In need of advice

Auron · 01-23-2012, 04:50 PM

So basically, a shorten up version of the story goes something like this: Recently I had asked this girl out that I knew from work. At first she seemed interested so we traded phone numbers and what not. So a few days later I asked her if she wanted to get something to eat and she said she was busy. Okay, fair enough. So the I wait a week and ask her again. She then says she's really not interested at all. Fair enough. No problem.

But the thing for me is, I don't have a problem with this particular person saying she's not interested in anything, my problem is that fact that basically everyone I've ever tried to ask out says the same exact thing. Right now I am like, oh-for-I don't know, like 10 or so in my life. So I guess you could say at this point in my life my confidence is negligible and my self-esteem is shot. And of course right now I'm done with college, so now I lost the best excuse I'ver ever had to meet people my age.

So now my problem is how exactly do I meet people? I'm not exactly the most socially gifted person in the world. Where exactly do people go to hang out? What do they do? How exactly can I make them actually interested in doing anything with me for once. No one that I've ever talked to about this have ever been able to give me any solid advice on this. Most people say, "Ask friends" or , "Go to a bar." Well, like I said, my social circle is not exactly large, and my brother and sister are basically useless. And I don't drink at all, so why in the hell would I go to a bar to try and meet people?

I don't know, I probably just rambling right now and am not really giving anyone anything to go off of here, but I could really use some advice to help me because it's really depressing me right now that at this point in my life, it's entirely feasible that I could end up living my life alone. Or so it feels.

Random User · 01-23-2012, 05:02 PM

When you say your social circle isn't large, at least you have a social circle. I've met most of my friends through other friends when I moved here. Given, I'm still only in high school and making friends where I live is almost guaranteed with the population around here. But I think a good place to start would be finding friends through other friends. If not, then perhaps mingle with other people at your workplace?

Dizzy · 01-23-2012, 05:05 PM

I'm not too bar-savvy, but I'm pretty sure you don't have to drink in order for the people to appear.

**Deku Trii** · 01-23-2012, 05:33 PM

I dunno. A gym? Somewhere where there are volunteer opportunities? Online?

***Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds*** · 01-23-2012, 07:07 PM

You need to find people with common interest. No point in going to a bar if you don't like hanging out in bars; the person you meet there probably does, and then what are you going to do?

So first assess your own interests. Are there clubs or groups related to any of those? Are there online communities dedicated to your interests? Try and include yourself in activities which relate to things you enjoy first and foremost.

Jere · 01-23-2012, 07:13 PM

I was supposed to post something briliant and insightsfull but SD beat me to it and who am i to speak about that i have been round bars, gaming conventions and some internet sites and still att 21 im single since well..... so long i can remember.

Kil'jaeden · 01-23-2012, 11:49 PM

Go to a library.

***Heroine of the Dragon*** · 01-24-2012, 12:12 AM

It's always difficult to attempt new things when you feel depressed and your self-esteem has fallen, however, changing this is possible.

SD was correct in pointing out that to meet people with similar interests as you have, you need to join clubs or communities already involved in these activities. I think it's probably best to understand you join these things to enjoy the activity and IF you also happen to find someone special, that's awesome!!!

You know, don't overlook the obvious either... when you go shopping for groceries, for example, you see other people, too, and you never know, there may be someone you can strike up a conversation with. Have you got some "conversation starters" so it's easier to begin talking?

Also (I know it sounds crazy), but practice smiling. It can feel embarrassing to some people to smile in public, but take heart that people LIKE happy-looking people. Think of happy things when you do smile, because a real smile is noticeable. And if it's really hard, then practice in front of a mirror... and feel free to laugh at the attempts because laughter helps, too!!

And good luck, Auron. Don't give up and don't be disheartened by what happened for too long... as hard as it may be, think positive thoughts and remember... you are a great guy!!! *gives you marshmallows*

Katty Bard · 01-24-2012, 12:01 PM

I have to agree with everyone saying to find people with similar interests. Some of my best friends I met on gaming forums.

If you're truly tapped for interests, though, find some new ones. Never played Ultimate Frisbee but thought it sounded fun? Go find a league. Stuff like that.

