Living together before marriage - thoughts?

ZeldaGirl · 04-05-2011, 11:45 PM

For my thesis, part of my research included investigating these statistics. Most show that couples living together before marriage can be detrimental to a relationship, leading to a breaking off of the relationship before marriage, or the marriage being at an increased risk for divorce. But new trends also show that couples who cohabit with the intention of marrying soon, and only cohabiting for a short time while having a strong commitment to one another have the same success rate as couples who wait to live together until they are married.

So, my question is this - what are your personal thoughts on the topic? Is it right? Wrong? Is there a gray area?

This may or may not be a personal question...>_>

***Cosmonautical*** · 04-05-2011, 11:53 PM

If anyone tells me it's wrong, they're directly insulting me. Just saying. Even before I married (and especially up to), I was pretty sick of hearing opinions on the subject from people that've never known a truly happy relationship.

***Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds*** · 04-05-2011, 11:54 PM

Well, I only have my own experience to go on for this one, which is already out of the ordinary. Nevertheless, AI and I lived together for six weeks before we got married, and having the wedding itself didn't change anything between us. We probably fall within the range of "short time", and for whatever it's worth, we're approaching four and a half years of marriage.

I think if there is a trend towards long-term living together before the wedding coinciding with relationship problems, it probably has a lot to do with the perception that being married will be something different. If you live together for a short time before you get married, your life changes are happening so close together that marriage just adds to the change in relationship dynamics. If you've already been living together, though, and expect something to change with the wedding, then you're setting yourself up for disappointment and unrealistic expectations.

Bomby · 04-05-2011, 11:57 PM

Honestly, I think it's kind of a bad idea not to, although I guess the numbers are kind of against me.

Fairlight Excalibur · 04-06-2011, 12:09 AM

It is wrong, based on my religious inclinations. I will readily admit that I have not researched any statistics, however, my relationship has been happy and stable for years despite having never lived together (or even spent the night together for that matter) prior to marriage.

Apparently, you can have a solid relationship either way.

ZeldaGirl · 04-06-2011, 12:20 AM

^Thanks for sharing.

I'd like to hear reasons for both. Why is it good? Why is it bad? Beyond just 'religious', I guess.

Fairlight Excalibur · 04-06-2011, 12:35 AM

I am being beckoned away from my computer as we speak, so I will provide a list of reasons (both religious and otherwise) for your consideration (and possible amusement) tomorrow morning. Maybe.

Also, why are you not playing mafia with us this time around?

Bomby · 04-06-2011, 12:42 AM

My whole reason for believing that living together before marriage is a good thing is because it should be a good test run for what marriage is going to be like. It may even be a good thing that the couples who lived together broke up - they might have found that they were not a good match at all. I imagine it's a bit easier to move away to two separate places as an unmarried couple than it is to get a divorce.

Also, waiting until marriage to live together can also be a sign of the same types of values that would discourage the institution of divorce in the first place, no matter what the circumstances.

ZeldaGirl · 04-06-2011, 03:31 AM

^^About to graduate, so I'm super busy. Sorry - next time.

Thanks, both of you.

User Name · 04-06-2011, 07:18 AM

I agree with Bomby. If you can't live together before marriage, what makes anyone think that putting a ring on it will change your living conditions? I do think it depends on the couple though. Some people need the stability that a marriage brings because it means permanency. I've seen other couples live together for years and then get married and nothing really changed except maybe that they grew more mature as a couple.

**Loot** · 04-06-2011, 10:26 AM

Nothing "wrong" with it, methinks, but it seems to be more of something that should be decided by the couple.

Like I mentioned before, two of my friends are now living together in their own apartment. A little soon, maybe, but it seems like their relationship has been real stable lately.

**Deku Trii** · 04-06-2011, 10:53 AM

I basically lived with my wife and her roommate for a few years during college. Nobody has ever really explained the religious opposition to the practice to me, unless there's an assumption of premarital sex involved.

I don't have a basis for comparison, but I don't think it has caused any problems between us.

***Cosmonautical*** · 04-06-2011, 11:02 AM

Nope, sorry Deku, gotta get divorced now. Them's the brakes.

***Marilink*** · 04-06-2011, 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deku Trii

I basically lived with my wife and her roommate for a few years during college. Nobody has ever really explained the religious opposition to the practice to me, unless there's an assumption of premarital sex involved.

I don't have a basis for comparison, but I don't think it has caused any problems between us.

It's not necessarily the assumption of premarital sex, but it's the impression that could it could possibly give off to other people. You don't want to cause offense, basically.

