Epilogue: Regression, Redemption, Revitalization.

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Epilogue: Regression, Redemption, Revitalization.

#1

Post by Artemis008 » Sun Oct 29, 2017 4:24 pm

I've decided since my next/previous project is quite large, I'd organize it all hear instead of integrating it with my general art thread. This is something I've been working on for years. This project has literally grown with me.

What is Epilogue: Regression, Redemption, Revitalization
A story detailing humanity's regression, redemption, and our revitalization after the planet is nearly destroyed. I plan to have it span many generations of people. To guide this along I've created an extensive timeline. Be warned, it is subject to change as I incorporate new ideas into the story.

Timeline thus far
Spoiler.
10,538 AD
1st cataclysm, earth is nearly destroyed by undisclosed causes.

10,540 AD
The last remnants of humanity come together and repopulate a small portion of earth.

10,556 AD
The noble family's fight over the last of earth's habitable land. This starts the first holy war.

10,570 AD
The people come to an agreement, the land is divided into 3 sections. On for each of the high family's.

10,620 AD/ 0001 ACE
The grandchildren of the high family's decide, in an effort to put the past behind them, the start of a new era. ACE or After Central Era.

45 ACE
With vastly different cultures developing between the regions they slowly become more and more hostile to each other.

70 ACE
Strange creatures begin appearing all over the land. Said to be coming the rotting world past their borders.

75 ACE
Hierosolyma attacks Euclid, causing the second holy ear to begin.

83 ACE
The second holy war ends after Hierosolyma takes Euclid's capitol. Zopyrus (prince of Euclid) and Amytis (princess of Euclid) both flee. Zopyrus escapes and takes refuge in the neighboring nation of Zion whilst Amytis is captured and sentenced to death. She escapes, and her fate is unknown.

100 ACE
Byzus, heir to Zopyrus amasses an army of refugees and takes back Euclid.

140 ACE
Byzus, his son Zopyrus II and his wife are tragically killed in a rock slide while traveling to Zion. In accordance with Byzus's will, the throne goes to Cordelia Glauben, a long time advisor and friend of the family.

150 ACE
The newly formed nation of Wallachia invades Euclid and seizes the throne. Cordelia and her daughter Imogen are separated and imprisoned. Cordelia commits suicide in her grief.

155 ACE
Imogen unites the nation's of Zion and Hierosolyma and drives out Wallachia. At only 13, Imogen is made queen of the holy land.

163 ACE
Imogen adopts a daughter if her own, Herrin Glauben.

175 ACE
Imogen goes missing, leaving the throne to Herrin.

176 ACE
Herrin reforms the government, creating the Euclid council.
Written story's thus far

Lost Legacy (Liebe's prologue)
SCRAPPED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
A Tripartite Nation
Coming soon :)

Artwork
Spoiler.
Image
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Last edited by Artemis008 on Thu Nov 09, 2017 7:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Epilogue: Regression, Redemption, Revitalization.

#2

Post by ScottyMcGee » Thu Nov 09, 2017 10:19 am

Artemis008 wrote:
Sun Oct 29, 2017 4:24 pm
I've decided since my next/previous project is quite large, I'd organize it all hear instead of integrating it with my general art thread. This is something I've been working on for years. This project has literally grown with me.


Lost Legacy (Liebe's prologue)

Okay, first of all, you need to indent your paragraphs and space things out. You can't really indent on here but I'm separating things by how I see fit. It's much easier on the eyes.

Spoiler.
On a small hill sat a small village of no more than 30 persons. Despite this, the village was bustling with activity and never seemed to settle down. The children were playing, the fathers working, and the mothers were left with the busy work.

It was a Saturday evening when something peculiar happened, a child went missing. (So this is a common trope in writing fantasy/sci-fi. EVERYTHING WAS NORMAL UNTIL ONE DAY IT WASN'T. Of course that's how the adventure starts, how else? But in here I have little to care about a child going missing. So far you've only given us a sliver of what life was like in the village - three sentences. This is all narration so far and it's an age-old lesson in writing called "Show, Don't Tell." Don't just tell us a child went missing - show us. Make us feel and care for the child.)

The child's mother ran all through town pleading for help, "MY son! Where is my son!". The guards quickly searched every house in town of which there were 17, with no luck the child was pronounced dead.

The mother refused to give up, and decided he must be lost in the forest to the north. So she left town to search for the boy, telling no one. She was never seen again.

