The REAL worst reviews

[OcarinaMan]

You see them everywhere. The people who can't use the correct grammar, English, and couldn't recognize a good game if it bit them in the You-Know-What. Quote real reviews that are stupid. Truth is stranger than fiction.

For Majora's Mask:

mannn this is a dissappointed game because like you need to start all over again the time because like you have 3 days of to stop the moon and if in the third day you suuppose to start all over again the time but in fact you lose items and money so that's the bottom line that it is dissapointing that game and well the true is that is much better to rent the game than buying the game becuse to prove that it is good game or not.well the majority peoople didnt like these game at all because for them are a little boring and the is dissapointment

For Paper Mario:

Nintendo is a great system but there games are getting horrible terrible stupid.I think this game is way too overated if you ask me.Come on its not that good and it used to be called Super Mario RPG 2 but they changed it to Paper Mario because they needed a good excuse for the terrible horrible no good graphics and they even admited it too.I cant get past the fist level because its so hard and its so stupid when you fight bowser in the beiggining and its boring and it has that anoying sound like kirby 64 but worse but i liked kirby 64.Heak with this game im flushing it down the toilet.Hey fetch doggy fetch!Thets play home run dirby!Paper Mario go down the drain

^He couldn't beat the first level? [img]graemlins/lol.gif[/img]

[Sim Kid]

Unbelivable. [img]graemlins/lol.gif[/img] People actually think this? [img]graemlins/lol.gif[/img]

[OcarinaMan]

Ocarina of Time:

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda
I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I like women, I like chicken, I Love Zelda

I did not make this up. I swear.

[Sim Kid]

^Wtf?

[OcarinaMan]

Wind Waker:

First off, I own a PC and all three major consoles: PS2, XBox, and GC. So I am not a fanboy. Over the holidays I decided to play KOTOR (awesome 10/10), Final Fantasy X-2 (loved it 9.5/10), and Zelda Wind Waker. Having read all the reviews for Wind Waker I was excited to finally play it. I had very high expectations for this game, I really wanted to like it, but in the end I was dissapointed. Big time. First off, this is not an RPG. Not even close to being an RPG. It has far more in common with a platformer like Jak and Daxter than anything else. I really hate platformers and jump puzzles, so right there I was hating the game after the first few hours. Everyone kept saying how great it was, though, so I decided to try and like it for many more painful hours to come. About 20 hours in I finally decided it was no longer worth it and I put the game up for good. I kept trying to find the good but was never able to. Here is my list of complaints:

1) The graphics are bland, repetitive, and boring. On the surface they look good, but when you are in a dungeon for an extended period of time, every level and room seems boring and drab. A perfect example is the Forbidden Woods which I got so tired of looking at after a few hours.


2) There was no story, no character development, no interesting NPC's, and the dialog was short and uninteresting. There was no voice acting except for the occasional and often repititive exclamation from a character. If I am playing a game like this, at least give me a decent story to make it interesting.


3) The game is tedious to play. I hate a game where I have to attempt the same jump 30 times, and every time I attempt it I have to go over 10 other jumps to get to that one spot. At least let me save after each jump so in case I miss it I can just reload or something. Another tedious element of this game is the monsters. The things that stick to you when you run were lame, the helicoptor things were lame, the goblins were lame. The combat was more of an obnoxiuos distraction than anything else. Compare this to FFX-2 and KOTOR where the combat is one of the things I loved about the games.


This is one case where I am in complete disagreement with most of the gaming community. Oh well, I think I'll go play KOTOR again. That is a game that is everything Zelda is not: it has a great story, excellent voice acting, real RPG elements, much better graphics, better combat, and zero jump puzzles.

Zelda has jump puzzles? FFX-2 is better than WW? Voice acting is terribly important?

[Beam Yosho the Drunkard]

I can't imagine Zelda with voice acting...

[OcarinaMan]

^ I heard WW2 has voice acting. Link still gets the silent treatment, though...

Metroid Fusion:

how could anyone enjoy playing this game. you going into every room with the intent of shooting the wall not only to find a secret, but to actually find the RIGHT WAY TO GO! its ridiculous. theres no concept of thinking as far as the games progression. its so random. While the controls work fine, there too simple for the producers to have made a realisticly 'tactic' boss battle. the games graphics are great though theres no denying that, though the mood is often WAY too dark. and the game is short as hell. i cant comment onb the sound since i always played it on the train, so ill simply rait it average. mediocre at best and not even worth your 'free' time.

You know, you guys can post reviews, too.

[DrJordo]

For Battletanx (N64 games with tanks)

title:Hey Masters: Take off your pants and play this mediocre tank shooter!!!
Author:I Am A Potato

(Under normal circumstances there would be an introduction to the said game in this area: needless to say, these are not normal circumstances.)

Behold, foolish mortal, a revolution in gaming reviews! Something so earth-shattering, so mind-boggling, so pants-wettening, so squash-smashening, and so pumped will DJosef-ness that the scientific community has refused to acknowledge the possibility of its existence. Until now.

Behold, the future of reviewing: the “Potato Rates Various Random Objective Aspects of the Game” (or the PRO-VRAG) format will one day be heard in living rooms, university cafeterias, and shopping malls around the world, and lucky you has been lucky enough to stumble upon it’s workings on the ground floor. Congratulations, and enjoy this review of 3DO’s splendidly mediocre tank shooter, BattleTanx:

---The Ratings---

The Tanks: Let’s get straight into the meat and/or potatoes of the game. The tanks (or “Tanx,” as the game so often like to refer to them) are the high point of the game. Everything about them is great:. They’re painted in very shiny colors ranging anywhere from ROY to G, even occasionally making its way over to the illustrious BIV section of the rainbow, which serves as a pleasant alternative to the bleak world outside of gaming; they’re responsive to controls, and while they may not seem intuitive in today’s world of “Banjos” and “Metal Gears,” we must always remember that, sometimes, simplicity is key. Oh. And they can destroy stuff. Whatever.

