Possibly the most generic of relationship questions

**NintendoNut** · 10-30-2011, 10:22 AM

I've known a girl at my university for about 2 years now. Since we first met we've been friends but we've only really spoken to each other when we've been in the same class, because of how socially rubbish I've been in the past. About a year and a half ago, I was hinting towards spending more time with her but just didn't feel like I was getting the interest back in return. In her defense, it was during the end of our first year at uni, which is crunch time for assignments and exams and such, and she has always been quite anxious about doing well in her studies. Despite this I did keep up contact with her.

Since Easter however, we've been talking more and more, typified by her inviting me to her house for dinner after I bought her and her housemate an Easter egg each (I know, how cute). Sadly I wasn't really able to enjoy that evening because it was the night before my driving test, so I was pretty subdued by nerves. But since that time around 5 months ago we've been in pretty regular contact and I've wanted to make it clear that I just want to spend more time with her. Nothing really makes me happier at the moment than the thought of being with this girl.

Anyway, I want to know what you say to a girl who you've known for 2 years but have never really had the courage to ask out. Normally, I'd be fairly sure about just asking them out for coffee or lunch or whatever, but it doesn't feel like those rules apply for some reason. Is this whole thing just a lost cause? Should I have abandoned it after my first attempt? I'm calling upon this great meeting of the minds again for some help, your input would be seriously appreciated.

**Deku Trii** · 10-30-2011, 10:51 AM

I can't tell you what you should say, but I once started dating this one other girl because I misread the signals and thought the girl I ended up marrying wasn't interested. It sounds like you really like her. Could be worth it to put yourself out there and find out for sure.

***The Doctor*** · 10-30-2011, 01:08 PM

Can't tell you what to say, but you should ask her out at least. Maybe even write out what you want to say to her.

"Do you want to meet me for a coffee sometime?" Then after a few mins after sitting in the cafe, say to her that you really like her and....(and this is the best bit since you've already said this to us)...Nothing really makes me happier at the moment than the thought of being with this girl. Maybe not word it like that, but don't go too far from the truth.

Hope it goes well.

**NintendoNut** · 10-30-2011, 03:53 PM

I'm wary of going a bit too overboard though, cos I don't want to end up just plain freaking her out if I tell her 'nothing makes me happier than when I'm with you'.

And I get that you can't tell me exactly what to say, nobody can. I just wondered if the 'rules' change between asking out a girl who you haven't known for very long and a girl who you've known for a long time.

**Deku Trii** · 10-31-2011, 12:29 AM

I'd probably just ask her if she would like to go out on a date and see how she responds. Tell her you like her and you think she'd make you happy, if she's interested. I'd say hold off on the 'nothing makes me happier' stuff unless she responds like she's been wanting you to ask her out for a while. It might be a lot of pressure if she's not interested, or hasn't had a crush on you but would be interested in seeing if there's something between you.

I'm hardly an expert, though. I've been with the same girl for over 6 years, and before that I mostly dated girls who made it very clear that they liked me.

***The Doctor*** · 10-31-2011, 06:30 AM

Like I said probably don't word it like that.

***Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds*** · 10-31-2011, 09:52 AM

Well, you can either make it official and date-like, or you can simply do what you said you wanted: spend more time with her.

Asking a friend on a date depends on what your current relationship with her is. If you're close and talk a lot, it might not feel "right" to just ask her out, as simple as that. There's nothing wrong with adding in a bit of romance to the notion: bring her a single flower and ask her if she'd like to join you on a date.

If you want to ease into things, either to test the waters or to get a better feel for where you want to take the relationship, it's perfectly fine to just organise to hang out more frequently. Call her and say you'll be free on this day, and did she want to catch up. Invite her over, not just with a relationship in mind, but also as a friend. Then you might be able to either see if she's interested, or be able to express your feelings without words getting in the way as much. Body language, behaviour, and little gestures like touching her hand, smiling at her, and being considerate of her (chivalry, opening doors, etc) will show that she's special to you.

Sometimes these things just kind of "happen" on their own between friends who do fall in love. You can give it space to work that way, or you can direct it intentionally towards a relationship. Of course you should try again now that things have settled down for you both.

Good luck, bro!

**NintendoNut** · 10-31-2011, 12:31 PM

Sis, that's great advice. I'm getting the impression that a lot of this is gonna be through actions rather than words, which may well suit me fine. Anyway, it's her birthday next week, so I'm giving her a card and some chocolate (she loves food in general). So I'll probably carry along that sort of vein and see where we get to.

