Vital Information!!

Bomby · 07-28-2011, 10:04 PM

1. 40% of pedestrians fail at life.
When you see this:

DON'T ****ING CROSS THE STREET.

Seriously, I was driving home from work a few days ago, and I was at a traffic light, and there was this family who waited until the goddamn hand showed up to cross the street. A mother and her children. I almost had to run them over out of principle.

ALSO

There is such a thing as a crosswalk. It looks like this:

If you are on a relatively busy street in the center of a city, there is a strong likelihood that there are a few of these scattered along the way. These are generally the best places to cross these streets. You know why? BECAUSE THEY'RE THE ONLY LEGAL PLACES TO CROSS THE STREET.

Old people jaywalk a lot and I hate them.

2. If you're can't tell that you're straddling the white dotted line, you shouldn't be driving.
Also, you're driving 10 mph below the speed limit. I need to get to work on time, and it would be nice if I could merge into that other lane so I can go the speed limit and pass you. I know the idea of going to work might seem like an absurd idea at 4pm on a Saturday, but some of us have jobs with erratic hours.

3. Kohl's Cash is a coupon.
It is not legal tender. The first thing it says in the fine print is "This is not legal tender." We are not giving you free money, we are giving you a coupon. We are not required by law to give you this coupon, we are doing it as a favor to you for shopping with us. Also, because we want you to shop with us some more. Because it is a coupon, we have the right to impose a rule that says that the Kohl's Cash be taken off your transaction before the percent off coupon that you are using on the same transaction. It's a coupon. We made it up.

4. If you hated the predecessor, don't see the sequel.
Especially if you're going to subsequently complain about how you wish Hollywood would start making better films on your way out of the theater. If you hated the second and third Pirates of the Caribbean movies, and you've noticed that the fourth one is getting terrible reviews, why on earth are you going to see it? Seriously. Beginners is out right now and it looks pretty good. I haven't seen it yet myself, but if I had your money, I'd at least try something new instead of seeing the sequel to something I disliked.

5. Can we riot yet?
Seriously, Scott Walker is closing DMV's in Democratic districts after imposing a mandatory voter ID law and his cronies in the state legislature are clearly gerrymandering.

6. Stop using the phrase "it's the same difference."
It sounds dumb and you sound dumb for using it. Seriously. Is it that hard to say "it's the same thing," or do you really feel the need to add an extra syllable with a word that makes zero sense? And don't give me that whole "dduuuurrrr, it's a colloquialism so you're not s'pose to take it srsly man." It's still annoying and idiotic and I should slap you.

7. Queen of the Damned is a terrible movie.
I used to think that Patch Adams was my all time least favorite movie. Not the objectively worst movie ever made, but simply my least favorite. Then I remembered this abhorrent piece of wretched turdliness that should have been aborted like a malignant fetus before it ever went into pre-production. Sadly, this was also the last major project that Aaliyah, who was totally awesome, worked on before her life was cut short by some cokehead who was trying to pilot an aircraft while high. This movie really sucks. It's like watching someone else read a vampire novel while screaming at an earth shattering volume every time they come across the word "the." Or maybe "suck," because vampires suck blood and this movie sucks something completely different.

8. Rashida Jones is hot.
Like, really, really hot.

Also, I should really get a girlfriend. Too bad the cute new girl at work is only 18. That's a bit too young for me right now. On the other hand, that cute Mexican girl is back from California and we've both been wanting to hang out with each other, so... that could be a possibility, I guess.

Dizzy · 07-28-2011, 10:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bomby

I almost had to run them over out of principal.

What now?

Panfan · 07-28-2011, 10:11 PM

#8 is so, so true

i mean these are pretty much all true, but #8 especially

Bomby · 07-28-2011, 10:12 PM

Oops, I meant "principle," not "principal." Running them over out of "principal" would be an interesting concept though, no?

Dux is not you · 07-28-2011, 10:18 PM

^ No.