The important thing is that they look good, they feel good, they sound good, and if it were at all possible I’m sure they would smell good too. -9-

The B-Movie Appeal: It is the year 2001. A plague has wiped out more than 90% of the world’s women. You play as a male, and, being a male, you do what comes naturally: you and your closest twenty-or-so friends hi-jack “tanx” and blow stuff up!

Yeah! Lock up them women! Whoo! Gang warfare! Yes! Women are almost like slaves, but sexier! Ha! Queenlords! Yee-haw!!!

My id is having a field day. -10-

The Literary Value: For the most part, I love the story. But it leaves a good many unanswered questions in my mind: where’s the theme, the plot, the drama, the intrigue, the denouement? I’ll tell you where. It’s non-existent. If you want plot, you can go read a book, ya nerd. -3-

The Scantily-clad Women that You Can Pick Up And Drive off With: While the barely-dressed women in this game play second fiddle to the gorgeous models found in such classics as San Francisco Rush, California Speed, Final Fantasy I-V, Final Fantasy VII-X, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dead or Alive, Dead or Alive 2, Dead or Alive 3, Crusin’ USA, Zombie Revenge, Shining Force, the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater series, Barney’s Hide and Seek, or Perfect Dark, they still seem like pretty bodacious babe-ites.

What can I say? I’m a picky tuber. -4-

The Blow-uppables: For a game that’s all about blowing “balderdash” up, I’m sorely disappointed in the quality of the explosions. They are neither visually nor audibly appealing. They are icky; Instead of sky-darting to the heavens, an action which I assumed was necessary in a game like this, the buildings crawl to the ground in a manner that can only described as slug-like (or possibly sloth-like).

These are explosions in the same way that those little black snakes of charcoal that come in packages of fireworks are explosives. What are those, anyway? Who was the twisted mind at the firework factory who thought it entertaining to watch a piece of rubber with a strange propensity to look like feces slowly unravel before him? A sicko, that's who. -2-

The Aural Pleasure: As bad as the explosions look, they sound a good bit worse; with what should be a deafening “kablamm!,” the buildings clamber to the ground with all the glory of a three-year-old crumbling tissue paper. Messy. Messy. Messy.

The music is equally mind numbing. There is only one song. That song is repetitive. I did not like the song. I did not like the song because it repeated itself. It repeated itself often. There was only one song. And that one song was repetitive. –3-

Hey, Masters: Take off those giant MC Hammer pants of yours. Their violent glare is blinding me. –10-

ROB64’s Voice Acting: Before every level, ROB64 from Starfox 64, or what may be a close relative of ROB64, greets you with sounds of inspiration in his native tongue: “Gwoon Lawk!”

Its nice to see that there’s still room for people like him in this modern world of hustle and bustle. –10-

The Gameplay: Whatever. -6-

I am NOT making this up, look it up on GameFAQs. All I have to say about that review is:What the hell?

[OcarinaMan]

Like everyone else in the world, I saw the demo of the ''New Zelda Look'' on the Internet, and my first thought was, ''Surely, this is a joke. A funny joke, but a joke. He doesn't really intend to make a GAME like this! But as time went on, my hopes began to vanish as I heard that Shigeru Miyamoto, president of Nintendo, was continuing work on the Cellda game. My heart screamed out from within my chest. It could not be. Link had always been my hero! He had always been the one tough guy, other than Son Goku, that you could always count on when the chips were down. How could his own creator belittle him with an art style that made him look like a powerpuff girl? The idea of him being a cartoon didn't repulse me as much. After all, some of my earliest Zelda memories come from watching the cartoon on the Super Mario Brothers Super Show, but that version of Link was a teenager, not a freakish mutant. Still, appreciation for the game would all boil down to the game itself, and I would not allow myself to lose hope based solely on first impressions. Then, the game came out, and it got good reviews, so I played it, and beat it within a week and a half. Now, here's my review for...

The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

Here's how it ranked...

Sound: 4 out of 10
Truly poor. The 4 comes from the sound effects, and the remixes of classic Zelda tunes, but every one of the original music tracks created for this game was dull, bland, and gave you no feel for the world. I felt that unlike the music from Ocarina of Time, the music in this game focused more on being ''catchy'' and less on helping you get into the spirit of the game. This alone was not such a foolish thing that it should deserve three numbers down, but this game STILL had no voices! Sure, every now and then, there would be a tiny sound byte of ''Thank You!'' or ''Ho! Ho! Ho!'' But you have to do a whole lot of reading in between. Virtually all speech occurs in text, and that's awfully mundane, especially considering it's the gamecube we're talking about. This system is supposed to be capable of anything. Yet, full voice talkies were used in adventure games as many as 15 years ago. Why doesn't this game have one?