The next day another child vanished, this time that of the butcher. Once again the police searched all 17 homes in the village with no luck. The child was pronounced dead. People were told to only go out for things necessary to their survival.

For a time, all was well. Then it happened, only two day after the last disappearance the scream of a woman was heard to the north. It was then that the officers realized, the threat wasn't something in the town, but outside of it. With this new lead, they assembled and went north into the forest.

The people of the village anxiously awaited their return, but no one came back that night, or the next one, or the one after that. This was the last straw. They gathered every able bodied male in the village, armed them with weapons and sent them into the forest with the intention to kill whatever was in there.

None returned.

Only 7 remained. 4 women, 2 disabled men and a new born child. The last remnants of the village came together to create a plan of escape. Having mountains to the east and west meant protection from the expanding territories of Zion and Hierosolyma who use small villages like these as death camps, but that also meant they count go around the forest, they also had an ocean to the south, but there were not enough rations to make the journey.

Their only hope was to make it through the forest to Euclid, they had no other options. They packed their bags with as much as they could carry, armed themselves with the remaining weapons, and went north just as the others had done before them. The only thing separating them from Euclid was the forest, "Liebe" they had named it. The forest of love. An ironic name, considering the tragedy that had befallen the village.

As they delved further into the forest, they created a formation of sorts. (Be concise about it. Just say "they created a formation". Remove "of sorts". That's exactly what they did - no mystery about it. So you shouldn't say "of sorts".) The women armed with weapons were in the front, the lady with the new born child behind them, and the disabled men dragged behind.

Night was soon upon them, forcing them to set up camp for the night although no one slept. At day break they heard a cry for help from deeper in the forest. Not wanting to abandon somebody in need, the 3 armed women went after it. The lady with the child and the disabled men stayed behind, for safety.

Just as they began to lose hope, they heard the voice of one of the women deeper in the woods, (I noticed from here on out, you forgot to capitalize the first letter of every quote)"the coast is clear, hurry it over here!". The men followed quickly, not wanting to fall behind again. (Ah, adverbs. Adverbs and adjectives can be very easy to fall into. "The men followed quickly" Consider something like "The men bolted, leaping over the shrubberies." Something to illustrate the urgency. Think of it like a movie.) The child began crying, and the mother gently soothed it to sleep.

Something then spoke from the trees, "I thirst for the blood of a new born child, give it to me and you will be spared". Then she heard the voice of her compatriots "it'll be alright" they said "just give it the baby" they told her.

For a moment she was dumbstruck, they wouldn't say such things.

She shouted, "Your tricks do not fool me, those voices belong to you!"

It lowered it's ("its" not "it's", the latter means "it is") head from the trees. A hideous creature with a neck akin to that of a snake, but with the face of a human being. (This is an incomplete sentence. You should reorganize as "A hideous creature with a neck akin to that of a snake, but with the face of a human, lowered its head from the trees)

It said to her, "then I will kill you just as I did the rest of the villagers!"

The creature lashed out at with its fierce jaws, she jumped out of its path causing it to hit the ground with a whimper. She ran as fast as she could. The snake creature lashed out again catching her leg, tearing it off and exposing the bones and flesh. She fell to the ground in pain, a pool of blood quickly forming around her. As she breathed her last breath she witnessed a strange creature in a mask gently pick up the baby. Even if she could somehow fight it, she knew it didn't mean them harm. Then she passed into the great beyond. The snake creature didn't even notice the small figure take the child, too caught up in its own greed. When it did realize the baby was gone, it was too late. The child had already been taken to safety.
So, the problem I have with this prologue is that it's all telling and not showing. This could be interesting but we don't know anything about any of the people involved or why we should feel for them. You need to stretch it out. Give some people names. Walk us through their daily lives and through the terror they felt when the first child went missing. That way the reader can experience the mystery and terror. Simply narrating it doesn't give much of an impact.

Even though these characters die right away, there's no harm in giving them identities and personalities. Think of A Game of Thrones, the first book of the Song of Ice and Fire series by George R. R. Martin. The prologue includes characters who all die right away but they all have names and lives anyway. That way the reader can feel their pain when they die. Show us how much that mother loved her son who went missing. Did she always say goodnight to him? Read him a story?

The more you show us who these people are the more the reader can experience. Hope that helps. :D

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Re: Epilogue: Regression, Redemption, Revitalization.