Also, at least you're not like me- almost none of my friends, myself included, drive, so opportunities to hang out are minimal. x)

Auron · 01-29-2012, 02:33 AM

Ugh, I had a whole post of stuff relating to what everyone was saying all typed out, but then I went back and reread it and it completely sounded like arguing what everyone was saying and making a ****load of excuses for myself. So I'm going to try this again while trying to be a bit more, how shall I put this... optimistic?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds

So first assess your own interests. Are there clubs or groups related to any of those? Are there online communities dedicated to your interests? Try and include yourself in activities which relate to things you enjoy first and foremost.

Well, online communities based on what I like haven't really helped me so far (sorry VGF, need moar local peeps), so I can't say I have too high of expectations for that. So on that note, where else could I begin looking for groups of a common interest? Like I said, unfortunately my social circle is a little on the smallish side, so hearing things by word of mouth probably won't happen. So does anyone have any ideas where I might look? I know that's not giving much to go off of considering pretty much no one but me knows everything that I'm into (and I'm not even sure sometimes), but there has to be someway that people my age freshly out of college find out about these things when they don't have bulletin boards posted in every hall of the dorms to read. Probably my biggest problem isn't so much identifying what it is that I'm into, but it's identifying where I need to look to find like minded individuals.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heroine of the Dragon

You know, don't overlook the obvious either... when you go shopping for groceries, for example, you see other people, too, and you never know, there may be someone you can strike up a conversation with. Have you got some "conversation starters" so it's easier to begin talking?

Also (I know it sounds crazy), but practice smiling. It can feel embarrassing to some people to smile in public, but take heart that people LIKE happy-looking people. Think of happy things when you do smile, because a real smile is noticeable. And if it's really hard, then practice in front of a mirror... and feel free to laugh at the attempts because laughter helps, too!!

In all honesty, even more so than public speaking, the most intimidating thing for me is talking to new people. I was never really that gifted of a conversation starter, so I really don't even have any idea how to approach people.

And the funny thing about the second point is that I've heard that one before. I guess either I really do have a hard time smiling, or I just have on of those faces because some of the people I know have told my that when I'm just minding my own business (just walking, eating, reading, etc.) that I look intimidating, miserable, bored, tired, hungry, distracted, or even just normal, depending on who I ask. So I guess what I'm trying to say there is I have no idea what's going on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katty Bard

Also, at least you're not like me- almost none of my friends, myself included, drive, so opportunities to hang out are minimal. x)

Well, me and my friends do drive, but we're kind of all spread out so getting together is can be a bit of a hassle sometimes, especially in the winter when the weather gets bad.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deku Trii

Online?

Every now and then I think about online dating, but I always get stuck on two or three points that really don't have any way of clarifying. First and foremost right now is cost. Those sites are mad expensive, and unfortunately, I recently (as in a week or so ago) came in to the ranks of unemployment. Secondly, there's a hell of a lot of sites out there, so how am I to know which ones are good and which ones aren't. And lastly, I do not know a single person who has tried out a dating site. I have no idea if they work. I can't exactly ask anyone because like I said, no one I know has tried. There's so many differing opinions about the topic out there online that I can't tell if all the people saying it's a waste of time populated by 80% guys are full of it because they just can't do it right, or if 90% of the positive reinforcement about the whole idea is just paid advertisers pretending that the whole scheme works in order to con you out of money.

Yeah, you know, I still sound whiney and defensive to myself. It is so incredibly hard to put into words exactly what I want to say and ask without sounding so unappreciative. I really do appreciate everyone trying to give me helpful suggestions. I know I'm not the easiest person to get through to so all I really ask is anyone who's still reading this topic is to just be patient with me.

***Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds*** · 01-29-2012, 03:54 AM

Most clubs and groups you can either search for online, or look for fliers at some kind of local community/arts centre or library. A search of "anime fans Perth" brings up a group right in my area, so there will be something similar for you. Seriously, you just need to think of something you enjoy then throw yourself at it. Make connections with like-minded people, even if they aren't local. People have blogs about everything. Read ones on subjects you like, follow links to other interesting people, comment consistently on their posts, make friends with the bloggers. Make yourself available for communication by communicating - talk about things, ask questions, take an interest. And yes, smile. Think happy thoughts.