Graphics: 3 out of 10
As I said during the introduction, the graphic style is not very likable if, like me, you've been playing Zelda because Link is a tough guy. Since each person and object only appears in two shades of a color, you'll find yourself squinting to determine where one object ends and the next begins as you said across endless seas of opaque water. Your eyes will hurt after about half an hour of gameplay. To their credit, Nintendo has done a good job with wind effects, and making clothes and hats blow in the wind depending on it's direction, but it's not enough to make up for the fact that Link, Zelda, and almost everyone else simply looks too unrealistic. Not one character is dark or cool, except Ganon. Ganon is the only one sufficiently dark, and none of the characters are taken seriously, including the monsters! The 3 comes almost entirely from the backgrounds, which would have gotten a 4, except that they were too bright and cheery. A few scenes near the end of the game were dark enough, but not enough to win this grade any more points. Still, if the characters were given noses, and maybe shaded about 10 times as much, and darkened considerably, it would be sufficient graphics for the next Earthbound game, though only since Earthbound graphics were already somewhat like that. Anyway, much more Earthbound in this game than Zelda in regards to graphics.

Gameplay: 5 out of 10
The gameplay gets the halfway grade, because the gameplay was halfway good. After so many years, one would think they would have had time to improve on the gameplay engine they used in Ocarina of Time, and Majora's Mask, but this engine is very similar, and to some degree, repetitive. It's different in some ways, but the differences are so slight that it's rather like hiding a buffalo under a grain of sand. What differences there were seemed to be there to limit Link's range of motion. Gone is the endless galloping across fields, the fishing, the hunting and the races we all love. Got is the option of breathing underwater, or even going underwater at all! After all, it's opaque. Going underwater might be dangerous to your eyesight. Virtually all the items used were recycled items and powers from previous games, except for one that was basically just a toned-down hookshot. All-in-all, the gameplay was charming and fun to play in it's own right, but limited in that it lacked either the volume of ''A Link to the Past'' or the innovation of ''Ocarina of Time.'' The only other thing that really limits the gameplay is that the game is simply too easy. Finding items loses all of its mystery, thanks to the multiple maps of everything the game offers you. There are some reasonably-tough puzzles, but no true mind-benders, and the battles are so ridiculously easy, you'll probably come out of them without a scratch! Most of the enemies that can do any damage to you drop more than enough hearts to compensate, which I consider repugnant. Zelda should be a game of adventure through dangerous lands. It should not be that easy, and once you realize that the battles are basically impossible to lose, and the puzzles are designed more to eat up your time thinking than truly challenge you, and of course that 60% of the game is spent sailing across endless seas, you have to realize that this game is not meant to be a challenge, and therefore, all that is left is a feeling as though your time has been wasted.

Play Time: 5 out of 10
The play time is ridiculous, primarily because you have to sail across endless oceans for most of it. It took me a week and a half to figure the whole thing out, however most of that time was spent either sailing, or fighting battles I could not possibly lose if I tried. I admired the difficulty of Majora's Mask, but this game, though reasonably long, fills that length with virtually nothing, making it feel as though the experience is being dragged out. I think that was rather poor.

Replayability: 3 out of 10
The replay value exists only because you have to play the game twice to get all the items. No joke! All I know is that when I finished the game, I was left with a bad taste in my mouth, and if the story isn't going to change the next time I play it, I have no intention of playing it again. Granted, with single ending RPGS, the beating of a game usually means it's death, but this game took that to a whole new level.

Story Concept: 2 out of 10
A very confusing and overall poor concept. The first sequel in Zelda history, and as we all know, sequels are rarely better than the preceding media. As the story starts out, Ganon escaped from his prison and then Hyrule disappeared. We find Link waking on an island as a cutesy little child. He has a sweet little sister with seagulls that follow her around, and a grandmother who makes him soup. If you're not retching yet, get ready for even more torture. It seems as though Ganon somehow got out of Hyrule and escaped to this new world that Link is in. This world basically consists of several miles of water with about 49 tiny islands scattered through it. In essence, it's a water world. Now, I'm a bigger fan of water and sea life than most people, but the abundance of water in this game depressed even me, especially since the graphics made it look more like milk, you never got to see any non-monster sea life, and you couldn't go underwater at all, which was my favorite part of Ocarina of Time. Ganon still has the Triforce of Power, though, so in order to protect himself, Link must assemble the Triforce of Courage and find the Master Sword to fight Ganon with. That's all good, but Link is not fighting to save Hyrule anymore. He is fighting Ganon to keep him out of... wherever this drenched and dismal place is. Even the ending is depressing. Link will never see Hyrule again and the sea is all that's left. What a depression pill. At the end, you get the option to play again with some differences, but I'm not going through that stupid story again.

Story Presentation: 3 out of 10
Remember that one scene in Ocarina of Time, just after you beat the first dungeon, where you meet Saria on the bridge? Saria talks to you about your future, and she gives you her ocarina to remember her by. Well, its close, but I think there might have been a little more emotion in that scene than there was in this entire game. No happiness was ever felt, no sadness ever appreciated, and no anger truly feared. In fact, the only time I felt anything at all was when Ganon made the scene, since he was the only character who seemed to have real feelings, and therefore, the only one I wound up caring about. All the other characters were so hopelessly mired in cartoony silliness, you couldn't tell what, or even if they were feeling. This didn't make you sad in itself, but since the whole point of the game was to kill the only individual who seemed to have a human soul, I found it the most difficult thing I've ever done.

I usually include an acting grade here as well, but as I said earlier, this game had no voices to speak of.