#3

Post by Artemis008 » Thu Nov 09, 2017 7:24 pm

ScottyMcGee wrote:
Thu Nov 09, 2017 10:19 am
Artemis008 wrote:
Sun Oct 29, 2017 4:24 pm
I've decided since my next/previous project is quite large, I'd organize it all hear instead of integrating it with my general art thread. This is something I've been working on for years. This project has literally grown with me.


Lost Legacy (Liebe's prologue)

Okay, first of all, you need to indent your paragraphs and space things out. You can't really indent on here but I'm separating things by how I see fit. It's much easier on the eyes.

Spoiler.
On a small hill sat a small village of no more than 30 persons. Despite this, the village was bustling with activity and never seemed to settle down. The children were playing, the fathers working, and the mothers were left with the busy work.

It was a Saturday evening when something peculiar happened, a child went missing. (So this is a common trope in writing fantasy/sci-fi. EVERYTHING WAS NORMAL UNTIL ONE DAY IT WASN'T. Of course that's how the adventure starts, how else? But in here I have little to care about a child going missing. So far you've only given us a sliver of what life was like in the village - three sentences. This is all narration so far and it's an age-old lesson in writing called "Show, Don't Tell." Don't just tell us a child went missing - show us. Make us feel and care for the child.)

The child's mother ran all through town pleading for help, "MY son! Where is my son!". The guards quickly searched every house in town of which there were 17, with no luck the child was pronounced dead.

The mother refused to give up, and decided he must be lost in the forest to the north. So she left town to search for the boy, telling no one. She was never seen again.

The next day another child vanished, this time that of the butcher. Once again the police searched all 17 homes in the village with no luck. The child was pronounced dead. People were told to only go out for things necessary to their survival.

For a time, all was well. Then it happened, only two day after the last disappearance the scream of a woman was heard to the north. It was then that the officers realized, the threat wasn't something in the town, but outside of it. With this new lead, they assembled and went north into the forest.

The people of the village anxiously awaited their return, but no one came back that night, or the next one, or the one after that. This was the last straw. They gathered every able bodied male in the village, armed them with weapons and sent them into the forest with the intention to kill whatever was in there.

None returned.

Only 7 remained. 4 women, 2 disabled men and a new born child. The last remnants of the village came together to create a plan of escape. Having mountains to the east and west meant protection from the expanding territories of Zion and Hierosolyma who use small villages like these as death camps, but that also meant they count go around the forest, they also had an ocean to the south, but there were not enough rations to make the journey.

Their only hope was to make it through the forest to Euclid, they had no other options. They packed their bags with as much as they could carry, armed themselves with the remaining weapons, and went north just as the others had done before them. The only thing separating them from Euclid was the forest, "Liebe" they had named it. The forest of love. An ironic name, considering the tragedy that had befallen the village.

As they delved further into the forest, they created a formation of sorts. (Be concise about it. Just say "they created a formation". Remove "of sorts". That's exactly what they did - no mystery about it. So you shouldn't say "of sorts".) The women armed with weapons were in the front, the lady with the new born child behind them, and the disabled men dragged behind.

Night was soon upon them, forcing them to set up camp for the night although no one slept. At day break they heard a cry for help from deeper in the forest. Not wanting to abandon somebody in need, the 3 armed women went after it. The lady with the child and the disabled men stayed behind, for safety.

Just as they began to lose hope, they heard the voice of one of the women deeper in the woods, (I noticed from here on out, you forgot to capitalize the first letter of every quote)"the coast is clear, hurry it over here!". The men followed quickly, not wanting to fall behind again. (Ah, adverbs. Adverbs and adjectives can be very easy to fall into. "The men followed quickly" Consider something like "The men bolted, leaping over the shrubberies." Something to illustrate the urgency. Think of it like a movie.) The child began crying, and the mother gently soothed it to sleep.

Something then spoke from the trees, "I thirst for the blood of a new born child, give it to me and you will be spared". Then she heard the voice of her compatriots "it'll be alright" they said "just give it the baby" they told her.

For a moment she was dumbstruck, they wouldn't say such things.

She shouted, "Your tricks do not fool me, those voices belong to you!"

It lowered it's ("its" not "it's", the latter means "it is") head from the trees. A hideous creature with a neck akin to that of a snake, but with the face of a human being. (This is an incomplete sentence. You should reorganize as "A hideous creature with a neck akin to that of a snake, but with the face of a human, lowered its head from the trees)

It said to her, "then I will kill you just as I did the rest of the villagers!"

