are things going with that Valmander?

10-05-2009, 08:46 PM	#16
Valigarmander The Bee's Knees Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: The land of rain and trees (Oregon) Gender: Posts: 29,755 Thanks: 1,649 Thanked 5,700 Times in 2,580 Posts Blog Entries: 20	Things are going okay right now. I haven't heard anything new about what my parents are planning on doing, though.

10-05-2009, 08:57 PM	#17
The Spark Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: At the bottom of the shipping address list Gender: Posts: 1,743 Thanks: 156 Thanked 74 Times in 54 Posts	That's good to here. I wish the best for your mother =).

10-05-2009, 09:03 PM	#18
Metal Mario Veteran Member Join Date: Dec 1999 Gender: Posts: 16,435 Thanks: 72 Thanked 190 Times in 127 Posts	Yikes. This is the first time I've heard about your mom, Val. Really sorry for everything that she and you and the rest of your family must be going through. I'm glad that things have seemingly improved a bit since you started this thread, however. As for the removal of a lung, well.......John Wayne had it done, and that was back in the 1960s, and it worked out pretty well for him. Anyway, I wish you the best.

10-06-2009, 05:45 PM	#19
FlipSwitch Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Looking forward. Gender: Posts: 1,432 Thanks: 20 Thanked 21 Times in 18 Posts Blog Entries: 12	Sorry about your mom Val. My mom had a huge tumor in her head about two months ago. She survived, but she lost her taste buds. It just isn't good. But your mom... your mom is like gold. You don't want to let her go. But... someday in our live, we'll die. If I were you, i'd treat your mom the best you ever treated anyone. My prayers are with you.

10-06-2009, 06:55 PM	#20
The Flattest Pancake Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: (insert something witty here) Gender: Posts: 1,391 Thanks: 97 Thanked 25 Times in 23 Posts Blog Entries: 8	Best wishes to your mom! Yes, me and Mr. M both know how you feel. But bro, you got a part wrong. She had six tiny tumors and one large one. Luckily, the litter was taken out! Woohoo! Our mom had a rare type. It was devistating. But now, she's back to normal. We give your mom our prayers, and thoughts will always be with her.