All-in-all: I'm being generous, and giving this game an overall 3 out of 10.
If my little brother wasn't still playing the game, I'd throw it in the garbage. The items are basically just rehashes of previous Zelda items and powers, requiring no creativity at all, and the game, in it's mundane lack of soul, simply seems to drag on and on with no end in sight. When you finally do beat the game, and find out Link and Zelda's fate, you will feel even worse, because we all love Hyrule so much, and I personally found this world dull. However, near the end of the game, the former king of Hyrule said something that seemed to come right from the mouth of Miyamoto himself. ''This is the only world your ancestors were able to leave you. Please forgive us.'' Perhaps, some day, I will find it in my heart to forgive you, Miyamoto, but not while Nintendo's presence frightens all reviewers into declaring this feast of mediocrity to be the best thing they've ever seen. Not while you show no signs of resurrecting the wonderful hero we all loved as kids and teenagers, and not while you seem so utterly aware of the travesty you have created. Let's all just thank God we have Metroid Prime, and appreciate it while we can, before someone turns Samus into a child too!

Way. too. hysterical.

[Chompmaster]

, like everyone else, grew up with Mario games. I would always go over to my friend's house and play Super Mario Bros. 3, 2, and the original (with Duck Hunt..Mmmmm, Duck Hunt..)..I enjoyed those games. Then when I was 7 or 8, I got my Super Nintendo, along with Super Mario World. I was obsessed with that game...It was a good game. When I was 9. I played SuperMarioRPG, and though I enjoyed that, I found it to be a bit kiddy...But it was still serious enough to be fun for me.

Super Mario 64 was ok, a great platformer, but still really kiddy for my age. I'm not going to knock a game because I'm too old to appreciate it. That game really made me lose interest in the Mario series, I never played another recent game after that.

When Mario and Luigi came out, I thought ''Hmm, RPG elements, this might be good''. Famous last words.

It's not that it's a terrible game; I would be lying if I said it was. I'll explain in depth here...

Story 6/10

The story is okay, but it's my major problem with this game. It's very kiddy, with a stupid immaturity to it rather than a clever immaturity that you might find funny. There's your odd good line, but for the most part the dialogue is ridiculous, and as funny as a fart joke. Hey, if you like fart jokes, great. I'm talking bad fart jokes, like in Master of Disguise. The cameos from other games is a great addition, and their only acknowledgement that the original gamers have grown up, and will recognize these things. The game would have been much better if it was clever, referring to past games in ways that the now older gamers would respond to.

Basically what I'm saying is although Mario isn't a very mature series to begin with, it still has to mature with it's main fans, while attracting new ones. The same little-kid fart-joke antics just don't cut it anymore. Does that make sense? I hope so.

Graphics 7/10

This game has a very strange mix of well done character graphics, and little-boy-ate-a-can-of-paint-and-puked backgrounds. The character animations are done very well, but I just don't enjoy the backgrounds and surroundings at all.

Sound 10/10

The sound is this game is great, that's all there is too it. Classic Mario sounds (jumping, etc.), along with remixed themes (cave theme).

Gameplay 6/10

This game uses the ''press A at the right time'' scheme that Mario RPG used, and uses it semi-successfully. Using things like the hammer can be annoying at times however.

The game actually gets QUITE challenging at times, which drastically contrasts it's little kid story...Something I found just didn't mesh at all. I'm not saying it's bad, just that 8 year olds won't be able to get very far.

Mini-games abound, most of which cause me to go ''OH MY ****ING GOD I DON'T CARE JUST LET ME GET ON WITH THIS GAME''

That, coupled with clunky out of battle controls, makeh me dislika the gameplay mucho.

Replay Value 5/10

This game is stupidly short, but does have some replay value if you're in to getting everything...Which you won't do on the first run through. Mostly I just wouldn't pain my way through it again.

Overall: 6/10

Worth playing if you're a Mario fan, and it's nice to see Luigi back, but overall the game is just too clunky. The difficulty of the gameplay combined with the childish story just don't do it for me. Like I said, if you're a die-hard Mario fan, pick this game up...

This is hilarious! What idiot is this person?

[Sim Kid]

*Insert alot of the reviews from Gamefaqs here*

'Nuff said.

[DrJordo]

For Sonic Adventure DX

Title:A mediocre port of a mediocre game
Author:InsaneTeddy

I don't like Sonic the Hedgehog. He is a punk kid/adult thing with an in-your-face attitude. I'm not saying I don't like the games, though. When I had my old Genesis, I would play Sonic games until I got everything and beat every level with all the chaos emeralds. This game takes the fun out of it all. You have to get the emeralds to advance in the story, and you have to get them at the end of many levels. Now onward with my review of Sonic Adventure DX: Director's Cut.

Story
The story of this game is uninspired and dull. The main badguy, Robotnik, once again tries to steal the chaos emeralds and through some advanced science steals the energy out of them. This time, he has the help of a liquid monster called Chaos. Chaos is a monster of ancient times, but I won't ruin the story of him for you. Tails races Sonic to get emeralds in many of Tail's levels. I don't know why he does that. In another storyline, Knuckles tries to restore the master emerald by using his previously unused power to sniff them out. In yet another storyline, Amy finds a bird and runs from a robot that is after the bird. In YET ANOTHER storyline, an evil robot finds good and frees his friends by killing them. In the FINAL storyline, some fat cat tries to fish for his friend who runs away. Robotnik also has a gigantic vessel called the Egg Carrier. This presents a few questions. First of all, DID HE BUILD THAT!? Even with the help of the only 6 capable robots you meet during the game, he would not be able to create something of that magnitude. Second of all, how does he afford the raw materials required to build that thing. I doubt he earned any money from anything he has ever done. The bank would not give him a loan due to all his prior debt. He probably didn't need that pool in there... Oh yea, one other thing. The Egg Carrier scenes are the only cinematics that look good.
Story (4/10)