The creature lashed out at with its fierce jaws, she jumped out of its path causing it to hit the ground with a whimper. She ran as fast as she could. The snake creature lashed out again catching her leg, tearing it off and exposing the bones and flesh. She fell to the ground in pain, a pool of blood quickly forming around her. As she breathed her last breath she witnessed a strange creature in a mask gently pick up the baby. Even if she could somehow fight it, she knew it didn't mean them harm. Then she passed into the great beyond. The snake creature didn't even notice the small figure take the child, too caught up in its own greed. When it did realize the baby was gone, it was too late. The child had already been taken to safety.
So, the problem I have with this prologue is that it's all telling and not showing. This could be interesting but we don't know anything about any of the people involved or why we should feel for them. You need to stretch it out. Give some people names. Walk us through their daily lives and through the terror they felt when the first child went missing. That way the reader can experience the mystery and terror. Simply narrating it doesn't give much of an impact.

Even though these characters die right away, there's no harm in giving them identities and personalities. Think of A Game of Thrones, the first book of the Song of Ice and Fire series by George R. R. Martin. The prologue includes characters who all die right away but they all have names and lives anyway. That way the reader can feel their pain when they die. Show us how much that mother loved her son who went missing. Did she always say goodnight to him? Read him a story?

The more you show us who these people are the more the reader can experience. Hope that helps. :D
There's actually been a change of plans, I'm scrapping the prologue entirely because I've changed certain fundamental things in the story. I'm gonna use the concept for something else, but this has gotta go. Same goes for the timeline. I'm scrapping most of it. I am going to try and take the advice given to me for future works, though.

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Re: Epilogue: Regression, Redemption, Revitalization.

#4

Post by Artemis008 » Wed Mar 28, 2018 12:35 am

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ftx ... 0223428796

I complete scrapped everything and started anew. Is this any batter than my last attempt?

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Re: Epilogue: Regression, Redemption, Revitalization.

#5

Post by Artemis008 » Fri Mar 30, 2018 5:11 pm

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cQr ... 0223428796

Part 2 is released, tell me what you think. Am I improving?

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Re: Epilogue: Regression, Redemption, Revitalization.

#6

Post by ScottyMcGee » Thu Jun 28, 2018 3:35 pm

@Artemis008 - totally missed this update but I've read through it. I copied and pasted the text along with my comments in the spoiler tags



NOTE: VGF wouldn't allow me to copy and paste the entire thing plus my post because of the word count limit. Therefore, I cut out some things where I didn't have any comments.
Spoiler.
“4001 ACE (after central era), (I would say have 4001 ACE at the top of the journal entry, then "A strange village lies south. . ." begins the entry)a strange village lies south of Euclid, capital of the Holy Land. No one knows how the village got there, let alone who founded it. The common belief is that this information was simply lost to time, but there are conspiracies, rumors, that tell a completely different story. Whatever the case, the village is, or at least seems to be, very important to the Euclidean government. Every person who enters the village is required to go through multiple, rigorous security checks and the place is under constant surveillance”.

(The paragraph should break here. The above journal entry should be in italics to indicate it was a written entry. You don't strictly have to but it makes things easier and that's typically a norm.)

Mono put his journal down on his dresser, having nothing more on his mind. (I think there should be a better indication in the journal entry that it's a journal entry. At first I thought it was some opening narration. I think you should insert some of Mono's thoughts about the village Him (He, not him - if you are ever confused whether to use He/Him, She/Her, say the basic sentence out loud "Him had come to the village of Verh"?? No. So it's "He"), his wife Anne, and their daughter Amytis Glauben had come to the village of Verh for a new and better life, away from the ever increasing stress that Euclid brought with it. This was only their second day in the village, and Mono was feeling a little uneasy. Anne could see it on his face, she knew exactly how he felt.

She said calmly “I know what's going through your head, you lived your entire life in that city. I just thought I'd let you know you made the right choice. As someone who moved often in her younger years, this feeling of uneasiness is completely natural. It comes from losing that sense of familiarity with your environment. Just give it a few weeks, you'll feel right at home again”. (The period goes before the end quotation mark)

Mono said, clearly stressed “Thanks for the reassurance my love, I just feel… wrong… here. Like I wasn't meant to come here. The locals seem pretty nice, but the overbearing security bothers me. What could they possibly need this much monitoring for in a place as rural and calm as this?”. (Don't need a period there)

She tried her best to hide it, but couldn't help but sympathize with him. “I wouldn't think too hard on it, (End that sentence there. Capitalize "there's"there's probably a member of royalty living out here, and they want to keep them as safe as possible. If I'm being honest I kind of appreciate the extra security, it protects us as much as it does them”.