Bomby · 07-28-2011, 10:21 PM

You are deducted 10 Schrute bucks, Dux.

Dizzy · 07-28-2011, 10:23 PM

A post relevant to the subject material, I find myself bothered by stuff like #6 too. Like what is "damn straight" supposed to mean anyway? And anything that makes driving harder is also suck.

Antisocial · 07-28-2011, 11:41 PM

Those who don't obey the red hand shall be punished.

***CaptHayfever*** · 07-28-2011, 11:49 PM

All due respect, man: I live in the middle of my block. My neighbors directly across the street are longtime family friends. We hang out at each other houses often. We're not walking down to the corner crosswalk & back every time we go back & forth between our homes that are less than 50 feet away from each other.

Here's some REAL Vital Information:

When you cough something up, never take it to school & tell people it's your friend Robert.

All is fair in love & war. All is smelly in a closet full of baboons.

Eenie, meenie, miney, moe, catch a tiger by its toe. If it hollers, let it go, because if you don't he's going to kill you!

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

Dux is not you · 07-29-2011, 12:16 AM

But that doesn't even rhyme

Rainbow Dash · 07-29-2011, 01:15 AM

i'll jaywalk if i want to when i see nobody coming :colbert:

Kargath · 07-29-2011, 04:40 AM

She looks a little derrrp though

***Ace Mercury*** · 07-29-2011, 07:56 AM

I hate how things anger me so much. I wish I could be more chill. I guess I could stop reading things that get me angry =/

Bomby · 07-29-2011, 09:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kargath

She looks a little derrrp though

Minus 20 Schrute bucks.

***The Doctor*** · 07-29-2011, 12:37 PM

I was thinking what's the hell's wrong with an 18 year old. Then I remember our age of consent is different.

Plus I'm not going to see the fourth PofC film until it's shown on TV.

***CaptHayfever*** · 07-29-2011, 03:02 PM

^18 is our age of consent. That's not the issue; the issue is the difference between their ages.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

**Deku Trii** · 07-29-2011, 04:02 PM

The age of consent is younger in some states.

Panfan · 07-29-2011, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kargath

She looks a little derrrp though

get out

Bomby · 07-29-2011, 07:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Doctor

I was thinking what's the hell's wrong with an 18 year old. Then I remember our age of consent is different.

Pretty much what Capt said. I'm about to be 24 in less than two months. Even if you apply the "half your age plus seven" rule (which would be 19 for me, and if she has an early birthday in the school year would make her meet that rule) the fact that she's just about to start college means that she's more than likely still mentally in high school. If I was 29 5-6 years younger wouldn't really matter to me, but at 24 it does.

Also, Rashida Jones is a Harvard graduate. No derrrp there. Not to mention she's on the best show ever (Parks & Recreation) and was in the best movie of 2010 (The Social Network). Safe to say, she is pretty damn awesome.

***Marilink*** · 07-29-2011, 11:57 PM

The early bird gets the worm. Fine! I didn't want the worm anyway!