Graphics
If you have seen any screenshots of this game, or played the demo at Walmart or any other fine store, then you should know about the graphics. They are terrible. These are Dreamcast graphics. The only thing improved is the character models, and even those suffer. The game is also full of graphical glitches. In one level, I had Big go to the edge of a pool and cast off, and right when he did, he warped to another area of the pool. The final battle has the only good in-game graphics.
Graphics (1/10)

Sound/Voice
I have one thing to say. HA HA HA HA HA! The voice and sound are laughable. The music in the background is annoying and old, and boss music doesn't have time to hit my ears, because most of the bosses can be defeated within 5 seconds. The voice is even worse than that. Sound does not match lips. The sound is the reason I died fighting Knuckles as Sonic. After my first attack connected, Knuckles let out an unemotional, ''Oh no.'' Notice that there is not ''!'' after ''Oh no.'' He says it as if he were having a casual talk with Sonic. I laughed so hard I dropped my controller and died.
Sound/Voice (1/10)

Gameplay
I do have to give this game some credit. I had some fun playing it. Sonic levels were solid, E-102 was okay, and Tails was not too bad. This leaves the others. Big, Knuckles, and Amy are not fun to be. Knuckle's levels are boring. Amy's levels are also very stupid (partly because she doesn't run well), and Big... well. Big's levels are the source of all evil. Everything wrong with this Earth can be traced back to Big the Cat. His levels take so long to beat, and they are stupid. Why did Big die when his fish got away? I would nominate Froggy as the smartest character ever for running away from Big.
Gameplay (5/10)

Logic
I know this isn't a real category, but it needs to be addressed. Station Square could never exist. Period. An eternal stream of the same three cars drives from the part of town you aren't in to the underground parking lot that you can't enter. Another thing that is wrong is that the trains cannot leave the station without a deformed animal or robot on board. There are only three workers at the train terminal. And all three stop you from entering when they go on ''strike.'' The casino is one of the least sense-making things in the city. Only deformed animals with special powers can enter the casino. When you get in the casino, there seems to be nobody working there. Slot machines easily give up rings when hit. The only games worth playing there are specially designed for Sonic, leaving human gamblers out of luck. Twinkle Park is just as bad. There are no workers, and the place seems to have been taken over by Dr. Robotnik and his little monkey robots. On the Egg Carrier, you would think Robotnik's security would be atleast a little tighter. There are no enemies that present a danger to you onboard. And once again, Robotnik could never afford or build the Egg Carrier.
I wont rate this game on logic, I just thought I should point that stuff out

Overall
This game has many, many, numerous faults. That fact aside, I had some fun with this game. Just one warning: DO NOT BUY THIS GAME. Rent it and play for a weekend. The bonus games are not worth it. Make sure you beat it with every character (even Big) so you can get the best part of the game. I won't tell you what it is, but I will tell you there is a secret character if you beat the whole regular game. If you've played atleast 2 other Sonic titles, you already know who it is.
Overall (2/10)

Since when is logic important, or even relevant in games? The only thing I agree with here is that Big's levels sucked.

[OcarinaMan]

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

Reviewed by Pat Boone

I've played 5 Super Nintendo RPGs (Role Playing Games): Chrono Trigger,
Final Fantasy 2, Final Fantasy 3, Super Mario RPG & Legend of Zelda. And
unfortunately, the Legend of Zelda is the one I liked the least

In this game, you play as Link, who has to save Princess Zelda, get 3 medals,
then get 7 crystals, then beat the final boss. You walk around a large map,
fighting enemies and getting powerups, till you get to puzzle filled dungeons
where you have to beat a boss to get an item (a medal, a crystal or Zelda,
depending on what stage of the game you're at).

You fight enemies by swinging at them with your sword, unlike in other
RPGs, where you enter the attack you wish to perform, then watch the
computer execute it.

These are some of the reasons why I disliked this game

1) Compared to the others, this game has very little story development,
especially after you rescue Zelda (which takes place near the beginning
of the game). After that it's just - go to dungeon, beat boss, get item that
will let you enter next dungeon - and so on until you get to the final
dungeon and beat the final boss. This is unlike the other RPGs, where
the story continually develops.

2) Movement within the game world: Suppose you've just completed a
dungeon and beaten its boss. To get to the next dungeon, you have to
WALK all the way across the world map, fighting enemies and overcoming
obstacles, till you get to it. This can be very tedious. And it happens
THROUGHOUT the game! Unlike the other RPGs, which make travel easier
(e.g. via the airship in the Final Fantasy games, the Epoch in Chrono Trigger).
Later on in the game, you get a magic flute which enables you to transport
to certain areas on the map, but you still need to walk a fair distance from
these points to the dungeons.

3) Save points. There are only 3 (or 4, I forget) places you can save your
game in the entire world! You cannot save within dungeons either - you
either defeat all the enemies AND the boss in one go, or else you have to
start again at a save point, walk ALL THE WAY to the dungeon, and try again.
This can be VERY frustrating indeed!

Graphics 4 out of 5

The graphics are pretty good compared to the other RPGs. The backgrounds
are colorful and well detailed.

Music and Sound 3 out of 5

The background music (which plays throughout the game) is fair. Nothing
spectacular, though (in my opinion).

Game Challenge 10 out of 10

Some of the dungeons in this game are VERY challenging, especially
towards the end. Many dungeons have numerous doorways, and it's often
very difficult figuring out which one you have to enter to get to a certain
destination. Also, you have to do certain things in certain rooms to be
able to access other rooms, and this is not always intuitive. If you love
hard puzzles, this is the game for you.

Game Play-Fun 2 out of 10

I did not find this game fun at all, for the reasons I described at the
beginning of this review. I found it very frustrating.

