Lost in Time - The Discussion Topic

**Wyborn** · 05-29-2003, 04:45 PM

Yep. This is where discussion of my little work is to go. All of it. Post comments, suggestions, short reviews....any input at all is appreciated. This story is going to be pretty short, so far as stories go, but I hope all of you like it. You can find it here.

[ May 29, 2003, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: Wyborn ]

**Wyborn** · 05-29-2003, 04:45 PM

Yep. This is where discussion of my little work is to go. All of it. Post comments, suggestions, short reviews....any input at all is appreciated. This story is going to be pretty short, so far as stories go, but I hope all of you like it. You can find it here.

[ May 29, 2003, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: Wyborn ]

Chunky64 · 05-29-2003, 07:08 PM

....WOW! And is it just my rabid shipper mind, or do I notice a hint of Ranchshipperness in there. If so, raise that wow to the googleplex power.

Chunky64 · 05-29-2003, 07:08 PM

....WOW! And is it just my rabid shipper mind, or do I notice a hint of Ranchshipperness in there. If so, raise that wow to the googleplex power.

**Wyborn** · 05-29-2003, 09:31 PM

Heh. Just your rabid Ranchshipper mind. I did say that he had made romantic advancements towards no one, much less Malon

**Wyborn** · 05-29-2003, 09:31 PM

Heh. Just your rabid Ranchshipper mind. I did say that he had made romantic advancements towards no one, much less Malon

SilverWind · 05-29-2003, 10:01 PM

Very nice, very ominous. ^^ You build up great suspense, Cam. I can't say that it has to end happily (because I know you'll do a GREAT job even if it doesn't), but... I'm so worried for Link, my oh my. XD;;

[ May 29, 2003, 10:02 PM: Message edited by: Rinoa Silvilly ]

SilverWind · 05-29-2003, 10:01 PM

Very nice, very ominous. ^^ You build up great suspense, Cam. I can't say that it has to end happily (because I know you'll do a GREAT job even if it doesn't), but... I'm so worried for Link, my oh my. XD;;

[ May 29, 2003, 10:02 PM: Message edited by: Rinoa Silvilly ]

The Minish Link · 05-29-2003, 11:32 PM

Wyborn, I can't help but say that is one heck of an opening. First class material there. Very good. The only thing that irks me (which I'm sure you have this under control!) is the occasional speaking to the reader as if they were a part of the story. It works VERY well for the first chapter -- don't get me wrong, it has a beautiful flow -- but for chapters later on in the story, I don't think it will be appropriate and that the style will need to be changed to get rid of that. Only a concern, not a complaint at the least. Very lovely. I'm going to like this fic. :>

"There are some who call me... Link?"

"Carpe Gaium Domesticum!" (Seize the Cucco!)
Zelda: The Grand Adventures | Mad Gamers
ザリンク行方不明

The Minish Link · 05-29-2003, 11:32 PM

Wyborn, I can't help but say that is one heck of an opening. First class material there. Very good. The only thing that irks me (which I'm sure you have this under control!) is the occasional speaking to the reader as if they were a part of the story. It works VERY well for the first chapter -- don't get me wrong, it has a beautiful flow -- but for chapters later on in the story, I don't think it will be appropriate and that the style will need to be changed to get rid of that. Only a concern, not a complaint at the least. Very lovely. I'm going to like this fic. :>

"There are some who call me... Link?"

"Carpe Gaium Domesticum!" (Seize the Cucco!)
Zelda: The Grand Adventures | Mad Gamers
ザリンク行方不明

Mikey · 05-30-2003, 12:10 PM

Hmm, it's a nice opening. The story sounds good, and it does have a consistent flow. I can't believe this though: How you said the FD Mask looked Sheikah. That is exactly how my fanfic depicts the mask. Except for it being a devil god, and something full of evil. But I too believe it is a Shiekah mask.

The things I didn't like were some story elements. Like Ganondorf being able to see beyond the dimensions. But that's fine. But what I didn't like was Navi's whereabouts, the Kokiri being able to leave the forest, and Link being unaffected by evil JUST because of the Master Sword.

As far as writing goes, well...
The wording IMO doesn't fit Zelda, but neither does WW. So I guess that's not so bad. But I think you could have worded the sentences better, rather than using the "average everyday conversation" talk. In mine I try to use more intellectual words to make the story flow, without forcing the reader to pull out a dictionary for every paragraph.
Also what I don't care for, is the stretched out sentences that have more than 3 commas in them. Sometimes it necessary, but I think you should start a sentence then end it. Then start a new one, and not try to say it all in one breath.