07-28-2011, 10:04 PM	#1
Bomby You just freaking blew Joe Biden's mind! Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: WHAT?house Gender: Posts: 19,491 Thanks: 513 Thanked 1,449 Times in 849 Posts Blog Entries: 5	Vital Information!! 1. 40% of pedestrians fail at life. When you see this: DON'T ***ING CROSS THE STREET. Seriously, I was driving home from work a few days ago, and I was at a traffic light, and there was this family who waited until the goddamn hand showed up* to cross the street. A mother and her children. I almost had to run them over out of principle. ALSO There is such a thing as a crosswalk. It looks like this: If you are on a relatively busy street in the center of a city, there is a strong likelihood that there are a few of these scattered along the way. These are generally the best places to cross these streets. You know why? BECAUSE THEY'RE THE ONLY LEGAL PLACES TO CROSS THE STREET. Old people jaywalk a lot and I hate them. 2. If you're can't tell that you're straddling the white dotted line, you shouldn't be driving. Also, you're driving 10 mph below the speed limit. I need to get to work on time, and it would be nice if I could merge into that other lane so I can go the speed limit and pass you. I know the idea of going to work might seem like an absurd idea at 4pm on a Saturday, but some of us have jobs with erratic hours. 3. Kohl's Cash is a coupon. It is not legal tender. The first thing it says in the fine print is "This is not legal tender." We are not giving you free money, we are giving you a coupon. We are not required by law to give you this coupon, we are doing it as a favor to you for shopping with us. Also, because we want you to shop with us some more. Because it is a coupon, we have the right to impose a rule that says that the Kohl's Cash be taken off your transaction before the percent off coupon that you are using on the same transaction. It's a coupon. We made it up. 4. If you hated the predecessor, don't see the sequel. Especially if you're going to subsequently complain about how you wish Hollywood would start making better films on your way out of the theater. If you hated the second and third Pirates of the Caribbean movies, and you've noticed that the fourth one is getting terrible reviews, why on earth are you going to see it? Seriously. Beginners is out right now and it looks pretty good. I haven't seen it yet myself, but if I had your money, I'd at least try something new instead of seeing the sequel to something I disliked. 5. Can we riot yet? Seriously, Scott Walker is closing DMV's in Democratic districts after imposing a mandatory voter ID law and his cronies in the state legislature are clearly gerrymandering. 6. Stop using the phrase "it's the same difference." It sounds dumb and you sound dumb for using it. Seriously. Is it that hard to say "it's the same thing," or do you really feel the need to add an extra syllable with a word that makes zero sense? And don't give me that whole "dduuuurrrr, it's a colloquialism so you're not s'pose to take it srsly man." It's still annoying and idiotic and I should slap you. *7. Queen of the Damned* is a terrible movie.** I used to think that Patch Adams was my all time least favorite movie. Not the objectively worst movie ever made, but simply my least favorite. Then I remembered this abhorrent piece of wretched turdliness that should have been aborted like a malignant fetus before it ever went into pre-production. Sadly, this was also the last major project that Aaliyah, who was totally awesome, worked on before her life was cut short by some cokehead who was trying to pilot an aircraft while high. This movie really sucks. It's like watching someone else read a vampire novel while screaming at an earth shattering volume every time they come across the word "the." Or maybe "suck," because vampires suck blood and this movie sucks something completely different. 8. Rashida Jones is hot. Like, really, really hot. Also, I should really get a girlfriend. Too bad the cute new girl at work is only 18. That's a bit too young for me right now. On the other hand, that cute Mexican girl is back from California and we've both been wanting to hang out with each other, so... that could be a possibility, I guess. Last edited by Bomby; 07-28-2011 at 10:15 PM.

07-28-2011, 11:49 PM	#9
*CaptHayfever* Smash SuperMod Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: (n) - the place where I am Gender: Posts: 27,661 Thanks: 1,991 Thanked 2,486 Times in 1,513 Posts	All due respect, man: I live in the middle of my block. My neighbors directly across the street are longtime family friends. We hang out at each other houses often. We're not walking down to the corner crosswalk & back every time we go back & forth between our homes that are less than 50 feet away from each other. Here's some REAL Vital Information: When you cough something up, never take it to school & tell people it's your friend Robert. All is fair in love & war. All is smelly in a closet full of baboons. Eenie, meenie, miney, moe, catch a tiger by its toe. If it hollers, let it go, because if you don't he's going to kill you! And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!" Last edited by CaptHayfever; 07-28-2011 at 11:55 PM.

