My boyfriend broke up with me because I wasn't "communicating enough."

Sonic 5 · 10-23-2010, 03:15 PM

And because I was, "ignoring him," and, "not considering his emotions."

He considers not answering a text or IM for twenty minutes to be ignoring, even if that text or IM was something ridiculously inane like, "lol."

He obviously considered my emotions though, when he'd regularly accuse me of cheating on him with absolutely no basis and routinely make me feel like ****.

I'm glad to be rid of the ****er. I hope he knocks up his next girlfriend.

(Also, I'm going to be making a mini-bonfire later of all his stuff that I have. Am I being a *****? I don't even really care.)

***CaptHayfever*** · 10-23-2010, 03:37 PM

As long as you practice proper fire safety procedures, I see nothing wrong with your reaction. He was being clingy & needy & obsessive & selfish.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

**Loot** · 10-23-2010, 05:22 PM

Take picture, show it to him, feast on his tears.

***The Doctor*** · 10-23-2010, 06:25 PM

I can only echo capt's words really. He didn't sound like he was right for you to begin with. Also remember the fire safety triangle.

Fairlight Excalibur · 10-23-2010, 06:34 PM

Post his phone number on random websites as a male-seeking-male. [/juvenile]

Speed · 10-23-2010, 08:49 PM

1. Don't burn his stuff, sell it.

2. If this is the same guy who was getting all bitchy-jealous then you're better off.

***Ace Mercury*** · 10-23-2010, 09:39 PM

A lot of the time, relationships don't work out because the two expect different levels of intimacy. Some people are fine with a long-distance relationship with a postcard on weekends. Others need to know what you're thinking at all possible moments in time, every breath you take, every move you make, every word you say, every game you play, etc. Sometimes, it's a pity because the two would be a fine couple. In this case, he doesn't sound like all that and a bag of chips. Take that what you will.

Sonic 5 · 10-24-2010, 03:30 PM

Last night, he basically said that he felt extremely bad about what he said to me/put me through and really beat himself up over it.

We're back together.

I feel like this is just going to be a cycle.

Vgfian · 10-24-2010, 03:45 PM

You have to really care for the guy if you go through all that and then are willing to get back together. It probably will be, I hope for the best and that it doesn't, but with your descriptions of the guy, I can't see it getting better soon...

Either way, I don't think you were overreacting and you weren't being a ***** or if you were it was at least somewhat justifiable.

I'll pray for you guys, and that things turn out best for the both of you.

Jere · 10-24-2010, 04:43 PM

If it happends again you can tell it's a cycle atleast, then you can sell/burn his stuff.

But until then Best of luck!

***Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds*** · 10-24-2010, 07:51 PM

Well, ironically enough, you'll need to put in a bit of effort to communicate to this guy. Like Ace said, everyone wants something in particular from a relationship, and unless you have it out in the open what YOU think is acceptable, and what HE does, then these same problems will crop up again because you are aiming for two different goals.

My suggestion is, make a list of what you want, and ask him to make a list of what he wants, then share those lists with each other. Once you've read them over, give yourselves some time to think about it (a day or two) before discussing those needs. Think about what you can compromise on, and think about how to explain why you might not be able to meet some of those needs (for instance, "I don't necessarily know I have a text the moment I get it, so if it takes me a while to reply, that's just because I haven't seen my phone, it's not because I'm trying to ignore you"; frankly, anything that isn't either face-to-face or a phonecall has a certain, sometimes large, amount of time-lapse in reply).

You really need to have that conversation with him, though. It's okay to need different things in a relationship, but it's not okay to pretend that the other person just "knows" what you want, or is going to be okay with you not provide what they want.

And for future note, if you have his stuff, just give it back. There's no point destroying it, no matter what you think when you're hurting.

Good luck, and I really hope things turn out better this time around.

By the way, I should add that all those things you've told us are overwhelmingly obvious signs that he is severely insecure. I'm going to be very honest with you: he can't just "fix" that about himself. If you really care about him, you will also need to help him get over those feelings. But there is always, always a point where someone is being a jerk as well as insecure, and it's also up to you to decide how much you're willing to take. But part of a relationship with an insecurity is doing your best to be open, trustworthy, supportive, and understanding, and try to show your partner that they don't need to feel those things with you. It's always going to come down to what YOU personally can deal with, though. You don't want to stick around in misery if you can't deal with it, because that won't help anyone. So... yeah. Just try to be gentle with him when you're discussing your needs, because he probably isn't trying to be suspicious and insecure, it's an emotional problem that will heal with time and effort from you both.