Mono felt calmer (Instead of calmer, I think the word "better" or "at ease" fits more. )hearing that “I guess you're right, this is the perfect place to raise a child. Speaking of which,” he yelled out “Amytis!” The young child marched into the bedroom, letting out a yawn “Yes, father?”.

He asked curiously (My comment on adverbs still stands. I think it's better to just leave it at "He asked") “How do you like it here? Do you feel better here than you did in Euclid?”. Her eyes lit up like a candle at the question “I love it here, father! It's so quiet, I never realized how loud it was before”. (Again, period goes before the end quotation mark)

Mono chuckled, “All right, that's all I wanted to know. Now get to bed, it's late!”. Amytis waddled out of the room, and with that he drifted to sleep ready to take on tomorrow.

When he awoke the next day he was surprised to find his lover (That's a weird way of putting it. You are referring to Anne but make it sound like she's more of a stranger or plaything. I know you're trying to sound romantic and flowery but it comes off different.)had already gotten out of bed. He got up himself and trudged to the kitchen. Anne and Amytis were both seated at the table eating toast. Anne held small cards in her hand that displayed words on the front with their respective definitions on the back.

Mono said “Doing a little early morning teaching I see”.

Anne paused their little game and said “I just thought I'd prepare her a little for when she eventually goes to school. I made you toast, if you're hungry”.

Mono said “Thank you, but I don't have enough time. I've got a contracted hunting job in half an hour and can't be late”.

Anne sighed “Alright, then I'll see you when you get home”.

Amytis followed up on her good bye “Bye father! Stay safe out there!”.

He threw on light clothing, grabbed his musket and left.

The hunt went swimmingly. After receiving his payment he immediately bolted home, eager to see his wife and daughter once again. When he arrived at the small home, instead if hearing the cheers of his child he heard… crying. He shouted nervously “Amytis! Where are you?”.

She thankfully answered back “Father! Father!”. She ran up and hugged him as tightly as she could.

He said “What's wrong? Where's your mother?”.

She burst into tears “They took her away father! They dragged her away!”.

His heart was gripped with fear “Who? Who took her away Amytis?”.

Part 2
Mono, like his wife and daughter, had been kidnapped by the tall man with the metal mask.

He had gone to… persuade… (The dramatic ellipses doesn't fly well in novels.)the guards and hadn't noticed the tall figure looming behind him until it was far too late.

He had woken up in a startlingly empty white room. At the very least the place was well lit. The only window was on the metal door in the front of the room. Peering through the miniscule (Spelling error: minuscule)opening, he could see a hallway leading to the left and right, and what he presumed were more cells on the other side.

He shouted into the seemingly empty area before him “Hello? Is anyone there? Let us out of here!”.

To the left, he heard the voice of his daughter, sobbing “Father! Please… help me…”. Mono desperately attempted to calm his clearly shaken child “Everything is going to be OK, I'm going to get you out of there. Are you hurt? Is your mother with you?”.

She sniffled “Mother is sitting by the wall, sleeping. I'm alright, but my leg, father. It hurts…”.

Mono didn't need to see the pair to know the truth, Anne was dead. He couldn't bear to tell her this, at least not yet “I'm going to get you out of there. We're all going to get out of this alive”.

He stood from the back of the room and with all the strength he could muster, rammed into the door in a vain attempt at getting it open. This attracted the attention of somebody further down the hall, or at least he thought it did. A man with dark green eyes, dressed in the blue uniform he recognized as that of an Euclidean general with its oversized shoulder pads and cape adorned with the signature 3 roses symbol used to represent Euclid's original 3 kings and therefore Euclid itself. (That last sentence describing the uniform was a mouthful. I say cut it after "general". Then start a new sentence describing the uniform.)

Mono rammed the door one last time and shouted “You! Let us out of this god forsaken place! We're innocent!”.

The man stopped and peered through the small window “Correct. You and the people who I presume are your family are completely innocent. Do you realize where you are, however? This is not a prison my friend, you are in an experimental weapons and research facility. You and the other low lings (low lings? Unless it's some slang in this fictional universe, that's odd phrasing. I think you mean "lowlifes") are nothing but lab rats now. Don't look so down, we won't kill you right away!”.

Mono attempted to punch the man square in the face through the opening. It was a vain attempt, as the man anticipated the attack and jumped backwards before fist met face. The man said laughing, “Settle down, feisty! I didn't come here for you anyway, at least not this time”.