(Replayability 2 out of 10

After finishing the game, you'll probably wait a few weeks until trying
it again. The game is pretty linear, and there's not much you'd want to
try differently the next time'.

Game Value 1 out of 10

My advice? If you want to purchase an RPG, go with one of the Final Fantasy
Games, or Chrono Trigger.

Overall 1 out of 10

This game's frustration factor was so high it took all the fun out of it for
me. The other games I compared this one to: (Chrono Trigger, Final Fantasy 2
& Final Fantasy 3, Super Mario RPG) all have (in my opinion) better gameplay,
better music and better stories. However, if you love solving tough puzzles,
and don't mind going through long and tedious paths in order to get to
destinations, this game is the game for you.

Zelda games are not RPGs! Sheesh...

[superplyr10]

Firstly, I will state that this isn't a fighting game. Now, let me now explain why it is far from worship, something which shouldn't be very difficult to do. I simply cannot understand why this game is so overrated ? Is it because of a lack of titles in the genre on the GameCube or is it just because the game is by Nintendo and it's the sequel to Super Smash Bros. ? Either way, SSBM falls short of being a worthy addition to the library and I don't recommend it to anyone.

Big cast doesn't mean more fun !

Super Smash Bros. Melee (man, is that a long title !) is a beat-em-up/party game featuring one of the most amazing casts ever. Mario, Luigi, Pikachu, Donkey Kong, Link, nearly all of Nintendo's characters meet in this party game just for the sake of hitting each other. Now, this would seem to give the game an exceptional lifespan since there are so many characters and you need to spend several hours unlocking all the secret ones. And I will not even mention how certain people thought it would be funny to submit false codes to achieve these and others found it funnier to verify them when they didn't even work.

So, the game may have an incredible cast but the problem resides in the fact that most of them have the same moves and the same commands. This makes the 'wonderful' cast pointless as having several characters share the same moves takes away all the surprise and the excitement which I originally felt after unlocking the first secret character. However, as time passed and I tried each character that I successfully unlocked, I was more frustrated because one character would control just like the previous one and thus offer nothing new. As a matter of fact, I eventually considered the whole quest to unlock characters to be boring since I was not even being rewarded for all my efforts and the hours I spent playing the game.

Trophy collecting and other challenges are fun…the first time !

SSBM is packed with event challenges and the trophy collecting is without doubt the longest and the most addictive mini-game. These are well-done and will literally glue you to your TV for hours on end as your thirst for trophies is never satisfied. The problem here is that they are addictive only the first time. Complete everything once and what does that leave you ? Only a multi-player game. In short, don't rush through the challenges because otherwise, the game doesn't have a very long lifespan.

And even the multi-player mode suffers from serious flaws. Sure, bringing a bunch of friends along -usually 3- and being able to use items, power-ups, bombs and everything else is fun but it loses its charm after a while due to its repetitiveness. The controls let it down even more. Throwing a bomb leaves you open for anything and most of the items that let you attack an opponent have the same drawbacks. Thankfully, the relative easiness of the moves makes up for this but that's a no-no in my book !

SSBM has nothing to offer after one week!

I was particularly disappointed with the way the game loses all its charm after a short while. Heck, even the multi-player mode isn't even fun and becomes boring after barely 30 minutes. The game is way too easy with pathetic moves and ''combos'' that any scrub can pull. Moreover, the game features (dodge, shield,…) have been rushed and although there are quite a lot of features, they are all basically the same such that you'll have mastered everything within hours. Where is the variety ? The game lacks depth and barely manages to be interesting although it can still be fun at times. The CPU's low AI makes things even more pathetic. It doesn't really take long to figure out everything in the game and anybody will grasp every aspect in a short time.

Why have good graphics and an excellent soundtrack when the game is so shallow ?

The shallowness of the game is extremely surprising indeed considering how the visuals and the soundtrack of SSBM are excellent. All the characters look fabulous and are well-detailed. They still have that unique feeling they had back in their original game although everything is a bit too colorful. The backgrounds are very nice with amazing light effects. SSBM is really a masterpiece when it comes to the visuals. Well, coming from Nintendo, this isn't really a surprise.

The soundtrack consists essentially of the older themes which haunted our childhood days in games like Mario Bros, Zelda, Donkey Kong. They really give the game a nostalgic feeling and if you liked the original themes, you'll really enjoy the soundtrack of SSBM. This isn't necessarily good in some cases since some of the music wasn't meant for a beat-em-up but thankfully, the majority managed to blend in perfectly.

The controls don't fit in properly though. They don't respond well and do not suit each action that perfectly. There even seems to be some randomness thrown in which makes everything really frustrating. The lousy GC controller doesn't help things either but this problem doesn't show that much once you are accustomed to the game (which doesn't take long as I already said).

Overall, SSBM is a good title but it sadly lacks replay value. The fun-factor is tremendous the first time you play it but isn't worth playing a second time. Even the 4-player mode becomes boring and the controls will rapidly turn the fight into a real one -- watch out for black eyes ! The challenges lose all their interest on the second try such that you'll be left with a title that will only collect dust along with those obscure titles. Rent it first !

Zoxea :
+ Great visuals and soundtracks
+ Events challenging the first time

Proxea :
- Lousy controls
- No replay value
- Absolutely no depth
- Characters too similar

~ Score: 4 ~


This guy's controller must be broken if the characters don't respond to his controls.

[OcarinaMan]

Is this game really that good? I don't think so. I'm seeing everybody talk about how good it is and how it is better than Ocarina of Time (which is hard, because that game is currently the highest rated game of the 64 byte+ dynasty), and I'm thinking, ''What's the big deal?'' But I'm probably one of the few people in the world that thinks this, but I have my reasons.