I REALLY HATE POKEMON! · 10-26-2010, 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sonic 5

Last night, he basically said that he felt extremely bad about what he said to me/put me through and really beat himself up over it.

We're back together.

I feel like this is just going to be a cycle.

Judging from what I've read in this topic, what he did isn't so bad that you couldn't give him another chance. But this post stood out to me because someone I know keeps crawling back to the same swine, knowing it will be an unhealthy cycle.

I am curious as to what you were thinking when you took him back, to get a kind of idea of why a person would go back to someone while knowing that it will just be the same old story all over again.

***Cosmonautical*** · 10-27-2010, 07:34 AM

Things aren't cut-and-dry like that, IRHP. People learn lessons, and you don't have to begrudge them their mistakes. If it's happened twice already, it's a different story. Sometimes the abused person sympathizes too greatly with their abuser, but most often they simply lack the confidence and sense of self-worth necessary to walk away. That's part of being abused; people become victims by letting it happen to them at all. They often feel that it is in part their own fault, because they understood the abuser's thought patterns so well.

10-23-2010, 03:15 PM	#1
Sonic 5 Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Bamamama Gender: Posts: 2,159 Thanks: 13 Thanked 8 Times in 8 Posts	My boyfriend broke up with me because I wasn't "communicating enough." And because I was, "ignoring him," and, "not considering his emotions." He considers not answering a text or IM for twenty minutes to be ignoring, even if that text or IM was something ridiculously inane like, "lol." He obviously considered my emotions though, when he'd regularly accuse me of cheating on him with absolutely no basis and routinely make me feel like **. I'm glad to be rid of the er. I hope he knocks up his next girlfriend. (Also, I'm going to be making a mini-bonfire later of all his stuff that I have. Am I being a ***? I don't even really care.)

10-24-2010, 07:51 PM	#11
*Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds* Admin "mine.. not yours. NO. MINE." Epic Ladynerd Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Forteresse de Valois Gender: Posts: 28,504 Thanks: 1,658 Thanked 1,820 Times in 1,042 Posts	Well, ironically enough, you'll need to put in a bit of effort to communicate to this guy. Like Ace said, everyone wants something in particular from a relationship, and unless you have it out in the open what YOU think is acceptable, and what HE does, then these same problems will crop up again because you are aiming for two different goals. My suggestion is, make a list of what you want, and ask him to make a list of what he wants, then share those lists with each other. Once you've read them over, give yourselves some time to think about it (a day or two) before discussing those needs. Think about what you can compromise on, and think about how to explain why you might not be able to meet some of those needs (for instance, "I don't necessarily know I have a text the moment I get it, so if it takes me a while to reply, that's just because I haven't seen my phone, it's not because I'm trying to ignore you"; frankly, anything that isn't either face-to-face or a phonecall has a certain, sometimes large, amount of time-lapse in reply). You really need to have that conversation with him, though. It's okay to need different things in a relationship, but it's not okay to pretend that the other person just "knows" what you want, or is going to be okay with you not provide what they want. And for future note, if you have his stuff, just give it back. There's no point destroying it, no matter what you think when you're hurting. Good luck, and I really hope things turn out better this time around. By the way, I should add that all those things you've told us are overwhelmingly obvious signs that he is severely insecure. I'm going to be very honest with you: he can't just "fix" that about himself. If you really care about him, you will also need to help him get over those feelings. But there is always, always a point where someone is being a jerk as well as insecure, and it's also up to you to decide how much you're willing to take. But part of a relationship with an insecurity is doing your best to be open, trustworthy, supportive, and understanding, and try to show your partner that they don't need to feel those things with you. It's always going to come down to what YOU personally can deal with, though. You don't want to stick around in misery if you can't deal with it, because that won't help anyone. So... yeah. Just try to be gentle with him when you're discussing your needs, because he probably isn't trying to be suspicious and insecure, it's an emotional problem that will heal with time and effort from you both. Last edited by Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds; 10-24-2010 at 07:51 PM. Reason: Automerged Doublepost