**Cravdraa** · 01-29-2012, 06:45 AM

Auron, let me give you some advice from a kindred spirit.
My entire life I have been painfully shy. Meeting new people, starting up conversations, it's not just hard, it could feel boarderline impossible. Completely paralizing.

It is something I have worked at my entire life. I have gotten better. It's slow and not always consistant progress, but it's there. And it'll continue to get better.

First off, my advice to you is to learn how to fake it. You may never feel comfortable just starting a conversation up with somebody you don't know. That's fine. Do it anyway. Practice with people you wouldn't even normally have a reason to talk to. No matter how much the advice the others are giving you may or may not make sense in your head, I have learned that social activity and interactions are something I need to experience for myself. I need to feel them, to become familiar. It sucks, but this is a case where the only way your fear is going to get better is if you try to face it. There are no short cuts or ways to ease into it. Set little goals for yourself. Decide that you're going to make small talk with ONE person that day and then go out and do it. Do it long enough and you'll start to have less trouble. Eventually, you may even realize that you're not faking it at all. That you actually enjoy interacting with people and being friendly.
And remember, people aren't nearly as big of asses once they grow up a little. There's no reason to be worried, because most of them WANT to be friendly.

If you can work on defeating your social anxieties, meeting new friends (and girls) will happen naturally, and your social circles will expand as a result. You have to get used to putting yourself out there though.

A lot of the suggestions in this topic that would make for good starting points. Pick one that doesn't seem too terrible and start working towards it.
I will wish and hope for your success.

monstrman · 02-01-2012, 10:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Auron

In all honesty, even more so than public speaking, the most intimidating thing for me is talking to new people. I was never really that gifted of a conversation starter, so I really don't even have any idea how to approach people.

a good way to approach a girl is a non-sexual compliment. "I like your shoes" for example. Admittedly, that's not the best pick up line ever, but you don't have to be fancy or creative with it. If they respond to it, you'll be able to tell they'll engage you in a conversation. If not, they'll shrug it off and continue about their business. No big deal. If they do talk to you, just be okay with being you, and they'll respond to it. If you can think up a good line that doesn't go along the lines of "you have a great body" or something that puts too much pressure on them, then the hardest part is just getting yourself to say it and the rest should come naturally.

Don't be too worried about getting to know them so soon, just treat them like you would another friend, and don't be afraid to make fun of them or talk to other people when they're around. Ask them about themselves if you run out of things to say. A carefully worded question is your best friend.

EDIT: Remember not to be cruel though. The three key words when talking to women are light, fun, and friendly.

Katty Bard · 02-03-2012, 11:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monstrman

a good way to approach a girl is a non-sexual compliment. "I like your shoes" for example. Admittedly, that's not the best pick up line ever, but you don't have to be fancy or creative with it. If they respond to it, you'll be able to tell they'll engage you in a conversation. If not, they'll shrug it off and continue about their business. No big deal. If they do talk to you, just be okay with being you, and they'll respond to it. If you can think up a good line that doesn't go along the lines of "you have a great body" or something that puts too much pressure on them, then the hardest part is just getting yourself to say it and the rest should come naturally.

Don't be too worried about getting to know them so soon, just treat them like you would another friend, and don't be afraid to make fun of them or talk to other people when they're around. Ask them about themselves if you run out of things to say. A carefully worded question is your best friend.

EDIT: Remember not to be cruel though. The three key words when talking to women are light, fun, and friendly.

Speaking as a woman, I must say that if you compliment something like.....my eye makeup (this has happened to me!) I will run away. jussaiyan'

Blake · 02-08-2012, 04:40 AM

I read this before but forgot to put my 2 cents in.

There's the free online site Plentyoffish.com for online dating.

I'm not sure how good of a site it is, but it must be decent since it allows pics and messaging for free.

***Cosmonautical*** · 02-08-2012, 06:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katty Bard

Speaking as a woman, I must say that if you compliment something like.....my eye makeup (this has happened to me!) I will run away. jussaiyan'

Yeah, if you want to drum up a conversation about somebody's taste, you should ask them about it more than tell them about it. Ask not tell is a polite conversation rule. If someone reminds you of something, you can share your experience, and that helps establish common ground. It's good to establish that you have an open mind, if you want to get to know others, also. To have an open mind, you have to try. When you talk about your experiences, you want to admit when you might not have had a full experience - stereotyping things will always lead to a narrow range of experiences.