Graphics: 6/10
Honestly speaking from my opinion, this game's graphics suck compared to OoT. Actually, it's only a little worse, but remember, OoT was released 23 months ago. I was expecting something like Perfect Dark, but I didn't get it.

Story: 4/10
It's kind of cheesy. Link has 72 hours to do certain tasks to prevent this big moon-thingy from crashing onto Earth, bla bla bla. He can wear masks to be able to change to different personalities. When the 72 hours are up and the tasks are done, we go back in time again. Sounds like a combination between Groundhog Day and Kirby 64. I'm not completely sure if this is the real story, but this is what I heard.

Gameplay: 5/10
I find it tougher to control Link in this game than in OoT. Sometimes he walks when I'm trying to get him to run. And occasionally there are these rumblings on the screen. Maybe my version has bugs, but it certainly taints this score. In the end I just gave up and watch what happens when I lose the game. That was pretty fun.

Replayability: 3/10
I find most of the fun in games is to play around, but this game's 72-hours only system does not allow us to do that. That certainly ruins things.

Buy/Rent: I would do neither, but then again, I'm not a Zelda fan. For Zelda fans, you'll probably buy it even if I say not to, so what's the point.

Overall Score: 5/10 (It gets a slight boost because it's for Nintendo, and I'm more for Nintendo than Sony or Sega.)

What an idiot.

[[sage]]

for not liking majora's mask?

[superplyr10]

He thinks the rumblings are bugs in his game. He doesn't know the story. He thinks the graphics suck. He can't be that smart.

[The Yoshimaster]

A review on Mario 64:

After gorging himself of late night pizza and pasta, Mario was poked in the belly by the belligerent Shiggy! “Wake up! Time to go save the Princess again!” exclaimed Shiggy. “Hey! I want-a more break time.” muttered our portly plumber. “Bah! It’s time for your 3D appearance!” yelled back the angry Shiggy. “I’m-a too sleepy!” answered Mario. “Fine, then I guess Sonic was right about you being a big fat loser!” said Shiggy. Mario opened his eyes wide and with a deep booming voice said, “SONIC! I’ll show that no good mammal punk!” Shiggy feared Mario was just too fat to go back to his old ways, so Shiggy thought he’d maybe tweak the gameplay a little with the 3D hardware. UH-OH! Sounds like bad news to me!

If you bought a Nintendo 64 at launch date, you most likely picked up a copy of Super Mario 64 (SM64). Unfortunately Mario is probably in his worst form ever because Nintendo decided to completely change the entire formula. Well....maybe not the entire formula. The repulsive reptile Bowser has once again kidnapped our precious pink Princess and Mario is the only one that can save him. However Mario has put on a few pounds since his last encounter with the turtle of evil, and now he can’t stand combat.

Our hero’s main goal is no longer getting to the end of a stage but rather collecting 120 magical stars hidden throughout the Mushroom Kingdom’s castle. This is the tragic flaw with SM64 that destroys it. The star collecting brings a spiral of flaws into this somewhat boring title.

So I’m Mario. I jump out of a green pipe into a wonderful 3D world. I go into the first stage. In each level there are six hidden stars. You’ll need more stars to unlock doors to more stages and to Bowser himself. At first the game isn’t too bad except that acquiring these stars is too easy. For example the first star in the game requires Mario to travel up a mountain and fight a boss. The boss is WAY too easy, as all you need to do is run behind him and throw him on the ground several times. After the baddie has been defeated you’ll have a star! This whole star takes about one or two minutes to get. Later on you’ll need to do other easy things such as collecting red coins, jumping over the many perilous pits, and even catching penguins. Now the fact that obtaining these stars is so simplistic is pretty enraging for me, but eventually there will be an even worse flaw.

At first you have many levels at your fingertips, but as you go on and collect stars there will be fewer and fewer stages appearing. This then leads Mario to having to constantly repeat the same old tired levels over and over again. After playing through the desert level twice I was sick and tired of it, but I still needed to venture into the sandy dunes for those damn stars - otherwise I wouldn’t be able to access newer levels. There is pretty much only one way to fix this problem: turn off the game and wait awhile until the level doesn’t seem so old. I felt that I shouldn’t have to go through these lengths to have some fun with SM64. I’d get two stars, then play my Super Nintendo, and eventually go back to the 3D version of the Mushroom Kingdom.

The levels aren’t too annoying the first time you play through them. Each stage is vast and spacious with interesting power-ups. Mario has three special caps (red, green, and blue) to aid him on his journey. The red winged cap allows Mario to soar through the sky like a bird. This ability gives the player access to the nooks and crannies of the level high above the air. The green cap encases this Italian plumber in solid steel, which makes him to sink to the bottom of lakes for retrieving any sunken goods. The blue cap makes Mario invisible to enemies and gives him the eerie ghost powers to move through certain walls. These caps will let you see everything in each level, but this still doesn’t change the fact that it’s boring to have to replay every stage. But the worst part of SM64 is the combat.

Simply put there barely is any combat in the entire game. Very few enemies are present in this title. There are swarms of goombas for you to beat on, but why are there only a few koopa troopas, shy guys, and ba-bombs? In addition almost every enemy can be beaten with one punch. If this doesn’t make the combat easy enough, Mario now has a power meter. Our protagonist can be hit up to eight times, and he can easily heal himself by collecting the ever so abundant coins. But then again Nintendo did get one thing right.