07-28-2011, 10:11 PM	#3
Panfan AND HE PRAYS Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Grayskull Gender: Posts: 18,806 Thanks: 1,405 Thanked 2,251 Times in 1,339 Posts Blog Entries: 15	#8 is so, so true i mean these are pretty much all true, but #8 especially

07-28-2011, 10:12 PM	#4
Bomby You just freaking blew Joe Biden's mind! Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: WHAT?house Gender: Posts: 19,491 Thanks: 513 Thanked 1,449 Times in 849 Posts Blog Entries: 5	Oops, I meant "principle," not "principal." Running them over out of "principal" would be an interesting concept though, no?

07-28-2011, 10:18 PM	#5
Dux is not you Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Not Columbia Gender: Posts: 1,976 Thanks: 92 Thanked 113 Times in 74 Posts Blog Entries: 1	^ No.

07-28-2011, 10:21 PM	#6
Bomby You just freaking blew Joe Biden's mind! Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: WHAT?house Gender: Posts: 19,491 Thanks: 513 Thanked 1,449 Times in 849 Posts Blog Entries: 5	You are deducted 10 Schrute bucks, Dux.

07-28-2011, 10:23 PM	#7
Dizzy Podiaphobe Join Date: Oct 2007 Gender: Posts: 19,359 Thanks: 1,764 Thanked 1,162 Times in 805 Posts Blog Entries: 116	A post relevant to the subject material, I find myself bothered by stuff like #6 too. Like what is "damn straight" supposed to mean anyway? And anything that makes driving harder is also suck.

07-28-2011, 11:41 PM	#8
Antisocial Janitor Join Date: May 2000 Gender: Posts: 11,471 Thanks: 14 Thanked 1,296 Times in 536 Posts	Or the red "DON'T WALK" sign, depending on where you are. Those who don't obey the red hand shall be punished.

07-29-2011, 12:16 AM	#10
Dux is not you Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Not Columbia Gender: Posts: 1,976 Thanks: 92 Thanked 113 Times in 74 Posts Blog Entries: 1	But that doesn't even rhyme

07-29-2011, 01:15 AM	#11
Rainbow Dash been dreamin', i've been waitin' Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: a bomb-ass cloud house bachelorette pad Gender: Posts: 24,402 Thanks: 173 Thanked 1,179 Times in 716 Posts	i'll jaywalk if i want to when i see nobody coming :colbert:

07-29-2011, 04:40 AM	#12
Kargath et in Arcadia ego Join Date: Jul 2001 Gender: Posts: 8,334 Thanks: 1,226 Thanked 780 Times in 488 Posts	She looks a little derrrp though

07-29-2011, 07:56 AM	#13
*Ace Mercury* Marshmallow Knight ☆ Supermod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Southern Ontario Gender: Posts: 23,275 Thanks: 568 Thanked 3,297 Times in 1,582 Posts Blog Entries: 1	I hate how things anger me so much. I wish I could be more chill. I guess I could stop reading things that get me angry =/

07-29-2011, 12:37 PM	#15
*The Doctor* The Last Timelord. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: In the TARDIS Gender: Posts: 13,880 Thanks: 915 Thanked 656 Times in 426 Posts Blog Entries: 1	I was thinking what's the hell's wrong with an 18 year old. Then I remember our age of consent is different. Plus I'm not going to see the fourth PofC film until it's shown on TV.

07-29-2011, 03:02 PM	#16
*CaptHayfever* Smash SuperMod Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: (n) - the place where I am Gender: Posts: 27,661 Thanks: 1,991 Thanked 2,486 Times in 1,513 Posts	^18 is our age of consent. That's not the issue; the issue is the difference between their ages. And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

07-29-2011, 04:02 PM	#17
Deku Trii PP&R Mod Current Events Mod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Texas Gender: Posts: 9,031 Thanks: 521 Thanked 1,099 Times in 583 Posts	The age of consent is younger in some states.

07-29-2011, 11:57 PM	#20
*Marilink* Gotta catch 'em all! Supermod! Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Location, Location. Gender: Posts: 29,118 Thanks: 2,535 Thanked 1,823 Times in 1,008 Posts	The early bird gets the worm. Fine! I didn't want the worm anyway!