01-23-2012, 04:50 PM	#1
Auron Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Inside Gender: Posts: 6,743 Thanks: 5 Thanked 325 Times in 198 Posts	In need of advice So basically, a shorten up version of the story goes something like this: Recently I had asked this girl out that I knew from work. At first she seemed interested so we traded phone numbers and what not. So a few days later I asked her if she wanted to get something to eat and she said she was busy. Okay, fair enough. So the I wait a week and ask her again. She then says she's really not interested at all. Fair enough. No problem. But the thing for me is, I don't have a problem with this particular person saying she's not interested in anything, my problem is that fact that basically everyone I've ever tried to ask out says the same exact thing. Right now I am like, oh-for-I don't know, like 10 or so in my life. So I guess you could say at this point in my life my confidence is negligible and my self-esteem is shot. And of course right now I'm done with college, so now I lost the best excuse I'ver ever had to meet people my age. So now my problem is how exactly do I meet people? I'm not exactly the most socially gifted person in the world. Where exactly do people go to hang out? What do they do? How exactly can I make them actually interested in doing anything with me for once. No one that I've ever talked to about this have ever been able to give me any solid advice on this. Most people say, "Ask friends" or , "Go to a bar." Well, like I said, my social circle is not exactly large, and my brother and sister are basically useless. And I don't drink at all, so why in the hell would I go to a bar to try and meet people? I don't know, I probably just rambling right now and am not really giving anyone anything to go off of here, but I could really use some advice to help me because it's really depressing me right now that at this point in my life, it's entirely feasible that I could end up living my life alone. Or so it feels.

01-23-2012, 07:13 PM	#6
Jere Senior Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Sutme Gender: Posts: 3,648 Thanks: 404 Thanked 331 Times in 256 Posts Blog Entries: 3	I was supposed to post something briliant and insightsfull but SD beat me to it and who am i to speak about that i have been round bars, gaming conventions and some internet sites and still att 21 im single since well..... so long i can remember. __________________ From where it counts: Lapland

01-23-2012, 05:02 PM	#2
Random User Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Equestrian Republic of Spanglidesh Gender: Posts: 3,562 Thanks: 321 Thanked 195 Times in 143 Posts Blog Entries: 4	When you say your social circle isn't large, at least you have a social circle. I've met most of my friends through other friends when I moved here. Given, I'm still only in high school and making friends where I live is almost guaranteed with the population around here. But I think a good place to start would be finding friends through other friends. If not, then perhaps mingle with other people at your workplace?

01-23-2012, 05:05 PM	#3
Dizzy Podiaphobe Join Date: Oct 2007 Gender: Posts: 19,359 Thanks: 1,764 Thanked 1,161 Times in 804 Posts Blog Entries: 116	I'm not too bar-savvy, but I'm pretty sure you don't have to drink in order for the people to appear.

01-23-2012, 05:33 PM	#4
Deku Trii PP&R Mod Current Events Mod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Texas Gender: Posts: 9,031 Thanks: 521 Thanked 1,099 Times in 583 Posts	I dunno. A gym? Somewhere where there are volunteer opportunities? Online?

01-23-2012, 07:07 PM	#5
*Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds* Admin "mine.. not yours. NO. MINE." Epic Ladynerd Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Forteresse de Valois Gender: Posts: 28,504 Thanks: 1,658 Thanked 1,820 Times in 1,042 Posts	You need to find people with common interest. No point in going to a bar if you don't like hanging out in bars; the person you meet there probably does, and then what are you going to do? So first assess your own interests. Are there clubs or groups related to any of those? Are there online communities dedicated to your interests? Try and include yourself in activities which relate to things you enjoy first and foremost.

01-23-2012, 11:49 PM	#7
Kil'jaeden Member Join Date: May 2003 Location: in your mind Gender: Posts: 2,132 Thanks: 21 Thanked 146 Times in 99 Posts	Go to a library.