10-23-2010, 03:37 PM	#2
*CaptHayfever* Smash SuperMod Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: (n) - the place where I am Gender: Posts: 27,661 Thanks: 1,991 Thanked 2,486 Times in 1,513 Posts	As long as you practice proper fire safety procedures, I see nothing wrong with your reaction. He was being clingy & needy & obsessive & selfish. And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

10-23-2010, 05:22 PM	#3
Loot Apparently I'm a mod? Join Date: May 2001 Location: LEGITIMATE BUSINESS Gender: Posts: 13,208 Thanks: 236 Thanked 1,237 Times in 659 Posts	Take picture, show it to him, feast on his tears.

10-23-2010, 06:25 PM	#4
*The Doctor* The Last Timelord. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: In the TARDIS Gender: Posts: 13,880 Thanks: 915 Thanked 656 Times in 426 Posts Blog Entries: 1	I can only echo capt's words really. He didn't sound like he was right for you to begin with. Also remember the fire safety triangle.

10-23-2010, 06:34 PM	#5
Fairlight Excalibur Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: LA Gender: Posts: 880 Thanks: 72 Thanked 111 Times in 82 Posts Blog Entries: 1	Post his phone number on random websites as a male-seeking-male. [/juvenile]

10-23-2010, 08:49 PM	#6
Speed Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: If there's a bright center to the universe I'm on the planet it's farthest from Gender: Posts: 3,747 Thanks: 1,598 Thanked 320 Times in 224 Posts Blog Entries: 1	1. Don't burn his stuff, sell it. 2. If this is the same guy who was getting all bitchy-jealous then you're better off.

10-23-2010, 09:39 PM	#7
*Ace Mercury* Marshmallow Knight ☆ Supermod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Southern Ontario Gender: Posts: 23,275 Thanks: 568 Thanked 3,297 Times in 1,582 Posts Blog Entries: 1	A lot of the time, relationships don't work out because the two expect different levels of intimacy. Some people are fine with a long-distance relationship with a postcard on weekends. Others need to know what you're thinking at all possible moments in time, every breath you take, every move you make, every word you say, every game you play, etc. Sometimes, it's a pity because the two would be a fine couple. In this case, he doesn't sound like all that and a bag of chips. Take that what you will.

10-24-2010, 03:30 PM	#8
Sonic 5 Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Bamamama Gender: Posts: 2,159 Thanks: 13 Thanked 8 Times in 8 Posts	Last night, he basically said that he felt extremely bad about what he said to me/put me through and really beat himself up over it. We're back together. I feel like this is just going to be a cycle.

10-24-2010, 03:45 PM	#9
Vgfian Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Listening to Seeking 7 Seven and giving out free hugs. :) Gender: Posts: 6,862 Thanks: 2,433 Thanked 398 Times in 311 Posts	You have to really care for the guy if you go through all that and then are willing to get back together. It probably will be, I hope for the best and that it doesn't, but with your descriptions of the guy, I can't see it getting better soon... Either way, I don't think you were overreacting and you weren't being a ***** or if you were it was at least somewhat justifiable. I'll pray for you guys, and that things turn out best for the both of you.

10-24-2010, 04:43 PM	#10
Jere Senior Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Sutme Gender: Posts: 3,650 Thanks: 404 Thanked 331 Times in 256 Posts Blog Entries: 3	If it happends again you can tell it's a cycle atleast, then you can sell/burn his stuff. But until then Best of luck!

10-27-2010, 07:34 AM	#13
*Cosmonautical* Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: I rub my tilde all over your asterisk Gender: Posts: 28,102 Thanks: 2,157 Thanked 5,338 Times in 2,433 Posts	Things aren't cut-and-dry like that, IRHP. People learn lessons, and you don't have to begrudge them their mistakes. If it's happened twice already, it's a different story. Sometimes the abused person sympathizes too greatly with their abuser, but most often they simply lack the confidence and sense of self-worth necessary to walk away. That's part of being abused; people become victims by letting it happen to them at all. They often feel that it is in part their own fault, because they understood the abuser's thought patterns so well.