**Deku Trii** · 04-06-2011, 12:49 PM

How's about I see where this one goes, and if it doesn't work out I'll agree not to move in with my next wife even after we're married?

Bomby · 04-06-2011, 05:18 PM

I'm also a large proponent of premarital sex, by the way.

ZeldaGirl · 04-06-2011, 05:46 PM

Quote:

You don't want to cause offense, basically.

Psh. People are offended by anything and everything. It's just something I can't wrap my mind around - why does that offend someone else - something that has no actual impact on that other person? I could understand them being concerned for someone's soul or whatever, but offense?

Quote:

I'm also a large proponent of premarital sex, by the way.

I agree - that plays a huge part in knowing if a relationship will last.

heh · 04-06-2011, 06:34 PM

re: your statistics in the OP: don't think "breaking up before even marrying" is a valid statistic for "failed marriage due to living together" because nothing in those cases say they would not break up even if they married before moving in. I bet if you removed those cases from the study the final result would go the other way.

Its kind of a difficult thing to study because you don't have a rewind button for relationships

also i don't think its wrong anyway

**Valigarmander** · 04-06-2011, 06:41 PM

I think living together before marriage is fine. But after marriage, they should live apart from each other.

***Marilink*** · 04-06-2011, 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZeldaGirl

I could understand them being concerned for someone's soul or whatever, but offense?

Isn't that basically the same thing in a case like this?

04-05-2011, 11:45 PM	#1
ZeldaGirl Awesome member Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Why do YOU want to know...? Gender: Posts: 15,896 Thanks: 1,130 Thanked 1,919 Times in 1,046 Posts	Living together before marriage - thoughts? For my thesis, part of my research included investigating these statistics. Most show that couples living together before marriage can be detrimental to a relationship, leading to a breaking off of the relationship before marriage, or the marriage being at an increased risk for divorce. But new trends also show that couples who cohabit with the intention of marrying soon, and only cohabiting for a short time while having a strong commitment to one another have the same success rate as couples who wait to live together until they are married. So, my question is this - what are your personal thoughts on the topic? Is it right? Wrong? Is there a gray area? This may or may not be a personal question...>_>

04-06-2011, 12:09 AM	#5
Fairlight Excalibur Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: LA Gender: Posts: 880 Thanks: 72 Thanked 111 Times in 82 Posts Blog Entries: 1	You all probably knew this was coming, but... It is wrong, based on my religious inclinations. I will readily admit that I have not researched any statistics, however, my relationship has been happy and stable for years despite having never lived together (or even spent the night together for that matter) prior to marriage. Apparently, you can have a solid relationship either way.

04-05-2011, 11:53 PM	#2
*Cosmonautical* Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: I rub my tilde all over your asterisk Gender: Posts: 28,100 Thanks: 2,156 Thanked 5,338 Times in 2,433 Posts	If anyone tells me it's wrong, they're directly insulting me. Just saying. Even before I married (and especially up to), I was pretty sick of hearing opinions on the subject from people that've never known a truly happy relationship.

04-05-2011, 11:54 PM	#3
*Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds* Admin "mine.. not yours. NO. MINE." Epic Ladynerd Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Forteresse de Valois Gender: Posts: 28,504 Thanks: 1,658 Thanked 1,820 Times in 1,042 Posts	Well, I only have my own experience to go on for this one, which is already out of the ordinary. Nevertheless, AI and I lived together for six weeks before we got married, and having the wedding itself didn't change anything between us. We probably fall within the range of "short time", and for whatever it's worth, we're approaching four and a half years of marriage. I think if there is a trend towards long-term living together before the wedding coinciding with relationship problems, it probably has a lot to do with the perception that being married will be something different. If you live together for a short time before you get married, your life changes are happening so close together that marriage just adds to the change in relationship dynamics. If you've already been living together, though, and expect something to change with the wedding, then you're setting yourself up for disappointment and unrealistic expectations.

04-05-2011, 11:57 PM	#4
Bomby You just freaking blew Joe Biden's mind! Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: WHAT?house Gender: Posts: 19,491 Thanks: 513 Thanked 1,449 Times in 849 Posts Blog Entries: 5	Honestly, I think it's kind of a bad idea not to, although I guess the numbers are kind of against me.

04-06-2011, 12:20 AM	#6
ZeldaGirl Awesome member Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Why do YOU want to know...? Gender: Posts: 15,896 Thanks: 1,130 Thanked 1,919 Times in 1,046 Posts	^Thanks for sharing. I'd like to hear reasons for both. Why is it good? Why is it bad? Beyond just 'religious', I guess.