01-24-2012, 12:12 AM	#8
*Heroine of the Dragon* The Grinnie Fool! ♥♥♥ VGFCodes Staff Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Twinklebutton Wintersprout Gender: Posts: 31,454 Thanks: 864 Thanked 851 Times in 632 Posts Blog Entries: 1	It's always difficult to attempt new things when you feel depressed and your self-esteem has fallen, however, changing this is possible. SD was correct in pointing out that to meet people with similar interests as you have, you need to join clubs or communities already involved in these activities. I think it's probably best to understand you join these things to enjoy the activity and IF you also happen to find someone special, that's awesome!!! You know, don't overlook the obvious either... when you go shopping for groceries, for example, you see other people, too, and you never know, there may be someone you can strike up a conversation with. Have you got some "conversation starters" so it's easier to begin talking? Also (I know it sounds crazy), but practice smiling. It can feel embarrassing to some people to smile in public, but take heart that people LIKE happy-looking people. Think of happy things when you do smile, because a real smile is noticeable. And if it's really hard, then practice in front of a mirror... and feel free to laugh at the attempts because laughter helps, too!! And good luck, Auron. Don't give up and don't be disheartened by what happened for too long... as hard as it may be, think positive thoughts and remember... you are a great guy!!! gives you marshmallows

01-24-2012, 12:01 PM	#9
Katty Bard Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Athens, GA Gender: Posts: 386 Thanks: 76 Thanked 18 Times in 17 Posts	I have to agree with everyone saying to find people with similar interests. Some of my best friends I met on gaming forums. If you're truly tapped for interests, though, find some new ones. Never played Ultimate Frisbee but thought it sounded fun? Go find a league. Stuff like that. Also, at least you're not like me- almost none of my friends, myself included, drive, so opportunities to hang out are minimal. x)

01-29-2012, 03:54 AM	#11
*Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds* Admin "mine.. not yours. NO. MINE." Epic Ladynerd Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Forteresse de Valois Gender: Posts: 28,504 Thanks: 1,658 Thanked 1,820 Times in 1,042 Posts	Most clubs and groups you can either search for online, or look for fliers at some kind of local community/arts centre or library. A search of "anime fans Perth" brings up a group right in my area, so there will be something similar for you. Seriously, you just need to think of something you enjoy then throw yourself at it. Make connections with like-minded people, even if they aren't local. People have blogs about everything. Read ones on subjects you like, follow links to other interesting people, comment consistently on their posts, make friends with the bloggers. Make yourself available for communication by communicating - talk about things, ask questions, take an interest. And yes, smile. Think happy thoughts.

01-29-2012, 06:45 AM	#12
Cravdraa VGF RPG Mod Join Date: May 2001 Location: It's Round on the sides and high in the middle. Gender: Posts: 8,470 Thanks: 171 Thanked 662 Times in 404 Posts	Auron, let me give you some advice from a kindred spirit. My entire life I have been painfully shy. Meeting new people, starting up conversations, it's not just hard, it could feel boarderline impossible. Completely paralizing. It is something I have worked at my entire life. I have gotten better. It's slow and not always consistant progress, but it's there. And it'll continue to get better. First off, my advice to you is to learn how to fake it. You may never feel comfortable just starting a conversation up with somebody you don't know. That's fine. Do it anyway. Practice with people you wouldn't even normally have a reason to talk to. No matter how much the advice the others are giving you may or may not make sense in your head, I have learned that social activity and interactions are something I need to experience for myself. I need to feel them, to become familiar. It sucks, but this is a case where the only way your fear is going to get better is if you try to face it. There are no short cuts or ways to ease into it. Set little goals for yourself. Decide that you're going to make small talk with ONE person that day and then go out and do it. Do it long enough and you'll start to have less trouble. Eventually, you may even realize that you're not faking it at all. That you actually enjoy interacting with people and being friendly. And remember, people aren't nearly as big of asses once they grow up a little. There's no reason to be worried, because most of them WANT to be friendly. If you can work on defeating your social anxieties, meeting new friends (and girls) will happen naturally, and your social circles will expand as a result. You have to get used to putting yourself out there though. A lot of the suggestions in this topic that would make for good starting points. Pick one that doesn't seem too terrible and start working towards it. I will wish and hope for your success.

02-08-2012, 04:40 AM	#15
Blake Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: A generic place such as a house Gender: Posts: 4,628 Thanks: 1,489 Thanked 206 Times in 148 Posts	I read this before but forgot to put my 2 cents in. There's the free online site Plentyoffish.com for online dating. I'm not sure how good of a site it is, but it must be decent since it allows pics and messaging for free.