The jumps between narration and character I think are too quick, for my tastes anyway. I think the narration should lead into what the characters say or feel. And as TML said, the reader shouldn't be apart of the story so much.

The characters aren't as "mechanical" (whatever that means) as mine seem to be, but they are also aren't as heavy contributors to the story as mine are. This could be because you are having us read through the "Eyes of Ganon are everywhere" perspective, and of course Ganondorf contributes much to the story. I'd like to hear more from Link though.

So far it looks good.

Get a nightlife.

Mikey · 05-30-2003, 12:10 PM

Hmm, it's a nice opening. The story sounds good, and it does have a consistent flow. I can't believe this though: How you said the FD Mask looked Sheikah. That is exactly how my fanfic depicts the mask. Except for it being a devil god, and something full of evil. But I too believe it is a Shiekah mask.

The things I didn't like were some story elements. Like Ganondorf being able to see beyond the dimensions. But that's fine. But what I didn't like was Navi's whereabouts, the Kokiri being able to leave the forest, and Link being unaffected by evil JUST because of the Master Sword.

As far as writing goes, well...
The wording IMO doesn't fit Zelda, but neither does WW. So I guess that's not so bad. But I think you could have worded the sentences better, rather than using the "average everyday conversation" talk. In mine I try to use more intellectual words to make the story flow, without forcing the reader to pull out a dictionary for every paragraph.
Also what I don't care for, is the stretched out sentences that have more than 3 commas in them. Sometimes it necessary, but I think you should start a sentence then end it. Then start a new one, and not try to say it all in one breath.

The jumps between narration and character I think are too quick, for my tastes anyway. I think the narration should lead into what the characters say or feel. And as TML said, the reader shouldn't be apart of the story so much.

The characters aren't as "mechanical" (whatever that means) as mine seem to be, but they are also aren't as heavy contributors to the story as mine are. This could be because you are having us read through the "Eyes of Ganon are everywhere" perspective, and of course Ganondorf contributes much to the story. I'd like to hear more from Link though.

So far it looks good.

Get a nightlife.

The Minish Link · 05-30-2003, 06:10 PM

^ It's also the first chapter/intro to the story though. That's allowed to be drastically different from the rest of the story.

"There are some who call me... Link?"

"Carpe Gaium Domesticum!" (Seize the Cucco!)
Zelda: The Grand Adventures | Mad Gamers
ザリンク行方不明

The Minish Link · 05-30-2003, 06:10 PM

^ It's also the first chapter/intro to the story though. That's allowed to be drastically different from the rest of the story.

"There are some who call me... Link?"

"Carpe Gaium Domesticum!" (Seize the Cucco!)
Zelda: The Grand Adventures | Mad Gamers
ザリンク行方不明

imported_Jedi Knight · 05-30-2003, 06:37 PM

Terrific story, Wy. ^_^ I really like the tone of the piece; it gives it an ancient feel, making it very much a story of Arthurian caliber. Very well written, as per usual.. you do such an excellent job writing for Link, but I can't help but have an affinity for Ganondorf. ^______^ Don't spend too long writing the next part.

imported_Jedi Knight · 05-30-2003, 06:37 PM

Terrific story, Wy. ^_^ I really like the tone of the piece; it gives it an ancient feel, making it very much a story of Arthurian caliber. Very well written, as per usual.. you do such an excellent job writing for Link, but I can't help but have an affinity for Ganondorf. ^______^ Don't spend too long writing the next part.

Lunar Mage · 06-08-2003, 12:52 AM

Excellent job, Wyborn! Can't wait till the story continues.

Lunar Mage · 06-08-2003, 12:52 AM

Excellent job, Wyborn! Can't wait till the story continues.

05-29-2003, 04:45 PM	#1
Wyborn Zelda Mod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: All over the place Gender: Posts: 12,333 Thanks: 86 Thanked 456 Times in 274 Posts Points: 21,226.80 Bank: 88,927.77 Total Points: 110,154.57 Donate	Yep. This is where discussion of my little work is to go. All of it. Post comments, suggestions, short reviews....any input at all is appreciated. This story is going to be pretty short, so far as stories go, but I hope all of you like it. You can find it here. [ May 29, 2003, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: Wyborn ]

05-29-2003, 07:08 PM	#3
Chunky64 Member Join Date: Mar 2000 Location: If I told you,I\'d have to kill you. Posts: 1,800 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Points: 869.00 Bank: 500.00 Total Points: 1,369.00 Donate	....WOW! And is it just my rabid shipper mind, or do I notice a hint of Ranchshipperness in there. If so, raise that wow to the googleplex power.