04-06-2011, 12:35 AM	#7
Fairlight Excalibur Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: LA Gender: Posts: 880 Thanks: 72 Thanked 111 Times in 82 Posts Blog Entries: 1	I am being beckoned away from my computer as we speak, so I will provide a list of reasons (both religious and otherwise) for your consideration (and possible amusement) tomorrow morning. Maybe. Also, why are you not playing mafia with us this time around?

04-06-2011, 12:42 AM	#8
Bomby You just freaking blew Joe Biden's mind! Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: WHAT?house Gender: Posts: 19,491 Thanks: 513 Thanked 1,449 Times in 849 Posts Blog Entries: 5	My whole reason for believing that living together before marriage is a good thing is because it should be a good test run for what marriage is going to be like. It may even be a good thing that the couples who lived together broke up - they might have found that they were not a good match at all. I imagine it's a bit easier to move away to two separate places as an unmarried couple than it is to get a divorce. Also, waiting until marriage to live together can also be a sign of the same types of values that would discourage the institution of divorce in the first place, no matter what the circumstances.

04-06-2011, 03:31 AM	#9
ZeldaGirl Awesome member Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Why do YOU want to know...? Gender: Posts: 15,896 Thanks: 1,130 Thanked 1,919 Times in 1,046 Posts	^^About to graduate, so I'm super busy. Sorry - next time. Thanks, both of you.

04-06-2011, 07:18 AM	#10
User Name Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Gotham City Gender: Posts: 7,209 Thanks: 701 Thanked 536 Times in 367 Posts	I agree with Bomby. If you can't live together before marriage, what makes anyone think that putting a ring on it will change your living conditions? I do think it depends on the couple though. Some people need the stability that a marriage brings because it means permanency. I've seen other couples live together for years and then get married and nothing really changed except maybe that they grew more mature as a couple.

04-06-2011, 10:26 AM	#11
Loot Apparently I'm a mod? Join Date: May 2001 Location: LEGITIMATE BUSINESS Gender: Posts: 13,208 Thanks: 236 Thanked 1,237 Times in 659 Posts	Nothing "wrong" with it, methinks, but it seems to be more of something that should be decided by the couple. Like I mentioned before, two of my friends are now living together in their own apartment. A little soon, maybe, but it seems like their relationship has been real stable lately.

04-06-2011, 10:53 AM	#12
Deku Trii PP&R Mod Current Events Mod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Texas Gender: Posts: 9,031 Thanks: 521 Thanked 1,099 Times in 583 Posts	I basically lived with my wife and her roommate for a few years during college. Nobody has ever really explained the religious opposition to the practice to me, unless there's an assumption of premarital sex involved. I don't have a basis for comparison, but I don't think it has caused any problems between us.

04-06-2011, 11:02 AM	#13
*Cosmonautical* Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: I rub my tilde all over your asterisk Gender: Posts: 28,100 Thanks: 2,156 Thanked 5,338 Times in 2,433 Posts	Nope, sorry Deku, gotta get divorced now. Them's the brakes.

04-06-2011, 12:49 PM	#15
Deku Trii PP&R Mod Current Events Mod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Texas Gender: Posts: 9,031 Thanks: 521 Thanked 1,099 Times in 583 Posts	How's about I see where this one goes, and if it doesn't work out I'll agree not to move in with my next wife even after we're married?

04-06-2011, 05:18 PM	#16
Bomby You just freaking blew Joe Biden's mind! Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: WHAT?house Gender: Posts: 19,491 Thanks: 513 Thanked 1,449 Times in 849 Posts Blog Entries: 5	I'm also a large proponent of premarital sex, by the way.

04-06-2011, 06:34 PM	#18
heh Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: lo-ca-tion; Noun- 1. a place or situation occupied: That house is in a fine location Gender: Posts: 9,849 Thanks: 710 Thanked 955 Times in 628 Posts	re: your statistics in the OP: don't think "breaking up before even marrying" is a valid statistic for "failed marriage due to living together" because nothing in those cases say they would not break up even if they married before moving in. I bet if you removed those cases from the study the final result would go the other way. Its kind of a difficult thing to study because you don't have a rewind button for relationships also i don't think its wrong anyway

04-06-2011, 06:41 PM	#19
Valigarmander The Bee's Knees Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: The land of rain and trees (Oregon) Gender: Posts: 29,755 Thanks: 1,649 Thanked 5,701 Times in 2,581 Posts Blog Entries: 20	I think living together before marriage is fine. But after marriage, they should live apart from each other.