He walked just out of site, and Mono heard the door to his left creak open, followed by Amytis's screams. She shouted desperately “No! Father, mother! Don't let him take me away again! I'm begging you!”.

After a minute of helpless struggling, silence filled the air. The door closed, and the evil man said heartily “You can call me Beauvoir, by the way. Now If you'll excuse me, I have a conditioning ritual to attend too, au revoir!”.

Mono pounded on the door as hard as he could as he watched Beauvoir mercilessly drag his helpless child down the hallway. He let out a frustrated scream “I'll **** kill you! Damn you all to **** hell!”. He continued pounding the door until his body gave out and he collapsed on the floor in tears.

He laid there for hours, unable to comprehend everything that had just happened. He regained his strength, and rammed the door one last time, miraculously it swung open and slammed into the wall outside. (Huh. That was easy. . .)The very first thing he did was check the cell his wife and daughter had been in, low and behold (It's "lo and behold"), his wife Anne sat slumped against the wall in a pool of blood. He solemnly swore not to let the his child suffer the safe fate, they would leave this place alive. (Wouldn't Amytis notice the blood on her mother and thus realize she was dead?)In a place as large as this, how would he find her? The only thing he had to go off of was a trail of blood leading in the same direction Beauvoir had gone. It could be anyone's blood, but he didn't really have any other options, so he took the chance and followed the trail.
Alright, a tad better, but still needs a lot of work. But that's okay! Writing is always about learning and relearning and figuring it out.

Grammar:
  • You splice commas here and there. Comma splicing is when you put unnecessary commas. Generally, two independent sentences don't need to be separated by a comma. I'll give you an example of a comma splice that you have on here: Mono crept up behind him, Beauvoir was completely oblivious to this until he felt the front of a gun grace his back. Those are two complete sentences with a subject and verb. They don't need a comma in between. It's when you have a clause that's dependent on the other where you need a comma, such as: "Mono slowly pushed the door open, careful not to alert anyone that might be present on the other side." The latter half is dependent on the first half, so there should be a comma.
    Now, stay with me here - there are further complexities to this. You can have a comma if you say "and" or "so" or any other conjunction. Such as: "Mono couldn't bring himself to fight against his own child, and simply stared into her eyes as his life faded. " THEN there's the issue with semicolons and when to use them. But honestly at this point I would say read up on it, because I could go forever. The wiki page on comma splicing can give an apt explanation better than I can off the top of my head: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comma_splice
  • I don't know if the lack of paragraph breaks were intentional or because of the Google doc format. In any case, the way I spaced things out here for you is generally how things should be spaced out. Every time someone says something, break the paragraph. Other times, when you move onto a different topic or action, break the paragraph.
  • A note on punctuation with quotes - a.k.a. "dialogue tags."
    Correct:
    He said, "Let go of me!"
    She said, "We have to get a move on."
    Incorrect:
    He said "let go of me!".
    She said, "We have to get a move on".
Prose:
  • You use many adverbs. In excess, this cheapens the writing. You see a lot of this writing geared for younger audiences though - because the writing is supposed to be simpler. Here's an example you wrote: He shouted nervously “Amytis! Where are you?”.
    Illustrate his nervousness. Say something like "Mono felt a lump in his throat, as he didn't see Amytis around. The silence made him uneasy. His voice quivered as he shouted, "Amytis! Where are you?""
Storywise:
  • Still needs to be more fleshed out. I think you should walk us through a couple or so days of the family interacting with the village. Give us a feeling that something is suspicious. Mono writes about it but we don't really see it until they are captured. Give us a tad bit of suspense first. Feed us questions. What could they be up to? What did that guy mean by that? It all just sort of. . .happens. You know? You tell us something about the village is suspicious but then don't bring the suspense because right away his family is kidnapped.
  • Maybe to remedy that first issue I have, strengthen his journal entry more. Write an anecdote about something that he and his family experienced during their first stay at the village. Have us go through an anecdote where the local government or whatever made him uncomfortable with their overbearing surveillance. Give us specifics.
  • Mono leaving his cell was too easy. Give us more suspense. Give us a sense that life is on the line for this everyday mortal soul rather than him inexplicably going all Superman/James Bond. One suggestion: have the guards take him away and he struggles free and makes a frantic, desperate chase. The lab or whatever is alerted to his presence and he hides for a bit.
Verdict:
You definitely improved. You just need to fix up your grammar and flesh out your descriptions more instead of resorting to adverbs.

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