05-29-2003, 09:31 PM	#5
Wyborn Zelda Mod Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: All over the place Gender: Posts: 12,333 Thanks: 86 Thanked 456 Times in 274 Posts Points: 21,226.80 Bank: 88,927.77 Total Points: 110,154.57 Donate	Heh. Just your rabid Ranchshipper mind. I did say that he had made romantic advancements towards no one, much less Malon

05-29-2003, 10:01 PM	#7
SilverWind Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Looking up at the stars... Posts: 8,225 Thanks: 2 Thanked 5 Times in 3 Posts Points: 14,470.24 Bank: 500.00 Total Points: 14,970.24 Donate	Very nice, very ominous. ^^ You build up great suspense, Cam. I can't say that it has to end happily (because I know you'll do a GREAT job even if it doesn't), but... I'm so worried for Link, my oh my. XD;; [ May 29, 2003, 10:02 PM: Message edited by: Rinoa Silvilly ]

05-29-2003, 11:32 PM	#9
The Minish Link Zelda Mod Join Date: Dec 2000 Location: New Hyrule, Ohio, US Posts: 9,761 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Points: 1,134.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 1,134.00 Donate	Wyborn, I can't help but say that is one heck of an opening. First class material there. Very good. The only thing that irks me (which I'm sure you have this under control!) is the occasional speaking to the reader as if they were a part of the story. It works VERY well for the first chapter -- don't get me wrong, it has a beautiful flow -- but for chapters later on in the story, I don't think it will be appropriate and that the style will need to be changed to get rid of that. Only a concern, not a complaint at the least. Very lovely. I'm going to like this fic. :> "There are some who call me... Link?" "Carpe Gaium Domesticum!" (Seize the Cucco!) Zelda: The Grand Adventures \| Mad Gamers ザリンク行方不明

05-30-2003, 12:10 PM	#11
Mikey Banned Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 785 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Points: 994.00 Bank: 500.00 Total Points: 1,494.00 Donate	Hmm, it's a nice opening. The story sounds good, and it does have a consistent flow. I can't believe this though: How you said the FD Mask looked Sheikah. That is exactly how my fanfic depicts the mask. Except for it being a devil god, and something full of evil. But I too believe it is a Shiekah mask. The things I didn't like were some story elements. Like Ganondorf being able to see beyond the dimensions. But that's fine. But what I didn't like was Navi's whereabouts, the Kokiri being able to leave the forest, and Link being unaffected by evil JUST because of the Master Sword. As far as writing goes, well... The wording IMO doesn't fit Zelda, but neither does WW. So I guess that's not so bad. But I think you could have worded the sentences better, rather than using the "average everyday conversation" talk. In mine I try to use more intellectual words to make the story flow, without forcing the reader to pull out a dictionary for every paragraph. Also what I don't care for, is the stretched out sentences that have more than 3 commas in them. Sometimes it necessary, but I think you should start a sentence then end it. Then start a new one, and not try to say it all in one breath. The jumps between narration and character I think are too quick, for my tastes anyway. I think the narration should lead into what the characters say or feel. And as TML said, the reader shouldn't be apart of the story so much. The characters aren't as "mechanical" (whatever that means) as mine seem to be, but they are also aren't as heavy contributors to the story as mine are. This could be because you are having us read through the "Eyes of Ganon are everywhere" perspective, and of course Ganondorf contributes much to the story. I'd like to hear more from Link though. So far it looks good. Get a nightlife.

05-30-2003, 06:10 PM	#13
The Minish Link Zelda Mod Join Date: Dec 2000 Location: New Hyrule, Ohio, US Posts: 9,761 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Points: 1,134.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 1,134.00 Donate	^ It's also the first chapter/intro to the story though. That's allowed to be drastically different from the rest of the story. "There are some who call me... Link?" "Carpe Gaium Domesticum!" (Seize the Cucco!) Zelda: The Grand Adventures \| Mad Gamers ザリンク行方不明

05-30-2003, 06:37 PM	#15
imported_Jedi Knight Join Date: Aug 2000 Location: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... Posts: 2,230 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Points: 141.00 Bank: 0.00 Total Points: 141.00 Donate	Terrific story, Wy. ^_^ I really like the tone of the piece; it gives it an ancient feel, making it very much a story of Arthurian caliber. Very well written, as per usual.. you do such an excellent job writing for Link, but I can't help but have an affinity for Ganondorf. ^______^ Don't spend too long writing the next part.

06-08-2003, 12:52 AM	#17
Lunar Mage Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 40 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Points: 538.00 Bank: 500.00 Total Points: 1,038.00 Donate	Excellent job, Wyborn! Can't wait till the story continues.