Pitfalls! We all hate them, but if they weren’t in a Mario game, it would be a crime. Luckily Nintendo didn’t leave these bad boys out of the game. The only problem is that now there aren’t all those enemies hanging around, pits are now all over the place. Unfortunately jumping will take time to get used to in this new 3D world, but when you get the hang of it you’ll be ok.

Swimming levels have returned in full 3D, and it’s extremely dull and tedious. Mario swims very slowly, probably a forth of his running speed. This makes those water levels annoying to the point in which you want to rip your hair out. Thankfully there aren’t many stages that take place in the deep ocean.

Probably one of the most annoying aspects of any 3D game is a problem with the camera. Nintendo however was able to implement a top-notch camera system that allows you to control. You can zoom in and out, turn it around, or even put it right behind Mario. This makes jumping over those pits a piece of cake. Learn how to employ the camera system and you’ll survive.

SM64 does have one excellent aspect of great gameplay: control. The N64 controller must have been designed for this game. The controls are easy to learn, and every button seems like it’s in the exact correct location.

The graphics are horrible! Everything in this entire game is blocky. Mario looks so fat from his rectangular stomach. This truly shows that 2D graphics can look better than 3D polygons. The entire game graphically needs work. The backgrounds sport bland colors with a few sparse jagged edges. In addition there is a lot of fog throughout this title - but luckily it doesn’t hinder the gameplay. But probably the worst aspect of the graphics is the implementation of a few 2D sprite along with the mass quantities of blocky polygons. The 2D sprites are out of place, and have horrible jagged edges when meshed into this 3D world. The horror!

The music in this title is just horrible. Most of the music consists of short tunes that repeat constantly, but the worst part is the lack of familiar Mario music. I was very disappointed to only hear two or three familiar tunes from the beloved series. Also being the first Nintendo 64 game, it gave me a bleak outlook on the future of N64 music. The synth was absolutely horrible - the Super Nintendo sounds better then this thing. That’s not a good sign - when your old system sounds better then the new one.

The sound effects where decent however. Mario has several wonderful voice-overs with his pseudo-Italian accent. In addition the cartoony “poofs” and “booms” go very well with the game’s cheerful mood.

Overall SM64 was a pretty poor Mario game. It focuses too much of exploring levels over and over again to retrieve stars rather than good old Mario action. However the controls and camera system are amazingly well done making this game at least tolerable.

First of all, half of his review isn't reviewing anything. He's ranting about how bad it is. If a reviewer starts off by saying how bad something is, and gives shakey proof for that at the end, you know it's gonna be a crap review.

The graphics suck? Compared to what, exactly? Back when the N64 hit stores, the best systems out there were 32-bit. Compare the PS1's graphics to the N64's and I'll laugh.

He says that Nintendo decided to "completely change the entire formula." Well, yeah, when going from a side-scrolling platformer to a huge 3D environment, that tends to happen.

The rest of his "points" are about how poor the combat was. This isn't Mortal Kombat, where the entire gameplay system is based on combat. Most of it is based on skillfully clearing obstacles, with combat thrown in there to increase the overall challenge.

[AJ Middleton]

I don't like Sonic the Hedgehog. He is a punk kid/adult thing... .

Wait...what?

For that Mario 64 review, I feel like an X-Box fanboy wrote it after playing the game last week.

[ July 05, 2004, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: Sir Bolt ]

[Beam Yosho the Drunkard]

The graphics are horrible! Everything in this entire game is blocky. Mario looks so fat from his rectangular stomach. This truly shows that 2D graphics can look better than 3D polygons. The entire game graphically needs work. The backgrounds sport bland colors with a few sparse jagged edges. In addition there is a lot of fog throughout this title - but luckily it doesn’t hinder the gameplay. But probably the worst aspect of the graphics is the implementation of a few 2D sprite along with the mass quantities of blocky polygons. The 2D sprites are out of place, and have horrible jagged edges when meshed into this 3D world. The horror!

Of course, comparing it to todays graphics, of course it does, ya whelp.
Plus, it's pretty much the FIRST 3-D game for N64. I'd say they did quite well.

For example the first star in the game requires Mario to travel up a mountain and fight a boss. The boss is WAY too easy, as all you need to do is run behind him and throw him on the ground several times.

First bosses tend to be easy in almost any game.

At first you have many levels at your fingertips, but as you go on and collect stars there will be fewer and fewer stages appearing.

No, really?

Swimming levels have returned in full 3D, and it’s extremely dull and tedious. Mario swims very slowly, probably a forth of his running speed.

People tend to run faster than they swim. Plus, it's more 1/2 the normal running speed.

Simply put there barely is any combat in the entire game. Very few enemies are present in this title. There are swarms of goombas for you to beat on, but why are there only a few koopa troopas, shy guys, and ba-bombs?

Actually, that's a good point. At least in the earlier levels.

The music in this title is just horrible. Most of the music consists of short tunes that repeat constantly, but the worst part is the lack of familiar Mario music.

They weren't tunes. Tunes usually are less than aminute long, such as Friday the 13th's 'music' or especially Hydlide's(ugh.)
Plus, because tehy're new doesn't mean they suck.

Probably one of the most annoying aspects of any 3D game is a problem with the camera. Nintendo however was able to implement a top-notch camera system that allows you to control. You can zoom in and out, turn it around, or even put it right behind Mario. This makes jumping over those pits a piece of cake. Learn how to employ the camera system and you’ll survive.

Odd, that sounds rather good to me.

In addition almost every enemy can be beaten with one punch.

And simply jumping on them wasn't as simple?

[ July 06, 2004, 08:56 AM: Message edited by: Beam Yosho the Drunkard ]