10-30-2011, 10:22 AM	#1
NintendoNut PC Games and Tech Mod Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Hold on, I know this..... Gender: Posts: 8,655 Thanks: 108 Thanked 85 Times in 56 Posts	Possibly the most generic of relationship questions I've known a girl at my university for about 2 years now. Since we first met we've been friends but we've only really spoken to each other when we've been in the same class, because of how socially rubbish I've been in the past. About a year and a half ago, I was hinting towards spending more time with her but just didn't feel like I was getting the interest back in return. In her defense, it was during the end of our first year at uni, which is crunch time for assignments and exams and such, and she has always been quite anxious about doing well in her studies. Despite this I did keep up contact with her. Since Easter however, we've been talking more and more, typified by her inviting me to her house for dinner after I bought her and her housemate an Easter egg each (I know, how cute). Sadly I wasn't really able to enjoy that evening because it was the night before my driving test, so I was pretty subdued by nerves. But since that time around 5 months ago we've been in pretty regular contact and I've wanted to make it clear that I just want to spend more time with her. Nothing really makes me happier at the moment than the thought of being with this girl. Anyway, I want to know what you say to a girl who you've known for 2 years but have never really had the courage to ask out. Normally, I'd be fairly sure about just asking them out for coffee or lunch or whatever, but it doesn't feel like those rules apply for some reason. Is this whole thing just a lost cause? Should I have abandoned it after my first attempt? I'm calling upon this great meeting of the minds again for some help, your input would be seriously appreciated.

10-30-2011, 10:51 AM	#2
Deku Trii PP&R Mod Current Events Mod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Texas Gender: Posts: 9,031 Thanks: 521 Thanked 1,099 Times in 583 Posts	I can't tell you what you should say, but I once started dating this one other girl because I misread the signals and thought the girl I ended up marrying wasn't interested. It sounds like you really like her. Could be worth it to put yourself out there and find out for sure.

10-30-2011, 01:08 PM	#3
*The Doctor* The Last Timelord. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: In the TARDIS Gender: Posts: 13,880 Thanks: 915 Thanked 656 Times in 426 Posts Blog Entries: 1	Can't tell you what to say, but you should ask her out at least. Maybe even write out what you want to say to her. "Do you want to meet me for a coffee sometime?" Then after a few mins after sitting in the cafe, say to her that you really like her and....(and this is the best bit since you've already said this to us)...Nothing really makes me happier at the moment than the thought of being with this girl. Maybe not word it like that, but don't go too far from the truth. Hope it goes well.

10-30-2011, 03:53 PM	#4
NintendoNut PC Games and Tech Mod Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Hold on, I know this..... Gender: Posts: 8,655 Thanks: 108 Thanked 85 Times in 56 Posts	I'm wary of going a bit too overboard though, cos I don't want to end up just plain freaking her out if I tell her 'nothing makes me happier than when I'm with you'. And I get that you can't tell me exactly what to say, nobody can. I just wondered if the 'rules' change between asking out a girl who you haven't known for very long and a girl who you've known for a long time.

10-31-2011, 12:29 AM	#5
Deku Trii PP&R Mod Current Events Mod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Texas Gender: Posts: 9,031 Thanks: 521 Thanked 1,099 Times in 583 Posts	I'd probably just ask her if she would like to go out on a date and see how she responds. Tell her you like her and you think she'd make you happy, if she's interested. I'd say hold off on the 'nothing makes me happier' stuff unless she responds like she's been wanting you to ask her out for a while. It might be a lot of pressure if she's not interested, or hasn't had a crush on you but would be interested in seeing if there's something between you. I'm hardly an expert, though. I've been with the same girl for over 6 years, and before that I mostly dated girls who made it very clear that they liked me.

10-31-2011, 06:30 AM	#6
*The Doctor* The Last Timelord. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: In the TARDIS Gender: Posts: 13,880 Thanks: 915 Thanked 656 Times in 426 Posts Blog Entries: 1	Like I said probably don't word it like that.

10-31-2011, 09:52 AM	#7
*Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds* Admin "mine.. not yours. NO. MINE." Epic Ladynerd Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Forteresse de Valois Gender: Posts: 28,504 Thanks: 1,658 Thanked 1,820 Times in 1,042 Posts	Well, you can either make it official and date-like, or you can simply do what you said you wanted: spend more time with her. Asking a friend on a date depends on what your current relationship with her is. If you're close and talk a lot, it might not feel "right" to just ask her out, as simple as that. There's nothing wrong with adding in a bit of romance to the notion: bring her a single flower and ask her if she'd like to join you on a date. If you want to ease into things, either to test the waters or to get a better feel for where you want to take the relationship, it's perfectly fine to just organise to hang out more frequently. Call her and say you'll be free on this day, and did she want to catch up. Invite her over, not just with a relationship in mind, but also as a friend. Then you might be able to either see if she's interested, or be able to express your feelings without words getting in the way as much. Body language, behaviour, and little gestures like touching her hand, smiling at her, and being considerate of her (chivalry, opening doors, etc) will show that she's special to you. Sometimes these things just kind of "happen" on their own between friends who do fall in love. You can give it space to work that way, or you can direct it intentionally towards a relationship. Of course you should try again now that things have settled down for you both. Good luck, bro!

10-31-2011, 12:31 PM	#8
NintendoNut PC Games and Tech Mod Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Hold on, I know this..... Gender: Posts: 8,655 Thanks: 108 Thanked 85 Times in 56 Posts	Sis, that's great advice. I'm getting the impression that a lot of this is gonna be through actions rather than words, which may well suit me fine. Anyway, it's her birthday next week, so I'm giving her a card and some chocolate (she loves food in general). So I'll probably carry along that sort of vein and see where we get to.